Move over, Lazy Sunday. Get lost, Lazy Scranton. Step aside, Duke Fan Stan, because we’ve got a rap that will make you forget all about those funky rhymes while simultaneously reminding you to never, ever draft a quarterback in the first round.
Ron Artest does it horribly. Kobe Bryant does it girly. Tony Parker does it unintelligibly. And Shaquille O’Neal does it hilariously. Yup, we’re talking about rapping and the NBA players who love to attempt it. Like anything and everything else the pros do, up-n-comers of the game want to be exact replicas of their favorite stars. Take Tennessee recruit Bobby Maze for example. He obviously idolizes this NBA rap superstar.
[Sports Crunch]: Tennessee Recruit Bobby Maze Tries to Rap
New York Giants defensive end and reigning Super Bowl champion Osi Umenyiora made a guest appearance on Mike and Mike in the Morning, hosted by a guy named neither Mike nor Mike, and after a little prodding busted out with one of the weakest freestyle raps ever, choosing to aim his venom at the NFL’s resident hottie (so we’re told).
Somewhere out there, Max & Sam are taking some serious notes on how to improve their game. Well, Max is.
By this point, we’ve all heard Shaq utter the words “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes,” at least 5,000 times and, frankly, we’re still not tired of the freestyle. However, we are somewhat disappointed that Kobe hasn’t fired back at the Diesel. After all, let’s not forget that K.B. is a rapper himself…sorta. But he’s also a very, very busy man with the Olympics rapidly approaching; luckily, Russ Bengtson of SlamOnline.com wrote some mad retaliatory rhymes so Bryant could concentrate on bringing the gold home from Beijing. Mr. Bengtson, you are a patriot and poet indeed.
Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns
Sure-thing rings lost to Wallaces and Olajuwons
You’re a true, what? You’re a true blue pr*ck
On the outside you’re happy, on the inside you’re sick
Oh, my bad, I forgot, that’s just part of your schtick
Admit it, you just mad `cause your career’s almost over
You’re a black hole while I’m still supernova
And while we’re on the topic of being a star
I’ll be in Phoenix in February–can I borrow your car?
Since I’ll be in the game, I won’t drive it too far
I remember when you had the Reebok Shaqnosis
Now you’re working on a coronary thrombosis
I live in the gym, you’ve got a body by Hostess
Nike makes me shoes and spots, I jump cars for fun
Tell you what, I’d rather hang with Jackass than be one
You claim to be a player, but I f*cked your wife
Yeah, that’s just jokes, but–haha–I f*cked your life
Wanna go after me for your problems, nah, that’s all on you
And those big alimony checks–those are all on you too
Watch Shaunie stack those chips while you get blue
And what’s this I hear about how you went after Kareem?
You’ll never be like him, he was part of a team
Forget about Cap, were you even better than Dream?
Please explain the MDE with one MVP?
That’s like calling yourself a forest when you’re only one tree
Russ had five, Wilt had four, even Moses had three
As for the rings, yeah, you wound up with four
But the Most Dominant Ever should really have more
You weren’t the most feared to ever step on the floor
Those three titles we won, yeah, I couldn’t have done it without you
At least I can admit it, how `bout you, Shaq-Fu?
It’s always all about you–the big center of attention
But you ain’t notorious, never had that dimension
Coulda stayed in L.A. but you had to have that extension
You can score in the paint, can’t get it done at the line
Say “I hit `em when it matters” and everything’s fine?
Those ugly-ass bricks don’t take from your shine?
Nah, I guess not, but while it may not hurt your fame
It’s something to consider when you’re benched at the end of the game
And now new guys are coming through to rip that S off your arm
Bad enough you lost your game, now you even lost your charm
What ever happened to you, when did you get so bitter?
Used to be a champion, now you’re a quitter
Could have done more in Miami if you only got fitter
If you couldn’t take the fire, should have stayed out the Heat
You’re so out of shape you can barely THINK on your feet
And they even took your badges, that I’m sorry to hear
Because at least then you might have had another career
Call yourself a cop? You’re nothin’ but a pig
And rhyme all you want, you can never be Big
I’m a Laker for life, you’re just another man on a journey
In fact, don’t ever speak to me, just call my attorney
Keep playing with fire, you ain’t gonna burn me
You think you can spit? Like those six Grammies mattered?
You never were sh*t, but I’m glad you were flattered
You never really could rhyme, got carried by many
Kind of like how it worked with Dwyane, Kobe and Penny
People only rhymed on your records because they knew you had money
You think they laughed at your jokes `cause they thought you were funny?
