NFL General

Can you spot the real quote about Brett Favre?

Now that Brett Favre has been traded to the NY Jets, the Favre-llatio has gotten out of control. Anyway, we’ve taken some quotes about Brett Favre and doctored them up, added in a few fake ones, and threw in one real quote. Can you figure out which one it is?

  • “He gives the Jets their biggest star since Namath, gives the Jets their best chance to overcome Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, makes them a legitimate Super Bowl contender. And I’ll volunteer to take one for the team and give him his prostate exam for his physical… with strawberry jam…mmmmm… ” – Steve Serby, NY Post
  • “He left after several days because he has more respect for the Packers than the Packers have for him. He will always have a special place in my pants… I mean heart.” – Gene Wojciechowski
  • “The bottom line in all of this is playing football. I’ve always been committed to my job. I know people say I should put the personal issues aside, and I agree, but I couldn’t do that. Maybe they’ll finally appreciate me in New York and give me the attention I’ve always deserved.” -Brett Favre
  • “Man, fuck Brett Favre” – Chad Pennington
  • “I know how hard it is to play quarterback. It could be the toughest thing in sports. When you take a guy who does it as well as Brett Favre for as long as Brett Favre and then you take all those other things and just squish `em all up together you have a pretty special guy. And when you add in the fact that he always gives me the ‘warning tap’ even though he knows I swallow, well, that’s a gentleman and a scholar right there.” – John Madden
  • “Hey Brett, tell me how my ass taste.” – Aaron Rodgers
  • “And you know what? I don’t care whether people are Packers fans or whatever, I’ll reiterate what we said, rooting for Favre is like rooting for America. I think with Brett Favre, the smile that he still has, it must have been the same kid running around in Kiln, Mississippi, it’s still the same kid, except he’s going to be running around in the Meadowlands thrilling everybody. And you know what else? When he shoves his unit into my mouth, it’s even more thrilling!” – Chris Berman
  • “The number one sight in football thus far has been Brett Favre running down the field into the arms of his receivers. It’s wonderful. America loves that. This team can play. Brett Favre is back. This guy has captured America.” – Bill Plaschke

Sadly, the real quote isn’t that far removed from the fake quotes. It’s Bill Plaschke falling all over himself, and elbowing Chris Berman out of the way, to fellate Favre.

New York Jets

Jets fans get cut off during the team’s season finale

Normally testosterone filled men are willing to put up with almost anything in exchange for a brief glimpse at a pair of boobs. However, we did say “almost anything” because every man has a line that they just won’t cross; for `J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS!’ fans, that line in the sand has to do with booze.

After Jets fans got busted for having halftime flashing parties in the innards of the stadium, the franchise decided to ban alcohol for the Jets’ final home game this past Sunday. So, not only were the fans boobless, but they were beerless and they had to watch the lame Jets play a meaningless contest against an equally awful Chiefs squad. Needless to say, the natives were a bit restless about the situation, especially since the Jets blindsided fans with the announcement just prior to kickoff.

The beer ban was not announced before the game so that fans would not “overindulge” in the parking lot ahead of kickoff, [James R.] Minish [executive vice president of facilities for the New Jersey Sports & Exposition Authority] said.

Jets spokesman Bruce Speight said the ban was primarily aimed at curbing excess at a game that, with a post-4 p.m. kickoff, allowed for lots of tailgating and took place just before a holiday.

“At times, when we think there is a greater chance of alcohol consumption, we take steps to adjust our policy,” Speight said Monday, adding the team imposed a similar ban in 2005. “This was not specific to Gate D.”

The Jets prevailed 13-10 in overtime of their season finale against the Kansas City Chiefs, but some fans let authorities know they missed their suds.

“We want beer!” some chanted at halftime, The Star-Ledger of Newark reported.

Meanwhile, over at Ralph Wilson Stadium, the puckheads were tailgating in full force. And while we feel sorry for the Jets fans that had to watch their team sober, if they were just a little more prepared, like hockey fans, then this wouldn’t even be a problem. Unlike football fans, hockey fans will do anything to get drunk before a game. No surprise ban is gonna keep them from being sloshed in the stands. Heck, who else does pregame bowling ball shots in the parking lot?

