He bowls strikes and he gets out of wearing those nasty rental shoes. We’re officially jealous.
There are tons of reasons to be a sports fan, but there are also plenty of things that will get your sports fan card revoked. Adults wearing a player’s jersey should be one of them, but, according to Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole, that unfortunately doesn’t make the top 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan list. However, here are 10 surefire signs that your love for sports or true lack thereof might be cause for concern.
You wear fashionable sports merchandise.
Why wear what everyone else is wearing? You have to be different and cool. You want to stand out in the crowd and let everyone know that you set the trends.
You attend games in a suit, in the lower sections, and spend more time talking to a client or on your cell phone.
Real fans hate you. You get the good company seats, show up whenever, and pay more attention to selling your shit service to a client than to the incoming line drive at your head.
You are more interested in the food selection than what’s going on in the game.
Your typical game day attire consists of sweatpants or basketball shorts so that your elastic waistband can expand as your gorge on your third sausage and pepper sandwich. Everytime a vendor is in your section, you quickly scan what they’re selling and decide whether or not you want to pay $7 for another hot pretzel. You do, of course.
You spend the entire game bitching about the food prices, how boring the game is, or anticipating what you’re plans are after the game.
You’re the type of person that’s only happy when you’re miserable. Nothing makes you happy so you take it upon yourself to let everyone know that you’re unhappy.
You come late, leave early.
You know what time the game starts, yet you still show up an hour into the game. After a while, you decide to head home before the game is even over and it doesn’t matter if it’s a close score. You’ve got to beat the traffic! Surely worth the $90 ticket.
You speak loud enough so you think the people around you will believe you’re some sort of expert. And you also look around after each shitty joke.
You know it all. You bring three friends with lesser knowledge of the game and spout obvious statistics to make yourself sound smarter. You want everyone in your section to think of you as some sort of guru, so you make sure to raise your voice when answering an inane question from one of your friends.
You bring a baby/young kids to a division rivalry game.
You decide to bring a baby/young kids to an environment that’s going to be hostile, yet you’re still appalled when the expletives fly. You try to be a hero to your kids and stand up and tell those around you to keep the language clean because there’s kids around. You quickly sit down after the fourth beer stains your “World’s Best Daddy” t-shirt.
You get more animated during the Kiss Cam or t-shirt toss in-between play.
Your team is winning or needs some vocal support from the crowd, but you decide to save your energy when the teams interns shoot t-shirts into the crowd or when you finally notice you’ve been located on the Kiss Cam, and you’re sitting next to Joe Tough Guy and Willie Old Dude.
You show up to the game just for the gameday promotion.
You’ve got the Beanie Baby collection to show for it.
You grow balls when the big, opposing athlete is 100 feet away.
Tough guy when an opposing player is on the field/court/ice and you’re sitting up in the stands, protected by many seats and security guards. While you’re dining on wings at the local Hooters afterwards and said opposing athlete shows up for a post-game meal, your anus tightens quicker than Joan Rivers’ face.
[Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole]: 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan
We’ve been known to sit on the couch for hours/days on end, stuffing our faces full of Doritos and washing them down with cases upon cases of Coors Light, but even our pathetic, flabby bodies could have pulled out a victory in this race.
Michael Jordan might not be a rapper like Shaquille O’Neal, but that doesn’t mean he can’t talk some smack about Kobe Bryant…in front of a gymnasium full of kids! Hey, Kobe, tell us how Mike’s ass tastes.
Who would have ever guessed that longtime miscreant Ron Artest would be the only baller on the face of the planet to treat Kobe with a little respect?
[YardBarker.com]: MJ to Kobe: You couldn’t guard me
Sometimes we think owners give their horses stupid names just to make the race announcers sound like fools. But, hey, we’re not complaining.
Anytime someone climbs up to the announcer’s box at a Cubbies game for an opportunity to lead the home crowd in “Take Me Out To The Ballgame,” it’s usually going to end with cats screeching and dogs howling. After all, when is the last time you were watching WGN and saw a rendition that made you stand and applaud? Never, that’s when. So, as expected, when Charlie Weis hoisted himself up to the skybox, he proved he’s tone deaf and we got a kick out of it.
That was pretty bad, but don’t worry, Ozzy, you’re still the man.
OUCH! Right in the foosballs!
Talk about being disappointed in ourselves; we’ve been playing foosball since childhood and never once have we attempted to use the table as a source of humor/pain.
What’s next? Is someone going to tell us we could have been racking our friends during all those years of practicing karate too?
Don’t ask us why, but we love seeing little kids get hurt. Not seriously injured, but enough to make them cry like little titty babies. So, today, we went to CollegeHumor.com and got more than our daily fill of kid-pain.
Here’s a tike learning the downside of being a man:
And here’s little one finding out he’ll never participate in the X-Games:
Carson Palmer recently talked smack about Ohio State and Buckeye nation is not happy. So, for revenge, the Bengals quarterback is getting slammed in a parody of The Needle and the Damage Done. It’s not as intimidating as a parody rap could have been, but we still think it should get the point across.
Neil Young must be so proud.
See, we always knew professional wrestling was fake and here’s the proof.
We’re not the only ones who thought was blatantly staged, right? There’s no way the industry can survive with horribly unbelievable performances like that one. C’mon, give us a break, nobody gets up from a superplex!