[The Big Lead]: Bill Plaschke Went to Beijing and Ate a Penis
[The Big Lead]: Bill Plaschke Went to Beijing and Ate a Penis
The Olympics are right around the corner, Friday to be exact, and we can’t wait to see the red, white and blue go berserk on some foreigner asses. And while we’re confident in Team USA, regardless of sport, we know America would have a definite edge over the competition in the individual sports if we used our biggest, strongest and fastest athletes available. In other words, we need to totally revamp the Olympic roster and use nothing but NFLers. Here’s how things would look, according to NE Patriots Draft.
Fencing – Travis Henry
He’s pretty good with his sword, if you know what I mean.
Sailing – Matt Birk
He’s a Viking, so boats are right up his alley, plus he went to Harvard.
Sprint Events – Devin Hester
No pads, no defenders, give him the gold.
Long Distance Events – Kenyatta Walker
He’s got Kenya in his name right?
Shotput/Discus – Vince Wilfork
Holds the state record in Florida for the Shot, throwing it 68 feet.
Wrestling – Stephen Neal
Two-time NCAA champ, beating Brock Lesnar his senior season.
Diving – Reggie Bush
Nobody flips like this guy, gotta work on the landing though.
Swimming – Mario Williams
Best Swim move in the league.
Synchronized Swimming – Peyton and Eli Manning
Just a fun mental image for you and the whole family.
Boxing – Tom Zbikowski
Kayaking – Chris Cooley
No reason, just thought he was the only NFL’er that could make me watch Kayaking.
Weightlifting – Larry Allen
Holy Mother of God.
Equestrian – Chris Williams
He’s got the family ties.
Gymnastics – Martin and Bill Gramatica
Hamm’s? Martin and Bill can jump! And Prance! About the right size too…
Cycling – Shawne Merriman
Lots of dopers to pick on, I’ll chose Mr. Lights out today.
Archery – Tom Brady
Accuracy is his middle name.
Judo – Scott Peters
Badminton – Hines Ward
Koreans love Badminton.
Shooting – Marvin Harrison
Still too afraid to say anything.
Table-Tennis – Jacob Hester
White Running Backs can really play pong.
[NE Patriots Draft]: All-NFL Olympic Team
If you thought the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, Voltron or The Planeterers were some incredible teams then you’ll appreciate the collaborative efforts of Fuwa; not to be mistaken with FUPA. In case you didn’t know, Fuwa is a collection of five characters who will be the Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. Frankly, we find these guys a little creepy, but we have no sense of culture, so what do we know. Let’s get to know the little critters better.
Designed to express the playful qualities of five little children who form an intimate circle of friends, Fuwa also embody the natural characteristics of four of China’s most popular animals — the Fish, the Panda, the Tibetan Antelope, the Swallow — and the Olympic
Each of Fuwa has a rhyming two-syllable name — a traditional way of expressing affection for children in China. Beibei is the Fish, Jingjing is the Panda, Huanhuan is the Olympic Flame, Yingying is the Tibetan Antelope and Nini is the Swallow.
When you put their names together — Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni — they say “Welcome to Beijing,” offering a warm invitation that reflects the mission of Fuwa as young ambassadors for the Olympic Games.
They might be intended to “carry a message of friendship and peace,” but Beibei is standing there with a smile on her face, wearing a hat made of water while Huanhuan is burning to a crisp. That’s just being a straight cold bitch where we come from. We guarantee none of the Top 10 Coolest Olympic Mascots would pull a stunt like that.
Cool Olympic Mascot #10. Howdy and Hidi
The polar bear siblings were the faces of the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. With both names expressing a feeling of welcome and brotherhood, they symbolized the warmth of Canadian hospitality.
Cool Olympic Mascot #9. Hodori
Tigers and marketing seem to go hand in hand and the animal was perfect for the 1988 Seoul Summer Olympics. Hodori was designed as good-natured tiger and portrayed the friendly and hospitable traditions of the Koreans.
Cool Olympic Mascot #8. Sam
With the Summer Olympics being held in Los Angeles in 1984, Walt Disney decided to design a mascot. His creation: Sam, a cartoon eagle who’s not afraid of showing his true colours.
Cool Olympic Mascot #7. Vuchko
Despite looking a bit stubborn, Vuchko was a cheerful wolf who was the face of the 1984 Sarajevo Winter Olympics. The mascot helped to change the frightening image of the animal which was present in the region.