And there’s a bar set up for those interested in having a shot of Polish cherry liqueur poured out of the thumbhole of a bowling ball.

“I call it my 16-pound shot glass,” [Ken] Johnson said. “It actually tastes (awful). I don’t know why people drink it. But I go through 12-14 bottles of this a game.”


[]: Jets Plan To Resume Beer Sales Next Season
[]: Fans cook up a flurry of fun

New York Jets

Note to self-respecting women in New Jersey: Avoid Gate D

There is an entire contingency of Jets fans that don’t give a crap who takes the field as halftime entertainment. Unless Janet Jackson is going to experience another `wardrobe malfunction,’ then these fellas aren’t sticking around to see it. Even then, they’ll probably still head over to the innards of the stadium, the pedestrian ramp at Gate D to be exact, where apparently a makeshift Scores is erected (among other things).

At halftime of the Jets’ home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, several hundred men lined one of Giants Stadium’s two pedestrian ramps at Gate D. Three deep in some areas, they whistled and jumped up and down. Then they began an obscenity-laced chant, demanding that the few women in the gathering expose their breasts.

When one woman appeared to be on the verge of obliging, the hooting and hollering intensified. But then she walked away, and plastic beer bottles and spit went flying. Boos swept through the crowd of unsatisfied men.

Not only does this go down at every Jets game, but it appears to be almost a sacred tradition that staff and security turns their backs to. Of course, not literally; we’re talking boobs here.

But what happens when no chicks feel like publicly degrading themselves and the J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS! chants just aren’t doing it for these dudes? Well, that’s why you always bring a roll of nickels to the games.

Sgt. Stephen Jones, a spokesman for the State Police said they did not try to prevent fans from congregating. He said that there were incidents of fans throwing money into the center of the spiral ramps. Those fans then threw objects at children picking up the money.

You stay classy, Jets fans.


[]: Some Jets fans enjoy their ritual of sexual harassment

New York Jets

Turns out Jonathan Vilma is an idiot too

The NFL’s PR staff needs to issue a memo to the players regarding the Michael Vick dog fighting case. “Dear _____: If ever asked about dog fighting and Michael Vick, please reply, ‘Obviously dog fighting is inhumane but since it’s an ongoing investigation, I don’t want to comment on Michael Vick’s involvement.'” Seems simple doesn’t it? But some NFL players can’t keep their big mouths shut.

The latest is Jonathan Vilma. Here’s what he had to say about the Michael Vick dog fighting case:

To be honest with you, I never looked at it one way or another. What people do is …of course dog fighting is much more extreme, but you can equate it to horse racing. You have animal activists that (condemn) horse racing. They feel horses are being tested brutally, whatever the situation is. I’m not an animal activist. To each his own.

Everyone (in the NFL) has heard about dogfighting. Whether you choose to participate or not, that’s your decision. I’m not here to condone it or accept it. It’s been there for awhile….Virginia says it’s a felony. Hey, it’s a felony. There’s nothing to argue there. It is what it is.

Now, we know what Vilma is getting at here but dog fighting is one of those things that you should just go ahead and condemn. It’s like drunk driving — you can’t be for drunk driving or just ambivalent towards it. And to equate dog fighting with horse racing is like equating sex slavery to the WNBA.

[NY Daily News]: Jet: Dog fights equal horse races

New York Jets

Someone missed Goodell’s personal conduct memo

Can’t outrun the police

New York Jets kick returner Justin Miller might not have gotten Goodell’s personal conduct policy memo but his lawyer certainly has. Miller’s issued apology sounded like a paraphrasing of the remarks Goodell used in admonishing Pacman Jones and Chris Henry when he handed out their suspensions.

I want to apologize to everyone for this situation, including my family, my teammates, the Jets organization, our fans and the entire NFL.

I understand that serving in the NFL is an honor and that I have an obligation to behave in a manner that reflects the privilege I have been given.

Miller was charged with assault after he punched a woman in the face. Now to be fair, he didn’t want to punch her in the face (but the bitch totally deserved it! — just kidding folks, just kidding); Miller’s problem was that he took a swing at a man with fast reflexes. That man ducked out of the way, and the next thing you know, some club ho got clocked in the face, and Pacman Miller got hauled off to the slammer for third-degree assault.

