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MLB General

Baseball’s underutilized sexual innuendos


Sports are peppered with tons of sexual innuendos. Personally, we can’t hear the description “deep penetration” without giggling like little school girls. And we all know about getting to first, second, and, if you’re lucky, third base with a chick. But what about the underappreciated other metaphors that rarely see the light of day? They’re out there, you just probably never understood the references behind the everyday descriptions. So, here are some phrases besides “slump buster” to listen for the next time you’re watching a baseball game or listening to your buddies talk about their weekends on the prowl.

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of “taking one for the team”. You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won’t make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it’s not a good idea, and that you’ll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder’s Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Foul Ball: This has the simple meaning of being shut down, but in a nice way. You try to put the ball in the field of play to get on any base, but you a turned away and must try again on a different pitch.

Ace: This is a girl that rarely lets any guys get on base. Only if a guy is a really good hitter will he have any chance of getting anywhere with this girl.

Bases Loaded: This is just a full out orgy. You have a guy on first base, second base, and third base all at the same time, all within the same area. If you reach base, you know at least one of them is going to reach home plate.

Strikeout Looking: This term means the girl has given the guy a clear sign she wants him on one of the bases, but he just lets it go by and the opportunity is lost.

Stealing Home: Rape.

Links:

[CollegeHumor.com]: Less Common Baseball Sex Terms

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MLB General

Odds and Ends: Wolverine?! We always pegged Robin as an All Star catcher


If you’re anything like us then a lot of your childhood consisted of comic books and sports. When our nose wasn’t buried in the latest edition of X-Men, Punisher or Green Lantern, we would be pretending we possessed super powers while trying to school each other on court/field/diamond/whatever. So, when Brahsome.com released their 2008 Super Hero All-Stars, we instantly thought “What the hell! Why isn’t Nightcrawler playing in the outfield?!?”

1. Flash (SS) — We don’t need to explain why Flash is at the top of the lineup do we? A ridiculous combination of OBP and stolen bases, the only thing keeping him from being the perfect leadoff man is that he doesn’t speak in the third person.

2. Spiderman (CF) — You think Torii Hunter can climb walls? Please. Spidey sense tells him how to line up the defense and his webbing and speed turns him into some freakish combination of Willie Mays and Junior. Plus, it just seems like he could slap singles all day long.

3. Superman (LF) — X-Ray vision and faster than a speeding bullet probably don’t “hurt” anyone in the batter’s box. Flying isn’t a bad superpower to rock out in the field either.

4. The Thing (DH) — An incredibly strong dude made of literal rock isn’t much good for anything besides cleaning up. Like Papi, but with less fat and more taterjacks.

5. Batman (3B) — The only man on the planet with more tools than David Wright.

6. Wolverine (C) — Just in case you thought you got through the heart of the order, Wolvie is here to gnash at six. Literally a meast. And obviously not someone you want to try and bowl over at home plate. Shink-shink, son.

7. Punisher (RF) — He doesn’t really have any “super” powers, per se. But go ahead, try and tag up from second to third and see if he doesn’t gun your ass down. Go ahead. No, really. Guns.

8. Mr. Fantastic (1B) — If it seems like he might be a better fit elsewhere in the field, just remember that he has a decent reach and range on throws over to first. Also see: collapsible strike zones.

9. Captain America (2B) — Kind of like the Mark Lemke of super heroes, he’s not particularly great at anything. But he works his ass off. And he’s American. Plus, he can’t possibly be worse than Dan Uggla.

SP: Human Torch — What can we say? The guy’s got a gascan attached to his right arm. (Would you prefer “he throws fire?”)

CL: The Hulk — You could argue that you want the Hulk to bat. But what happens when this loser steps up to the plate? Plus, just wait until the top of the ninth and put matches in between his toes or tell him Torch f’d his sister and all of a sudden your closer makes Papelbon look like Ghandi.