Cool Olympic Mascot #6. Waldi
The colourful dachshund was claimed to be the first official Olympic mascot at the 1972 Summer Games in Munich. Along with representing athletic qualities such as resistance, tenacity and agility, Waldi’s colours also symbolized the joy of the international event.
Cool Olympic Mascot #5. Hare, Coyote and Bear
Keeping to the country’s heritage, the trio stood for the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics’ motto. The snowshoe hare, coyote and American black bear represented “Citius, Altius Fortius” (Faster, Higher and Stronger).
Cool Olympic Mascot #4. Cobi
For some, it can be difficult to figure out what exactly the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics mascot is. But the trick is to not overanalyze because Cobi is simply a dog in a suit.
Cool Olympic Mascot #3. Ollie, Syd and Millie
Whether it’s the names or the animals, the trio was perfect for the 2000 Sydney Summer Olympics. The kookaburra, platypus and echidna symbolized the event, the host city and the new millennium.
Cool Olympic Mascot #2. Schneeman
Some would find it surprising to see one of the first mascots created to be ranked so high, but the snowman is definitely cooler than most. The 1976 Innsbruck Winter Olympics mascot stood for the “Games of Simplicity”.
Cool Olympic Mascot #1. Izzy
One of the reasons this particular mascot for the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics is at the top of the list is because nobody knew what it was. That was the point; “Izzy” was an abstract fantasy figure derived from “What is it?”.
The Olympics are rapidly approaching and the one question on everyone’s mind is, “Will the Nigerian football team players cut off their sweet locks or what?”
Nigeria’s Olympic football coach Samson Siasia has warned his players that he expects short hair and correct clothing for the Beijing Games, a federation spokesman said on Friday.
Siasia, known as a stickler for discipline, believes that his players are devoting too much time to their elaborate hairstyles, time which he believes could be better used in fine-tuning their performances.
And the coach goes as far as to claim that players with short hair are more aerodynamic and so find it easier to find their rhythm on the pitch.
So the hair makes all the difference, huh? Well, explain these athletes then.
In other news…
[Awful Announcing]: Jeff Brantley does not want to run into Ken Griffey Jr in a dark alley
[JoeSportsFan.com]: We still can’t believe we actually beat Mr. X
[ESPN]: Best NFL playoff performances
[Athlebrities.com]: Baron Davis has a Shemagwhat?
[SportsByBrooks.com]: Erin Andrews’ bed. Mmmmmmmm, Erin Andrews’ bed
[Sportaphile.com]: Homophobic ad No. 1…
[BottomLineCom.com]: And homophobic ad No. 2
[Uncoached]: We heart New York
[Need4Sheed.com]: Optimistic about Kwame?!? Bwah-hahahahahahahaha!!
[UniqueDaily.com]: Another completely pointless record gets broken
[Tirico Suave]: Groundhog stew. Mmmmmmmmm, groundhog stew
[Yahoo! Sports]: Pat Riley is still a sucker for yellow
[Larry Brown Sports]: Would really expect anything less from Randy Moss’ daughter?
[WagRankings.com]: The 21 hottest sports movie WAGs
[Dbacks.com]: Diamondbacks fans love their dogs
[BannedInHollywood.com]: Golden Bear goddess
And finally, friendship moves!
Everybody is getting hyped up for the Olympics. OK, so some people couldn’t care any less about the Games, but that’s why here. Don’t forget, the Olympics aren’t always just about grace, power and athleticism; sometimes, they are about moments like these.
Classic commentator comment of the day: “And it was going great…until there. When you fall from the bar like that, uh, huge deductions. You lose the element.”
[The DailyTube.com]: Not the Best Way to Impress the Judges
Wondering about the results from the U.S. Olympic track trials over the weekend? Don’t worry, you’re not the only one, we’ve spent the past 72 hours playing GTA4 while the ol’ ladies went to a bridal shower in Phoenix. Despite the three-day diet of Pizza Pockets and Miller High Life, it was a near perfect weekend. Anyways, if you’re anything like us then you hit up your favorite Christian news site OneNewsNow.com to get the results and instantly spit coffee all over your monitor when reading the headlines:
Homosexual breaks Greene’s US record in 100 at trials
Close call: Homosexual barely averts major flop in 100
Homosexual wins trials 100 in wind-aided 9.68 seconds
Homosexual runs wind-aided 9.68 seconds to make Olympics
Turns out, the “Homosexual” mentioned in the headlines is actually not homosexual at all; rather, he’s Gay. Not gay, gay. Gay as in, Tyson Gay, American sprinter. Apparently, the tightwads at OneNewsNow.com have a filter that replaces the word “Gay” with “Homosexual” regardless of how the word is used. It might sound like a good idea, but it can actually just lead to more problems.
