Carson Palmer recently talked smack about Ohio State and Buckeye nation is not happy. So, for revenge, the Bengals quarterback is getting slammed in a parody of The Needle and the Damage Done. It’s not as intimidating as a parody rap could have been, but we still think it should get the point across.
And finally, when you think Father’s Day, there should really be only one man who pops into your head. That’s right, Shawn Kemp. So, from Hugging Harold Reynolds comes this Happy Pappy Day poem about the Reign Man.
Forty ounces to freedom
he forgets what he’s become
never used the mirror for reflection
the perfect surface for the street confection
got the sniffles nothin’ to blame on the weather
can’t lay off the coke it’s become his new pleasure
had a fan base spread wide like pepper mace
seattle’s ace in the hole, now he holds a sad place
when the drugs wore off his mouth remained open wide
hit the drive thru, couldn’t pick one– ordered every side
took the flack, made a comeback, attacked the rack
couldn’t cut it, didn’t make it, pounded a six pack
so many hi-lites, big dunks to remember, the lobs above all
can someone explain how shawn kemp messed up basketball
the number 40 still hangs in my closet, a middle school relic
yeah he’s a bum give’em one more shot, make’em a celtic
fans wanna see one more two-handed jam
give it up to the coverboy of slam
If you ever met Chad Johnson, what would you say? More importantly, what would you want him to say? You might not even know it, but you want him to deliver some gum-flapping, spittle-spraying, momma-ragging trash talk in your direction.
Odds are, you’ll never get close enough to Ocho-Cinco that he’d unload on you, but thanks to his new website you can get all the gum-flapping and momma-ragging minus the spittle. Pretty sweet, huh?
Just plug in your name and then send a personalized message to one of your closest pals by entering their name and phone number.
It goes something like this: “Hey, Jeffrey, this is Chad Johnson …Your boy says you’re a Kansas City fan. I don’t care how many times they win at home or how loud their fans get. Those boys (Chiefs) got no chance!
“… Who they think gonna stop me? I can’t even stop me! … Take some risks. You gotta take the big risks to get the big celebrations … You got a problem with this? Take it up with (your name) … Oh, and don’t forget: `85 in ’07,’ it’s all going down.”
The trash talk is geared toward any team you choose.
For the Patriots, Johnson declares, “I heard your new wide receiver’s over the hill. Me? I’m king of the hill.
Even though end zone celebrations have become rather cliché in recent years, trash talk will always remain in vogue.
With a 1-2 record, the Cincinnati Bengals fans a putting up with a lot of crap. But the poop that’s been being produced on the field each week is the least of fans’ worries.
Eric Brown is the managing director at Paul Brown Stadium and he’s asking the city for permission to kill crap-dispensing pigeons with an air rifle! PETA should love this.
Apparently, the stadium is having a problem with the birds taking dumps anywhere and everywhere in the stadium: on people’s heads, in their food, in their $85 beers. They’re remorseless. Heck, these birds will probably even let one rip on the great Carson Palmer if they get a chance.
Brown is saying that he wouldn’t be hunting pigeons on game days. What, no `bring your pellet gun to the game’ day?
The Bengals used to be able to scare the birds away with noise, but the little critters are immune to the sounds now. Now officials are turning to other ideas, besides slaughtering `em all, and thinking about using strobe lights, noise makers, fake owls and netting to solve the problem. We’re guessing that any of those are going to go over better than just going on a shooting spree.
But, we say just embrace the birds. Maybe Ocho-Cinco can work them into one of touchdown celebrations. We suggest that he goes for an Ace Ventura tribute theme.
We all know that America is having a sudden love fest for pit bulls and dogs in general after some athlete, we forget who, got in trouble for running an entire dogfighting operation out of his house. But, like people, some damn dogs are just plain mean. Now, we don’t know if that’s the case with Deltha O’Neal’s rottweiler, but the pooch went nuts this morning and started biting a woman and her 3-year-old kid on their legs and butts at O’Neal’s Cincinnati home.
The Bengals CB wasn’t at home when his dog attacked, but the woman, Jasmie Risco, called the cops around 8:30 and then got disconnected. By the time police responded to the scene, O’Neal had apparently come home and then taken them to the hospital where they were treated.