In other news…

[AZSportsHub.com]: Chris Snyder would like to encase his balls in protective steel one day, but a Nutty Buddy will work for now

[SportsBy Brooks.com]: Beware Be scared of flying bats

[The Beardown]: 10 reasons why Europe is wrong for Jennings

[Football Jabber]: “Legacy?!? We spit in the face of our legacies!”

[Reuters.com]: They thought it was a hot dog eating competition. It’s an innocent mistake

[East Coast Bias]: Ugliest famous faces in sports

[SI.com]: So, ESPYs, does the carpet match the drapes?

[OrlandoSentinel.com]: A brief history of athletes showing all in Playboy

[Tirico Suave]: Oh those zany McCowns

[The World of Isaac]: Breaking down the finer points of Charles Barkley’s golf swing

And finally, hey, is that a young John Cena?

Categories
MLB General

Odds and Ends: Bon Jovi brings us up to speed with the MLB’s first half

Before the second half of the MLB season begins, why not remember the first half in style? Set to the tune of Bon Jovi’s greatest hits album, here’s the season’s memorable moments thus far. Are you ready to rock!?!

Lay Your Hands on Me: Boston Red Sox-Tampa Rays — The fight of the first half goes to these two teams. We’re still wondering what would’ve happened to Coco Crisp had James Shields connected on his haymaker.

Wanted Dead or Alive: Willie Randolph — We still don’t know for sure if it was the owners (The Wilpons) or the GM (Omar Minaya) who wanted Randolph out, but when you fire a guy who has won three of four and is on the first game of a West Coast trip at 3 a.m. Eastern time, you wanted blood however you could get it.

Keep the Faith: Detroit Tigers — The Tigers started 0-7 and it took them until June 30 to have a winning record. They’re still just one game over .500 and seven games behind the White Sox, but they’ve at least climbed out of a huge hole.

I’ll Be There For You: Francisco Rodriguez — K-Rod has 36 saves to lead the majors. The next highest total is 27.

Runaway: Evan Longoria — No player has a postseason award locked up more than the Rays rookie third baseman.

Livin’ On a Prayer: Chicago Cubs — Is this the year the drought finally ends? We all know about the curse of the Billy Goat and Steve Bartman. Cubs fans are praying this is the year those things are put in the past. They’re halfway there.

Blaze of Glory: Arizona Diamondbacks — The club got off to a 20-8 start. They’re now 46-46 and hold a one-game lead over the Dodgers in the NL West. We’d say that was going down in a blaze of glory.

It’s My Life: Josh Hamilton — We all know about Hamilton’s unbelievable comeback. He was consumed by drugs and was headed toward death. Now, he’s an MVP candidate who has a whopping 91 RBIs. The opening to this song’s chorus fits the Texas slugger perfectly: It’s my life/ It’s now or never/ I ain’t gonna live forever/ I just want to live while I’m alive.

Bad Medicine: Ryan Church — The Mets outfielder suffered a concussion on May 20 (his second of the season) has been sidelined by postconcussion syndrome on and off for almost two months. The Mets have been accused of not handling the injury properly and now the players’ union is getting involved.

You Give Love a Bad Name: Alex Rodriguez — This pretty much sums it up.

Never Say Goodbye: Barry Bonds — As teams try to figure out how to make that second-half surge, whose name has come up a few times in recent weeks? Bonds. Barry Bonds.

Have a Nice Day: Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, Mariners skipper John McLaren and the aforementioned Randolph all got their walking papers within four days of each other.

Who Says You Can’t Go Home: We couldn’t think of a good one for this song so we want you to submit some choice via that form to your right and we’ll post a couple later on.

In other news…

[East Coast Bias]: Best and worst of MLB All-Star Game

[The Bad News Bloggers]: This year’s top fantasy RB probably isn’t who you think it is (pssst, it’s Brian Westbrook)

[The Beardown]: A note to Bud Selig

[Don Chavez]: More pictures of cheerleaders gone slutty, this time in Winnipeg

[MyHogtown]: Beer guy gets canned…wait, he’s not working our section, right?

