A simple solution for how the USA can dominate the Olympics

The Olympics are right around the corner, Friday to be exact, and we can’t wait to see the red, white and blue go berserk on some foreigner asses. And while we’re confident in Team USA, regardless of sport, we know America would have a definite edge over the competition in the individual sports if we used our biggest, strongest and fastest athletes available. In other words, we need to totally revamp the Olympic roster and use nothing but NFLers. Here’s how things would look, according to NE Patriots Draft.

Fencing – Travis Henry
He’s pretty good with his sword, if you know what I mean.

Sailing – Matt Birk
He’s a Viking, so boats are right up his alley, plus he went to Harvard.

Sprint Events – Devin Hester
No pads, no defenders, give him the gold.

Long Distance Events – Kenyatta Walker
He’s got Kenya in his name right?

Shotput/Discus – Vince Wilfork
Holds the state record in Florida for the Shot, throwing it 68 feet.

Wrestling – Stephen Neal
Two-time NCAA champ, beating Brock Lesnar his senior season.

Diving – Reggie Bush
Nobody flips like this guy, gotta work on the landing though.

Swimming – Mario Williams
Best Swim move in the league.

Synchronized Swimming – Peyton and Eli Manning
Just a fun mental image for you and the whole family.

Boxing – Tom Zbikowski

Kayaking – Chris Cooley
No reason, just thought he was the only NFL’er that could make me watch Kayaking.

Weightlifting – Larry Allen
Holy Mother of God.

Equestrian – Chris Williams
He’s got the family ties.

Gymnastics – Martin and Bill Gramatica
Hamm’s? Martin and Bill can jump! And Prance! About the right size too…

Cycling – Shawne Merriman
Lots of dopers to pick on, I’ll chose Mr. Lights out today.

Archery – Tom Brady
Accuracy is his middle name.

Judo – Scott Peters

Badminton – Hines Ward
Koreans love Badminton.

Shooting – Marvin Harrison
Still too afraid to say anything.

Table-Tennis – Jacob Hester
White Running Backs can really play pong.


[NE Patriots Draft]: All-NFL Olympic Team

General Sports

Odds and Ends: As if the restrooms at sports stadiums aren’t disgusting enough already

This is seriously one of the sickest old men man ever and he’s exactly why parents need to keep an eye on their kids at all times when attending a ball game.

A man whose trial two years ago made public a long-held fetish for drinking the urine of young boys has surfaced again in the Columbus area.

And according to complaints filed with Dublin police, his fetish still has him helpless to resist it. …

Official reports indicate he has been observed putting Saran wrap on toilet seats in public, sports-related venues with the apparent intent to drink any urine collected there.

It was that practice that drew Patton to the attention of Gahanna authorities in 2006. During his trial, authorities said he collected urine from boys at a movie theater — and at times even paid for it.

Seriously, not even Herbert the Pervert would do something that gross.

In other news…

[More Handy Than Capped]: Nick obviously never saw this before

[The Sports Muffin]: Wazzzup! Beer me!

[]: Karl Malone can’t get a ring in the NBA, so he’s heading to the NHL

[Faded Youth Blog]: Reggie Bush sports the sailor look, complete with big-assed hooker

[]: Six Flags isn’t always as much fun as the old dancing dude makes it seem

[]: Holland has our hearts

[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: (SNARL) The Warrior is back (SNARL) and slower than ever (SNARL)

[Tirico Suave]: You can see it coming from a mile away, but it’s still hilarious

[]: Pacman’s old crib was massive

[]: A one-fingered salute to flipping the bird

And finally, the best video of a guy catching a batting practice home run ever recorded.

New Orleans Saints

Reggie Bush is getting married…not!

We all know that athletes are notorious pranksters, but over the weekend it was the Saints’ Reggie Bush who got punk’d by his big-bootyed baby Kim Kardashian. The duo hosted a white party up in the Hamptons and since Bush refused to do any interviews, Kim decided to get her kicks.

“I’m not doing interviews,” Bush said. But he let Kardashian speak for him.

“His training camp starts in a week in New Orleans and he just started his mini camp, so he has the next few days off before he buckles down,” she said.

What makes him a good boyfriend? “The fact that he came with me all the way to the Hamptons on his day off when all of his friends are in Las Vegas on their usual – you know, [getaway].”

As for the sparkling ring she was wearing, Kardashian told PEOPLE, “I’m about two months pregnant right now and we’re getting married on August 8th of 2008.”

Bush appeared stricken until she added, “It’s a joke.” But the possibility is still very real. When asked if she’d like to have kids one day and get married, Kardashian said, “Yes, of course. I’d love to get married.”

Whew! That was a close one. Rumor has it that Reggie was in the next county before someone caught him and told him it was all in jest.


[People]: Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush Host White Party

New Orleans Saints

“"Happy birthday, Mr. Bush. Happy birthday to you. Tee-hee!”””””

Life is good for Reggie Bush. After getting blindsided in the National Championship against Texas in 2006, the Heisman winner has put together a nice career for himself in New Orleans and appears poised to become one of the fiercest all-around weapons of mass destruction in the entire NFL. And speaking of weapons of mass destruction, quite possibly Bush’s greatest achievement since going pro was hooking up with the well-endowed Kim Kardashian. Not only is she a sex queen, a Playboy model and the envy of flat-assed white girls the world over, but she does stuff like this for her man.

Kim Kardashian says on her website that she recently had laser treatment to get rid of cellulite on and around her ass. She says she got it because she wanted to be in great shape for a calendar she made for her boyfriend Reggie Bush’s birthday.

God bless you Kim Kardashian, God bless you.


[]: `Bush And The Tush’ Update
[]: Kim Kardashian Gets Ass Treatment, New Calendar Photos

NFL General

Other than being white and 8-years-old, Cody Paul is exactly like Reggie Bush

We’re not big on speculating about the potential of little kids when it comes to sports, mainly because they’re little freakin’ kids, but lots of people get their kicks outta searching the elementary schools of America in hopes of finding the next Michael Jordan, Derek Jeter or Barry Sanders. The reincarnations of those guys haven’t been discovered just yet, but The Commission has apparently gotten their hands on some tape of the next “Reggie Bush”. So for all you freaks that have been following O.J. Mayo since he was in kindergarten, we’d like to present to you 8-year-old Cody Paul.

We agree that the kid does have some pretty sweet skills, but calling him a “white Reggie Bush” might be a bit over the top. And predicting a Heisman trophy for Paul in 2017 is even more insane. Hey, this kid might turn out to be the best thing ever and we’ll be completely wrong about the hype, but nobody’s going to know for at least 10 years. Until then, we’re going to stick with the field for the 2017 Heisman.


[The Commission]: Cody Paul Is The TRUTH

NHL General

Odds and Ends: Overtime hockey bumped by horse interviews

Glass completely empty

Everyone sort of agrees that even if you don’t like hockey very much that playoff hockey is exciting as hell. And overtime playoff hockey is basically the tits and/or ass. So how could it be possible that NBC decided to dump their hockey coverage of the Sabres/Senators in overtime to go to their coverage of the Preakness two hours before the actual race?

This makes absolutely no sense to us and we think it’s a travesty that the NHL has so little pull/cache that interviewing a bunch of rich jackasses about their horses takes precedence over an exciting sport where there are actual athletes.

In other news…

[Sports By Brooks]: If Reggie Bush loses out to this guy, the world might explode

[BBC Sports]: Soccer manager hired on Thursday, fired on Monday.

[The Offside]: These fans need some tutelage from Eagles fans — their aim is terrible

[Basketbawful]: Uhh… why is this news?

[Miami Herald]: Catching eggs makes more sense than catching bricks

And finally, a really fascinating look at how the NBA Draft became a lottery.

Tennessee Titans

Hey, Vince! There’s still time to back out!

We all know that Vince Young’s career is in serious jeopardy in just his second year as a pro quarterback thanks to his decision to pose as the Madden 08 cover boy. But, hell, it doesn’t matter if they put Daffy Duck on the front of the package because there will be a line that stretches all the way around Best Buy’s across the nation when the game is finally released. So, here’s a little tease for all you video game nerds out there.

And if VY wasn’t enough to get your thumbs twiddling in anticipation, then you can check out the additional Madden 08 ads which star some of the other rookie sensations in the league after the jump.

General Sports

The world’s highest paid athletes 25 and under

Highest paid athlete 25 and under

Business week released their list of 27 athletes under the age of 25 who are stuffing their bank accounts. They took the top 3 earners each from nine sports and compiled a slideshow — which means you have to click next 26 times to get the full list. We hate that. So here is the list for you lazy clickers. Note that this list is based on salary and does not include endorsements.

Joe Johnson: 25 years old, $12.7M in 2006-2007
Zach Randolph: 25 years old $12M in 2006-2007
Carlos Boozer: 25 years old $11.6M in 2006-2007. (ripped off blind man in 2004)

Vince Young: 23 years old, $9.7M in 2006

Reggie Bush: 22 years old, $9M in 2006
Mario Williams: 22 years old, $9M in 2006

Roger Federer: 25 years old, $8.3M in 2006
Justine Henin: 24 years old, $4.2M in 2006
Maria Sharapova: 20 years old, $3.8M in 2006

Cristiano Ronaldo: 22 years old, $12.4M in 2006
Wayne Rooney: 21, $11.7M in 2007
Landon Donovan: 25, $900,000 in 2006

Formula One
Fernando Alonso: 25 years old, $20.4M in 2007
Lewis Hamilton: 22 years old, $2.8M in 2007
Heikki Kovalainen: 25 years old, $2.8M in 2007

Carlos Zambrano: 25 years old, $6.7M in 2006
Dontrelle Willis: 25 years old, $4.35M in 2006
Francisco Rodriguez: 25 years old, $3.8M in 2006