It’s going to be interesting how Goodell deals with this. This isn’t Miller’s first incident but the first was back in college so maybe he’ll get off with a warning. Let’s hope that Goodell doesn’t go all apeshit crazy with his punishment like David Stern did in ruining the Western conference playoffs.

In related news, Broncos WR David Kircus is a person of interest in a weekend assault case in Littleton, Colorado where the victim received several broken bones in the face. We’ll keep you updated on that story.

[NY Daily News]: Jets KR Miller Charged With Assault
[Denver channel]: Bronco Investigated In Weekend Assault

New York Jets

Jan 12 in Sports History: Broadway Joe’s Guarantee

In 1969: It might have been the most important victory in football history. It was the new, long-haired upstart vs. the old, crew-cut establishment. It was young, brash Joe Namath vs. the veteran, stoic Johnny Unitas (who, according to Abe Simpson, had “a haircut you could set your watch to”). The New York Jets, a 19-point underdog, faced the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III at the Orange Bowl in Miami. At a banquet a few days before the game, Namath grew tired of the press claiming how bad the Colts were going to make the Jets look. During a speech, someone mentioned it again, and Namath stopped and told him that the Jets would win, and he guaranteed it.

The game was very even statistically. The Jets only outgained the Colts by 13 yards. The difference was five Colts turnovers (four interceptions). The Jets jumped out to a 13-0 lead in the third quarter behind Namath and the running of Matt Snell, who had 121 yards and a touchdown. Namath was efficient, going 17 for 28 for 206 yards. Actually, Unitas only played in the second half, subbing for NFL MVP Earl Morrall, who had thrown three interceptions. The Colts did not score until there was 3:19 remaining, but the game was out of hand. In fact, Namath, who was named MVP, did not have to throw a single pass in the fourth quarter.

The Jets 16-7 victory, the first for the AFL in the Super Bowl, was monumental. Of course, it proved that the AFL was a quality football league that could compete with the NFL (the 14-point dog Chiefs proved it against next year by walloping the Vikings), but it also led to the merger of the two leagues in 1970, which is the beginning of the multi-kagillion dollar Empire/World Ruler/Big Brother it is today. Not only that, but if the Jets were to fail like everyone thought they would, it could have ended the AFL. Commissioner Pete Rozelle was considering at the time of scrapping the AFL-NFL format due to the blowouts in the first two Super Bowls and just letting NFL teams play in the Super Bowl. The Jets, thankfully, changed all that.

New England Patriots

Bill Belichick is a phony

Let’s see, the Jets beat the Patriots in the regular season and Belichick gives his former protege a cold fish running away handshake. The Patriots beat the Jets in the playoffs and all of the sudden, he’s ok with Mangini and gives him a bear hug. Just because the student hasn’t overtaken the master, it means everything is fine again? On top of that, he shoves a photographer out of the way like the guy was trying to shoot Belichick’s wife… or mistress.

And while Rich Eisen and the NFL crew try to make fun of the man hug in this clip, they don’t dare veer into the “Belichick is a pompous ass” territory. When asked about shoving the photographer, Belichick responded, “There were 80 people between me and Eric. I’m just trying to coach the team, that’s all.” How is that coaching a team? Will the rest of the Patriots be sore losers/gracious winners too?


[STL]: Postgame hug draws attention

NFL General

Jan 3 in Sports History: The beginnings of Martyball

In 1987: It looked like the same old story for the Cleveland Browns: Have a great regular season only to choke it away in the playoffs. They were trailing the New York Jets by 10 with about 4 minutes left. Browns’ quarterback Bernie Kosar (who had complained that coach Marty Schottenheimer’s offense was too conservative in a playoff loss the previous year—I know, we couldn’t believe it either) had 489 yards passing and the Browns had out gained the Jets two to one., but still had to rally to tie the game. In overtime, it was Revenge of the Missed Chip-Shot Field Goals as kickers Pat Leahy of the Jets and Mark Moseley of Cleveland took turns pissing an AFC Championship Game trip away. Moseley finally connected in the second overtime to save the Browns’ playoff lives (and most likely his own—…we vaguely recall Marv Albert explaining how he would have been fed to the Dawg Pound had he missed again). Despite the lucky 23-20 win, the Cleveland Story continued in glorious fashion against Denver the following week.

