Tag: espn

Categories
NFL General

Can you spot the real quote about Brett Favre?


Now that Brett Favre has been traded to the NY Jets, the Favre-llatio has gotten out of control. Anyway, we’ve taken some quotes about Brett Favre and doctored them up, added in a few fake ones, and threw in one real quote. Can you figure out which one it is?

  • “He gives the Jets their biggest star since Namath, gives the Jets their best chance to overcome Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, makes them a legitimate Super Bowl contender. And I’ll volunteer to take one for the team and give him his prostate exam for his physical… with strawberry jam…mmmmm… ” – Steve Serby, NY Post
  • “He left after several days because he has more respect for the Packers than the Packers have for him. He will always have a special place in my pants… I mean heart.” – Gene Wojciechowski
  • “The bottom line in all of this is playing football. I’ve always been committed to my job. I know people say I should put the personal issues aside, and I agree, but I couldn’t do that. Maybe they’ll finally appreciate me in New York and give me the attention I’ve always deserved.” -Brett Favre
  • “Man, fuck Brett Favre” – Chad Pennington
  • “I know how hard it is to play quarterback. It could be the toughest thing in sports. When you take a guy who does it as well as Brett Favre for as long as Brett Favre and then you take all those other things and just squish `em all up together you have a pretty special guy. And when you add in the fact that he always gives me the ‘warning tap’ even though he knows I swallow, well, that’s a gentleman and a scholar right there.” – John Madden
  • “Hey Brett, tell me how my ass taste.” – Aaron Rodgers
  • “And you know what? I don’t care whether people are Packers fans or whatever, I’ll reiterate what we said, rooting for Favre is like rooting for America. I think with Brett Favre, the smile that he still has, it must have been the same kid running around in Kiln, Mississippi, it’s still the same kid, except he’s going to be running around in the Meadowlands thrilling everybody. And you know what else? When he shoves his unit into my mouth, it’s even more thrilling!” – Chris Berman
  • “The number one sight in football thus far has been Brett Favre running down the field into the arms of his receivers. It’s wonderful. America loves that. This team can play. Brett Favre is back. This guy has captured America.” – Bill Plaschke

Sadly, the real quote isn’t that far removed from the fake quotes. It’s Bill Plaschke falling all over himself, and elbowing Chris Berman out of the way, to fellate Favre.

Categories
NFL General

Odds and Ends: NFL Countdown says sayonara to Emmitt Smith

If you love language-butchering and verbal buffoonery then this is going to be tough for you to take. Emmitt Smith has been released by ESPN, kinda.

It’s official. Emmitt Smith will not be part of ESPN’s two-hour pregame show, NFL Countdown, in 2008.

ESPN is expected to make the formal announcement soon.

Emmitt will be replaced by Cris Carter, whose enhanced visibility could help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame on the second try. (Then again, if Carter does a bad job or comes off as a blowhard, it could hurt him.)

Emmitt will remain on Monday Night Countdown, and he’ll have a role on the Sunday morning pre-Countdown version of SportsCenter.

We know, we know; it’s difficult to confront. We loved listening to Emmitt slaughter the simplest of sentences just like everyone else. Don’t forget though, he’s not gone; he’s just on two hours less each week. Anyways, utterances like these will live on forever.

In other news…

[FanHouse.com]: Guess which golfer got rid of his man boobs?

[The Undrafted Free Agent]: Mountaineer basketball players love their alcohol

[Bugs & Cranks]: Yup, William Hung is still a horrible singer

[By the Numbers]: Vote no on a tournament in college football. Wait, what???

[YardBarker.com]: Ocho Cinco, Too Tall, Crazy Legs, Bad Moon, Gravedigger and many, many more of your favorite NFL nicknames

[SportsAgentBlog.com]: Finally, a reason besides Erin Andrews to love the University of Florida

[Rush the Court]: NBA draft picks by school (1949-2008)

[CollegeHumor.com]: “Oh, monsieur!! The boys took a beating on that one.”

