Category: NFL General

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NFL General

Hello… people in TV land… does anyone actually own a Fathead?


You know those photos that people send which are so disturbing that you have to forward it to someone so that they will be disturbed too (e.g. Britney’s cooch, Harry Potter’s unit)? Well consider this the blog entry equivalent for us. It’s not disturbing, just a complete goddamn waste of time.

Fathead issued a press release today that the first overall pick in the draft will make history by becoming the first rookie to get a Fathead without playing a single down. Uhhhh… sure. That’s a great honor. You get to make a commercial where you look like a complete douchebag. (If you haven’t seen a Fathead commercial, you must not have watched any NFL games or highlights last year.) Never mind the millions in guaranteed money, being a Fathead is the height of your career. God we hope the Raiders take a punter with the first pick.

Here’s the question. Does anyone you know actually own a Fathead? We believe this is about the same as the number of people you know who have caught a foul ball at a ballgame. We realize it’s targeted for kids but the damn thing costs over $100! Who the hell is spending this kind of money? That Walter Payton poster we had on the wall only cost 3 chances at the clown water balloon game at the carnival.

But Fathead still is making more products and innundating us with shitty commercials so someone has to be buying these ugly oversized shrinky dinks. Who is it? Who are you? And why… dear god why?

Well, that’s it folks, that’s the end of the rant for today. But before we go, here’s a classic comment from a reader at Fark: “I got Fathead® last night… They always do it better.” Well done.

Links:
[Fark]: NFL’s first overall draft pick will get Fathead®

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NFL General

Ex-NFL player throws old man off balcony


At one time, Hubert D. Thompson was considered to be the top-rated defensive end prospect in the nation by many analysts. Now, the former Spartan and Saint will be need to learn how to become proficient at defending his own rear end because he’s about to be locked up for a long time.

Thompson was involved in a seven-hour standoff with SWAT teams surrounding his apartment in Lombard, IL, after he threw a 66-year-old man off of a third story balcony. Thompson is being held on $3 million bond and is charged with the murder of James Malone.

There is currently no motive for the Suge Knight/Vanilla Ice recreation gone wrong, but police said that it could have been just a case of Malone being in the wrong place at the wrong time as Thompson went berserk and punched the old man in the face while out in the hallway before tossing him over the edge.

The allegation is that it was unprovoked,” DuPage County State’s Attorney Joseph Birkett told the (Arlington Heights) Daily Herald. “This individual is going to be evaluated, I’m sure.

Lombard Police Deputy Chief Dane Cuny said that his officers had several encounters with Thompson in the past due to his “emotional issues” and said that this was possibly another “emotional episode” by Thompson. Calling this an emotional episode is like saying Mike Tyson only has a slight anger management problem. We like to refer to something like this as more of an emotional meltdown.

Links:

[ChicagoSports.com]: Ex-NFL player facing murder charges
[SI.com]: Ex-MSU player charged with murder
[Chicago Tribune]: Ex-football pro held on murder charge

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NFL General

Hey Goodell, we’re still waiting on the personal conduct policy



Chris Henry

For all the talk about about Roger Goodell instituting a league personal conduct policy during the owners meetings, it looks like it won’t get done till sometime before the NFL draft in late April. Since sources say that the sanctions might be applied retroactively (which doesn’t make sense at all to us but the NFL has more power than God), it’s liable to affect players who are still getting into trouble now because they don’t know any better, or at least that’s what their agents will say on appeal.

First up is our old friend Chris Henry. The latest incident for Henry is being cited for three traffic chargers: driving with a suspended license, failure to wear a seatbelt, and making an improper turn. All very minor stuff but you can’t get into any trouble if you’ve already been arrested 4 times in the last 14 months.

Second up is Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall who was arrested for false imprisonment and domestic violence charges after an argument with his girlfriend at their Colorado home. This seems to be one of those trumped up charges since his girlfriend had no injuries and the “false imprisonment” charge was Marshall blocking her taxi with his car to prevent her from leaving. In a romantic comedy, that’s the denouement, in real life, it’s a crime.

In any case, Pacman Jones is scheduled to meet with Roger Goodell on April 3rd. Here’s how the meeting will go:


Goodell: Hello Adam, please tell me about all the times you’ve been arrested or questioned by the police since you came into the league.
Jones: Well, there was the assault charge… and the weapons charge… and there was the public intoxication… and then there was the marijuana charge… then there was the spitting incident with the Tennessee State ho… and then of course the NBA All-Star Game…

Goodell (to secretary): Got all that? Good. Clean that up and put everything he did in the “examples of violating the conduct policy” section. We’re done.

Links:
[USA Today]: Broncos WR arrested
[MSNBC]: ‘Pacman’ to meet with Goodell on April 3
[Cincinnati.com]: Traffic ticket terrible for Henry

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NFL General

NFL gives fans a schedule lapdance, leaves them wanting more



Seriously, who else did you
expect to open the season?

