If you love language-butchering and verbal buffoonery then this is going to be tough for you to take. Emmitt Smith has been released by ESPN, kinda.
It’s official. Emmitt Smith will not be part of ESPN’s two-hour pregame show, NFL Countdown, in 2008.
ESPN is expected to make the formal announcement soon.
Emmitt will be replaced by Cris Carter, whose enhanced visibility could help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame on the second try. (Then again, if Carter does a bad job or comes off as a blowhard, it could hurt him.)
Emmitt will remain on Monday Night Countdown, and he’ll have a role on the Sunday morning pre-Countdown version of SportsCenter.
We know, we know; it’s difficult to confront. We loved listening to Emmitt slaughter the simplest of sentences just like everyone else. Don’t forget though, he’s not gone; he’s just on two hours less each week. Anyways, utterances like these will live on forever.
In other news…
[FanHouse.com]: Guess which golfer got rid of his man boobs?
The Olympics are rapidly approaching and the one question on everyone’s mind is, “Will the Nigerian football team players cut off their sweet locks or what?”
Nigeria’s Olympic football coach Samson Siasia has warned his players that he expects short hair and correct clothing for the Beijing Games, a federation spokesman said on Friday.
Siasia, known as a stickler for discipline, believes that his players are devoting too much time to their elaborate hairstyles, time which he believes could be better used in fine-tuning their performances.
And the coach goes as far as to claim that players with short hair are more aerodynamic and so find it easier to find their rhythm on the pitch.
So the hair makes all the difference, huh? Well, explain these athletes then.
In other news…
[Awful Announcing]: Jeff Brantley does not want to run into Ken Griffey Jr in a dark alley
Ever since we heard about Ichiro Suzuki’s out of character behavior every year at the All-Star Game, we thought something about the story sounded a little fishy. Well, we were right. As it turns out, Ichiro was accidentally exposed to the blast of a test detonation of a gamma bomb as a child. The effects were startling, making him a baseball machine, but also creating an emotional and impulsive alter ego. When anger or frustration set in, the transformation occurs. So, please, whenever around Ichiro, don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
Athletes and infidelity go together like peanut butter and jelly or like athletes and hookers. They’re simply made for each other, but that doesn’t mean that the cheating has to become public. According to BlackSportsOnline.com, an athlete doesn’t have to keep it in their pants in order to keep their name out of the paper. Simply following this list of The 10 Bona Fide Commandments For The Cheating Athlete should be more than enough.
I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.
II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.
III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.
IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.
V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
VI- THOU SHALL NEVER CHEAT WITH AN OBSESSED FAN.
VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.
VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.
IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.
X- THOU SHALL TREAT BOTH YOUR “SIDE-PIECE” & YOUR WIFE LIKE A QUEEN.
The longtime voice of the Seattle Sonics has decided to forgo relocating to Oklahoma City, opting instead to remain in Seattle and become the announcer for the city’s – get this – soccer team instead.
Kevin Calabro, the voice of the Sonics for 21 seasons, will become the voice of Seattle Sounders FC broadcasts as the team debuts in Major League Soccer next season. …
“I’m thrilled to be part of Sounders FC soccer in a city that I know will embrace it,” said Calabro. “Seattle is blessed to have devoted ownership as well and I know people will be excited about the possibilities.”
Yea, we think it was the whole “Thundercats” speculation that kept him from taking the job too.
Ever since Nike came up with their “Swoosh” logo, other shoe companies have desperately attempted to distinguish themselves with a similarly iconic symbol. Most, if not all, have failed to even breath the same air as Nike when it comes to logos and it’s primarily because of ideas like this one.
Adidas has released a cross-promotional ad campaign overseas with their mobile pals Au and there seems to be something distinctly haunting about their new graphic. Do you see it? There. Look. It’s smacking you right in the face like a Nazi World War II SS lightning bolt logo. Oh, well there you have it. Apparently this has gone unnoticed, but Adidas–a German company–is probably aware.
If you’re anything like us then a lot of your childhood consisted of comic books and sports. When our nose wasn’t buried in the latest edition of X-Men, Punisher or Green Lantern, we would be pretending we possessed super powers while trying to school each other on court/field/diamond/whatever. So, when Brahsome.com released their 2008 Super Hero All-Stars, we instantly thought “What the hell! Why isn’t Nightcrawler playing in the outfield?!?”
1. Flash (SS) — We don’t need to explain why Flash is at the top of the lineup do we? A ridiculous combination of OBP and stolen bases, the only thing keeping him from being the perfect leadoff man is that he doesn’t speak in the third person.
2. Spiderman (CF) — You think Torii Hunter can climb walls? Please. Spidey sense tells him how to line up the defense and his webbing and speed turns him into some freakish combination of Willie Mays and Junior. Plus, it just seems like he could slap singles all day long.
3. Superman (LF) — X-Ray vision and faster than a speeding bullet probably don’t “hurt” anyone in the batter’s box. Flying isn’t a bad superpower to rock out in the field either.
4. The Thing (DH) — An incredibly strong dude made of literal rock isn’t much good for anything besides cleaning up. Like Papi, but with less fat and more taterjacks.
5. Batman (3B) — The only man on the planet with more tools than David Wright.
6. Wolverine (C) — Just in case you thought you got through the heart of the order, Wolvie is here to gnash at six. Literally a meast. And obviously not someone you want to try and bowl over at home plate. Shink-shink, son.