[Redskins.com]: Colt Brennan is a system quarterback and a blogger

[The Big Picture]: “Booze + Ambien + bad judgment + flight attendants = one year of jail time and a $4,000 fine”

[The Love of Sports]: Yogi Berra gets robbed, winds up with only one of the Top 20 Baseball Quotes of All Time

[SidelineHotties.com]: Finally, a site devoted entirely to sideline hotties

[TampaBay.com]: If the Rays win the World Series, we want a large with pepperoni and jalapenos

[Hollyscoop]: Freddie Prinze Jr. joins the WWE and becomes The Masked Blogger

[Tirico Suave]: Can it get any better than babes telling us about fantasy football? Uh, no

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Just make it look like an accident’

[The World of Isaac]: Hallelujah, we can finally forget about Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

And finally, hey, where’d you find that guy? We’ve been looking for a little person friend who’s willing to kick himself in the head with steel toe boots too!!

Categories
All Other Sports

The lovely and gullible Maria Sharapova

For some strange reason, we can totally see Stu Scott pulling something like this.


This Is Sportscenter ~~~~ – The best video clips are here

Categories
General Sports

The rich keep getting richer, but we’re not bitter

As if being a rich-ass, supermodel-pulling, fast car-driving sports superstar isn’t already enough; ESPN is showering these multi-millionaires with a grocery cart full of free stuff that would cost the normal person a year’s salary. Oh, and for good measure, they’re going to present them with awards for how great they are just so they don’t feel unwanted. Yup, it’s time to take a look in the ESPY’s SWAG bag and then throw up in it.

Amadeus Spa- Gift Certificate
AlcoMate- Premium Breathalyzer
Amadeo Decada- Custom Hoodie & gift certificate
Ancestry.com- DNA Ancestry Kit & Family Tree Maker 2008 Software
Bedandbreakfast.com- Gift Certificate
Blush Bags- Gift Cards
Bobbi Brown- Sunscreen
Bosch- Gift Cards
Breeders Cup- VIP Experience and transportation plus a 2% stake in a West Point Thoroughbred horse
Campus Quilt- Gift Certificates
Canvasondemand.com- Gift Certificates
Chipotle- Gift Certificates good for a burrito a week FOR A YEAR!
Chumby- A compact device that displays useful and entertaining information from the web- wake up to your internet life!
Deanna Zaccari- Gift Certificate for an exclusive 2-hour personal stylist
DeBrand Chocolates- Chocolate Tower, Classic and Connoisseur Collection and a gift card
Del Sol- Color changing apparel & accessories including Men’s & Women’s Flip Flops
Dirt Devil- Dirt Devil Reaction All-Surface Vacuum Cleaner
Disneyland Tickets- Pairs of Disneyland® Resort 1-Day Park Hopper® Tickets
Disney on Broadway- Pair of tickets to The Little Mermaid, The Lion King and Mary Poppins
EA Sports- 2009 NCAA Football for PS3 and XBOX 360
Econation- 2 hours of chauffered service in a luxury eco-friendly vehicle
Flowershop.com- Gift Certificate
Hasbro Games- Collection of Board Games
Hasbro Toys- Collection of Toys
Hot Rod Putter- Hot Rod Putter head
iGourmet- Gift card
iHome- Portable Speaker System for iPod
Invicta Watches- Russian Diver watches
Ironkey- the world’s most secure flash drive
Johnston & Murphy- J & M leather toiletry sets
Klipsch- Headphones
L.A. Vie L’Orange- Walk on the Beach Pedicure
LÄRABAR- Gift Certificate
Live Scribe- 1 GB Pulse Smartpen that records and links audio
Marchon Eyewear- Designer sunglasses
Margaritaville® Frozen Concoction Maker- Gift Certificate
Mitchell & Ness- Jackets from Mitchell & Ness
Murad- Wrinkle Reducer
Nimble Fitness- Gift Card for a complimentary fitness package
Oregon Scientific- An ATC Action Camera
Pacific Palms Golf Course- 1 night stay at the resort and 1 complimentary round of golf
Parajumpers- Gift certificate for a Parajumpers “Gobi” jacket
Phyto- Gift certificates
Revolution- Gift certificates
Richard Petty Experience- Make laps inside an authentic 600hp NASCAR style stock car
Rock ‘n’ Roll Fantasy Camp- Admittance into the 2008 Summer Tour of Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp
Rosetta Stone- Gift Certificate
Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse- Gift Certificate
Salt Works Jeans- Gift Certificate
Sea Spa Santa Barbara- Gift Certificate
Shari’s Berries- Gift Certificate
Skin Care for Athletes- Gift Certificate
Smashbox- Gift Set
Sports Club LA- A complimentary 1 year membership
Stress Eraser- FDA-regulated medical device that relaxes he body and calms the mind
Subway- Gift card
The Shave- Gift card
The Standard- 2 night stay at any of their 4 locations
Three Designing Women- Box Sets and an Acrylic Desk Caddy
Timberland- 18″ wheeled duffel suitcase
Trapp Private Garden Candles- Large poured candles and Home fragrance sprays
Under Armour- Large Gym Bag and Sunglasses
Yamaha BodiBeat- Gift Certificate
Yogaworks- Gift Certificate
Zaca Mesa Winerey- 1 bottle of wine and gift certificate
Zirh- Platinum drenched moisturizer

