General Sports

Finally, somebody besides Skip Bayless says something outlandish

As sports junkies, we get inundated with crazy opinions every single day. Mostly from the moronic panels of First Take and Around the Horn, but even those guys aren’t whacky enough to say what’s on most Americans minds. Nope, if you want to hear the real dirt from the world of sports then you need to turn to Epic Carnival because they’re willing to say the things nobody on TV has the balls to say. Like No. 5, for example.

10. Aaron Rodgers is better than Brett Favre

9. The fact that a WNBA team has hired a 50-year-old player does not say good things about the competitive level of the league

8. If some employer offered you ridiculous money to go to Europe, you’d go too

7. Unless a minor league team is having a brawl, manager meltdown, or topical publicity gag, no one gives a damn about anything they do

6. Mark Cuban has never won anything of consequence, whines like a spoiled child over any loss, and would in no way be perfect for the Cubs

5. Many people in the United States would be happier if Team USA lost in basketball, because they just hate the NBA and/or black people

4. The Baseball Hall of Fame’s posthumous induction of Buck O’Neill just underscores how much the Hall of Fame sucks

3. If Barry Bonds ever plays baseball again, he won’t be very good

2. 99% of the people who are watching footage of people running with the bulls are rooting for the bulls to crush as many people as possible

1. New stadium projects are almost always unnecessary at best, and rank corporate theft at worst… and they are aided and abetted by coddling the media in swankier rooms


[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Sports Opinions That You Will Not Hear On Television


Odds and Ends: No Tiger. No problem.

With Tiger Woods’ season officially coming to a close, the PGA is starting to sweat bullets over losing the game’s biggest draw. So, here’s a list of 10 Thing The PGA Tour Can Do To Increase Attendance, according to The World of Isaac, while Tiger’s getting nursed back to health by Elin.

10. Give John Daly the go ahead to do the 18 challenge (18 Hot Dogs, 18 Beers, and 18 shots, 18 Holes)

9. Give Natalie Gulbis an honorary PGA membership for the Summer.

8. Fans get free copies of the next hottest Calendar: The Women of the PGA tour

7. Make Phil Mickelson wear “The Bro” outside his shirt (Big Endorsement)

6. Randomly choose one golfer to get Nancy Kerrigan’d every week and make him limp around the course. Hey, the drama worked for Tiger?

5. Make worse than a bogey=Keg Stand at the next hole

4. If somebody screams “Get in the Hole” and it doesn’t go in, make that fan strip naked and run for his life

3. Have a Tim Finchem Dunk Tank at the turn

2. Bring back some old cranky dudes from the Senior tour. Let them go at it from the ladies tee, let them ride carts, let them foot wedge it out of the rough

1. KY Jelly and Mud Wrestling in every available Pond

In other news…

[The Sports Muffin]: Meet Pat Venditte, he’s amphibious

[The Recliner GM]: The Best and Worst of the NBA Draft

[Irish Band of Brothers]: Get ready for more crappy Notre Dame football on NBC

[The Cuban Revolution]: Mark ain’t the only Cuban who can blog

[Clubhouse Cancer]: Glen Davis is enjoying his championship reign

[]: Doug Christie’s wife allows Doug Christie to do a radio interview

[]: Bull Durham gets a facelift

[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: “In a way, that I hoped I shoved it up to somebody’s butt”

[YouTube]: Lacrosse cheerleader takes one for the team

[]: According to Jason Kidd, the Chuckster isn’t gambling

And finally, it worked for Eminem and Dido, so why can’t it work for Ron Artest and Alicia Keys?

Ron Artest raps over Alicia Keys

College Basketball

Odds and Ends: Forget 2008, 2009 March Madness is upon us

We don’t even have one game of this year’s tournament under our belts yet and already the NCAA is about to start accepting application for the 2009 Final Four in Detroit. Of course, when tickets are as hot as Final Four tickets are you need to get on the ball early. You know what they say; the early bird catches all the early bird specials.

The cheapest tickets will cost $150, which is a bargain: Tickets to next month’s games in San Antonio are selling online for $2,500 or more.

