General Sports

Avoiding Career-Threatening Scandals For Sports Dummies

Americans love their sports and, more importantly, they love their sports stars. Of course, we’ll turn our backs on you in a heartbeat if you cross the line between athletic ability and stupidity. In-game stupidity is one thing, but once an athlete starts displaying questionable behavior off the field/court/ice/etc. then it’s usually game over from a fan’s perspective. However, all the inconvenience of hate mail, on-air/in-print rippings from the media, loss of endorsement deals and reverberating boos during work can be avoided if athletes will just avoid breaking any of the Seven Deadly Sins of Sports Celebrity as identified by the fellas over at East Coast Bias.

Any scandal involving even accusations of racism immediately takes on another level of significance. Sportswriters just love any chance to trot out pages of righteous indignation that race is still an issue in America today.
Examples: Jimmy the Greek, Duke Lacrosse, Kelly Tilghman

Anything Involving Figure Skating
For some reason, figure skating scandals are always bigger than they should be. Maybe it’s because there’s not much else going on in the Winter Olympics or maybe the sports media thinks they can attract some female readership. Whatever the reason, figure skating scandals reach epic proportions very quickly.
Examples: Harding-Kerrigan, Canadian Silver Medalists (the French judge)

Old White Men Having Kinky Sex
The idea that old white men (especially the straight-laced ones) might have interesting sex lives is always a big story. It’s hilarious to think that the guy who reads you the scores during the day is dressing up in drag that night.
Examples: Marv Albert, Pat O’Brien, Max Mosely

Gambling scandals bring with them a degree of seediness. When people think of gambling scandals, there’s always intimations that maybe the mob is involved. Gambling also calls into question the integrity of sports, so people take it very seriously.
Examples: Tim Donaghy, Charles Barkley, Pete Rose, Nikolay Davydenko

Cruelty to Animals
This one caught a lot of people off guard when the Mike Vick dog fighting story broke. People assumed that a scandal involving dogs wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Those people were wrong. Americans love their dogs more than their families, and anyone treating animals badly will quickly become a pariah.
Examples: Mike Vick, Vince Young

Anything Involving Feces
Poop makes a scandal way more interesting. Or maybe disgusting. Or just smelly. Whatever it is, if an athlete is involved with a poop scandal, it will haunt him for the rest of his career.
Examples: Najeh Davenport, Osi Umenyiora

Killing Your White or Pregnant Wife
The granddaddy of them all. If you kill your white or pregnant wife, even if you are acquitted, you’re in trouble.
Examples: OJ Simpson, Rae Carruth

Oh, and don’t forget about blasting your limo driver with a shotgun and then attempting to make the death look like a suicide or attempting to frame your murdered player as a drug dealer in order to cover your own ass.


[East Coast Bias]: Seven Deadly Sins of Sports Celebrity

New York Yankees

Odds and Ends: "Ball game over! The cake is tainted! Theeeeeeeeeeeeee cake is tainted!"

If you think double-dipping is disgusting then what about finger-dipping? You know, when someone sticks their finger in something, sucks it clean and then walks away. Like Puck and the peanut butter back when The Real World was actually worth watching. Well, according to the New York Post, if you happen to work in the same stadium as Yankees radio announcer John Sterling then you might want to get a vomit bucket ready.

“Sterling has made a habit of walking over to the dessert table and dipping his finger into the ice cream barrel,” one stadium worker told us, adding that the play-by-play vet has also used the same tablespoon to repeatedly take samples. During the Boston series, “He wandered over to the cake and pie section, broke off a piece of a cake slice, ate it and wiped his grimy hands on the linen tablecloth, leaving the remainder of the slice for someone else to eat – which indeed happened,” our spy continued.

Ewwwww. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee won’t even touch those sloppy seconds.

In other news…

[]: Even NFL coaches think Tom Brady is hot catch

[]: Need inspiration to become a MMA superstar? Well, here’s the caliber of chicks you could bang

[]: Its official! Suck on that Seattle!

[]: For once, we agree with Mr. Rainbow Bright

[]: It’s time to play everybody’s favorite game: Legal or Olympic Jailbait!

[The Wall Street Journal]: The NBA mines New Delhi for talent

[]: 16 MMA knockouts in the blink of an eye

[]: A-Rod loves him some strippers

[]: We like big butts and we cannot lie…

[Tirico Suave]: Go, go, Power Plaschke!

And finally, this is why you always, always, always lock up your lightsaber.

NFL General

Odds and Ends: Bill Maher is not a Michael Vick fan

You might not agree with Bill Maher all the time. Heck, you might not ever agree with him, but we certainly have his back on this one. Rolling Stone recruited Maher to put together a list of 2007 Dickheads of the Year and his No. 1 selection was the dog burier Michael Vick.