[NewsObserver.com]: The Pack is back

[Mondesishouse.com]: Pittsburgh Pirates: The Movie

[Red Sox Monster]: AP forgets to use spell-check

[SpursReport]: Spurs’ Coyote evacuates building

And finally, it’s Top Ten time.

Categories
MLB General

Odds and Ends: "Babe, I don’t know why he doesn’t hit the ball harder"

For the guys who are in a relationship, sports are usually a safe haven where the girlfriends rarely step foot. However, certain events like all-star games, the Super Bowl and March Madness bring out the inner sports fan within chicks and last night’s Home Run Derby certainly constitutes as such an event. So, for those of you lucky enough to actually trick a girl into dating you, here’s a list of things you probably heard while Josh Hamilton was going bananas.

“Look how slow they’re throwing the ball! This is SOOOOOO easy. You’d have to suck not to hit a home run every time.”

“That Berkman guy will definitely win, right? Don’t fat guys always win?”

“Were you joking when you said A-Rod isn’t participating because he’s spotting Madonna at the gym?”

“Why don’t they use the net in front of the pitcher in real games? Wouldn’t that be a lot safer?”

“Omigod. Look at all those guidos in the stands. As much as I love shopping in New York I am SOOO glad we don’t live there.”

“You haven’t switched over to E! once like you said you would.”

“Why don’t players just hit home runs every time? Wouldn’t that be a lot easier?”

“His last name isn’t really Uggla is it? I wouldn’t take your last name if it was Uggla.”

“So you’re really telling me you couldn’t do this? I thought you said you were good at sports.”

“Were you saying Hamilton `loves the coke’ or `loved the coke’?”

“Where’s Jeter? I thought you said he’d be there.”

“There’s another round?! Why? Enough people aren’t asleep?!”

In other news…

[Deuce of Davenport]: Now this is what we call a proper pregame warm-up

[RawSportsBlog.com]: The top 30 reasons to watch professional wrestling

[Undrafted Free Agent]: Mmmmm, the most memorable MLB manager meltdowns

[RyanSpoon.com]: The NFL is worth a whole lotta chedda

[Cleveland.com]: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Tractor Traylor is attempting to back his way into the NBA

[Bugs & Cranks]: The MLB is stuffed full of Dicks

[With Leather]: Josh Hamilton sends em back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back (we could be here a while), back, back, back, back…

[Docksquad Sports]: LeBron James gets groovy for charity

[YepYep]: Sorry BMXers and skateboarders, but you just lost use of the term “extreme” because of these guys

[YouTube]: The only good reason to watch a loser bounce quarters into a glass

And finally, the exact opposite of Heelys.

Categories
MLB General

Home Run Drinking Derby

MLB’s All-Star break is finally upon us and that can mean only one thing, it’s time for the Home Run Derby, which ultimately means only one thing, it’s time for the Home Run Derby‘s Second Annual Home Run Derby Drinking Game. So, call up all your friends, pick up a couple suitcases of Natty Light on your way home from work and get the vomit buckets ready because it’s time to compete for the coveted lampshade crown. Here’s the rules.

Short Version

* Put 911 on speed dial
* Take a drink every time Chris Berman says “Back” as in “Back-Back-Back”
* Take a drink every time Joe Morgan says something stupid.
* Wake up next week

