Categories
Phoenix Suns

The Shaq/Kobe rivalry reaches new heights

Some of us were actually na├»ve enough to believe that the feud between Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal was squashed. What fools. These guys still loathe each other with a passion and they will be rivals for the remainder of their careers, nay, their lives. Kobe wants to earn a ring on his own so badly he can taste it (or is that Shaq’s ass that he loves tasting?) and he’s willing to do almost anything to get one. This year he was even desperate enough to involve his teammates. The Diesel, on the other hand, is still the face of the league on a very talented squad and he’s already raised a trophy without KB. So, now he’s just trying to outdo Bryant in other, more important areas of life, like jumping over stuff. It’s not a speeding Aston Martin or a kiddie pool full of snakes, but it’s a start.

By the looks of his new crib, the Daddy definitely underwent a little downsizing following his costly divorce.

Categories
LA Lakers

Kobe’s comeback: "Shaq, tell me how my ass tastes"

By this point, we’ve all heard Shaq utter the words “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes,” at least 5,000 times and, frankly, we’re still not tired of the freestyle. However, we are somewhat disappointed that Kobe hasn’t fired back at the Diesel. After all, let’s not forget that K.B. is a rapper himself…sorta. But he’s also a very, very busy man with the Olympics rapidly approaching; luckily, Russ Bengtson of SlamOnline.com wrote some mad retaliatory rhymes so Bryant could concentrate on bringing the gold home from Beijing. Mr. Bengtson, you are a patriot and poet indeed.

Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns
Sure-thing rings lost to Wallaces and Olajuwons

You’re a true, what? You’re a true blue pr*ck
On the outside you’re happy, on the inside you’re sick
Oh, my bad, I forgot, that’s just part of your schtick

Admit it, you just mad `cause your career’s almost over
You’re a black hole while I’m still supernova

And while we’re on the topic of being a star
I’ll be in Phoenix in February–can I borrow your car?
Since I’ll be in the game, I won’t drive it too far

I remember when you had the Reebok Shaqnosis
Now you’re working on a coronary thrombosis
I live in the gym, you’ve got a body by Hostess

Nike makes me shoes and spots, I jump cars for fun
Tell you what, I’d rather hang with Jackass than be one

You claim to be a player, but I f*cked your wife
Yeah, that’s just jokes, but–haha–I f*cked your life

Wanna go after me for your problems, nah, that’s all on you
And those big alimony checks–those are all on you too
Watch Shaunie stack those chips while you get blue

And what’s this I hear about how you went after Kareem?
You’ll never be like him, he was part of a team
Forget about Cap, were you even better than Dream?

Please explain the MDE with one MVP?
That’s like calling yourself a forest when you’re only one tree
Russ had five, Wilt had four, even Moses had three

As for the rings, yeah, you wound up with four
But the Most Dominant Ever should really have more
You weren’t the most feared to ever step on the floor

Those three titles we won, yeah, I couldn’t have done it without you
At least I can admit it, how `bout you, Shaq-Fu?

It’s always all about you–the big center of attention
But you ain’t notorious, never had that dimension
Coulda stayed in L.A. but you had to have that extension

You can score in the paint, can’t get it done at the line
Say “I hit `em when it matters” and everything’s fine?
Those ugly-ass bricks don’t take from your shine?

Nah, I guess not, but while it may not hurt your fame
It’s something to consider when you’re benched at the end of the game

And now new guys are coming through to rip that S off your arm
Bad enough you lost your game, now you even lost your charm

What ever happened to you, when did you get so bitter?
Used to be a champion, now you’re a quitter
Could have done more in Miami if you only got fitter

If you couldn’t take the fire, should have stayed out the Heat
You’re so out of shape you can barely THINK on your feet

And they even took your badges, that I’m sorry to hear
Because at least then you might have had another career

Call yourself a cop? You’re nothin’ but a pig
And rhyme all you want, you can never be Big

I’m a Laker for life, you’re just another man on a journey
In fact, don’t ever speak to me, just call my attorney
Keep playing with fire, you ain’t gonna burn me

