He bowls strikes and he gets out of wearing those nasty rental shoes. We’re officially jealous.
There are tons of reasons to be a sports fan, but there are also plenty of things that will get your sports fan card revoked. Adults wearing a player’s jersey should be one of them, but, according to Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole, that unfortunately doesn’t make the top 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan list. However, here are 10 surefire signs that your love for sports or true lack thereof might be cause for concern.
You wear fashionable sports merchandise.
Why wear what everyone else is wearing? You have to be different and cool. You want to stand out in the crowd and let everyone know that you set the trends.
You attend games in a suit, in the lower sections, and spend more time talking to a client or on your cell phone.
Real fans hate you. You get the good company seats, show up whenever, and pay more attention to selling your shit service to a client than to the incoming line drive at your head.
You are more interested in the food selection than what’s going on in the game.
Your typical game day attire consists of sweatpants or basketball shorts so that your elastic waistband can expand as your gorge on your third sausage and pepper sandwich. Everytime a vendor is in your section, you quickly scan what they’re selling and decide whether or not you want to pay $7 for another hot pretzel. You do, of course.
You spend the entire game bitching about the food prices, how boring the game is, or anticipating what you’re plans are after the game.
You’re the type of person that’s only happy when you’re miserable. Nothing makes you happy so you take it upon yourself to let everyone know that you’re unhappy.
You come late, leave early.
You know what time the game starts, yet you still show up an hour into the game. After a while, you decide to head home before the game is even over and it doesn’t matter if it’s a close score. You’ve got to beat the traffic! Surely worth the $90 ticket.
You speak loud enough so you think the people around you will believe you’re some sort of expert. And you also look around after each shitty joke.
You know it all. You bring three friends with lesser knowledge of the game and spout obvious statistics to make yourself sound smarter. You want everyone in your section to think of you as some sort of guru, so you make sure to raise your voice when answering an inane question from one of your friends.
You bring a baby/young kids to a division rivalry game.
You decide to bring a baby/young kids to an environment that’s going to be hostile, yet you’re still appalled when the expletives fly. You try to be a hero to your kids and stand up and tell those around you to keep the language clean because there’s kids around. You quickly sit down after the fourth beer stains your “World’s Best Daddy” t-shirt.
You get more animated during the Kiss Cam or t-shirt toss in-between play.
Your team is winning or needs some vocal support from the crowd, but you decide to save your energy when the teams interns shoot t-shirts into the crowd or when you finally notice you’ve been located on the Kiss Cam, and you’re sitting next to Joe Tough Guy and Willie Old Dude.
You show up to the game just for the gameday promotion.
You’ve got the Beanie Baby collection to show for it.
You grow balls when the big, opposing athlete is 100 feet away.
Tough guy when an opposing player is on the field/court/ice and you’re sitting up in the stands, protected by many seats and security guards. While you’re dining on wings at the local Hooters afterwards and said opposing athlete shows up for a post-game meal, your anus tightens quicker than Joan Rivers’ face.
[Sean Leahy’s Going Five Hole]: 10 Reasons You Should Stop Being a Sports Fan
If it wasn’t for rent being due, we’d be thrilled that first day of August has finally arrived. Before you know it, the end of the month will be here and so will college football and we all know it doesn’t get any better than that. But before we can enjoy the greatest sporting season on the face of the planet (minus the whole refusing to institute a playoff system, of course), we have to sit through a few more weeks of intense anticipation. Still, it couldn’t be any worse than the past 31 days, could it? According to the fellas over at Rumors and Rants, it can’t and they have a whole slew of reasons, one for each day of the month to be exact, for why July totally sucked for sports fans.
1. We had to suffer through a Tiger-less major and try to talk up the entertainment value of guys we’ve never heard of competing for a championship no one cared about.
2. I now know far too much about Greg Norman’s sex life. I don’t want to hear about how a 53-year-old guy is missing out on his honeymoon with his 53-year-old former tennis champion wife so he can melt down at a major championship. Yeesh.