Longer (and more fun) version

* Drink for every Home Run. Drink twice if it lands in Monument Alley.
* Drink twice if a Home Run lands in the second deck. Drink three times if it lands in the third deck.
* Drink if Zack Hampel catches a ball like he did at last year’s HRD in San Fran. Get out more if you knew that he’s the guy who has snagged 3,500 baseballs at games in his life.
* Drink every time they mention this is the last season at Yankee Stadium.
* Drink when you hear “The House that Ruth Built”
* Drink when any of the Yankees’ 26 Championships are mentioned.
* Drink when they tell you this is the first Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium.
* Drink every time they mention a Yankees great. Drink twice if he’s in Yankee Stadium.
* Drink when someone (probably Berman) wonders how Babe Ruth would have performed in a Home Run Derby.
* Drink when you see a player with a video camera.
* Drink when you see a player’s kid on the field.
* Drink if Alyssa Milano is shown. Drink twice if she’s drooling over Chase Utley.
* Drink anytime you see or hear Erin Andrews. Keep your tongue in your mouth, Traina.
* Drink when Chris Berman says “He hit that to Brooklyn-Shea Stadium-The Polo Grounds-Laguardia … or some other NY landmark
* Finish your drink when (not if) Berman mentions the Statue of Liberty and/or The Empire State Building.
* Finish your drink and go get another one and finish that if CHRIS BERMAN SAYS NOTHING during a Home Run. It happened once in 2006.
* Drink for every ball dropped in the outfield by the kids shagging flies.
* Drink if someone breaks a bat. Drink twice if it’s maple and it shatters.
* Drink when they mention that Alex Rodriguez isn’t participating.
* Drink every time they mention Josh Hamilton’s recovery from addiction.

* Drink when someone mentions that Ryan Braun is Jewish.
* Drink when someone mentions that Justin Morneau is Canadian.
* Drink if someone spells out Dan Uggla’s last name.
* Drink if they put up a picture of Evan Longoria next to a picture of Eva Longoria.
* Drink if someone mentions that there are NO Dominicans in the Derby this season.
* Drink when you realize you don’t miss Dusty Baker in the Home Run Derby booth.
* Drink every time Joe Morgan mentions that he led off the 1977 All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium with a Home Run. Drink twice if there’s video.
* Finish your drink if there’s any reference to “You’re With Me Leather”
* Take a drink if Yankees radio announcer Suzyn Waldman is shown. Finish it if she’s crying.
* Drink and shout “MAZEL TOV” if Ryan Braun wins the Derby.
* Drink and hum the theme from “The Natural” if Josh Hamilton wins the Derby.
* Drink some Canadian Club if Justin Morneau wins the Derby.
* Drink and giggle like a drunken horny Alyssa Milano if Chase Utley wins the Derby.

Links:

[Home Run Derby]: The 2008 Home Run Derby Drinking Game

Categories
MLB General

"That call stunk worse than my shoe or my sweaty armpit!! Here, smell! See, told ya!"

Easily the most entertaining minor league manager blow-up since that guy starting doing the belly crawl and tossing imaginary grenades at the umpire.

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MLB General

Street Fighter lives on within your favorite MLB pitchers

You remember Street Fighter, right? No, not the horrible, horrible movie with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue (yes, that Kylie Minogue). We’re talking about the video game sensation that swept the nation. As kids, we would literally walk for miles with a pocket full of quarters to the nearest gas station just to play. We always got beaten up and had our change taken once we got there, but at least we got to watch the high school kids play. Turns out, Uncoached had a similar love for the game and now, all these years later, they found a connection between the MLB and Street Fighter: Pitchers. See what you think about these comparisons.

CC Sabathia = E Honda

Josh Beckett = Ryu

Curt Schilling = Ken

Ben Sheets = Guile

Rich Harden = Chun Li

Randy Johnson = Dhalsim

Carlos Zambrano = Blanka

Joba Chamberlain = Zangief

Roy Halladay = Sagat

Johan Santana = Vega

Shawn Chacon = Barlog

Roger Clemens = M. Bison

Sorry, Curt, we know this is about pitchers and all, but Owen Wilson will always be our Ken.

Links:

[Uncoached.com]: These MLB Pitchers Remind me of Streetfighter II Characters

Categories
MLB General

Bad, bad, bad MLB trades

In the world of sports, there is nothing riskier than making that big trade. Then again, trades can also be extremely rewarding. Just think of how much thought, struggle and heartache goes into each trade you make in your fantasy league and then add the pressure of million dollar salaries, job security and team chemistry. It piles up quickly. So, with so franchises exercising extreme contemplation and deliberation, how do they make such horrible deals sometimes? It’s tough to say, but it happens, and the The Sports Muffin has the 10 Worst MLB Trades in Recent Years to prove it.

