College Football

Tim Tebow is running over the Heisman competition

After the Gators suffered their third loss of the season and slipped in the SEC East standings, it appeared as if the Ducks’ Dennis Dixon had slid into the role of the nation’s best dual threat quarterback and the leader in the Heisman race. Well, seven touchdowns and a romping of the Ol’ Ball Coach have a way of making someone forget about `quality losses’ to Auburn, LSU and Georgia.

Tim Tebow did everything but throw a touchdown pass to himself during Florida’s 51-31 thumping of the Gamecocks. Superman racked up 304 yards and two touchdowns on 22-of-32 passing to go along with his five rushing scores and 120 yards on the ground. The sophomore signal caller has scored a rushing touchdown in 11 consecutive games which is a school record and the longest such streak in the nation. His 19 rushing scores are the most for a quarterback in SEC history and he smashed some guy named Emmitt Smith’s school record for rushing touchdowns in a single season, which was 14.

It’s pretty hard to imagine that a major school can actually survive when only one player is responsible for almost an entire offense, especially in such a difficult conference, but that is exactly what the Gators are doing. Against South Carolina, Tebow accounted for 424 of Florida’s 537 total yards of offense! That’s 80 percent!

And this is nothing new for Urban Meyer’s winner. On the season, Tebow has personally accumulated 3,250 yards of offense (2,532 pass, 718 rush) and 42 touchdowns. Florida as a team has 4,502 yards and 53 scores on offense. In other words, Tebow’s good for 72 percent of their yards and 79 percent of their scoring. That’s as close to a one-man-band as you’ll find in today’s game.

The insanity of the season should level the playing field, seeing as how there will probably be no clear-cut `best player on the best team’ excuse for voters to fall back on. This is a good thing because we were starting to hear some `Todd Boeckman for Heisman’ chatter. Instead, this could be the year in which the trophy is actually given to truly the best player in the nation. And in that case, you can start engraving Tim Tebow on the name plate right now.


[]: Tebow has career-high 5 rushing TDs to lead Gators

College Football

If you thought that Bobby Knight was a sore loser…

There were a ton of upsets in the world of college football this weekend, but we’re guessing by this clip that nobody had a worse Saturday (or Friday in the case of Mountaineers fans) than the Florida die-hard. Wait, let me rephrase that: nobody had a worse Saturday than this Florida die-hard.

One word of advice before you hit the play button: Earmuffs.


[Our Book of Scrap]: So Gators Fans, How Do You REALLY Feel?

College Basketball

Billy Donovan sucks, but not as bad as these guys

Minor league baseball is notorious for having absolutely gosh awful promotions. Take the retarded gimmickry of the Portland Beavers a while back. Bob L. Head night?! Talk about grasping at straws! Oh, but Portland is not the first, nor the last, to literally scrape the bottom of the creative barrel when it comes to putting asses in the seats. The latest perpetrator of pitiful promotions comes to us from the sunny state of Florida.

The marketing geniuses with the Single-A Fort Myers Miracle came up with the timely idea of having “Billy Donovan Night” after the Gators Magic Gators coach tarnished his legacy and broke the hearts of millions of Orlando fans. So, how exactly to you pay homage to a man who’s know as a lying, backstabbing, two faced, weasely little bastard? Why you make fun of him in some of the most ridiculous fashions possible of course.

All ticket issues will be up for negotiation during the first three innings with a power hungry local attorney serving as the final say in all matters. Everything from ticket price to seat location is up for debate during the brief period of 18 outs.

If it’s a Yankee fan, I’m going to tell them to go take their seat and sit there for the whole nine innings,” (Michael) Hornung said. “I have free reign. I’m judge and jury.

If having a period of negotiation isn’t a feeble enough attempt at humor for you, just wait til you hear about the other cheap shots the Miracle have in store for “Billy Donovan Night.” First, they are going to have a local loser named Billy Donovan throw out the first pitch. Next, waffles will be served to the crowd to commemorate Donovan’s “waffling” behavior. And if that still isn’t stupid enough for you then just stick around until the complimentary hair gel is handed out to poke fun at Billy’s hairdo.

Damn, and we thought this guy made the minor league look ridiculous! The only way this idea could possibly be a success in our eyes is if they hold the game at Rolling Rock Park.


[]: Minor-league promotion parodies Billy Donovan

Orlando Magic

The state of Florida is split on Billy Donovan’s decision indecision

It was fun while it lasted.

