General Sports

John Daly would be perfect as The Penguin. Are you listening, Christopher Nolan?

The latest Batman movie is quickly becoming the most popular ever in the series. And we see no end in sight. The Batman franchise will live forever and as long as hunky actors are willing to strap on the rubber abs and cod piece then so will the Batman movie empire. But to keep things spicy, here are some suggestions for athletes who could play some of the more notorious villains. After all, we all know how incredible athletes are at acting. Right, Darius?

10. The Scarecrow = Bob Sanders
Like Dr. Jonathon Crane, the 5-7 Sanders isn’t physically imposing at first glance. But both Scarecrow and Sanders are masters of creating fear. Just ask any NFL receiver who try to go over the middle against the Colts.

9. Ichiro = Ra’s al Ghul
After hearing about Ichiro’s profanity laced All-Star Game pep talks, is there any doubt that he’d make a great superhero villain? People also seem to believe the impossible from Ra’s al Ghul, which is kind of similar to how everyone thinks Ichiro could hit a lot homers, you know, if he was into that sort of thing.

8. Poison Ivy = Madonna
Though she’s not technically an athlete, Madonna has been at the center of sports biggest story for the last month. Anyways, we’re pretty sure he could kick Mike Fontenot’s ass, so that’s got to count for something.

7. Catwoman = Camilo Villegas
The picture speaks for itself.

6. Mr. Freeze = Greg Norman
Get it, because Norman `freezes’ up in golf’s biggest moments? Come on, I thought it was creative. Plus, Norman’s wife, former tennis star Chris Evert, is old enough to soon be cryogenically frozen. The similarities are remarkable.

5. The Riddler = Ricky Williams
Much like Edward Nigma, you never know what you’re going to get from Williams. One day he was the NFL’s best tailback, the next he quit the league and forfeited millions so he was free to get cheesy.

4. Bane = Shawne Merriman
Both Bane and Merriman seem to possess other worldly strength, and neither did it naturally. Still, I personally have never seen Bane taken out by Maurice Jones Drew. Advantage: Bane.

3. The Joker = Milton Bradley
The Joker is all about anarchy, and I would imagine Milton Bradley shares the same values. Both Joker and Bradley seem to act on a whim, while destruction surrounds them. Just the way they like it.

2. Two Face = Carlos Boozer
Boozer seemed like a good guy at Duke and in Cleveland, just as Harvey Dent did as Gotham’s DA. But both took a turn for the worst. Say what you will about Dent, but at least he never screwed over a blind man.

1. The Penguin = John Daly
Both are fat slobs that moonlight as heroes of the underground. Both have bad vices: for Daly, it’s Hooters and ciggarettes, for Penguin it’s birds and umbrellas. Maybe the strangest coincidence? Both of these freaks are filthy rich.


[]: Top ten athletes that would make great Batman villains

Miami Dolphins

Ricky Williams is somehow nuttier without his marijuana

As if the world doesn’t already have enough quack doctors out there rendering their “services” to the public, now we’ve got to start preparing for Ricky Williams M.D. That’s right, the NFL’s oddest oddball declared in a recent interview that he wants to attend medical school after his playing days are over. Are we sure this dude isn’t still getting blazed?

After football, Williams wants to return to Texas to finish his degree in education. He has a long way to go and needs about 70 credit hours. After graduating, he wants to go to medical school to be an osteopathic physician so he can offer patients a holistic approach to healing.

“When I retired and I had a chance to be by myself outside of being a football player, I found I enjoy helping people and I had a gift for making people feel better,” he said.

Williams said he reads a lot of self-help books, often with metaphysical subjects. But nothing too wild, he said.

“I’m not a UFO guy,” he said.

In a similar story, apparently, Michael Vick has been reading lots of books on politics and plans on running for office once he gets out of prison. Either that or be a vet.


[]: Ricky Williams, M.D.
[]: 10 years later, Williams looks forward

Miami Dolphins

Thanks for the memories Ricky

Ricky Williams’ comeback didn’t last too long. One game, six carries, 15 yards, one fumble and a torn pectoral muscle after he was activated, it was all over. Williams will miss the remainder of the season and spend the next four to six weeks in a sling. Rehab is an additional five months.

The injury occurred in the second quarter of Monday Night Football‘s contest between the Fins and the Steelers when Williams bobbled the ball and in the scramble to recover it, Pittsburgh linebacker Lawrence Timmons stepped on his shoulder. Now, Ricky is a big boy, but Timmons is 234 pounds of beef and when that kinda mass walks on you it’s probably going to do some damage.