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: A Look Inside The ESPY’s Gift Bag

Categories
General Sports

Justin Timberlake has a mancrush on Eli Manning

We hate award shows and that includes the ESPY’s. But ever since we missed LeBron James dunking his infant, we’ve been rethinking our decision to skip the Worldwide Leader in Sports little banquet. Then we saw this and now we know we made the right choice all along.

So disappointing, we were expecting a lot more. Guess we just got spoiled by “Dick in a Box.”

Categories
MLB General

Bad news for "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"

From the Worldwide Leader in Sports comes yet another horrible, horrible idea. Baseball Tonight is celebrating the 100th anniversary of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” by having nine bands (we use the term quite loosely) record their own unique and personal version of the song which will then be put up to a vote to determine the winner of the battle of the bands. On Sunday’s episode of the show, they couldn’t find a real musician, so they just threw Peter Gammons in front of a camera and told him to sing. Don’t believe us? Here’s the old, wrinkled proof.

Links:

[ESPN]: Celebrating 100 years with `Battle of the Bands’

Categories
LA Lakers

Vanessa Bryant gets into a cat fight with an ESPN writer


When Kobe Bryant gets mad, he takes it out on the poor souls in opposing jerseys that happen to be attempting to guard him. Unfortunately, his wife Vanessa can’t pull off a cross-over dribble or go reverse off the glass, so, instead, when she’s unhappy, she uses her words. And most of them are bad; at least, according to ESPN The Magazine writer Laura Lane.

Last night, I got cussed out by Vanessa Bryant. Seriously. At the Lakers game. In front of her kids. In front of the Lakers locker room. It was awesome. She is mad about an article I wrote where I mentioned her. That means one of two things – she either reads the ESPN blog or she has herself on Google alerts. Both are fantastic.

So as I’m walking out of the Lakers locker room after some post-game interviews with the players, I pass Vanessa, who is sitting outside the locker room as usual with her two girls.

“Laura!” she screams (yes, she apparently knows my name). “Fuck you! You fucking bitch!”

“Excuse me?” I say, completely baffled as I look around me to see if there is someone else named Laura. No, there’s not.

Her daughters – ages 5 and 2 – are sitting next to her on the bench looking at their mom as she screams.

“Fuck you! How dare you write about me and my daughters and their schedule! You didn’t say you were writing an article! Fuck you! You fucking bitch. You have no journalism ethics! Fuck you! You bitch – ”

I just stare at her. I’ve heard many stories about her from reporters, but this was unbelievable. Two of my friends from the LA Times told me how she cussed out one of them last season, because he said hi to her daughter. “Join the club, this means you’ve arrived,” said one reporter when word spread of my run-in with Vanessa. “She’s insane,” said another. “Everyone knows it.”

