He bowls strikes and he gets out of wearing those nasty rental shoes. We’re officially jealous.
Professional athletes love to play with their big boy toys every chance they get, but, unfortunately, many times those toys wind up getting the best of their owners; especially when the toy is a motorcycle. Well, add former WWE champion Randy Orton to that list after he broke his collarbone falling off his mean machine.
Randy Orton was involved in a motorcycle accident near his home Sunday night that could have ended his life were he not wearing a helmet.
Orton, who has only been riding motorcycles for a month, said he was riding around a sharp curve on a steep hill home when an oncoming car veered into his lane causing him to widen his turn.
Orton then struck a curb and was thrown from his bike. He collided with the ground, knocking him unconscious. In his words, Orton “bounced and rolled just under 300 feet, landing in a ditch.”
“When I came to, I knew I had rebroken my collarbone,” said Orton. “When the police and fireman got there, they asked me ‘Where’s the guy who was in the wreck?’ and I said ‘It was me.'”
Orton, who was wearing just shorts and a sweatshirt, only sustained the rebroken collarbone.
Shorts and a sweatshirt might sound like odd apparel for a motorcycle ride, but it still beats some of the other outfits he’s been caught in.
[WWE.com]: Randy Orton escapes accident with only a broken collarbone
Odds and Ends: USC! USC! USC!
We can’t wait for the college football season to arrive, but it’s not for the reasons you might think. Sure, we love the history-filled rivalries, the tailgating and the school pride, but more than anything, we love the cheerleaders. What? Did you expect us to say the option offense or something? Here’s the latest preseason top 10 rankings for this year.
10. Alabama’s Auburn University tops off the list at number 10. Six of this sexy squad’s cheerleaders were named Who’s Who Among Students in American Universities and Colleges.
9. Hailing from sunny California are the ladies of San Diego State. SD State is not just among the top hottest cheerleaders but they also took home third place in the 2008 College Cheerleading and Dance Team Nationals.
8. Reigning at number eight, are the Clemson Cheerleaders all the way from South Carolina.
7. Representing the home of Britney Spears and the Louisiana State Tigers are the LSU Cheerleaders at lucky number seven.
6. The Ohio State Cheerleaders made an appearance earlier this year at CBS and now they are making an appearance on the top ten list at number six.
5. Stirring up the fans and tipping off the top five are the Oregon State Cheerleaders.
4. Everything is bigger in Texas, especially the talent – at number four are the University of Texas Cheerleaders.
3. The recipients of 16 national titles, it’s no wonder the University of Kentucky Cheerleaders are at number three.
2. Holding their own with 5 national title victories are the ladies from Kentucky’s University of Louisville.
1. And the number one hottest cheerleaders are the USC Cheerleaders aka The Song Girls. These ladies bring good luck, cheers and songs to the devoted Trojan fans.
In other news…
[Sports Cucumber]: America officially no longer cares about men’s gymnastics
[Gossip on Sports]: President Bush salutes an American flag, er, ass. Whatever
[YardBarker.com]: Any idea who won between Jon Fitch and Georges St. Pierre?
[The Beautiful Game]: Always keep your head on a swivel when watching soccer
[NYPost.com]: The Boss is set to rock the Super Bowl
[Denver Stiffs]: The hardest man to trade in the NBA?…
[The Spoiler]: Spain is soooo totally mature
[Tirico Suave]: Kobe gets funky while riding the pine
[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: “The continuing adventures of Tony and Jess”
[StupidVideos.com]: A hockey player with no aim
[The World of Isaac]: It’s not Erin Andrews, but we’ll take it
[The Love of Sports]: Top 20 TD Celebrations
[YuppiePunk.org]: Dennis Rodman’s hair suddenly doesn’t look so bad
[YardBarker.com]: Can you name 10 RBs who make more money than Brian Westbrook? You got three minutes. Go!
And finally, here’s a good way to impress your friends…and make them fear you.
Remember way back in the day when the NFL stuck the uprights smack in the middle of the end zone? Why don’t they do that anymore?
Fantasy football is right around the corner, so, by now, you should have already come up with a clever name for your squad because we all know that the picking the right name is half the battle. After all, have you ever seen a squad called the Hawks or Team Smith actually win a fantasy Super Bowl? Of course not! So, if your team is still nameless then here are some tips to help pin down that all important moniker and strike fear into the hearts of your opponents.
10. Hetero double entendres. Kind of a frat boy thing, but this can work if you find a particularly repulsive slang term (UrbanDictionary.com is your friend), or you can tie it into some regrettable instance from a league mate’s past. Can you win a league with the team from spite? Of course you can.
Samples (and they should all fit in the character Yahoo limit): My Johnson Is A Tank, Snake Stabler Sneaks, Fourth and Very Long
9. Off-field scandal. Another obvious play, especially if you go for something topical. Trust me, fifteen million meatheads are going to use their team name this year to reference Fat Ced Benson, to the point where he’s going to be the best known player in the CFL in two years. If you are going here, I’d go for something with historical stopping power, but if you’re a Bears fan, I can understand the need for Ceed. At least be quick about it, so the other guy in the league who wants to go there will look like a tool, rather than you.