Despite the injury, the biggest blow had to be to Williams’ ego. He gave up his comfortable world of marijuana and yoga for this?! The embarrassing retirement, the suspensions, the Argonauts, the random drug tests, the media barrage and all the reticule was just to get put back on the shelf? Oh well, there’s always next year. Wait, it’s Ricky; there’s no telling if he can resist the temptations of life long enough to even be around next year.

Hell, from what we know of Ricky, he probably toked up as soon as he heard the bad news. On the bright side of things, the Dolphins’ date with 0-16 is looking more and more like a reality everyday.


[TSN]: Ricky Williams’ latest comeback lasted one game.
[]: Ricky Williams out for season after just 6 carries

Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins used their heads for 59:43 of MNF; D’oh!

The Dolphins had an opportunity to get their first taste of the win column, but that ol’ fashioned Miami ineptitude shown though when it mattered to keep their chase for history hitting full stride.

The Fins had what we believe was a sober Ricky Williams back and they managed to keep the ill weathered contest knotted up at nothing going into the final minute until Jeff Reed nailed a 24-yarder for the first, last and only score of the game. The only thing uglier than the game was the field, yet somehow, on a rain drenched mess of mud and turf, Ben Roethlisberger was incredibly accurate, going 18-of-21 for 165 yards and keyed the final drive that put Reed into position.

For fantasy fanatics, it was a complete waste of time that probably left you screaming at the television on more than one occasion. Unless you were banking on a shutout to get you a victory then it was a completely barren wasteland at Heinz Field. And if you were banking on a Dolphins shutout then you’re probably sitting in the cellar of your league anyways.

It was the longest scoreless tie since 1943 with Pittsburgh’s lead lasting for only the final 17 seconds of the game and it was the first 3-0 final since 1993. Williams was equally pathetic, rushing six times for 15 yards before getting a shoulder injury in his return.

These Dolphins appear to be on a crash course with destiny after narrowly avoiding that close call. Now, if we can just get Miami to keep this thing rolling for five more games…c’mon baby!


[]: Dolphins drop to 0-11 in Ricky’s return

Denver Broncos

We can already tell that Ricky Williams is going to love Denver

We knew that fans in Denver wanted Ricky Williams and his list of kind bud connections to relocate to the Mile High City should he be reinstated. What we didn’t know was that the stoners activists were willing to get a billboard for the sole purpose of persuading the ex-Longhorn.

It’s simple, it’s catchy, it’s self promoting and, frankly, we think Ricky would be dumb enough to buy in.

It will read: “Ricky, come to Denver … Where the people support your SAFER choice.”

SAFER (Safer Alternative For Enjoyable Recreation), already erected the giant sign (by the way, unless he started taking massive amounts of Rogaine, then Ricky doesn’t have his dreads back yet) and their executive director, Mason Tvert, is all about getting the NFL and the world high on life.

The National Football League’s marijuana policy is just as irrational as our federal government’s marijuana policy,” Tvert said in a statement.

“Why on Earth would the NFL steer some of the biggest, strongest and toughest men in America away from marijuana and toward a drug that contributes to violent and aggressive behavior?

We don’t necessarily agree that these guys should be dangling a loaded bong in front of an addict as he goes swirling around the drain, but, nevertheless, it’ll probably work.


[]: Pro-pot group turns NFL scouts

Miami Dolphins

Jay Feely doesn’t care for Ricky Williams or his kind bud

In a time when many athletes remain tight lipped about how they really feel about league troublemakers, the last person you’d ever expect to speak up is a friggin’ kicker. But Miami Dolphins kicker Jay “Touchy” Feely didn’t hold anything back when someone asked him what he thought about the possible return of Ricky Williams to the team.

No, I want a locker room full of guys who aren’t going to quit on us or fold when it’s tough and take the easy way out,” Feely said.

“You quit with your actions just as well as you quit with your decisions,” Feely said. “You know you’re getting tested and you decide to smoke a joint. That’s quitting on your teammates just as much as walking away from the game.”

“I want a guy I could trust,” Feely said. “I’d rather have a marginally talented player who gives me everything he’s got every day at practice and in the games, than someone with better talent who gives their best effort just on some days.

Of course, Feely also made sure to cover his ass just in case the pothead actually makes it back into the Dolphins’ locker room.

While Cameron has said he won’t discuss Williams’ situation until he is officially reinstated, Feely said Williams is never brought up around the locker room.

“Not at all. I’ve never heard a word about him ever since he failed that test,” Feely said. “But if Cam and [GM Randy Mueller] decide to bring him back, I’d embrace him as a teammate.

Good move Jay; after all, no matter how foolish Ricky might be, he’s still Ricky Williams and you’re still a kicker and he’s still a whole lot bigger than you. Stoned or not; he would whoop your butt.