Stop saying what he did is a cultural thing, just one of those things black folks are known for, like jazz. He’s not one of the Scottsboro boys, he electrocuted dogs.

In other news…

[]: Bicycling’s biggest road hazard

[]: Top 10 Tailgating Schools in the Nation

[The Big Lead]: Who wants to sex Big Brown?

[Lion in Oil]: Tanks from the Twins

[Busted Coverage]: NASCAR beatdown

[Sportsby Brooks]: Sweet Lou shows up in the strangest places

And finally, this is why the best seat to any live wrestling event is on your own couch.

NFL General

Michael Vick brings The Longest Yard to life

Michael Vick has been in prison for a while now and although most people figure No. 7’s professional football career is as dead as a doornail, some team’s who are desperate for a quarterback are praying that Vick will still be serviceable when he gets out of the penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas. And for those people, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank has got some good news.

He is staying in shape,” Blank told The News. “Apparently, there was a prison football team and he played quarterback for both sides.”

“He’s written me a couple of times,” Blank said. “I’ve written him back, he’s stayed in touch.”

“I just try to be supportive and as understanding as I can be,” Blank said. “He talks about the process he is going through and what he has learned, the lessons of life, how he’s going to come out a different person. He’s sorry he has affected so many people in a negative way — the league, our club, our fans. He feels awful about that. The letters sound quite sincere to me. From a mental standpoint, he sounds good.

From a mental standpoint, anytime you’re not personally electrocuting dogs, you’re probably going to sound a little better. But that’s just our hunch. It is a good idea to keep that arm loose though because we all know the Bears will still be struggling at QB when Vick is finally reinstated.


[]: Michael Vick playing prison football

General Sports

The Oscars just aren’t the Oscars without Best Sports Picture

The Oscars dominated the television landscape last night and to be quite honest, we were totally disappointed. Sure, No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood are decent flicks, but not even the “great” Daniel Day-Lewis can compete with the acting prowess of our favorite leading roles in the category of Best Sports Picture:

1) Michael Vick’s 101 Dead Dalmatians;

2) The Graduate: An inspirational masterpiece about the lone basketball player who got his degree under Bob Huggins;

3) The Way We Were: Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens reflect on their lives before their heads grew into pumpkins;

4) Sacks, Lies and Videotape: The Bill BeliCheat Story;

5) Apocalypse Now: What will happen if the Tampa Bay Rays ever finish with a winning record.


[]: These movies deserve some Oscar consideration

Atlanta Falcons

PETA wishes Michael Vick a rape-filled holiday season and a happy new year

If you thought that Shaquille O’Neal was one to hold a grudge, just get a load of PETA. While these people will walk to the ends of the earth for an abused llama, they got no problem trying to humiliate and disgrace anyone who dares anger them. But at least it is in the name of Christmas spirit.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has created a holiday e-card featuring former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who is serving a 23-month federal sentence for a dogfighting conspiracy.

In the card, a cartoon version of Vick paces across a prison yard inside a snow globe as gun-toting guards and their barking dogs keep watch. He’s wearing an orange prison jumpsuit and football helmet and dragging a ball and chain.

When a visitor to PETA’s Web site shakes the snow globe by dragging a mouse, Vick bounces around and crashes against the globe’s dome as a commentator announces, “They got to the quarterback’s blind side there. He never had a chance.”

“We’re having a bit of fun, but prison is no lark and we’re hoping that Michael will use his time behind bars this holiday season to think about goodwill and peace for all,” PETA assistant director Dan Shannon said in a statement Tuesday.

Uh-huh Dan, we’re sure that’s exactly what you’re hoping for Mike.

In addition to Vick, PETA made cards for all the people on their naughty list this year, including “Cold-Blooded Colonel Sanders”, “Hairy-Kate and Trashley: the Olson Twins”, “Pelt Pusher Anna Wintour”, “Fur Hag Kate Moss” and “Hunter Dick Cheney.”

What? No “Why Didn’t You Die Roy Horn” Christmas card?


[MSNBC]: PETA creates holiday e-card featuring Vick

Atlanta Falcons

54 pit bulls win the lottery

Now it is starting to become clear why Michael Vick simply strangled, beat, shot or electrocuted pit bulls that were no longer of service…those mutts have some serious upkeep!

Vick was basically ordered to fork over almost $1 million for the care of the 54 dogs that were seized from his Virginia home several months back. The exact amount Vick set aside for the pooches was a cool $928,073. In case you’re wondering, that’s $17,186.54 per pit bull!