3. I just learned that Ryan Newman is the most sought-after free agent in all of NASCAR. You don’t say? Thank you ESPNEWS for that little tidbit.
4. Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte? A broken-down Pudge Rodriguez for Kyle Farnsworth? And Mark Teixeira again? Five words: most boring trade deadline ever.
5. A-Rod’s wife filed for divorce and it was front page news. Then it was revealed that his relationship with Madonna was the impetus behind the split. Hmmm, maybe Jose Canseco was right about Rodriguez’s desire to follow where Canseco had already been. Also, what’s with A-Rod’s thing for manly women? As my sister said, “Between that tranny-looking stripper in Toronto and Madonna, he’s definitely had something shoved up his ass.” Well played sister, well played.
6. Only in July would Manny Ramirez acting like a jackass actually be big time news.
7. Brett Favre’s wireless plan made ESPN’s bottom line as “breaking news.” After days of speculation that Favre had used a Packers-issued cell phone to contact other teams, it was revealed that he did not in fact have a Packers-issued cell phone. Well good, thank the Lord that’s cleared up.
8. Ryan Sheckler, an 18-year-old skateboarder, was shirtless on ESPN the Magazine this month. Yes, ESPN thought it would be a good idea to put a shirtless pubescent male on the cover of their magazine. Thats not to be confused with the countless other shirtless guys who have appeared on the cover (Carl Edwards comes to mind). So uh, what, exactly is going on over there at The Mag?
9. So wait, NBA players are actually leaving the United States to go play in Europe? Look, Europe is nice for a vacation or for checking out the cans on your Greek tour guide, but living there full-time? Isn’t there a reason all those Euros are trying to come over here?
10. Let me get this straight, Luol Deng’s stats all dropped but he ended up with a bigger contract than he would have gotten last year? Apparently 17.0 points, 6.3 rebounds and 2.5 assists per game now equals a six-year, $80 million contract in NBA-terms. Yeah, a solid July-based move there.
11. While some may say baseball’s All-Star Game was exciting, they’re wrong, it was just plain boring. Aside from Dan Uggla doing his best Charles Smith impression (it’s an obscure reference, do some research), there wasn’t anything really that compelling about the game.
12. The WNBA had a brawl and it was predictably disappointing.
13. We had to listen to a month of Ron Artest trade scenarios. Who cares where he went? He’s just going to find a way to screw things up there too.
14. Rudy Giuliani’s kid is suing Duke. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.
15. The Detroit Pistons actually signed Kwame Brown. To repeat: someone is going to pay Kwame Brown to play basketball next season. Pay him money. I really want to know the guy associated with the Pistons who actually thought this was a good idea.
16. Jason Taylor danced his way right out of Miami.
17. Josh Hamilton’s amazing performance at the Home Run Derby was moving and inspirational. But during this miserable month every good story had to be ruined, in this case Justin Morneau killed what would have been a beautiful moment by actually beating Hamilton.
18. Somehow Sidney Ponson still has a job.
19. Welcome to the Clippers Mr. Davis. Welcome to Philadelphia Mr. Brand. I love that everyone is shocked that after seven years of suffering as a member of the Clippers that Elton Brand would want to get the hell out of there.
20. Richie Sexson was released by the Seattle Mariners and the New York Yankees swooped in and saved the day by signing him. Again, I want to know the guy who thought this was a good idea.
21. I don’t know much about NASCAR but thanks to a lack of anything real to talk about, I now know this: Goodyear tires suck.
22. Urban Meyer wrote a book. And he further proved that he’s an ass.
23. The Oakland A’s and Billy Beane continue to try and ruin baseball as we know it. Not only has Beane sent away Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton in less that a year, he’s now looking to dump Justin Duchscherer and Huston Street, in an attempt to get rid of any good players left in the A’s system. I love how Billy Beane is worshiped for the way he runs his franchise, when they’ve never won anything and frankly, the Minnesota Twins are the model low-budget franchise.
24. Speaking of the Twins: Hey Francisco Liriano is back and dominating…in AAA.
25. According to BallHype, this month we became a Kenny Perry blog. And as some of you might know, we f-ing hate Kenny Perry.
26. I made my first (and last) trip to Yankee Stadium, and was thoroughly underwhelmed. The stadium was pretty basic and looked like something out of the 70s. I know it was remodeled then, but for some reason I was thinking there would be some sort of nostalgic, old-timey experience. Hell, I didn’t even get yelled at by any belligerent Yankee fans. All-in-all it was nothing more than an average trip to a ballpark.
27. The Tour de France was this month. If a bunch of European guys in spandex climb mountains on bikes and nobody cares, did it actually happen? I mean, the least those guys could do is burst into flames when they crash.
28. Sadly, no one told the Houston Astros they’re completely out of the NL playoff race. The Cubs got Rich Harden, the Brewers got C.C. Sabathia and how did the ‘Stros respond? They scored Randy Wolf and LaTroy Hawkins. Apparently reality has no place in Houston, Texas.
29. Iraq was told they couldn’t participate in the Olympics. Then told they could. Yeah, this is exactly the kind of thing the IOC should be in control of, since that wholly competent body’s whims should be in charge of the hopes of millions of Iraqis who could really use a distraction from the 130 degree heat in August.
30. The Arena Bowl was this month. And no matter how much ESPN and Ron Jaworski try to convince me otherwise, Arena Football is an abomination. It’s not as bad as Canadian Football, but it’s close.
31. Hey, how ’bout those Padres huh?
[Rumors and Rants]: Thirty-One Reasons July Sucks
There’s a lot of jerks in this world and it just so happens that many of them are professional athletes. Say what you will, but sports would be a much different place without them. They certainly keep things spicy and we love/loathe them for it. So, without further ado, here’s CBSSports.com list of the Top 50 Sports Jerks.
50. Albert Belle
49. Art Modell
48. Isiah Thomas
47. Bill Parcells
46. John McEnroe
45. Ray Lewis
44. The federal government.
43. Diego Maradona
42. Bill Romanowski
41. Jeremy Foley
40. Lawrence Taylor
39. Bobby Fischer
38. Scott Boras
37. Randall Simon
36. Don King
35. Wilt Chamberlain
34. Dale Earnhardt Sr.
33. Totally, completely, psychotically overboard fans of Barbaro
32. Claude Lemieux
31. (tie) Tony Stewart and Danica Patrick
29. Rasheed Wallace
28. Terrell Owens
27. Stephon Marbury
26. Kennesaw Mountain Landis
25. Tommy Lasorda
24. Mike Tyson
23. Ron Artest
22. Tonya Harding
21. Ben Johnson
20. Pacman Jones
19. Latrell Sprewell
18. John Rocker
17. Ko-Me Bryant
16. Barry Bonds
15. Reggie Jackson
14. Marion Jones
13. Mark McGwire
12. Manny Ramirez
11. Reggie Bush
10. Todd Bertuzzi
9. Robert Irsay
8. Bob Knight
7. Brett Favre
6. Pete Rose
5. John Daly
4. Ty Cobb
3. Tim Donaghy
2. Mike Vick
1. Roger Clemens
Yep, you can look it over one more time, but you’re eyes are not deceiving you. OJ Simpson and Rae Carruth did not, we repeat, did not make the cut! Apparently, “If you’re a murderer, well, you’re probably a jerk. Duh.” Talk about ridiculous reasoning! Don’t raping women and eating ears (Mike Tyson), corrupting the NBA (Tim Donaghy) and electrocuting pitbulls (Mike Vick) constitute as no brainers for jerkiness anymore?
[CBSSports.com]: Top 50 Sports Jerks, the Sequel: Pity these fools
We have a strict and simple belief that we live our lives by every single day and that is grown men should NEVER wear the jerseys of professional athletes. Just the idea of seeing some 42-year-old from Denver sporting a John Elway throwback makes us wanna puke. But, it happens everyday in this great country of ours and everyday we shed a tear over it. So, for the love of all things decent, if you have to wear a jersey, please take the advice of the Bleacher Report guys and just make sure it’s not one of these 10. Oh, or Michael Vick.
10. Any WNBA jersey (just wanted to get that out of the way first).
9. Randall Gay – I don’t think I’m really homophobic, saying that, I don’t even think a gay man would wear a jersey with “Gay” on the back of it. Good for Gay, he already has a Super Bowl ring, and in March, he’s headed back to his home state of Louisiana, signing with the Saints for $17.6 million.
8. Bill Buckner – Even after the Sox broke the curse and have one two World Series in the last few years, has anybody really forgiven Buckner in Boston? I don’t think I would take the chance of sporting a Buckner jersey anywhere around the Boston area.
7. Leon Lett – Although he was a two-time Pro Bowler and part of the Dallas Cowboys’ three Super Bowl victories in the `90s, he will probably be remembered for two real stupid/hilarious plays.
The first play coming in Super Bowl XXVII. Lett recovered a fumble on the 45-yard line and was running it back for a clear touchdown, at around the 10, Leon outstretched his arm with the ball. Not seeing a hustling Don Beebe, the ball was stripped and knocked out of the end zone, which resulted in a touchback. Granted, the play had no effect on the game at all, it must have been really embarrassing for Cowboy’s nation.
The second play came on a Thanksgiving Day game in ’93. With the Cowboys leading the Dolphins 14-13 in the closing seconds, Miami attempted a field goal. During the game, there was a rare snowstorm in Dallas which covered the field. Anyway, the Cowboys wound up blocking the kick.
While his teammates made a circle around the ball and started celebrating, Lett broke through to recover the ball. I don’t know if he even knows what he was thinking, but he slipped on the ice when trying to get it. The Dolphins recovered the ball on the one-yard line. Miami wound up winning the game.
Come to think of it, maybe I would wear his jersey; it would be a conversation starter.
6. Jose Canseco – Do I really have to explain why? Maybe I would wear his twin brother’s, Ozzie, jersey, now he was something special.
5. Rae Carruth – He was a first-team All-American wide receiver out of Colorado who was the 27th overall pick by the Carolina Panthers in 1997. In his rookie year, Carruth led all rookie receivers in receptions and receiving touchdowns. He showed a lot of promise. It all came to an end in 1999, when he conspired to commit murder. The victim was Carruth’s girlfriend who was pregnant with his twins at the time. He’s still in jail.
Wearing his jersey would be, let’s say in bad taste? Carruth’s number? 89. I guess it wasn’t the number; Steve Smith seems to be alright with it, unless he conspired in the elimination of running back Stephen Davis. Is it just me, or did he disappear very quickly?
4. Gheorge Muresan – The tallest player ever to play in the NBA. His number was 77, which was in reference to his 7’7″ frame. He was named Most Improved Player in the 1995-96 season when he put up solid numbers, averaging 14.5 points, 9.6 rebounds, and 2.6 blocks. He also gave a riveting performance co-starring with Billy Crystal in the movie My Giant where he played a big guy.
Did anybody ever sport a Muresan jersey? There had to of been, I think I remember them in the stands in his Washington Bullets days. As for me? I don’t like anybody over seven feet.
3. Aaron Rodgers – His jersey will be a novelty item the way things are going now. Will he ever start a game? Just a thought wouldn’t it be cool to see the Packers fans wearing Rodgers’ jerseys and the Packers fans wearing Favre jerseys fight? It would be a Green Bay Civil War.
2. Scott Norwood – “No Good! Wide right!” With Norwood’s 47-yard field goal miss, the Giants won Super Bowl XXV. Although he was the Bills all-time leading scorer, he will always be remembered for that kick. I might try to get a Ray Finkle jersey though. Finkle was the kicker based on Norwood in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, for those of you who didn’t get the reference. If only the laces were out, Norwood could be a Buffalo hero.
1. O.J. Simpson – Although the Juice is loose, his jersey isn’t. Pretty funny that his jersey has spent more time locked up than him. That is, until he finally catches the true killers. Then I can finally dust the magnificent shirt off, it just looks weird in my closet. I just can’t get rid of it; he is a former Heisman winner.
[Bleacher Report]: Top 10 Most Unwearable Jerseys
As sports junkies, we get inundated with crazy opinions every single day. Mostly from the moronic panels of First Take and Around the Horn, but even those guys aren’t whacky enough to say what’s on most Americans minds. Nope, if you want to hear the real dirt from the world of sports then you need to turn to Epic Carnival because they’re willing to say the things nobody on TV has the balls to say. Like No. 5, for example.
10. Aaron Rodgers is better than Brett Favre
9. The fact that a WNBA team has hired a 50-year-old player does not say good things about the competitive level of the league
8. If some employer offered you ridiculous money to go to Europe, you’d go too
7. Unless a minor league team is having a brawl, manager meltdown, or topical publicity gag, no one gives a damn about anything they do
6. Mark Cuban has never won anything of consequence, whines like a spoiled child over any loss, and would in no way be perfect for the Cubs
5. Many people in the United States would be happier if Team USA lost in basketball, because they just hate the NBA and/or black people
4. The Baseball Hall of Fame’s posthumous induction of Buck O’Neill just underscores how much the Hall of Fame sucks
3. If Barry Bonds ever plays baseball again, he won’t be very good
2. 99% of the people who are watching footage of people running with the bulls are rooting for the bulls to crush as many people as possible
1. New stadium projects are almost always unnecessary at best, and rank corporate theft at worst… and they are aided and abetted by coddling the media in swankier rooms
[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Sports Opinions That You Will Not Hear On Television
The latest Batman movie is quickly becoming the most popular ever in the series. And we see no end in sight. The Batman franchise will live forever and as long as hunky actors are willing to strap on the rubber abs and cod piece then so will the Batman movie empire. But to keep things spicy, here are some suggestions for athletes who could play some of the more notorious villains. After all, we all know how incredible athletes are at acting. Right, Darius?
10. The Scarecrow = Bob Sanders
Like Dr. Jonathon Crane, the 5-7 Sanders isn’t physically imposing at first glance. But both Scarecrow and Sanders are masters of creating fear. Just ask any NFL receiver who try to go over the middle against the Colts.
9. Ichiro = Ra’s al Ghul
After hearing about Ichiro’s profanity laced All-Star Game pep talks, is there any doubt that he’d make a great superhero villain? People also seem to believe the impossible from Ra’s al Ghul, which is kind of similar to how everyone thinks Ichiro could hit a lot homers, you know, if he was into that sort of thing.
8. Poison Ivy = Madonna
Though she’s not technically an athlete, Madonna has been at the center of sports biggest story for the last month. Anyways, we’re pretty sure he could kick Mike Fontenot’s ass, so that’s got to count for something.
7. Catwoman = Camilo Villegas
The picture speaks for itself.
6. Mr. Freeze = Greg Norman
Get it, because Norman `freezes’ up in golf’s biggest moments? Come on, I thought it was creative. Plus, Norman’s wife, former tennis star Chris Evert, is old enough to soon be cryogenically frozen. The similarities are remarkable.
5. The Riddler = Ricky Williams
Much like Edward Nigma, you never know what you’re going to get from Williams. One day he was the NFL’s best tailback, the next he quit the league and forfeited millions so he was free to get cheesy.
4. Bane = Shawne Merriman
Both Bane and Merriman seem to possess other worldly strength, and neither did it naturally. Still, I personally have never seen Bane taken out by Maurice Jones Drew. Advantage: Bane.
3. The Joker = Milton Bradley
The Joker is all about anarchy, and I would imagine Milton Bradley shares the same values. Both Joker and Bradley seem to act on a whim, while destruction surrounds them. Just the way they like it.
2. Two Face = Carlos Boozer
Boozer seemed like a good guy at Duke and in Cleveland, just as Harvey Dent did as Gotham’s DA. But both took a turn for the worst. Say what you will about Dent, but at least he never screwed over a blind man.
1. The Penguin = John Daly
Both are fat slobs that moonlight as heroes of the underground. Both have bad vices: for Daly, it’s Hooters and ciggarettes, for Penguin it’s birds and umbrellas. Maybe the strangest coincidence? Both of these freaks are filthy rich.
[TopTenChicagoSports.com]: Top ten athletes that would make great Batman villains
If we could go to college all over again, you can bet we’d choose Hamilton College in New York. Why? Well, can you name another university that has a varsity streaking team? Didn’t think so.
As if being a rich-ass, supermodel-pulling, fast car-driving sports superstar isn’t already enough; ESPN is showering these multi-millionaires with a grocery cart full of free stuff that would cost the normal person a year’s salary. Oh, and for good measure, they’re going to present them with awards for how great they are just so they don’t feel unwanted. Yup, it’s time to take a look in the ESPY’s SWAG bag and then throw up in it.
Amadeus Spa- Gift Certificate
AlcoMate- Premium Breathalyzer
Amadeo Decada- Custom Hoodie & gift certificate
Ancestry.com- DNA Ancestry Kit & Family Tree Maker 2008 Software
Bedandbreakfast.com- Gift Certificate
Blush Bags- Gift Cards
Bobbi Brown- Sunscreen
Bosch- Gift Cards
Breeders Cup- VIP Experience and transportation plus a 2% stake in a West Point Thoroughbred horse
Campus Quilt- Gift Certificates
Canvasondemand.com- Gift Certificates
Chipotle- Gift Certificates good for a burrito a week FOR A YEAR!
Chumby- A compact device that displays useful and entertaining information from the web- wake up to your internet life!
Deanna Zaccari- Gift Certificate for an exclusive 2-hour personal stylist
DeBrand Chocolates- Chocolate Tower, Classic and Connoisseur Collection and a gift card
Del Sol- Color changing apparel & accessories including Men’s & Women’s Flip Flops
Dirt Devil- Dirt Devil Reaction All-Surface Vacuum Cleaner
Disneyland Tickets- Pairs of Disneyland® Resort 1-Day Park Hopper® Tickets
Disney on Broadway- Pair of tickets to The Little Mermaid, The Lion King and Mary Poppins
EA Sports- 2009 NCAA Football for PS3 and XBOX 360
Econation- 2 hours of chauffered service in a luxury eco-friendly vehicle
Flowershop.com- Gift Certificate
Hasbro Games- Collection of Board Games
Hasbro Toys- Collection of Toys
Hot Rod Putter- Hot Rod Putter head
iGourmet- Gift card
iHome- Portable Speaker System for iPod
Invicta Watches- Russian Diver watches
Ironkey- the world’s most secure flash drive
Johnston & Murphy- J & M leather toiletry sets
L.A. Vie L’Orange- Walk on the Beach Pedicure
LÄRABAR- Gift Certificate
Live Scribe- 1 GB Pulse Smartpen that records and links audio
Marchon Eyewear- Designer sunglasses
Margaritaville® Frozen Concoction Maker- Gift Certificate
Mitchell & Ness- Jackets from Mitchell & Ness
Murad- Wrinkle Reducer
Nimble Fitness- Gift Card for a complimentary fitness package
Oregon Scientific- An ATC Action Camera
Pacific Palms Golf Course- 1 night stay at the resort and 1 complimentary round of golf
Parajumpers- Gift certificate for a Parajumpers “Gobi” jacket
Phyto- Gift certificates
Revolution- Gift certificates
Richard Petty Experience- Make laps inside an authentic 600hp NASCAR style stock car
Rock ‘n’ Roll Fantasy Camp- Admittance into the 2008 Summer Tour of Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp
Rosetta Stone- Gift Certificate
Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse- Gift Certificate