[]: Jay Feely: `I don’t want Ricky Williams on team’

Miami Dolphins

Oh, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky; will you ever learn?

Ricky Williams was on the verge of making his way back into the NFL but you can go ahead and put an end to that nonsense right now if the latest reports about Ricky are correct. Apparently the former Heismann winner tested positive for the herb back in April. And we’re not talking about excessive amounts of oregano in his system.

Williams was eligible to get reinstated this month but he basically took his shot at returning to league and threw it away for a hit from the bong. Again!

Falling off the wagon is part of rehab,” a source said. “Based on the medical evidence in Ricky’s case, the doctors say it’s too early to come back. He had the positive test last month. Remember, he’s been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder — that’s a real disease and a good percentage of those folks self-medicate with substances like marijuana, often at the moment they are about to have a high level of social interaction.

Listen, we understand that he has a social anxiety disorder and it’s probably tough to cope in the spotlight but this has just gotten to be borderline retardation at this point. No amount of kind bud is worth throwing your NFL career away over or, in Ricky’s current situation, his life away. This guy simply has no willpower to along with the maturity of a sixth grader. Williams needs to take some self help classes to learn to cope with his anxiety without resorting to drugs. That way when he’s feeling intimidated by a situation he can face his fears and resist his urges to lose himself in a purple haze. Either that or he can just start hiding from the world by wearing his helmet during interviews like he did in New Orleans.


[]: Source: Dolphins’ Williams tests positive for pot

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

$12.3 million could change anyone’s mind

Will the real Jake Plummer
please stand up

Jake Plummer recently, suddenly retired from the NFL. He was ready to move on to new and different aspects of reality outside of the sidelines. You can’t blame him for that; players can call it quits whenever they want. But now we’ll really see how badly Plummer wants to be out of the league.

$5.3 million dollars is sitting on the table, just waiting for Plummer to come and scoop up in return for another year of service in the league. If that’s not incentive enough, Jake the Snake faces a Ricky Williams type fight for his cash.

Plummer’s rights were traded to Tampa Bay earlier this month and if decides not to report to camp then there could be a $7 million tussle going on over prorated bonuses that Plummer received. And the task might not be very difficult; the Miami Dolphins took $8 million away from Williams after he abruptly retired to go on a spiritual journey of self enlightenment in Asia. At least Plummer shouldn’t be that difficult to find, but he might cause just as much of a ruckus when it comes to getting him back on the field.

I can’t sit here and discuss anything further,” he said. “But you don’t have to chase me around any more or speculate on what I’m going to be doing. There will not be a jersey that has an NFL patch . . . on my body.

We’ll see about that.



All Other Sports

Odds and Ends: Karma rears its beautiful head

OK, this is the last mention of politics for a long long time, we promise. Representative Jim Leach of Iowa (aka “The Man Who Hated Fun”), sponsor of the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act, was voted out of office yesterday. The anti-gambling act was added onto a bill that was supposed to improve port security and signed into law by President Bush recently. Seriously, if we can’t bet on the Raiders to not score a point on Monday Night Football, then what is the point of watching that game? Screw you, Jim Leach.

In other news…

[SignOnSanDiego]: Two students named Sudeep Paul and Anand Durvasula were arrested for breaking into Heinz Field on suspicion of terrorism… turns out they were making a music video.

[NY Post]: Doc Gooden set to leave prison. Maybe he can participate in MLB’s “Take a convict to school day promotion

[Tiger Woods]: Tiger Woods is boring on his blog too

[Basketbawful]: What are Jerry Buss, Snoop Dog, Paris Hilton and Paul Abdul doing together?

[USA Today]: Miami lineman Pata’s death ruled a homicide

[Miami Herald]: Not so fast, Ricky. Miami still owns your ass.

Miami Dolphins

Odds and Ends for Mon May 29 2006: Ricky joins the Argos

Continuing with our Canadian and Miami theme today, Ricky Williams practiced with his new CFL team, the Toronto Argonauts today. It might be a holiday for those of us in the States but they’re working hard in Canada and so is Ricky Williams. The Canadian Press is reporting that Ricky is in great shape and showed excellent speed. The Argos are only paying him $240,000 CDN… The minimum rookie salary in the NFL is $275,00 US. Poor Ricky. Literally.

In other news…

[ESPN]: RIP Craig “Ironhead” Heyward

[Yahoo]: Radio mic goes dead exactly when Bonds hits 715

[MSNBC]: Beer is good! Fan waiting in line has Bonds #715 ball drop into his hands

[Sports Hooligan]: Iraqi Tennis Coach and Players Killed for Wearing Shorts