10. Texas Rangers trade John Danks, Nick Masset, and Jacob Rasner to the Chicago White Sox for Brandon McCarthy and David Paisano.

9. St. Louis Cardinals trade Dan Haren, Kiko Calero, and Daric Barton to the Oakland Athletics for Mark Mulder.

8. Oakland Athletics trade Mark McGwire to the St. Louis Cardinals for T.J. Matthews, Blake Stein, and Eric Ludwick.

7. Tampa Bay Devil Rays trade Bobby Abreu to the Philadelphia Phillies for Kevin Stocker.

6. New York Mets trade Scott Kazmir and Jose Diaz to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays for Bartolome Fortunato and Victor Zambrano.

5. Texas Rangers trade Chris Young…and Adrian Gonzalez to the San Diego Padres for Adam Eaton, Akinori Otsuka, and Billy Killian.

4. Seattle Mariners trade Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek to the Boston Red Sox for Heath Slocumb.

3. Montreal Expos trade Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips, and Lee Stevens to the Cleveland Indians for Bartolo Colon, Tim Drew, and cash

2. New York Mets trade Nolan Ryan, Don Rose, Frank Estrada, and LeRoy Stanton to the California Angels for Jim Fregosi.

1. San Francisco Giants trade Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan, and Boof Bonser to the Minnesota Twins for A.J. Pierzynski.

This isn’t exactly recent history, but there is no way we could talk about bad trades without reminding everyone how the Red Sox dealt Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920 for $100,000 and a $300,000 loan!

Links:

[The Sports Muffin]: 10 Worst MLB Trades in Recent Years

Categories
MLB General

Odds and Ends: OneNewsNow.com hops into the trading card game

Trade you a Jack Glasscock for your
Cunnilingus

After OneNewsNow.com’s embarrassing/hilarious mix-up involving sprinter Tyson Homosexual Gay, it was announced that the Christian news website will begin creating sports trading cards. Basically, they’re going to be similar to Garbage Pail Kids, but without the Scratch `n Stink cards. Luckily, TiricoSuave.com was able to get their hands on some of the high-demand cards before they hit the streets. If you thought Potty Scotty and Jason Basin or Adam Bomb and Blasted Billy were hilarious then you’ll love these duos.

Chubby Cox – Girthy Members

Dick Trickle – Phallic Secretion

Albert Pujols – Albert Sodomy Zone

Rusty Kuntz – Unkempt Vaginas

We are absolutely dying to see what they come up with for Lucious Pusey and Craphonso Thorpe.

In other news…

[Arrowhead Addict]: He’s just a rookie, but Glenn Dorsey already has one of the best nicknames in the NFL

[Huggin Harold Reynolds]: “Wes Welker, tell me how my ass tastes”

[FoxNews.com]: “Barack Obama, tell me how my ass tastes”

[TheMMAPost.com]: So, where you watchin’ the big fight on Saturday night?

[The World of Isaac]: How’s your favorite Baywatch babe holding up after 10 years?

[Bugs & Cranks]: MLB’s early season heroes

[The Sporting Blog]: Weedwhacker meets golf club

[The Love of Sports]: Baseball’s 50 strangest moments

[Awful Announcing]: Length? Stretch? Elongated? Extend? Considerable linear extent in space? What the hell was Jay Bilas talking about?

[Deuce of Davenport]: Dwyane Wade and the hardwood. We’ll leave it at that.

And finally, it’s the one-year anniversary of this.

Categories
MLB General

It’s true, everybody in MLB is doping

The use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs has virtually marred the game of Major League Baseball unrecognizable. Nobody can jack a dinger or throw a 100-mph heater anymore without some level of scrutiny and doubt being cast upon their true abilities. And rightfully so. But one place we never ever thought would be tainted by the corruption of drug use was the the ball kids’ clubhouse. We were wrong.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor