We all know that there’s nothing better than heading to your favorite local watering hole and throwing back one or two or 17 brewskis. It’s always a good time. But even with a bottomless supply of alcohol at your fingertips, without entertainment, a bar is basically useless. And when we say we entertainment, we pretty much mean hot chicks – trust us, even if they’re ugly, you drink enough and the place will start looking like the Playboy mansion – and games. Since the odds are pretty high that you’re slurred speech and insensitive pickup lines won’t work, here’s a list of the Top 10 Best Bar Sports to keep you occupied until your cab or the cops arrive to take you home or to the clink.
10. Dance Dance Revolution
9. Golden Tee
8. Deer Hunter
7. Foosball
6. Touch Screen
5. Wii
4. Beer Pong
3. Bubble Hockey
2. Darts
1. Pool
And if none of those sound appealing then you can always play a few rounds of Texas Scrotum Snatch.
If you like high-budget, FX enhanced, blockbusters like The Matrix, Spiderman, Terminator or Indiana Jones then you’ll love DOA: Dead or Alive. Actually, that’s a load of horse crap because the movie looks like a total waste of time that could be better utilized tweezing your nose hairs or popping your dog’s anal glands. Actually, we take that back. There is a pretty sick volleyball scene that makes Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon look like Anaconda. And Jamie Pressly in a bikini never hurt anybody either.
We here at SportsColumn absolutely abhor political correctness. So, obviously, we’re thrilled to be heading out to the ballpark tonight to take in a few innings of minor league baseball on Politically Incorrect Night. Don’t worry, don’t worry; the oh-so-annoying Bill Maher is not scheduled to be in attendance to see the Lowell Spinners. Sigh of relief
Thur, July 24th @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Incorrect Night
– The stadium will have `men only’ entrances to the game because men are obviously the superior creatures
– The first 250 women to attend the game will be given Lowell Spinners potholders so that they can properly cook dinner for their husbands
– There will be designated napping areas around the park available for all senior citizens to `rest their eyes’ because old people get tired quickly
– Fans are encouraged to drive to the game separately and will be given complimentary gas cards in an effort to use up as much gas as possible
– Cars will be needlessly driven between innings as a tribute to gas guzzlers
Pretty cool, huh. Wasting gas, putting women in check and watching baseball, it just doesn’t get any better than that! Certainly beats the heck out of Wednesday night’s theme.
Wed, July 23rd @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Correct Night
– Gender neutral terms will be used, ie: `first baseperson’ instead of `first baseman’, `batperson’ instead of `batboy’
– Non-demeaning terms will be used as well, ie: `vertically-challenged stop’ instead of ‘shortstop’
– Players that commit an error will not be named in an effort to make sure their feelings don’t get hurt (This one would help Lugo out!)
– There will be no specific `Fan Of The Game.’ Everyone that attends will be recognized as a `fan of the game’
– Fans will be encouraged to `Go Green’ by recycling while at the park, and carpooling or using public transportation to get to the game
We’re curious as to how they referred to the term stealing home.
Links:
[SoxAddict.org]: The Lowell Spinners go PC and Non-PC
[LowellSpinners.com]: Spinners Get Politically Correct, Incorrect This Week
Athletes and infidelity go together like peanut butter and jelly or like athletes and hookers. They’re simply made for each other, but that doesn’t mean that the cheating has to become public. According to BlackSportsOnline.com, an athlete doesn’t have to keep it in their pants in order to keep their name out of the paper. Simply following this list of The 10 Bona Fide Commandments For The Cheating Athlete should be more than enough.
I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.
II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.
III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.
IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.
V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
VI- THOU SHALL NEVER CHEAT WITH AN OBSESSED FAN.
VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.
VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.
IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.
X- THOU SHALL TREAT BOTH YOUR “SIDE-PIECE” & YOUR WIFE LIKE A QUEEN.
Learn it. Memorize it. Live by it.