Maybe Lane should consider purchasing Vanessa a $4 million purple diamond ring. That shut her up once before.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: ESPN Writer Gets Cussed Out By Kobe Bryant’s Wife

Categories
General Sports

The Talented Mr. Roto does NOT like waiting

If you’re anything like us then you waste at least 10 hours a day listening to ESPN podcasts. And we’re just scratching the surface on the pile of podcasts produced everyday by the Worldwide Leader in Sports. Most of the time, nothing juicy happens. Mike Tirico blabbers to Scott Van Pelt, Barry Melrose gets interviewed by some hockey dork and if you’re lucky then you’ll hear someone make fun of Stu Scott’s lazy eye. So, why do we even bother listening to this stuff? It’s all for moments like this between football yapper Jeremy Green (son of “If you want to crown their asses then crown `em” Dennis Green) and annoying douches Matthew Berry and Nate Ravitz.


Fantasy Baseball
by bsap11

Damn, a couple more minutes and we were bound to have a situation like this on our hands.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: ESPN Fantasy Podcast Fights Are Fun

Categories
New England Patriots

Tom Brady takes it to The Worldwide Leader


Spygate is the story that just won’t die. Months after the story first surfaced, it’s still a hot topic with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell taking to a podium on Monday afternoon in order to spill the beans concerning Matt Walsh, former New England video assistant. Goodell basically said no new information came from the interview with Walsh, meaning this story could actually reach the end of its lifespan after all. Of course, if you ask Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, it wouldn’t have ever been a topic of conversation if it wasn’t for that damn ESPN and all their muscle-headed analysts.

Appearing on the Boston radio station WEEI, Brady suggested that the reason Patriotgate has stayed in the news is that the media in general and ESPN specifically are looking to fabricate a controversy.

“I think it’s a way to really sell newspapers, and all the ESPN stations, they’ve got to fill the air, too,” Brady said.

When it was pointed out to Brady that many of the ex-NFL players who work at ESPN were harshly critical of the Patriots and suggested that they gained a huge advantage from stealing signals, Brady said, “It’s just kind of the environment right now, though. I think that’s the way that guys make it. They just say the craziest things. That’s what ESPN has become. ESPN, to me, is like MTV without the videos, ESPN is without the highlights.”

C’mon Tom, give ESPN a little more credit than that. They don’t just fabricate stories and say outlandish things. After all, you remember the high level of dignity and class they displayed during the Sean Taylor tragedy, don’t you?

By the way, MTV used to have videos?!?

Links:

[BostonHerald.com]: Tom Brady: Ordeal remains `dead issue’
[FanHouse]: Tom Brady Rips ESPN

Categories
NFL General

Sal Paolantonio basically calls Marvin Harrison a cop killer


Most people were shocked to hear about Marvin Harrison being interviewed in connection with a shooting last week. After all, this is the NFL equivalent of David Robinson being connected to a child prostitution ring. Most people just couldn’t comprehend the idea that one of the league’s squeakiest goody-two-shoes could possibly be involved in the incident. Well, almost everyone. ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio seems to think that Harrison is basically 50 Cent in pads.

The guns bullets were advertised as being able to penetrate…listen to this…48 layers of kevlar [armor] at 50 meters. Now who wears kevlar other than police officers? This gun is designed to be a cop killer.

We’ll be the first to admit that we don’t know Marvin Harrison from Adam, so it is indeed possible that he committed this crime. We’re going to reserve our judgment on that one, but we do have a problem with Paolantonio’s comments about Harrison choosing to establish a business in a bad part of Philadelphia. Last time we checked, there’s no law against being rich in a poor area, Sal.

Links:

[Sportaphile.com]: The Sports Media Turned On Marvin Harrison Already