All Other Sports

"Take me out to the politically incorrect ballgame…"

We here at SportsColumn absolutely abhor political correctness. So, obviously, we’re thrilled to be heading out to the ballpark tonight to take in a few innings of minor league baseball on Politically Incorrect Night. Don’t worry, don’t worry; the oh-so-annoying Bill Maher is not scheduled to be in attendance to see the Lowell Spinners. Sigh of relief

Thur, July 24th @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Incorrect Night
– The stadium will have `men only’ entrances to the game because men are obviously the superior creatures
– The first 250 women to attend the game will be given Lowell Spinners potholders so that they can properly cook dinner for their husbands
– There will be designated napping areas around the park available for all senior citizens to `rest their eyes’ because old people get tired quickly
– Fans are encouraged to drive to the game separately and will be given complimentary gas cards in an effort to use up as much gas as possible
– Cars will be needlessly driven between innings as a tribute to gas guzzlers

Pretty cool, huh. Wasting gas, putting women in check and watching baseball, it just doesn’t get any better than that! Certainly beats the heck out of Wednesday night’s theme.

Wed, July 23rd @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Correct Night
– Gender neutral terms will be used, ie: `first baseperson’ instead of `first baseman’, `batperson’ instead of `batboy’
– Non-demeaning terms will be used as well, ie: `vertically-challenged stop’ instead of ‘shortstop’
– Players that commit an error will not be named in an effort to make sure their feelings don’t get hurt (This one would help Lugo out!)
– There will be no specific `Fan Of The Game.’ Everyone that attends will be recognized as a `fan of the game’
– Fans will be encouraged to `Go Green’ by recycling while at the park, and carpooling or using public transportation to get to the game

We’re curious as to how they referred to the term stealing home.


[]: The Lowell Spinners go PC and Non-PC
[]: Spinners Get Politically Correct, Incorrect This Week

All Other Sports

When good promotions go bad you get this

The next time you’re taking in a sporting event and some loser with a microphone comes over and invites you to “play a game” on the field or court, don’t let your excitement get the best of you. They might offer you lavish prizes, but you must resist. And if they ever, and we mean ever, try to put a blindfold on you, just start running like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Of course, take the blindfold off first.


[Awful Announcing]: Ashley Could…Go…All…The…Wait Ashley! Stop Ashley!!!

College Basketball

Billy Donovan sucks, but not as bad as these guys

Minor league baseball is notorious for having absolutely gosh awful promotions. Take the retarded gimmickry of the Portland Beavers a while back. Bob L. Head night?! Talk about grasping at straws! Oh, but Portland is not the first, nor the last, to literally scrape the bottom of the creative barrel when it comes to putting asses in the seats. The latest perpetrator of pitiful promotions comes to us from the sunny state of Florida.

The marketing geniuses with the Single-A Fort Myers Miracle came up with the timely idea of having “Billy Donovan Night” after the Gators Magic Gators coach tarnished his legacy and broke the hearts of millions of Orlando fans. So, how exactly to you pay homage to a man who’s know as a lying, backstabbing, two faced, weasely little bastard? Why you make fun of him in some of the most ridiculous fashions possible of course.

All ticket issues will be up for negotiation during the first three innings with a power hungry local attorney serving as the final say in all matters. Everything from ticket price to seat location is up for debate during the brief period of 18 outs.

If it’s a Yankee fan, I’m going to tell them to go take their seat and sit there for the whole nine innings,” (Michael) Hornung said. “I have free reign. I’m judge and jury.

If having a period of negotiation isn’t a feeble enough attempt at humor for you, just wait til you hear about the other cheap shots the Miracle have in store for “Billy Donovan Night.” First, they are going to have a local loser named Billy Donovan throw out the first pitch. Next, waffles will be served to the crowd to commemorate Donovan’s “waffling” behavior. And if that still isn’t stupid enough for you then just stick around until the complimentary hair gel is handed out to poke fun at Billy’s hairdo.

Damn, and we thought this guy made the minor league look ridiculous! The only way this idea could possibly be a success in our eyes is if they hold the game at Rolling Rock Park.


[]: Minor-league promotion parodies Billy Donovan