In other news…

[]: It’s an ass whooping no matter what language it’s in.

[The 700 Level]: Phillies have “Bring Your Marmoset Monkeys To Work Day.”

[Balls Deep Sports]: Don’t worry, Terry Bradshaw remains zany after the football season is over.

[]: Charles Barkley can relate to Allen Iverson’s return to Philadelphia.

[The Big Lead]: Mark Cuban, Now Directing Hatred at MMA Writers.

[Golf Spelled Backwards*]: So funny we forgot to laugh.

[]: Terrelle Pryor is not for hire anymore. Sorry Big Blue.

[]: Shocking Brett Favre news out of Green Bay. He’s planning to return to Lambeau…sorta.


Floyd Mayweather is favored in big showdown. Oh, and he’s got a fight coming up too.

There are several sports related people participating in this season’s Dancing with the Stars, which kicks off on Monday, but only one of them has a 38-0 record against some of the toughest men on the planet: Mr. Floyd Mayweather. While boxing fans know all about the size and strength of Mayweather’s mouth, on Monday he gave his newly acquired ABC fan base a glimpse of how he rolls when he delivered a soft verbal right cross to WBC welterweight title contender Ricky Hatton.

The local boxer has talked some trash, reportedly labeling his opponent “Vicky Fatten.”

Mayweather said in a news conference Monday at Los Angeles: “Ricky Hatton’s cool for what he does, but fighting Floyd Mayweather is a totally different level. I’m at the pinnacle of my career — this is the creme-de-la-creme.”

Hatton countered by making fun of Mayweather: “He’s currently doing the show ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and that’s how he’s boxing. Floyd always backs up. That’s the woman part.

Not bad guys, but we’re going to have to ask you to step up your game before you December 8th showdown. Calling each other little girls just ain’t gonna cut it. In fact, until you guys get a little more creative, we’re going to be focusing our attention on the big show and try to make some sweet jack with “Mr. Las Vegas” at 8-to-1. Seriously, the odds are out.

According to

Melanie Brown 4-1
Floyd Mayweather 5-1
Sabrina Bryan 11-2
Josie Maran 6-1
Cameron Mathison 7-1
Helio Castroneves 15-2
Jennie Garth 8-1
Wayne Newton 8-1
Albert Reed 10-1
Jane Seymour 12-1
Marie Osmond 12-1
Mark Cuban 15-1

Geez, we never would have guessed that Cubes would be the biggest underdog.


[]: Mocked by opponent for being `a woman,’ boxer Floyd Mayweather a favorite to win `Dancing with the Stars’

Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban is slapping on his dancin’ shoes

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has done some crazy things in his day. In fact, it’s getting kinda difficult to determine exactly what has been the low-light (if there is such a thing for a billionaire) of his career so far. There were all those times he ran onto the court during games, and there was that time he started dispensing Blizzards at Dairy Queen. But, to us, the image that is seared into our brains is Cuban crying like baby when he presented Dirk Nowitzki with the MVP trophy. Luckily, Cubes is reclaiming his manhood and dignity with his latest project.

Just like so many twinkle toes before him, Cuban is set to be a contestant on the wildly popular Dancing With the Stars! We’d really, really love to bust Cuban’s balls over this move, but actually we can’t complain because until now we’ve never cared to watch the stupid show. Anyways, when the show kicks off its latest season on September 24, then we’ll have all the ammo we need to completely annihilate him. Call us crazy, but we’re guessing that Cuban makes Kenny Mayne look like Baryshnikov.


[]: Cuban joins next cast of Dancing With The Stars

Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban proves he’s a moron…again

We all knew that Mark Cuban was a big brat from the first day he bought the Mavericks. We learned that he was a big baby when he started all his courtside shenanigans shortly after. We found out that he had a huge man crush on his German superstar when Dirk Nowitzki won the MVP award. Now, we know that he’s a sore loser and poor sport as well.

Cuban is suing Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson because he is claiming that Nellie had “confidential information and he (Cuban) wants to enjoin Don from coaching the Mavericks” when his No. 8 eight seed club knocked off the top team in the league during the first round of this year’s playoffs. This is according to John O’Connor who is Nelson’s attorney.