What’s up with the NBA and all this flopping that’s going on?  Well, we should really be more specific about what we’re talking about; we’re talking about the flip-flopping that is going on off the court, not the kind of flopping that Steve Nash perfected when Robert Horry gave him a lil’ pop.  Turns out that Kobe isn’t the only big name in the Association to wanna weasel out of something he said.

Billy Donovan reportedly wants out of the five-year, $27.5 million deal that he signed with the Magic on Friday to return to the Florida Gators.  And it looks like he just might get what he wants.  Apparently, Donovan heard blowhards like Dick Vitale over the weekend while they flapped their gums about how Donovan could have been the next Coach K. or John Wooden but instead chose to leave his college legacy behind for the big bucks.  Or maybe he just realized that college guys don’t fare too well in the NBA.  Either way, it doesn’t really matter because the two time champion signed the dotted line at the bottom of the Magic’s stationary, putting his future in their hands.

While it would be pointless to keep a guy around if he’s not fully committed to the job, we are really hoping that Orlando forces Donovan to stay.  After all, that is how a contract works, right?  You had a good thing going in Florida Billy, you really did but when you shook the hand of the Magic’s owner and put the pen to the paper, your Gator days became priceless memories.  And anyways, how would you feel if Joakim Noah had pulled out of his commitment with Florida before ever taking to the floor for a single practice.  Well, Noah probably isn’t the best example but you get the point.

[]: Orlando Magic will allow Billy Donovan to return to Florida

College Football

Odds and Ends: Florida Gators boosters are doing a poor job

You’d think that a national football and college basketball championship would have the Florida boosters in fine form. But this story about a robbery is an excellent example of how they are just dropping the ball:

On Saturday, a UF student was taking kegs out of his truck when [five] men approached him. One 6-foot-4, 280-pound man attempted to steal his keg, cutting his neck in the process, according to the report. The cut was 5 to 6 inches long, the report states, and it appeared to be the result of a fingernail or ring.

The suspect was a Gator football player who had to be restrained from attacking the victim a few times by four of his teammates. Look at the travesty here. Why does a Florida Gator football player feel the need to rob a man of his keg? Shouldn’t the football players have unlimited access to the local beer distributor? After all, they are champions! For shame, Gator boosters, for shame. (Hat tip: Loserwith socks)

In other news…

[Fish stripes]: Dontrelle Willis pitches as his wife prepares to give birth

[Deseret News]: Andrei Kirilenko and Jerry Sloan just lost in translation

[Ben Maller]: Tigers Sean Casey comes home from a road trip to find his car on cinder blocks at the airport

[The Offside]: A book sheds more light (eccchhhh) on Wayne Rooney nailing a 48 year old grandmother/prostitute

[Can’t Stop the Bleeding]: Toriiiiii Hunter almost suspended three years for giving champagne

[Lopez@Large]: Yao Ming needs a strong postseason to define his legacy

[WBRS Sports]: The Orioles to offer groupies free mustache ride

And finally, if the Kansas City Royals adopted the My Name is Earl scratch and sniff episode promotion, would it just smell like garbage?

College Football

Florida Gator arrested for shooting rifle in the air

In a very Stephen Jackson-esque move, Florida offensive lineman, Ronnie Matthew Wilson, was arrested this morning on charges of aggravated assault, simple battery and use or display of a concealed weapon during the commission of a felony after he shot his gun into the air as he argued with another man. Oh, but this was no regular gun, Wilson whipped out a semi-automatic rifle from his trunk to intimidate the other guy. Wilson told police that he wanted the man “to know how it felt to be scared.” We’re guessing that it worked to perfection.

The victim is claiming that Wilson hocked a big ol’ loogie on him and then slapped him down like a bitch. Wilson admits to the spitting but denies the hitting.

Like any good athlete, the 6-3, 300 pounder is quick on his feet. After firing off the rifle, Wilson made a mad dash into an apartment complex and stashed the evidence at his cousin’s crib. Is it just us or does this seem like it should be in an episode of Cops?


[]: Florida player arrested for allegedly shooting rifle in air

College Basketball

Joakim Noah doesn’t like being called "good"

We all know that Joakim Noah looks funny. And we all know that Joakim Noah dances funny. But did you know that Joakim Noah could be funny behind the mic. Well, it’s not exactly Eddie Murphy or George Carlin funny but we still think that you’ll get a chuckle out of Noah’s reaction to being called “good” by Ohio State guard Ron Lewis. Apparently, Noah has been attending the Alicia Silverstone school of comedy.