Sample: Driving Miss Benson, Carruth’s Comebacks, Leinart’s Beer Bongs
8. Homo eroticism. A bit more confident, but still kind of a meathead staple. Much more permissible when used in conjunction with a personal attack on a fellow owner, especially if that owner gets a little too angry at the jibe. Where there’s smoke…
Samples: Offensive Holding, Tight End Blockers, Very Wide Receivers, Ocho Homos
7. Scatological. Najeh Davenport is the gift that keeps on giving here, with a contribution to fantasy football that will be around long after he’s dead and gone. For extra originality points, try using a non-common term for the deed. This one also works if your team is something you always want to flush at mid-season.
Samples: 3 Hour Groaners, Romeo’s Brown Eggs, Najeh’s Feedback, Duce Staleys, Rich Kotites
6. Crime. Football team names are supposed to be aggro, so let the USFL (Invaders — wow, maybe that needs to go in category eight) and XFL (Hitmen) be your guide to Thug Life. (Please keep in mind though, 2Pac, that you are engaging in Dungeons and Dragons for football fans here, before you get too serious about your street cred.)
Samples: Jersey Wet Workers, The Hired Goons, Ninjas & More Ninjas
5. Cultural References. A very sound choice if you are in a 100% redraft league, and convenient for time-stressed feedback. Why develop your own voice, when you can just crib from people who are more clever than you? By the mid-season mark, everyone will be sick to death of it, but that adds valuable Heel Points for enraging your victims. (Yes, I have gone here. Many, many times.)
Samples: There Will Be Blood, Grand Theft Football, Mean Machine
4. Non Sequiturs. To befuddle your opponents into thinking that you are either an idiot man-child who can be suckered into deals, or to just make owners that you don’t know give you a wide berth, let the Dada art and poetry movements be your guide. Bonus points if your team name is vaguely unsettling or unseemly.
Samples: Mustache Fish Riders, Fruit Transmissions, Angry When Angered
3. Nerdgasms. Take your lead from one of my heroes, Stephen Colbert, and just *own* your nerding by making fun of yourself first. That way, everyone else will seem like they got to the party late, and you’ll seem like a better guy than you are when it comes to making trades. Besides, look at who makes all the money now, and didn’t just inherit it. What do you got? NERDS!
Samples: +4 Vorpal Quarterback, Third Life Warriors, Klingon Air Power
2. Pejoratives. If you are like me, well, you really should get that checked. You also hate your team as soon as you are done drafting it, or if and when they ever lose. About the only thing you can be sure about in playing this game is that the capacity for self-abuse is endless, whether it comes from benching the wrong players to making the wrong pick or getting buggered in a trade to being too slow for the hot free agent pickup… well, I’ll just stop here before I start punching myself. So why not make your team reflect your true nature?
Samples: Toilet Dwellers, Freaking Losers, Very Special Teams, Douchebags R Us
1. Meta comedy. When all else fails, just call your team something sad and generic, especially if it has nothing to do with your actual rooting interest. This one works well if everyone else in the league has nerded up and gone over the top with their names, and can’t be beat for the sheer time savings. The only down side is that, well, I’ve never seen a team win with this strategy, and dry humor doesn’t always translate into written speech.
Samples: Cardinals, Football Team, Wildcats, Lines Of Numbers
[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Fantasy Football Naming Conventions
Bill Plaschke is what he eats
[The Big Lead]: Bill Plaschke Went to Beijing and Ate a Penis
Adolf Hitler might be a true blue Cowboys fan, but he’s just as sick of the Brett Favre drama as the rest of us.
In other news…
[YardBarker.com]: Can you name the entire 1992 Dream Team? You got two minutes. Go!
[Red Sox Monster]: “Defrost Ted” tee hits the shelves
[SI.com]: Cancel your order for a No. 23 Olympiakos jersey
[SignOnSanDiego.com]: Please, please, please don’t take our drunk athletes away!
[Rear Naked News]: Quinton Jackson’s life continues to spiral out of control
[Awful Announcing]: Art Monk finally gets his props
[Home Run Derby]: What you talking `bout, umpire?!
[Boston.com]: Paul Pierce gets bracelets to match his new ring
[Epic Carnival]: Bobblehead makers are truly the lowest form of artist
[Uncoached]: Which Sweet Lou face is your favorite?
[The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]: Awwww, man; we’re Stephen A. Smith!
[CollegeOTR.com]: College can be a career killer
[SamePageSports.com]: If you said Coach K is the cheesiest person alive then give yourself a pat on the back
[Cousins of Ron Mexico]: “The 2008 Bejing Ol-Chimp-ics.” Thank goodness we’re not the only ones who don’t use spell-check
And finally, another classic video of a cheerleader getting trampled by the football team.