In other news…
[Tirico Suave]: Kerry Collins stars in “God Dammit”
[Gossip Girls]: Kim Kardashian might be on Dancing With the Stars. Schwing
[Deuce of Davenport]: Crazy-ass NFL merchandise, including the “creepiest sleeping bag ever”
[All Balls]: Just follow the bouncing boobs. Oh, god, we mean breasts. Uh, err, no, balls; wait, ball. Yea, that’s it; just follow the bouncing boobs. Dammit
[The Associated Press]: Congratulations on becoming the drunkest guy ever, Mr. 0.491 Percent Blood Alcohol Level
[The City of Champions]: The ol `Take off your shirt so we can get a picture of you and Photoshop it onto the cover of a gay porn rag’ trick gets `em every time
The latest Batman movie is quickly becoming the most popular ever in the series. And we see no end in sight. The Batman franchise will live forever and as long as hunky actors are willing to strap on the rubber abs and cod piece then so will the Batman movie empire. But to keep things spicy, here are some suggestions for athletes who could play some of the more notorious villains. After all, we all know how incredible athletes are at acting. Right, Darius?
10. The Scarecrow = Bob Sanders
Like Dr. Jonathon Crane, the 5-7 Sanders isn’t physically imposing at first glance. But both Scarecrow and Sanders are masters of creating fear. Just ask any NFL receiver who try to go over the middle against the Colts.
9. Ichiro = Ra’s al Ghul
After hearing about Ichiro’s profanity laced All-Star Game pep talks, is there any doubt that he’d make a great superhero villain? People also seem to believe the impossible from Ra’s al Ghul, which is kind of similar to how everyone thinks Ichiro could hit a lot homers, you know, if he was into that sort of thing.
8. Poison Ivy = Madonna
Though she’s not technically an athlete, Madonna has been at the center of sports biggest story for the last month. Anyways, we’re pretty sure he could kick Mike Fontenot’s ass, so that’s got to count for something.
6. Mr. Freeze = Greg Norman
Get it, because Norman `freezes’ up in golf’s biggest moments? Come on, I thought it was creative. Plus, Norman’s wife, former tennis star Chris Evert, is old enough to soon be cryogenically frozen. The similarities are remarkable.
5. The Riddler = Ricky Williams
Much like Edward Nigma, you never know what you’re going to get from Williams. One day he was the NFL’s best tailback, the next he quit the league and forfeited millions so he was free to get cheesy.
4. Bane = Shawne Merriman
Both Bane and Merriman seem to possess other worldly strength, and neither did it naturally. Still, I personally have never seen Bane taken out by Maurice Jones Drew. Advantage: Bane.
3. The Joker = Milton Bradley
The Joker is all about anarchy, and I would imagine Milton Bradley shares the same values. Both Joker and Bradley seem to act on a whim, while destruction surrounds them. Just the way they like it.
2. Two Face = Carlos Boozer
Boozer seemed like a good guy at Duke and in Cleveland, just as Harvey Dent did as Gotham’s DA. But both took a turn for the worst. Say what you will about Dent, but at least he never screwed over a blind man.
1. The Penguin = John Daly
Both are fat slobs that moonlight as heroes of the underground. Both have bad vices: for Daly, it’s Hooters and ciggarettes, for Penguin it’s birds and umbrellas. Maybe the strangest coincidence? Both of these freaks are filthy rich.
In case you missed it – wait, what the hell are we saying? Of course you missed it, we’re talking WNBA here. The odds of someone actually catching the Malice in the Palace Part Deux live is about as likely as Andy Dick being crowned winner of season two of The Pick-up Artist. But, as with any catfight, word spread quickly amongst the male community and televisions around the world simultaneoulsly tuned to ESPN and, in unison, we waited for our highlights to arrive. Oh, and arrive they did.
So after watching that we know plenty about the brawl and the aftermath, but somewhere in the melee we lost focus of what caused the first ever WNBA brawl. Luckily, Epic Carnival has narrowed it down to 11 possibilities.
11. It’s what the audience wants, though it would have been so much better with just a little hair pulling and wardrobe malfunctions
10. When it’s the Shock and the Sparks, you just have to expect this kind of intensity, dammit
9. Shock assistant coach Rick Mahorn had a flashback to his past lives
8. Lisa Leslie’s kid wouldn’t go to sleep last night, so she was kind of on edge
7. David Stern told the league that if they didn’t do something to get publicity, he’d cancel the apples and salt licks
6. Someone called Mahorn fat, which is totally unfair, as he’s just retaining water at this time of the month
5. Not enough foreign-born players in the league to defray actual hostilities with comic flopping
4. Players are still bitter over the lack of fantasy league action on their games
3. Trying to eliminate all differences from the men’s game, even the ones that are probably good
2. The WNBA’s several dollar fines are not enough of a deterrent to the players, many of whom make four figures
1. The collective prayers of sports bloggers desperate for a train wreck event to write about were answered
Oh, and PMS too.
Links:
[Epic Carnival]: Top 11 Causes Of Tonight’s WNBA Brawl
See, we always knew professional wrestling was fake and here’s the proof.
We’re not the only ones who thought was blatantly staged, right? There’s no way the industry can survive with horribly unbelievable performances like that one. C’mon, give us a break, nobody gets up from a superplex!
Make sure you’re sitting down before watching the following clip of Madden NFL 09 because it has the potential to literally – BOOM! – knock you off your feet.
The most amazing part is that, just like in real life, you have no idea what team Brett Favre will be playing on. He might be posing on the cover wearing the familiar green and yellow, but, turns out, he’s randomly assigned to a different team in each copy of the game. We sure do hope we get to throw game-costing interceptions with Favre on the Cowboys!
Sometimes when Manny Ramirez is simply being “Manny” there are no shenanigans or tomfoolery or high jinks involved on his part. Sometimes Manny is literally just being Manny and zaniness occurs around him. Like when the Red Sox went to Seattle to play the Mariners and Man-Ram got a post game lecturing from a cop.
Seems that Boston slugger Manny Ramirez was leaving the ballpark, with headphones on trying to look inconspicuous and quickly get away from the crowds still leaving the stadium. He started to cross South Royal Brougham Way, against the signals of a traffic cop who was directing pedestrians. The police officer demanded that Ramirez open his wallet and show identification. He warned him that he could face a $500 fine and possible arrest for disobeying a police officer.
It became clear to those watching that the policeman had no idea who Ramirez was. He didn’t ask for an autograph or anything, but did ask Ramirez if he’d attended the game. After the brief lecture, and no argument from Ramirez, the police officer let him go with no further trouble.
Wow, Ramirez really is learning to take the high road and curb his behaviors. We thought for sure the incident would get a “Do you know who I am?” outta Manny or at the very least he would have run away and tried to hide inside the nearest wall.
Links:
[Mariners Blog]: Lester dominates; Ramirez lectured by traffic cop
The longtime voice of the Seattle Sonics has decided to forgo relocating to Oklahoma City, opting instead to remain in Seattle and become the announcer for the city’s – get this – soccer team instead.
Kevin Calabro, the voice of the Sonics for 21 seasons, will become the voice of Seattle Sounders FC broadcasts as the team debuts in Major League Soccer next season. …
“I’m thrilled to be part of Sounders FC soccer in a city that I know will embrace it,” said Calabro. “Seattle is blessed to have devoted ownership as well and I know people will be excited about the possibilities.”
Yea, we think it was the whole “Thundercats” speculation that kept him from taking the job too.
[Deuce of Davenport]: Dude A: “So, do you root for the Phillies or the Yankees?”
Dude B: “Feel deez nuts!”
[Need4Sheed.com]: Ron Artest might be a Piston?!? Shut the hell up!!
[Philly.com]: Charles Barkley gives his money away, but this time it’s not to a casino
[NYPost.com]: Captain Lou Albano might be 75 years old, but he still knows how to throw a party
[JoeSportsFan.com]: Picture of Satan taking in a day at the ballpark
[The Redshirt Senior]: Hey, take it back; Erin Andrews is hot, you big liar! Did you even watch the ESPYs???
And finally, dude, you can win The Ultimate Warrior’s shirt. Well, he’s not really The Ultimate Warrior anymore, but he’s the old, creepy dude who used to be The Ultimate Warrior. Still cool, right?
10. Dance Dance Revolution