Apparently, Cuban has verified that he has filed “claims” against the former Mavs coach, but he also admitted that he is “not sure how we are handling them” and then offered the classic “no comment” line when asked in person about the matter.

There is no basis in our view,” O’Connor said. “I suppose he [Nelson] knows [Dirk] Nowitzki likes to go right instead of left, but normally that’s not a trade secret.

Basically, Cubes is saying that it’s just not fair for departed coaches to play against their former teams. Guess the Lakers can’t play the Bulls while Phil Jackson is still in La-La Land. And we might as well put aside any scheduled games between Rick Adelman’s Rockets and the Kings or Blazers. But what if Larry Brown ever decides to return to NBA? His new club will have to shorten their season by about 60 games to avoid matching up with all of his old teams!

We know that this is a little different because of the short time span between Nelson’s two tenures, but Cuban’s coach, Avery Johnson, spent a lot of years learning the tricks of the trade from the Spurs Gregg Popovich before heading to Big D. Does this mean that San Antonio can sue the Little General for knocking the Spurs out of the 2006 playoffs in a Game 7 thriller?

This B.S. move by Cuban is simply an attempt to continue to his “thorn in the side” mentality against Nelson. The two have had contractual arguments since Nellie split town a few years back and Dallas’ first round fiasco did little to help mend their tattered relationship. We know that Cuban is an incredible businessman, but this is basically the equivalent of an old lady suing McDonald’s because her coffee was hot. Hopefully, this case won’t have the same bogus results.


[]: Is Mavs owner now crying foul?

General Sports

Odds and Ends: $20 says he eats it

Chris Berman has ruined basically everything good about sports and specifically football with his fat face and his ridiculous anchor work (just think “well dressed Amani Toomer” and “whoop whoop whooop”). So while this story may or may not be true, we’re going to go ahead and assume that it is and spread it around.

So here I am staring at this guy, feeling a little weird about it and it happens. This guy, Chris Berman takes his finger and shoves it as far up his nose as he can get it!! (LOL, I am laughing and typing this at the sametime) WTF..I think, maybe the booger is really bothering him. The only problem was, THE MAN DIDN’T STOP THERE.

He picked his nose none (sic) stop and in-between picks you would think he would have wiped them on a tissue, his shirt, hell, the back of the seat in front of him! But no, this man proceeded to pop each booger in his..umm..yup you got it…MOUTH. These weren’t average sized boogers either, my husband to this day refers to them as Earthworms!! Same color, shape everything. HOW GROSS!!

Does this surprise anyone? (Via Sports By Brooks)

In other news…

[Orlando Sentinel]: MLB wants to charge fantasy sites for using players’ names

[Sportsline]: Former NFL DL charged with bank fraud

[]: Brett Myers, former wife beater, is rehabbing his image while on rehab

[Our Book of Scrap]: Ghetto Tranny Fight Club?

[Bright Side of the Sun]: Suns fans just a little bitter about the Spurs dynasty

[Steroid Nation]: TMI, Cuban, TMI

NBA General

Around the Rim: Another ESPN Instant Classic was just born

And this was the scene before the game.

1. Phoenix gets burned in the Valley of the Sun
Game 5 between the Spurs and the Suns was a tale of two halves. The first half saw Shawn Marion light up the jumbotron with 20 points and 11 rebounds en route to an 11 point lead at the break as San Antonio was a nonexistent 0-of-7 from behind the arc. Fast forward past the Frisbee catching dog or whatever ridiculous half time gimmick the Suns front office pulled out of the hat for this game and in the second half, the Spurs were a very existent 8-of-16 from three land as Marion could only score four points and grab six boards over the final 12 minutes. Algebra 101 taught us that if you add those two halves together you get an 88-85 San Antonio victory, which is equal to one whole win for the guys in black; giving the Spurs a grand total of a 3-2 lead in the series. And you thought we slept our way through high school. The Suns fought a heck of a fight without their All-NBA first teamer Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw but Manu Ginobili played terrific down the stretch, minus a few unforgivable turnovers, while Bruce Bowen and Michael Finley hit several ginormous shots. Throw in the usual 20 point, 10 rebound, 3 block (21, 12 and 5 to be exact) game from Tim Duncan and the incredibly unyielding NBA rulebook and it all simply added up to odds that Phoenix just couldn’t overcome.