You think you can spit? Like those six Grammies mattered?
You never were sh*t, but I’m glad you were flattered

You never really could rhyme, got carried by many
Kind of like how it worked with Dwyane, Kobe and Penny

People only rhymed on your records because they knew you had money
You think they laughed at your jokes `cause they thought you were funny?
Always thought you was Vito when you’re really a Sonny

As for your movies, they laughed WITH you, as far as you know
But maybe you should go back to school, like Neon Boudeaux

And hey, my coach came back, unlike Mike D’Antoni
He chose the KNICKS over you, you big f*cking phony
You think you a horse, but you barely a pony

I’ll be in Beijing this summer, going for gold
You could be too, if you weren’t so old

Face it, you mad, that’s why you came at me first
If I show you my trophy, will it slake your MVP thirst?

I got to stay home, you got displaced.
As years go by, your memories erased.
What was that, Diesel? How does your ass taste?
Shouldn’t you know? You’re the one sh*tfaced

Links:

[SlamOnline.com]: Pop Goes The Diesel

Categories
Boston Celtics

Celtics certify their championship with a beatdown of epic proportions

The Celtics finally completed their 22-year journey back to the NBA championship while Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen all had their careers “certified” as Garnett said during his interview moments after the final buzzer. The 131-92 annihilation of the Los Angeles Lakers in Game 6 was the most lopsided championship-clinching game in league history, delivering a massive spinning back fist to Kobe Bryant’s legacy as the “next” Michael Jordan. After all, can you imagine Mike ever dropping a Finals-clincher by 39 points?

After the game, fans flocked to the streets to celebrate their 17th banner which sounds like a ton of fun, but is really just confusing, frustrating agony. Just try to enjoy yourself amidst a sea of knuckleheads like this:

Categories
LA Lakers

Kobe Bryant keeps firing away after Game 3 ends

Nobody on Boston could stop Kobe Bryant on Tuesday night as he dropped 36 points in an 87-81 victory, giving the Lakers their first win of the series. After the game, Bryant remained untouchable, weaving his way through the fast-fingered censors to get off this s-bomb during the post game press conference.

Categories
Boston Celtics

There can only be one: Magic and Bird style

Game 1 of the NBA Finals was spectacular on Thursday night with the Celtics topping the Lakers by 10 points, 98-88, in Beantown. From Paul Pierce’s four-point play to his injury and heroic comeback to Kobe Bryant’s alley-oop flush late in the third to Kevin Garnett’s monster two-handed dunk off a rebound that basically sealed the victory, there were a whole lot of memorable moments in the series opener. However, there’s no doubt that this was absolutely the best 30 seconds of the night.

Categories
College Football

Odds and Ends: Wisconsin students must prepare for sober football


Bad news for drunken Badger fans; the University of Wisconsin-Madison decided to continue their 2007 “Show and Blow” campaign which requires students who were previously busted for getting tanked at a home football game to blow into a Breathalyzer unit to get in. Of course, you gotta pass the test to enter (blowing .00 for underage students and under .08 for those over 21).

When asked for reaction to the renewal of the program, almost every student on campus responded, “This blows!”

In other news…

[Yahoo! Sports]: Ko-Pau! comes to life

[eBay.com]: Celebrate the Lakers return to the Finals with your own 1999-2000 championship bling

[FoodCourtLunch.com]: The NBA All-Neckfold Team

[MMARated.com]: George Lucas’ daughter is in the MMA game

[UnCoached.com]: Hilarious/Inappropriate Entrance Songs in the MLB

[Awful Announcing]: Inside The NFL leaves HBO for Showtime, HBO pigs out on ice cream and cries

[SportsByBrooks]: What former NFL player hasn’t stolen manhole covers before?

And finally, here’s a little something for the ladies out there.


http://view.break.com/511829 – Watch more free videos

Categories
Boston Celtics

Sorry Lakers, but the Leprechauns already have the Finals wrapped up


If you’re one of those people who just hates waiting then, boy, do we have a solution for you. The fellas over at WhatIfSports.com used their massive brain power/computer programs to find out who’s going to win the NBA Finals matchup between the Lakers and Celtics long before either team takes to the court for Game 1 on Thursday night. Other than giving yourself a sports almanac from the future, this is the surest thing going.