Kyle Busch: 21 years old, $4.8M in 2006
Brian Vickers: 23 years old, $3.9M in 2006
Reed Sorenson: 21 years old, $3.5M in 2005

Lorena Ochoa: 25 years old, $2.6M in 2006
Camilo Villegas: 25 years old, $1.8M in 2006
Julieta Granada: 20 years old, $1.6M in 2006

Ilya Kovalchuck: 24 years old, $5M in 2007
Rick DiPietro: 25 years old, $4.5M in 2007
Eric Staal: 22 years old, $4M in 2007

It turns out that if you want to get rich quick, the sport to play is basketball. But based on the top earning athletes without age restrictions, the long term smart bet is either Formula One (Michael Schumacher) or golf (Tiger Woods).

[Business Week]: Highest-Paid Athletes 25 and Under

New Orleans Saints

Did Reggie Bush set the monkeys free at the Playboy Mansion?

According to Scott Wolf of the L.A. Daily News, Reggie Bush has been banned from the Playboy Mansion for… something.

While we’d like to imagine that it was because Reggie took more than his alloted share of Hef’s girls, it didn’t have anything to do with a Playmate. (In any case, that’s probably more up Matt Leinart’s alley.)

We really need to know what Reggie Bush did to get banned from the mansion. We know it wasn’t setting the monkeys free — that was actually Pauly Shore.


[The Wizard of Odds]: Bush Banned From Playboy Mansion?

NFL General

Around the NFL: Week 13 Recap

1. Rex Grossman stinks: The Bears clinched the division title even though Rex Grossman went 6 for 19 for 34 yards, 0 TDs, and 3 INTs. At one point in the game, Rex’s passer rating was 0.0 and he had as many INTs as he had completions. The fans in Chicago must seriously be worried about their QB situation. The defense and Devin Hester can only bail you out so many times. And Brad Johnson won’t be giftwrapping 4 INTs in the playoffs. From the Chicago Tribune: “I’ve hit a little slump,” Grossman offered, which is kind of what the Titanic said to the iceberg.”

2. “Nobody celebrates like a Grammatica“: Joe Buck and Troy Aikman can make fun of Bill Grammatica all they want but Martin came up clutch against the Giants and the Cowboys now have a stranglehold on the NFC East, where they were previously 1-3. The Giants meanwhile are looking like the Raiders with their personal fouls and false starts at home. By the way, why does Tom Coughlin stare in disbelief after every single play. Yeah, Tom, it happened. Stop acting like some act of God went against your team and just focus on coaching up the next play.

3. Bush’s breakout game: Reggie Bush certainly was impressive in the Saints’ win over the Niners yesterday. He had 3 rushing and 1 receiving TD but let’s not go overboard and give him the rookie of the year award yet. He isn’t even the Rookie of the Saints. That distinction (and offensive ROY) belongs to Marques Colston with 54 catches, 869 yards and 7 TDs. While Bush’s 4 TDs in one game is impressive, Colston has been more of a consitent scoring threat this season and has been very important in Drew Brees’ stellar year and the Saints run to the playoffs.

4. So much for the Dolphins: Remember Joey Harrington’s “Why can’t we win 9 in a row?” statement? Well, Joey, because you threw an interception at the Jaguars’ 8 yard line and then you threw another interception at your own 23 yard line. Any talk of the Dolphins making a run to the playoffs with was squashed in a 24-10 loss to the Jaguars. Instead of being 6-6 and within a game of the wildcard, the Dolphins are 2 games out and behind 5 teams for the 2 wildcard slots. What if Nick Saban had gone with Drew Brees or even Joey Harrington from the get go?

5. We want Jake!: While most people agree that Jay Cutler will be a fine QB eventually, the move by Shanny to bench Plummer isn’t looking as good as Parcell’s decision to bench Bledsoe. Other than the 71 yard TD pass towards the end of the game, Cutler was completely underwhelming in his debut. The only lengthy drive that he steered was in the second quarter but that TD drive was mostly a result of a Tatum Bell 31 yard run and a 15 yard personal foul on the Seahawks. (Cutler did throw a nice ball to Stephan Alexander for the TD.) The road doesn’t get any easier as the Broncos head to San Diego next week. However, the rest of the season does include two games against JV secondaries (Arizona and SF) where Cutler can get tuned up for the playoffs.

6. BORRRRRRRRRING!: Finally, ESPN gets hosed again with another Monday Night matchup that shouldn’t be interesting to anyone not in Carolina or Philly. While NBC has been getting great games on the Sunday night broadcast, we’ve had to sit through such coma inducing games on MNF like Chargers @ Raiders, Packers @ Eagles, Patriots @ Vikings, Raiders (again?) @ Seattle, Bucs @ Panthers, and Seahawks @ Packers (again?). Why exactly were the Packers on MNF twice this season? Oh right, Theisman and Kornheiser made sure their contracts included ample opportunity to knob Brett Favre.