2. Like nats, the Nets just won’t go away

There must be something in the water over in the Eastern Conference because the Nets, like the Bulls, keep finding a way to avoid elimination and keep their postseason hopes alive. Perhaps they’re using the Vitamin Water that failed to get Tracy McGrady out of the first round but allowed him to perform one of the sweetest sheep tosses ever caught on camera. Now, Game 5 between the Nets and Cavs was nowhere near being as interesting as the Highland Games, but how could it when the final score was 83-72 and the Nets won despite scoring just six points in the final quarter on 1-of-15 shooting. Still, what the game lacked in excitement, it certainly made up for in importance as the Nets are now within one game, 3-2, of Cleveland with the series headed back to Jersey for Game 6. Whatever the mystery substance might be that New Jersey is chuggin’, they certainly didn’t share any of it with LeBron James. His royal highness finished the game with just 20 points as he missed nine of his 14 field goal attempts. Thank goodness for free throws.

3. Whoa No Nellie!
He’s only been back behind the clipboard for a year now, but Don Nelson could be done with the Golden State franchise that he rapidly resurrected into the feel-good story of the year. Well, at least until they got eliminated by the Jazz they were. And forget about all their poor sportsmanship that resulted in tons o’ techs and flagrant fouls. But, other than that, totally a feel-good story. Still, Nellie might not be ready to write another chapter in this book because, as he says, he’s “not so sure it’s important that I stay on.” C’mon, Nelson, stop being modest. This team would be on the fast track to a Jailblazers-esque reputation without the Don around to keep this fast paced squad in check, both on and off the court. Talk about a fork in the road! Golden State could grow into a Western Conference contender with Nelson at the helm or they can take their old position alongside the Clippers, Hawks and Bobcats of the league with some other ham-fisted, poor excuse of a coach. Fans of The City better hope Nellie feels like his body can take another yearlong beatdown or they can forget about using those yellow “We Believe” shirts for anything other than wearing to the gym.

Wednesday’s Player of the Day: Shawn Marion vs. San Antonio 46 min, 24 pts (FG: 9-16, 3FG: 2-4, FT: 4-4), 17 reb, 1 ast, 1 stl, 1 blk

Buzzer Beater: Mark Cuban is one of the most annoying, childish and arrogant human beings to ever walk the face of the earth. Oh, and he cries like a baby too! Having said that, he also makes some pretty solid points from time to time. After all, he didn’t become a billionaire by being an idiot. So, as much as it pains us to agree with this jackass, here’s an excerpt of what Cubes had to say about the Spurs/Suns suspensions in his blog.

First, let me go on the record as saying that in the event that a vote comes up to change the rules about suspensions for players leaving the bench, I will vote against changing it.

Why ? Because its incredibly simple to educate players about the rule. Its a rule they fully understand and they understand the consequences of violating the rule. That makes the NBA stronger because it removes uncertainty. Can it result in a game(s) being impacted , yes. However, that impact results from an action a player knew violated the rules and was a mistake. There is no uncertainty about it. All they had to do was not leave the bench.

Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban turns into a sniveling little girl when it comes to his MVP

Today was supposed to be Dirk Nowitzki’s big day as he received the franchise’s first ever MVP award from David Stern. But, then again, this was supposed to be happening during the pregame festivities of a playoff game and not from inside a conference room in Dallas. So, what should have been a celebration for the Mavericks organization felt an awful lot like a funeral. Here’s Mark Cuban delivering the eulogy.