7. Punisher (RF) — He doesn’t really have any “super” powers, per se. But go ahead, try and tag up from second to third and see if he doesn’t gun your ass down. Go ahead. No, really. Guns.
8. Mr. Fantastic (1B) — If it seems like he might be a better fit elsewhere in the field, just remember that he has a decent reach and range on throws over to first. Also see: collapsible strike zones.
9. Captain America (2B) — Kind of like the Mark Lemke of super heroes, he’s not particularly great at anything. But he works his ass off. And he’s American. Plus, he can’t possibly be worse than Dan Uggla.
SP: Human Torch — What can we say? The guy’s got a gascan attached to his right arm. (Would you prefer “he throws fire?”)
CL: The Hulk — You could argue that you want the Hulk to bat. But what happens when this loser steps up to the plate? Plus, just wait until the top of the ninth and put matches in between his toes or tell him Torch f’d his sister and all of a sudden your closer makes Papelbon look like Ghandi.
In other news…
[AZSportsHub.com]: Chris Snyder would like to encase his balls in protective steel one day, but a Nutty Buddy will work for now
Before the second half of the MLB season begins, why not remember the first half in style? Set to the tune of Bon Jovi’s greatest hits album, here’s the season’s memorable moments thus far. Are you ready to rock!?!
Lay Your Hands on Me: Boston Red Sox-Tampa Rays — The fight of the first half goes to these two teams. We’re still wondering what would’ve happened to Coco Crisp had James Shields connected on his haymaker.
Wanted Dead or Alive: Willie Randolph — We still don’t know for sure if it was the owners (The Wilpons) or the GM (Omar Minaya) who wanted Randolph out, but when you fire a guy who has won three of four and is on the first game of a West Coast trip at 3 a.m. Eastern time, you wanted blood however you could get it.
Keep the Faith: Detroit Tigers — The Tigers started 0-7 and it took them until June 30 to have a winning record. They’re still just one game over .500 and seven games behind the White Sox, but they’ve at least climbed out of a huge hole.
I’ll Be There For You: Francisco Rodriguez — K-Rod has 36 saves to lead the majors. The next highest total is 27.
Runaway: Evan Longoria — No player has a postseason award locked up more than the Rays rookie third baseman.
Livin’ On a Prayer: Chicago Cubs — Is this the year the drought finally ends? We all know about the curse of the Billy Goat and Steve Bartman. Cubs fans are praying this is the year those things are put in the past. They’re halfway there.
Blaze of Glory: Arizona Diamondbacks — The club got off to a 20-8 start. They’re now 46-46 and hold a one-game lead over the Dodgers in the NL West. We’d say that was going down in a blaze of glory.
It’s My Life: Josh Hamilton — We all know about Hamilton’s unbelievable comeback. He was consumed by drugs and was headed toward death. Now, he’s an MVP candidate who has a whopping 91 RBIs. The opening to this song’s chorus fits the Texas slugger perfectly: It’s my life/ It’s now or never/ I ain’t gonna live forever/ I just want to live while I’m alive.
Bad Medicine: Ryan Church — The Mets outfielder suffered a concussion on May 20 (his second of the season) has been sidelined by postconcussion syndrome on and off for almost two months. The Mets have been accused of not handling the injury properly and now the players’ union is getting involved.
You Give Love a Bad Name: Alex Rodriguez — This pretty much sums it up.
Never Say Goodbye: Barry Bonds — As teams try to figure out how to make that second-half surge, whose name has come up a few times in recent weeks? Bonds. Barry Bonds.
Have a Nice Day: Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, Mariners skipper John McLaren and the aforementioned Randolph all got their walking papers within four days of each other.
Who Says You Can’t Go Home: We couldn’t think of a good one for this song so we want you to submit some choice via that form to your right and we’ll post a couple later on.
For the guys who are in a relationship, sports are usually a safe haven where the girlfriends rarely step foot. However, certain events like all-star games, the Super Bowl and March Madness bring out the inner sports fan within chicks and last night’s Home Run Derby certainly constitutes as such an event. So, for those of you lucky enough to actually trick a girl into dating you, here’s a list of things you probably heard while Josh Hamilton was going bananas.
“Look how slow they’re throwing the ball! This is SOOOOOO easy. You’d have to suck not to hit a home run every time.”
“That Berkman guy will definitely win, right? Don’t fat guys always win?”
“Were you joking when you said A-Rod isn’t participating because he’s spotting Madonna at the gym?”
“Why don’t they use the net in front of the pitcher in real games? Wouldn’t that be a lot safer?”
“Omigod. Look at all those guidos in the stands. As much as I love shopping in New York I am SOOO glad we don’t live there.”
“You haven’t switched over to E! once like you said you would.”
“Why don’t players just hit home runs every time? Wouldn’t that be a lot easier?”
“His last name isn’t really Uggla is it? I wouldn’t take your last name if it was Uggla.”
“So you’re really telling me you couldn’t do this? I thought you said you were good at sports.”
“Were you saying Hamilton `loves the coke’ or `loved the coke’?”
“Where’s Jeter? I thought you said he’d be there.”
“There’s another round?! Why? Enough people aren’t asleep?!”