Salt Works Jeans- Gift Certificate
Sea Spa Santa Barbara- Gift Certificate
Shari’s Berries- Gift Certificate
Skin Care for Athletes- Gift Certificate
Smashbox- Gift Set
Sports Club LA- A complimentary 1 year membership
Stress Eraser- FDA-regulated medical device that relaxes he body and calms the mind
Subway- Gift card
The Shave- Gift card
The Standard- 2 night stay at any of their 4 locations
Three Designing Women- Box Sets and an Acrylic Desk Caddy
Timberland- 18″ wheeled duffel suitcase
Trapp Private Garden Candles- Large poured candles and Home fragrance sprays
Under Armour- Large Gym Bag and Sunglasses
Yamaha BodiBeat- Gift Certificate
Yogaworks- Gift Certificate
Zaca Mesa Winerey- 1 bottle of wine and gift certificate
Zirh- Platinum drenched moisturizer
[Awful Announcing]: A Look Inside The ESPY’s Gift Bag
Americans love their sports and, more importantly, they love their sports stars. Of course, we’ll turn our backs on you in a heartbeat if you cross the line between athletic ability and stupidity. In-game stupidity is one thing, but once an athlete starts displaying questionable behavior off the field/court/ice/etc. then it’s usually game over from a fan’s perspective. However, all the inconvenience of hate mail, on-air/in-print rippings from the media, loss of endorsement deals and reverberating boos during work can be avoided if athletes will just avoid breaking any of the Seven Deadly Sins of Sports Celebrity as identified by the fellas over at East Coast Bias.
Any scandal involving even accusations of racism immediately takes on another level of significance. Sportswriters just love any chance to trot out pages of righteous indignation that race is still an issue in America today.
Examples: Jimmy the Greek, Duke Lacrosse, Kelly Tilghman
Anything Involving Figure Skating
For some reason, figure skating scandals are always bigger than they should be. Maybe it’s because there’s not much else going on in the Winter Olympics or maybe the sports media thinks they can attract some female readership. Whatever the reason, figure skating scandals reach epic proportions very quickly.
Examples: Harding-Kerrigan, Canadian Silver Medalists (the French judge)
Old White Men Having Kinky Sex
The idea that old white men (especially the straight-laced ones) might have interesting sex lives is always a big story. It’s hilarious to think that the guy who reads you the scores during the day is dressing up in drag that night.
Examples: Marv Albert, Pat O’Brien, Max Mosely
Gambling scandals bring with them a degree of seediness. When people think of gambling scandals, there’s always intimations that maybe the mob is involved. Gambling also calls into question the integrity of sports, so people take it very seriously.
Examples: Tim Donaghy, Charles Barkley, Pete Rose, Nikolay Davydenko
Cruelty to Animals
This one caught a lot of people off guard when the Mike Vick dog fighting story broke. People assumed that a scandal involving dogs wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Those people were wrong. Americans love their dogs more than their families, and anyone treating animals badly will quickly become a pariah.
Examples: Mike Vick, Vince Young
Anything Involving Feces
Poop makes a scandal way more interesting. Or maybe disgusting. Or just smelly. Whatever it is, if an athlete is involved with a poop scandal, it will haunt him for the rest of his career.
Examples: Najeh Davenport, Osi Umenyiora
Killing Your White or Pregnant Wife
The granddaddy of them all. If you kill your white or pregnant wife, even if you are acquitted, you’re in trouble.
Examples: OJ Simpson, Rae Carruth
Oh, and don’t forget about blasting your limo driver with a shotgun and then attempting to make the death look like a suicide or attempting to frame your murdered player as a drug dealer in order to cover your own ass.
[East Coast Bias]: Seven Deadly Sins of Sports Celebrity