We know that vet bills can be expensive, but damn! Throw in some Kibbles-n-Bits, a few chew toys and we’re talking a couple hundred bucks a year, right? Oh, of course, poker money.


[]: Vick Will Pay $1M For Care Of Seized Dogs

College Football

Texas A&M and Texas Tech are already in game day form

Tuesday was a big day for a Big 12 rivalry. Texas A&M hasn’t defeated Texas Tech in Lubbock since 1993, but that doesn’t mean squat to Aggies running back big, bad Jorvorskie Lane.

We’re going to win in 2007,” Lane said. “That’s a guarantee. I promise you.”

Asked what coach Dennis Franchione – who had already spoken at the weekly press conference – might think of such a bold prediction, Lane shrugged.

“I’m a man,” he said. ” I can say what I want to say.

Obviously somebody has been watching too many Mike Gundy replays, but he has good reason to be jacked up for this game. Not only is head coach Mike Leach wounded, but the guy is talking dual Heisman candidates on the week A&M makes the trip. Oh, yeah, and there are students selling T-shirts with pictures of Michael Vick hanging A&M’s mascot.

The red and black shirts, with text that says “VICK ‘EM” in an apparent reference to the Aggies slogan “Gig ’em,” was created by a Tech student.

Officials say the student was trying to sell them before Saturday’s game in Lubbock.

The back of the shirt shows a football player wearing the number seven Vick jersey holding a rope with an image of the mascot “Reveille” at the end of a noose.

Wow, and we thought LSU’s fans were insensitive.


[]: A&M’s Lane guarantees victory against Tech
[]: Tech bans T-shirts featuring Vick, A&M’s dog mascot

Atlanta Falcons

Michael Vick wants to know if the CliffsNotes for his plea are out yet

To Do: practice, work out, drown pit
bulls, watch film, smoke pot

Remember when Michael Vick publicly apologized in front of the nation for his part in that dogfighting ring that was being run out of his house. Well, it turns out that he walked off and left more behind than simply his freedom, livelihood and dignity. Apparently, he left behind the cheat sheet he needed to remind himself of what he was sorry for.

An employee from the Humane Society of the U.S. actually found Vick’s notes on the podium and they are now being auctioned off on eBay as a means of raising money to help put an end to animal cruelty. Take that Michael! The scrap of paper opened on the virtual market for a measly $20 bucks and has since skyrocketed up over $10,000! Here’s what 10 grand buys nowadays:

According to the eBay ad, Vick allegedly used the following notes to remember key points while making his public apology:

“Apologize for what I’ve done

Apologize comissioner (sic), AB [Falcons owner Arthur Blank], [Bobby] Petrino, ashamed, dissapointed (sic)

Young kids I acted immat.

Forgiveness + understanding

Take full responsibility for my actions

We all make mistakes

I’ve made mistakes in judgment”

Then, jotted into the lower right-hand corner of the paper it says, “Dogs have suffered.

Wait, Vick actually needed to jot down that “dogs have suffered”?!?! What’s worse is that he didn’t even make it a priority; he crammed it in at the last minute in the corner. Isn’t the fact that dogs have suffered the most fundamental reason why he’s in the situation he’s in? We think it’s pretty safe to say that if you have to write notes to yourself that remind you are “ashamed,” “disapointed” (be proud VT) and “take full responsibility for my actions” then you are probably neither ashamed, disappointed nor take full responsibility for your actions.


[]: Vick Apology Notes Worth $10,000 On eBay

Sacramento Kings

Ron Artest wants to be Michael Vick’s Big Brother

You know that your world is going to hell in a hand basket when Ron Artest wants to be the person to help you turn things around. Well, guess what? Michael Vick’s world is already reaching the bubbling depths of eternal fire and despair and, you got it, Ron Ron wants to be the one to pull Vick out and help him better understand that God fella he’s supposedly found overnight.

I want to call him and support him, you know, be there for him,” Artest said. “(He) lied and then came back and apologized to everybody, I felt that was classy. … I was touched that he took full responsibility. I felt that was a real man. I know for a fact he’ll come out a better person.

I think athletes just gotta be more aware,” he said. “At times things happen so fast in your life, you just stay living that same lifestyle. You can’t do it no more. I just hope people can take the mistakes I made, mistakes other people are making and just learn from them.

Listen, Artest, you can’t even learn from your own mistakes, how are you expecting Vick to learn from `em? That’s like asking Mike Tyson to help you through your domestic abuse incident. And that, my friend, would be simply inconceivable.


[]: Role model? Artest wants to help support Vick