In 1982: The San Diego Chargers defeated the Miami Dolphins 41-38 in a thrilling AFC divisional playoff game in the Orange Bowl. The Chargers jumped out to a 24-0 lead in the first quarter, but the Dolphins came right back to make it 24-17 at halftime. Miami’s final touchdown of the half came on the famous hook-and-ladder play, in which quarterback Don Strock completed a pass to Duriel Harris, who then pitched the ball to a sprinting Tony Nathan, who ran it the rest of the way for the touchdown. The Dolphins eventually took a 38-31 lead until the Chargers rallied to tie the score. A last second Uwe von Schamann field goal was blocked and the game went into overtime and was eventually won at 13:52 on a San Diego field goal. The game set records for total yardage (1,036) and points scored (79) but it is most remembered by the outstanding play of Kellen Winslow. The Chargers’ tight end caught 13 passes for 166 yards, many for critical first downs. He also blocked what would have been the game-winning field goal. After the game, Winslow was so spent he had to be helped off the field by teammates. And he was too tired to ride his motorcycle in the parking lot or violently proclaim himself a member of the Armed Forces in the postgame interview.

In 1993: Was it the greatest comeback in NFL history, or the biggest gag job ever performed on any playing surface? Either way, the Buffalo Bills overcame the largest deficit in NFL history to win an AFC Wild Card game against the Houston Oilers. A Bubba McDowell interception return put Houston ahead 35-3 in the third quarter. The Houston radio announcer proclaimed to his constituents back home that “they can turn off the lights here in Rich Stadium– it’s over!” The Oilers then went and made him look like the Douche of the Century by blowing the lead. Buffalo quarterback Frank Reich, subbing for an injured Jim Kelly, began leading the Bills down the field at will with 28 third quarter points, and they eventually took the lead 38-35 until Houston tied it with a last-second field goal. Warren Moon threw a quick interception on the first possession of overtime, and Buffalo’s Steve Christie kicked the game-winner, 41-38. The Bills were able to keep their string of losing in Super Bowls intact and the Oilers began thinking that maybe their luck would change in Tennessee a few years later.

College Football

Nov 29 in Sports History: the first Army-Navy game

They didn’t even have photos!

In 1890: The first Army-Navy game was played at West Point, NY, with Navy winning 24-0. Considered by many as one of the greatest traditions in sports, it is annually played on the last weekend of the college football season and has been played at numerous sites, including the Polo Grounds, Yankee Stadium and even the Rose Bowl (in 1983). The last four (including this year) were played in Philadelphia. The most significant games of the rivalry were the 1944-45 matchups, when they were the top-ranked teams in the country (Army won both games). Navy has won the last four and holds a slight 50-49 edge with seven ties.

In 1992: New York Jets defensive tackle Dennis Byrd was paralyzed when he collided with a teammate attempting to make a tackle in a game against the Kansas City Chiefs. Byrd’s career was cut short after only four years in the NFL. He has since made a full recovery from the injury.

In 1987: Joe Montana set an NFL record when he completed 22 consecutive passes in a 38-24 victory over the Cleveland Browns at Candlestick Park. Montana, coming off an injury-plagued 1986 season, rebounded to lead the league in touchdown passes and a 102.1 rating in 1987. The completion record was tied this season by the Washington Redskins’ Mark Brunell. (We’ll give Joe Cool the props, however, as he shredded a very good Browns defense while Brunell did it to the Houston Texans, which should carry some type of asterisk.) Donovan McNabb once completed 24 straight passes, but that was over two games.

New York Jets

Leon Washington goes grade school

The Leon Washington card is a hot item on ebay these days because he’s flipping everyone off with both hands in his “Signs of the Future” card. Washington says he’s trying to pay respect to his East Jacksonville roots by forming an “E” with his hands but it certainly does look like the bird.

Topps has already issued an apology:

In no way does Topps condone this type of behavior to be photographed for its trading cards and is deeply embarrassed that this photograph was not deleted in the early stages of the editing process.

The card is fetching around $50 on ebay. Not bad for a 4th round draft pick with 2 TDs.

[NY Daily News]: Leon and Topps pointing fingers