We don’t know who the lady was or why she was at his house, but we do know that the dog has been quarantined. Sorry, poochie, but this is probably going to mark the end of the road for you we’d guess. It sucks, but don’t worry, it could be worse. You could get drowned, electrocuted, shot in the head, smashed on the ground or be forced to fight to the death with another unlucky soul in order to entertain a wealthy athlete. Instead, you’ll just sit in a cold, hard cage, terrified, for a week or two and then be whisked off by a bunch of people in scrubs to a room where you’ll be put on a metal table and given an injection that makes you really sleepy dead. Then your body will be hauled off and burned in a furnace with all the other strays from the streets of Cincy. See, much better.
After guaranteeing the world that he’d rock our socks off when he crossed the goal line, Chad Johnson didn’t disappoint us with his delayed creativity. While the spontaneous imagination (and by spontaneous we mean scripted) has been somewhat dampened by the NFL rule changes, if you’ve got a couple extra minutes to wait around before the good times start rollin’ then you’ll love this season’s celebrations.
Dang, we could have gone and grabbed a beer from The Drunken Clam and been back before he put on that ugly yellow jacket. Was T.O. pulling out a Sharpie or Steve Smith doing the rowboat really all that bad? Now we gotta wait ten minutes before T.O. pulls out a Sharpie or Steve Smith does the rowboat. Geez, thanks NFL.
Let say you’re a second year running back who was on the Bengals’ practice squad last year. Let’s say you were signed to the offseason roster and trying to make the active roster this year. Wouldn’t the absolute last thing you do is get arrested? Well, not Quincy Wilson.
Wilson was arrested around 3 a.m. Sunday morning and charged with disorderly conduct. He was with a large wedding celebration that spilled outside of a bar in downtown Huntington, West Virginia. Police came by and told the crowd to disperse because gunshots had been reported at another bar up the street. The crowd refused to do so and 14 people including Wilson were arrested.
Wilson is the 10th Bengal arrested in just over a year. Considering that the Bengals are very wary of their image (and possible fines) under the league’s new personal conduct policy, expect the news headline “Bengals RB Wilson released” any second now.
[Cincy Post]: Wilson latest Bengal arrested
Some guys just can’t help themselves. Take a look at Odell Thurman — already suspended from the league for skipping a drug test and driving drunk, Odell has been accused of assaulting two men at a private residence. Two men claim that Odell Thurman assaulting them early Sunday (after partying till the wee hours of Saturday night) and that Odell’s brother Willie of threatening them with a gun.
No charges have been filed yet but the Bengals are already backtracking on Odell, essentially saying “he aint ours!”
Bengals spokesman Jack Brennan said Tuesday the team had no comment on the latest allegations.
“His situation is controlled by the league, he’s not officially on our roster,” Brennan said. “Since his possible reinstatement is in the league’s hands, we would defer any comment to the league.
Remember, Roger Goodell’s new personal conduct policy allows for teams to be disciplined for the transgressions of their players. Since the Bengals already have Chris Henry in the penalty box under the policy, they’re trying to avoid any more. This assault incident seems relatively minor and could just be a case of two guys targeting a professional football player but the Bengals want no part of any possible infraction. They are already emabrassed enough by Carson Palmer’s odd choices in endorsement deals.
[Fox Sports]: LB Thurman accused of kicking, hitting
So, if you had to guess, which NFL player would you say is crazy enough to race a friggin’ horse? Give up? Well, we all know that Ray Buchanan would probably guess it would be Shannon Sharpe but Sharpe doesn’t have the stones to go one-on-one with a stallion. You gotta be a batshit, fruit-loopy, Man-Ram type nutjob to go “man vs. beast” with a horse. So, Chad Johnson is naturally a perfect fit.
Ocho-Cinco will be taking on Restore the Roar on June 9 at the River Downs racetrack in Cincinnati, Ohio in order to raise money for Feed the Children. We can’t knock the guy for doing something to benefit a worthwhile charity but we have a feeling that he’d be trying to outrun the animals during a trip to an African wildlife safari. But regardless of motives, any way you slice it, this will be another entertaining adventure brought to you by Mr. Johnson.
While we’re not experts in the art of man vs. beast, we feel pretty comfortable in saying that the safe money is on the horse because we’ve seen the old FOX show where that track dude got smoked by a zebra and then had the balls to accuse “Zippity” of cheating.
We suggest that Chad calls off the race against Restore the Roar altogether and tries to race a giraffe instead. Maybe Carl Lewis can work the sidelines of that event as well.
[ESPN]: Man vs. horse in benefit race at River Downs