Always thought you was Vito when you’re really a Sonny
As for your movies, they laughed WITH you, as far as you know
But maybe you should go back to school, like Neon Boudeaux
And hey, my coach came back, unlike Mike D’Antoni
He chose the KNICKS over you, you big f*cking phony
You think you a horse, but you barely a pony
I’ll be in Beijing this summer, going for gold
You could be too, if you weren’t so old
Face it, you mad, that’s why you came at me first
If I show you my trophy, will it slake your MVP thirst?
I got to stay home, you got displaced.
As years go by, your memories erased.
What was that, Diesel? How does your ass taste?
Shouldn’t you know? You’re the one sh*tfaced
[SlamOnline.com]: Pop Goes The Diesel
The video of Shaquille O’Neal asking Kobe Bryant to describe the flavor of his ass has become an internet sensation and the hot topic of the sports world. And as classic as the clip is, there is always room for improvement. So, here’s the Fat Jewish Guy‘s remix. Enjoy.
Everyone and their momma knew Shaquille O’Neal was wetting himself in glee after the Boston Celtics disposed of the Los Angeles Lakers in the Finals last week. However, we actually hoped Shaq was going to take the high road on this one, choosing not to remind Kobe that he couldn’t win the big one without the Big Aristotle. Of course, that would mean Shaq doesn’t hold grudges and we all know that isn’t true. So, in reality, it was only a matter of time before O’Neal let loose on his former teammate, but we never expected it to come in the form of freestyle.
Mean spirited or playful banter? You be the judge. The only thing we know for certain is that the phrase “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes” has officially become the most hilarious seven words ever uttered in the world of sports.
With Tiger Woods’ season officially coming to a close, the PGA is starting to sweat bullets over losing the game’s biggest draw. So, here’s a list of 10 Thing The PGA Tour Can Do To Increase Attendance, according to The World of Isaac, while Tiger’s getting nursed back to health by Elin.
10. Give John Daly the go ahead to do the 18 challenge (18 Hot Dogs, 18 Beers, and 18 shots, 18 Holes)
9. Give Natalie Gulbis an honorary PGA membership for the Summer.
8. Fans get free copies of the next hottest Calendar: The Women of the PGA tour
7. Make Phil Mickelson wear “The Bro” outside his shirt (Big Endorsement)
6. Randomly choose one golfer to get Nancy Kerrigan’d every week and make him limp around the course. Hey, the drama worked for Tiger?
5. Make worse than a bogey=Keg Stand at the next hole
4. If somebody screams “Get in the Hole” and it doesn’t go in, make that fan strip naked and run for his life
3. Have a Tim Finchem Dunk Tank at the turn
2. Bring back some old cranky dudes from the Senior tour. Let them go at it from the ladies tee, let them ride carts, let them foot wedge it out of the rough
1. KY Jelly and Mud Wrestling in every available Pond
In other news…
[The Sports Muffin]: Meet Pat Venditte, he’s amphibious
[The Recliner GM]: The Best and Worst of the NBA Draft
[Irish Band of Brothers]: Get ready for more crappy Notre Dame football on NBC
[The Cuban Revolution]: Mark ain’t the only Cuban who can blog
[Clubhouse Cancer]: Glen Davis is enjoying his championship reign
[850TheBuzz.com]: Doug Christie’s wife allows Doug Christie to do a radio interview
[Flatusyahu.com]: Bull Durham gets a facelift
[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: “In a way, that I hoped I shoved it up to somebody’s butt”
[YouTube]: Lacrosse cheerleader takes one for the team
[PartMule.com]: According to Jason Kidd, the Chuckster isn’t gambling
And finally, it worked for Eminem and Dido, so why can’t it work for Ron Artest and Alicia Keys?
Remember back when Max Kellerman was rapping about boxing and Muhammad Ali and we totally ripped on him? Well, turns out that Max & Sam had some pretty sick mic skills; in comparison that is.
We all know that Snoop D-O-double-G is about the purple and gold and this season he’s got a whole lot to be happy about. Kobe Bryant is the MVP, Pau Gasol is turning out to be the best pickup since Kevin Garnett went to Beantown and the Western Conference Finals are within reach for the first time since 2004. But why are we telling what Snoopy has to be thankful for? We’ll let him do that himself since he’s dedicated an entire rap to the Lakers latest postseason campaign.
Who would have ever predicted in a million years that Jordan Farmar would be getting shout-outs from the Doggfather in a song! Probably the same people who picked Atlanta would push Boston to the brink.
[Sportaphile.com]: Snoop Dogg & Kurupt Record “L.A. Lakers Theme” For 2008 Playoffs
We always knew Max Kellerman was a loser, but we never knew he was a rapper. Yup, after Vanilla Ice and before Eminem there was Max & Sam, a pair of brothers who busted beats `bout boxing Ah, yes; rumble, young Max, rumble.
[FanIQ.com]: Max Kellerman Was A Rapper? Unfortunately, yes.