We are still a solid five months away from beginning the NFL schedule, but it’s never too early to answer yes to the question of, “Are you ready for some football?” So, for you NFLaholics out there, here’s the list of nationally televised games for opening weekend so you can start breaking down all the match-ups and start drooling over your possible fantasy lineup in week 1.

Thursday September 6 at 8:30(ET) – Saints @ Colts on NBC
Sunday September 9 at 4:15(ET) – Bears @ Chargers on FOX
Sunday September 9 at 8:15(ET) – Giants @ Cowboys on NBC
Monday September 10 at 7:00(ET) – Ravens @ Bengals on ESPN
Monday September 10 at 10:15(ET) – Cardinals @ 49ers on ESPN

The league decided to kickoff the season with a battle between a pair of golden-boys as Drew Brees will travel to take on Peyton Manning and the Super Bowl champion Colts, and like last season, there will be a double header to conclude the week’s action on ESPN as division rivals hook up in game one while two quarterbacks of the future highlight the weeks final contest. In typical Monday Night Football tradition, the booth is taking on a new look this season and there will be plenty of fans who are primed and ready to pounce all over Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and the newly added Ron Jaworski. But anything has to be better than listening to Joe Theismann flapping his gums.

The league also released the turkey day triple header for early consumption.

Thursday November 22 at 12:30(ET) – Packers @ Lions on FOX
Thursday November 22 at 4:15(ET) – Jets @ Cowboys on CBS
Thursday November 22 at 8:15(ET) – Colts @ Falcons on NFL Network

You might as well plan to stuff your face during the first game because there is no reason to leave the table for that one. Then you can plan to nap during the Jets/Cowboys contest and hopefully you’ll wake up in time to see Terrell Owens make a turduckit out of himself. And at the end of the day, when you finally get all those annoying relatives out of the house, you can heat up a plate of leftovers and enjoy Michael Vick take on the Colts, provided that Vick doesn’t get busted with anymore illegal water bottles, er, jewelry cases.

The remainder of the schedule will be announced in April, but we’ve got the scoop on how the division opponents will breakdown.

Links:

[NFL.com]: Saints-Colts to open 2007 NFL season

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NFL General

Theismann goes job hunting

[Update: It’s official]

Who would have thought that one day would make such a difference.  Well, the move from Sunday Night Football to Monday Night Football caused Joe Theismann to get fired from his 19 year gig at ESPN.  Looks like Ron “Jaws” Jaworski will be taking over for Theismann in the booth and join Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser as next season’s MNF trio.  Apparently, ESPN thinks there will be more chemistry and comedy between Jaws and Kornheiser than there was between Kornheiser and Theismann.  Too bad Jaws is an engaging as a wet towel.  If ESPN wants ratings they should just stick Mike Wilbon in the booth with his PTI buddy Tony.  

Theismann said that he can’t comment, “until I fully understand what has taken place.”  It’s pretty obvious what has happened Joe, you got fired, dumped, shit-canned, pink-slipped, kicked to the curb…need we go on?  But don’t get down; we heard that ‘Dancing with the Stars’ is already taking applications for next season.  

Oddly enough, Theismann’s playing career ended 22 years ago on Monday Night Football when Lawrence Taylor snapped into his leg like a Slim Jim and caused a national audience to simultaneously turn in disgust from the screen.  So, naturally, we thought you might want to relive the entire gruesome scene one more time.  

Links:

[SI.com]: Reports: Theismann out on `MNF’
[NYTimes.com]: Theismann dropped from Monday Night crew

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NFL General

Carr and Casserly are gone but the stigma of stupidity remains



That’s a lot closer than
David Carr or Matt Schaub will
ever get to a championship.

The Houston Texans have official proven that they are the dumbest team in the NFL. Just one year after saying they were convinced David Carr was the quarterback who could take them to a Super Bowl, the Texans are trading Carr to Atlanta for Matt Schaub. The Falcons will also receive a second round-pick in the deal as well.

So, Houston passed on hometown hero Vince Young, Matt Leinart and Jay Cutler for Matt Schaub? And we’re not even mentioning that they could have also selected the multidimensional Reggie Bush. Schaub has been solid when given the opportunity to play in Atlanta, but the guy has only thrown 161 career passes with six touchdowns and six interceptions. Is that really worth skipping out on filling the stadium every home game with thousands of screaming Young fans?

It was as obvious before the draft as it was after the season that Carr was not the guy to lead a sewer dwelling franchise out of the scum and into Super Bowl supremacy. But former GM Charlie Casserly stuck around a bit too long and refused to lose face by giving up on the franchise’s first ever pick. And now the few fans that Houston has left will be forced to endure the torture of watching Mario Williams while knowing that Bush or Young could be bringing down the house with some sick footwork.

Williams will always be the Sam Bowie of the NFL and the Texans are now firmly entrenched as the Trailblazers of the league; minus the rapes, assaults and arrests of course.

Links:

[Chron.com]: Texans near deal for Matt Schaub
[NFL.com]: Falcons to trade QB Schaub to Texans

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NFL General

Cowboys and Dolphins fans can’t take it any longer


The mid-70’s seems to be the cutoff for anybody who wants to roam the sidelines at professional football games in silly costumes. Wilford `Crazy Ray’ Jones had been the unofficial mascot in the stands for Dallas in a trademark wild west getup with trademark white cowboy hat. Jones, 76, was never paid by the Cowboys for his services (shame on you Jerry Jones) but he was given a special parking spot and an all-access pass to every game at Texas Stadium. The diehard fan will now be buried in one of his traditional uniforms.

But Jones won’t be the only superfan watching his team from the big seat in the sky when this NFL season kicks off in the fall. Dennis Sym, a.k.a. ‘Dolfan Denny,’ died at the age of 72 on Friday after whipping Fins fans into a frenzy for over 34 years. Unfortunately, kidney failure and cancer would take the life of a man who had so bravely withstood every late season Miami meltdown for over three decades. But a disappointing Nick Saban stint proved to more than his old, proud body could take.

Links:

[DallasNews.com]: Wilford “Crazy Ray” Jones: 1931-2007
[MiamiHerald.com]: `Dolfan Denny,’ unofficial mascot

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NFL General

Brett Favre wants to know if he can still retire



New home game celebration?

There’s a rumor speculating that Randy Moss’ ass could be calling the Green Bay end zone home after a trade would send Moss to the Pack for backup QB Aaron Rodgers. Green Bay’s 2008 7th round pick and Raiders tight end Courtney Anderson are also expected to be involved in the deal which could be signed by Friday.

It’s an interesting idea to kick around because of all the implications involved. If Oakland grabs Rodgers from the cheeseheads then what happens to their No. 1 draft pick? It appeared that the Raiders were set to select LSU’s JaMarcus Russell to become their franchise QB. The move could free up the team to go after other skill position players like wide receiver Calvin Johnson or running back Adrian Peterson.

The trade would also leave the Packers without a play caller for the future. Brett Favre isn’t going to play forever, is he? And if Favre thought that Javon Walker was a selfish person, just wait until he starts sharing the locker room with Moss. Then you have Moss’ whole mock mooning performance after a TD in the Vikings/Packers 2005 NFC wild card game.

While there are tons of question marks surrounding this possible trade, it will all be worth it if Green Bay inspires Moss to produce more classic quotes like this famous line after his sideshow in the 05 wild card game netted him a $10,000 fine.


No, cause it ain’t sh*t. Ain’t nothing but 10 grand. What’s 10 grand to me? Ain’t sh*t … Next time I might shake my d*ck.

Links:

[BostonHerald.com]: MOSS HEADED TO GREEN BAY?

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NFL General

Drunken Idiot Tight End


It’s always said that nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. and here’s another case that backs up that point. Seattle tight end Jeremy Stevens was pulled over around 2:15 Tuesday morning in Scottsdale, Arizona for driving erratically. Stevens was apparently so drunk off “four or five margaritas” that he could barely stand while being issued a field sobriety test. (Sounds like somebody’s a lightweight) And if that doesn’t say guilty by itself, Stevens incriminated himself even further by refusing to take a breathalyzer test or give a blood sample. Like usual, the po-pos got what they wanted after obtaining a warrant. The cops also found a “leafy green substance” in one of Stevens’ pockets. We’re guessing its pot considering not too many people travel around with spare oregano in case of emergency cooking situations. Stevens was booked for DUI and possession of some leafy stuff.

This couldn’t have happened at a worse time for Stevens’ who is currently an unrestricted free agent. His run ins with the law and loud mouth would detour most team’s interest. However, if somebody is willing to gamble on a guy like T.O. then somebody will definitely take on Stevens. Hell, he’d even be considered a role model somewhere like Cincinnati or Tennessee.

Links:

[SeattlePI.com]: STEVENS ARRESTED AGAIN, FOR DUI
[SI.com]: MORE TROUBLE

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NFL General

OJ Simpson is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy?

OJ Simpson thinks he might be the father of Anna Nicole’s baby Dannielynn but actually doesn’t want it to be his because he’s afraid that Fred Goldman (the guy who owns OJ at this point) will try to seize her money. OJ is kidding right? We think so but anyone who can convince himself he didn’t kill two people can convince himself anything.


The double-murder acquittee “said he was throwing his hat into the ring,” Norm Pardo told Page Six. Pardo is the videographer who amassed 70 hours of footage of Simpson from 2000 to 2005. “He said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father.” Simpson and Smith were castmates in “Naked Gun 331/3: The Final Insult” (1994), and Anna Nicole was certainly O.J.’s type.

Do we really need to put acquittee? Can’t we just replace “acquittee” with “er”? Anyway, the quote makes no sense. Somehow having slow-moving sperm would be the key to knocking up Anna Nicole Smith? Or maybe OJ had sex with her waaaay before Danielynn was born and thinks his sperm just took a while to eventually get there.

Finally, check out the pic we cobbled of OJ and his alleged baby daughter. See the resemblance? Yeah, neither do we. This reminds us of the Chinese couple that had a black baby — they named it Someting Wong.

Links:
[Page Six]: O.J. A SMITH DAD CANDIDATE