There are tons of reasons to be a sports fan, but there are also plenty of things that will get your sports fan card revoked. Adults wearing a player’s jersey should be one of them, but, according to Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole, that unfortunately doesn’t make the top 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan list. However, here are 10 surefire signs that your love for sports or true lack thereof might be cause for concern.
You wear fashionable sports merchandise.
Why wear what everyone else is wearing? You have to be different and cool. You want to stand out in the crowd and let everyone know that you set the trends.
You attend games in a suit, in the lower sections, and spend more time talking to a client or on your cell phone.
Real fans hate you. You get the good company seats, show up whenever, and pay more attention to selling your shit service to a client than to the incoming line drive at your head.
You are more interested in the food selection than what’s going on in the game.
Your typical game day attire consists of sweatpants or basketball shorts so that your elastic waistband can expand as your gorge on your third sausage and pepper sandwich. Everytime a vendor is in your section, you quickly scan what they’re selling and decide whether or not you want to pay $7 for another hot pretzel. You do, of course.
You spend the entire game bitching about the food prices, how boring the game is, or anticipating what you’re plans are after the game.
You’re the type of person that’s only happy when you’re miserable. Nothing makes you happy so you take it upon yourself to let everyone know that you’re unhappy.
You come late, leave early.
You know what time the game starts, yet you still show up an hour into the game. After a while, you decide to head home before the game is even over and it doesn’t matter if it’s a close score. You’ve got to beat the traffic! Surely worth the $90 ticket.
You speak loud enough so you think the people around you will believe you’re some sort of expert. And you also look around after each shitty joke.
You know it all. You bring three friends with lesser knowledge of the game and spout obvious statistics to make yourself sound smarter. You want everyone in your section to think of you as some sort of guru, so you make sure to raise your voice when answering an inane question from one of your friends.
You bring a baby/young kids to a division rivalry game.
You decide to bring a baby/young kids to an environment that’s going to be hostile, yet you’re still appalled when the expletives fly. You try to be a hero to your kids and stand up and tell those around you to keep the language clean because there’s kids around. You quickly sit down after the fourth beer stains your “World’s Best Daddy” t-shirt.
You get more animated during the Kiss Cam or t-shirt toss in-between play.
Your team is winning or needs some vocal support from the crowd, but you decide to save your energy when the teams interns shoot t-shirts into the crowd or when you finally notice you’ve been located on the Kiss Cam, and you’re sitting next to Joe Tough Guy and Willie Old Dude.
You show up to the game just for the gameday promotion.
You’ve got the Beanie Baby collection to show for it.
You grow balls when the big, opposing athlete is 100 feet away.
Tough guy when an opposing player is on the field/court/ice and you’re sitting up in the stands, protected by many seats and security guards. While you’re dining on wings at the local Hooters afterwards and said opposing athlete shows up for a post-game meal, your anus tightens quicker than Joan Rivers’ face.
[Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole]: 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan
We’ve been known to sit on the couch for hours/days on end, stuffing our faces full of Doritos and washing them down with cases upon cases of Coors Light, but even our pathetic, flabby bodies could have pulled out a victory in this race.
The Olympics are right around the corner, Friday to be exact, and we can’t wait to see the red, white and blue go berserk on some foreigner asses. And while we’re confident in Team USA, regardless of sport, we know America would have a definite edge over the competition in the individual sports if we used our biggest, strongest and fastest athletes available. In other words, we need to totally revamp the Olympic roster and use nothing but NFLers. Here’s how things would look, according to NE Patriots Draft.
Fencing – Travis Henry
He’s pretty good with his sword, if you know what I mean.
Sailing – Matt Birk
He’s a Viking, so boats are right up his alley, plus he went to Harvard.
Sprint Events – Devin Hester
No pads, no defenders, give him the gold.
Long Distance Events – Kenyatta Walker
He’s got Kenya in his name right?
Shotput/Discus – Vince Wilfork
Holds the state record in Florida for the Shot, throwing it 68 feet.
Wrestling – Stephen Neal
Two-time NCAA champ, beating Brock Lesnar his senior season.
Diving – Reggie Bush
Nobody flips like this guy, gotta work on the landing though.
Swimming – Mario Williams
Best Swim move in the league.
Synchronized Swimming – Peyton and Eli Manning
Just a fun mental image for you and the whole family.
Boxing – Tom Zbikowski
Kayaking – Chris Cooley
No reason, just thought he was the only NFL’er that could make me watch Kayaking.
Weightlifting – Larry Allen
Holy Mother of God.
Equestrian – Chris Williams
He’s got the family ties.
Gymnastics – Martin and Bill Gramatica
Hamm’s? Martin and Bill can jump! And Prance! About the right size too…
Cycling – Shawne Merriman
Lots of dopers to pick on, I’ll chose Mr. Lights out today.
Archery – Tom Brady
Accuracy is his middle name.
Judo – Scott Peters
Badminton – Hines Ward
Koreans love Badminton.
Shooting – Marvin Harrison
Still too afraid to say anything.
Table-Tennis – Jacob Hester
White Running Backs can really play pong.
[NE Patriots Draft]: All-NFL Olympic Team