We have simulated the NBA Finals between the Celtics and Lakers 10,000 times in order to determine the likelihood of either team winning it all. In the 11th Finals matchup of these two teams, the recently rebuilt Celtics come out on top by winning the series 64% of the time. The most common occurrence is a six game series, where Boston wins it all in its return home after three games in LA.

What follows is an example NBA Finals based on the most common result of those simulations.

GAME 1 Los Angeles 118 @ Boston 115 (OT)
GAME 2 Los Angeles 103 @ Boston 104
GAME 3 Boston 105 @ Los Angeles 95
GAME 4 Boston 89 @ Los Angeles 99
GAME 5 Boston 110 @ Los Angeles 101
GAME 6 Los Angeles 103 @ Boston 107

So, bust out the champagne Beantowners because it’s just a matter of time now. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Kevin Garnett is taking home Finals MVP honors with 20.3 points, 10.8 rebounds, 2.2 assists, 1.7 blocks and 0.8 steals per game.

Links:

[WhatIfSports.com]: NBA Finals Preview

Categories
San Antonio Spurs

Spurs are "Gone Fishin’"

The Lakers knocked off the defending champs on Thursday, advancing to the NBA Finals for the first time since Shaquille O’Neal was prowling the paint. Kobe Bryant got rid of the Spurs in incredible fashion, hitting big shot after big shot to break the hearts of those who thought this would be the year San Antonio repeated. However, no team is truly eliminated until it casts its line and starts reeling in some groupers. That’s right, it’s fishing time. Start up the boat EJ!

Of course, that also means that Inside the NBA is off the air until next season as well, meaning there will be no more moments like this anytime soon. Or this.

Categories
LA Lakers

Michael Jordan might be gone, but he’s not forgotten; at least, not by Kobe Bryant

With the Lakers two-point defeat of San Antonio in Game 4, they put a strangle hold on the series, meaning Kobe Bryant is one step closer to winning his fourth NBA championship. Of course, four rings still leave him two short of catching Michael Jordan who’s sitting in Charlotte with six in his pocket. And we all know that Kobe wants to be like Mike…in every way.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Categories
LA Lakers

Vanessa Bryant gets into a cat fight with an ESPN writer


When Kobe Bryant gets mad, he takes it out on the poor souls in opposing jerseys that happen to be attempting to guard him. Unfortunately, his wife Vanessa can’t pull off a cross-over dribble or go reverse off the glass, so, instead, when she’s unhappy, she uses her words. And most of them are bad; at least, according to ESPN The Magazine writer Laura Lane.

Last night, I got cussed out by Vanessa Bryant. Seriously. At the Lakers game. In front of her kids. In front of the Lakers locker room. It was awesome. She is mad about an article I wrote where I mentioned her. That means one of two things – she either reads the ESPN blog or she has herself on Google alerts. Both are fantastic.

So as I’m walking out of the Lakers locker room after some post-game interviews with the players, I pass Vanessa, who is sitting outside the locker room as usual with her two girls.

“Laura!” she screams (yes, she apparently knows my name). “Fuck you! You fucking bitch!”

“Excuse me?” I say, completely baffled as I look around me to see if there is someone else named Laura. No, there’s not.

Her daughters – ages 5 and 2 – are sitting next to her on the bench looking at their mom as she screams.

“Fuck you! How dare you write about me and my daughters and their schedule! You didn’t say you were writing an article! Fuck you! You fucking bitch. You have no journalism ethics! Fuck you! You bitch – ”

I just stare at her. I’ve heard many stories about her from reporters, but this was unbelievable. Two of my friends from the LA Times told me how she cussed out one of them last season, because he said hi to her daughter. “Join the club, this means you’ve arrived,” said one reporter when word spread of my run-in with Vanessa. “She’s insane,” said another. “Everyone knows it.”

Maybe Lane should consider purchasing Vanessa a $4 million purple diamond ring. That shut her up once before.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: ESPN Writer Gets Cussed Out By Kobe Bryant’s Wife