Geez, Mark; guess it’s pretty tough to see your little boy all grown up, ain’t it? We haven’t seen a sadder owner since Roy Jackson had to put Barbaro down. And while the clip ends a bit prematurely, in typical Maverick style for the year, there was an incredibly awkward hug between the owner and his star after Cubes left the podium. In fact, Cuban looked like he was going to melt away into Dirk’s giant arms. We’re actually pretty surprised that Mark didn’t go for the double-underhook hug on his man crush. But wipe away those tears, baby boy, and turn that frown upside down; you’re starting to make Andrei Kirilenko, Dick Vermeil and Emmitt Smith feel a bit uncomfortable.

NBA General

Around the Rim: Welcome to the neighborhood

1. San Antonio just got bucked
Last night was one of the greatest games that Coach K has ever been a part of. No, not the Coach K that choked away Duke’s first round game of the big dance for the first time since 1996. We’re talking about coach Larry Krystkowiak who snapped San Antonio’s 13 game winning streak in his first game as head coach of the Milwaukee Bucks after Terry Stotts was fired on Wednesday. Well, a little credit has to go to Michael Redd who chipped in 29 points, five rebounds and five assists in the upset. Stotts was even able to make Andrew Bogut keep his fingers to himself. The win is nice but when a team has only won nine of their last 36 games, there’s really nowhere to go but up.

2. Miami’s heat check

Dallas’ 17 game winning streak is long gone and has since been replaced with a two game losing streak, and San Antonio had their 13 game win streak snapped by the Bucks last night which leaves Miami as the possessor of the league’s longest consecutive string of victories. The Heat were supposed to struggle without their superstar point guard in the lineup. But instead of flaming out (insert your own John Amaechi reference here), Miami has been torching opponents and have slowly worked their way up the playoff ladder in the East. With a win over Sacramento tomorrow, the Heat can grab the lead in their division via a 2-1 head-to-head tiebreaker with Washington and vault all the way from their current seed (sixth) to either third or fourth in the Eastern Conference.

3. Say cheese!
Scot Pollard took a brief moment during a 20 second timeout in the midst of Cleveland’s decimation of Indiana on Sunday to let the world in on his personal message to the future of America. As a camera passed, Pollard moved into frame and said, “Hey kids, do drugs.” There’s been no confirmation on if Pollard was actually inebriated at the time of the remarks but we’re guessing he probably had a nice buzz going. The white Dennis Rodman minus the skills has since apologized and said the comment was a “bad joke.” But we really know that the guy with the dyed locks, funny hairdos and ridiculous facial hair is the most comical punch line.

In other camera related news, the last time Mark Cuban was seen he was shoving a camera after storming across the court following the Mavs double overtime heartbreaker to the Suns. So far, the league has not come down on Cubes for the incident but you know that David Stern is frantically thumbing through all the latest manuals on rules, regulations, policies and procedures just scanning for a fine or suspension to slap on the league’s most annoying owner.

Thursday’s Player of the Day: Kobe Bryant @ Denver 38 min, 25 pts (FG: 9-19, 3FG: 0-5, FT: 7-8), 5 reb, 9 ast

Friday’s Game to Watch: Detroit (41-22) @ Phoenix (50-14) This could be a preview of the championship series later this year. The Suns are hotter than they have been all year after pulling out the biggest game of the season against Dallas earlier in the week and the euphoria from such an epic contest could be the momentum that sends Phoenix off on another long win streak. But the Pistons will be no pushover as they hold an impressive 22-10 record away from Detroit. The Pistons have so many people who can step up when it counts and now Chris Webber has become a valuable offensive contributor to the cohesive unit. But it will take a trademark Detroit defensive effort to shut down the trio of Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and Shawn Marion.

Buzzer Beater: You have to believe in yourself in order to achieve your goals and nobody personifies this idea better than Shawn Marion. After the double overtime instant classic against Dallas on Wednesday, Marion was more than happy to share his opinion about his performance. “I think I should be the defensive player of the year,” he said. “I’m going to do my own publicity.” At least he’ll be endorsing a quality candidate. Marion guards everyone from Kobe Bryant to Kevin Garnett and averages two blocks and two steals to go along with 10 rebounds. But just so there’s no confusion, Marion is more than willing to clarify his stance on the matter. “Defensive player of the year, hands down,” Marion said of himself.