After the race, Homosexual and Dix looked at each other and slapped palms, then hugged.
Team USA is still looking for that perfect combination of mad skillz and selflessness from the NBA’s best ballers in attempt to erase years of frustration at the hands of its international competition. When the team travels to Beijing in a little over a month, they might be sporting the best roster they’ve had since the first or second “Dream Team” (although we all know that there is really only ONE Dream Team, the original Dream Team). On Monday, the official announcement was wade and here’s the 12 guy’s expected to resurrect the ghosts of Summer Olympics past.
Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets
Carlos Boozer, Utah Jazz
Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors
Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic
LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks
Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets
Tayshaun Prince, Detroit Pistons
Michael Redd, Milwaukee Bucks
Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat
Deron Williams, Utah Jazz
There is no doubt the rest of the world has defiantly caught up with America in the b-ball department, but there isn’t a country on the planet able to hang with this group of guards. And just imagine how motivated Bryant will be. The dream of grabbing a ring without the Diesel is over for now, but he can still lead his squad to a gold medal. Not a bad way to cap off a MVP season.
[ScoresReport.com]: Team USA roster announced
Beijing ran into yet another roadblock as they prepare to host the 2008 Olympics. Now it seems there is a problem with, of all things, the toilets. Apparently, most of the Chinese are squatters; not the homeless kind of squatters who live in abandoned buildings, but actual squatters…you know, when they go. Problem is, most of the foreigners coming for the Games like to rest their bottoms right on that stinky, piss-stained seat where thousands, nay, millions of butts have sat before. What the hell is up with those wacky Chinese?
The issue came up again over the weekend when the San Diego Padres played the Los Angeles Dodgers at the new Olympic baseball venue. The portable toilets trucked in were of the style used widely in Asia, but rarely in the West.
Yao [Hui, deputy director of venue management for the Beijing organizers] suggested it would be difficult to change every permanent toilet in the 37 venues, 31 of which are in Beijing. So he said the focus would be on satisfying three groups of visitors: athletes, journalists and the Olympic family, meaning primarily VIPs. …
“Most of the Chinese people are used to the squat toilet, but nowadays more and more people demand sit-down toilets,” Yao said. “However, it will take some time for this transition.
Hold on just a second. You mean we’re supposed to get up and use a toilet during the big events? Geez, things really are different in China.
[11Alive.com]: Toilets Could Be Olympic-Sized Problem
We’ve always heard that life goes straight downhill at 30. By that point, your washed up, fragile, mentally lost, physically weak and your only options left in life are to join ESPN or learn the samba on Dancing With the Stars. Oh, wait; that only applies to NFL running backs. Turns out 30 years old might just be a jumping off point fro the rest us.
Equestrian rider Hiroshi Hoketsu last went to the Olympics when he 22 years old, finishing 40th in his specialty, the show jumping event. Well, Hoketsu is back in the saddle again a few Olympics later and he’s ready to show the world that age is just a number. Oh, did we mention the last time he took to the worldwide stage was in 1964?
At 67, Hoketsu would beat the previous record age for a Japanese Olympian set by fellow equestrian Kikuko Inoue, who was 63 when she rode at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.
“It is more than likely Mr Hoketsu will take part in Beijing,” the Japan Equestrian Federation’s Azusa Kitano told Reuters on Thursday.
“He will be in the team dressage. He hasn’t been at an Olympics since 1964, which was 44 years ago, but he has continued riding all this time.”
The oldest Olympian was Swedish shooter Oscar Swahn who won his sixth Olympic medal at the 1920 Antwerp Games at the age of 72 years and 280 days.
The youngest athlete to participate at the Olympics was Greek gymnast Dimitrios Loundras, who competed in the 1896 Athens Olympics. He was 10.
Wow, now that’s impressive. The guy is going to be 67 and he’s still riding horses! Who does he think he is? Superman? Okay, maybe that was a poor reference.
[Reuters.com]: Age no barrier for sexagenarian horseman