Categories
Fantasy Football

10 tremendous themes for your fantasy football team name

Fantasy football is right around the corner, so, by now, you should have already come up with a clever name for your squad because we all know that the picking the right name is half the battle. After all, have you ever seen a squad called the Hawks or Team Smith actually win a fantasy Super Bowl? Of course not! So, if your team is still nameless then here are some tips to help pin down that all important moniker and strike fear into the hearts of your opponents.

10. Hetero double entendres. Kind of a frat boy thing, but this can work if you find a particularly repulsive slang term (UrbanDictionary.com is your friend), or you can tie it into some regrettable instance from a league mate’s past. Can you win a league with the team from spite? Of course you can.

Samples (and they should all fit in the character Yahoo limit): My Johnson Is A Tank, Snake Stabler Sneaks, Fourth and Very Long

9. Off-field scandal. Another obvious play, especially if you go for something topical. Trust me, fifteen million meatheads are going to use their team name this year to reference Fat Ced Benson, to the point where he’s going to be the best known player in the CFL in two years. If you are going here, I’d go for something with historical stopping power, but if you’re a Bears fan, I can understand the need for Ceed. At least be quick about it, so the other guy in the league who wants to go there will look like a tool, rather than you.

Sample: Driving Miss Benson, Carruth’s Comebacks, Leinart’s Beer Bongs

8. Homo eroticism. A bit more confident, but still kind of a meathead staple. Much more permissible when used in conjunction with a personal attack on a fellow owner, especially if that owner gets a little too angry at the jibe. Where there’s smoke…

Samples: Offensive Holding, Tight End Blockers, Very Wide Receivers, Ocho Homos

7. Scatological. Najeh Davenport is the gift that keeps on giving here, with a contribution to fantasy football that will be around long after he’s dead and gone. For extra originality points, try using a non-common term for the deed. This one also works if your team is something you always want to flush at mid-season.

Samples: 3 Hour Groaners, Romeo’s Brown Eggs, Najeh’s Feedback, Duce Staleys, Rich Kotites

6. Crime. Football team names are supposed to be aggro, so let the USFL (Invaders — wow, maybe that needs to go in category eight) and XFL (Hitmen) be your guide to Thug Life. (Please keep in mind though, 2Pac, that you are engaging in Dungeons and Dragons for football fans here, before you get too serious about your street cred.)

Samples: Jersey Wet Workers, The Hired Goons, Ninjas & More Ninjas

5. Cultural References. A very sound choice if you are in a 100% redraft league, and convenient for time-stressed feedback. Why develop your own voice, when you can just crib from people who are more clever than you? By the mid-season mark, everyone will be sick to death of it, but that adds valuable Heel Points for enraging your victims. (Yes, I have gone here. Many, many times.)

Samples: There Will Be Blood, Grand Theft Football, Mean Machine

4. Non Sequiturs. To befuddle your opponents into thinking that you are either an idiot man-child who can be suckered into deals, or to just make owners that you don’t know give you a wide berth, let the Dada art and poetry movements be your guide. Bonus points if your team name is vaguely unsettling or unseemly.

Samples: Mustache Fish Riders, Fruit Transmissions, Angry When Angered

3. Nerdgasms. Take your lead from one of my heroes, Stephen Colbert, and just *own* your nerding by making fun of yourself first. That way, everyone else will seem like they got to the party late, and you’ll seem like a better guy than you are when it comes to making trades. Besides, look at who makes all the money now, and didn’t just inherit it. What do you got? NERDS!

Samples: +4 Vorpal Quarterback, Third Life Warriors, Klingon Air Power

2. Pejoratives. If you are like me, well, you really should get that checked. You also hate your team as soon as you are done drafting it, or if and when they ever lose. About the only thing you can be sure about in playing this game is that the capacity for self-abuse is endless, whether it comes from benching the wrong players to making the wrong pick or getting buggered in a trade to being too slow for the hot free agent pickup… well, I’ll just stop here before I start punching myself. So why not make your team reflect your true nature?

Samples: Toilet Dwellers, Freaking Losers, Very Special Teams, Douchebags R Us

1. Meta comedy. When all else fails, just call your team something sad and generic, especially if it has nothing to do with your actual rooting interest. This one works well if everyone else in the league has nerded up and gone over the top with their names, and can’t be beat for the sheer time savings. The only down side is that, well, I’ve never seen a team win with this strategy, and dry humor doesn’t always translate into written speech.

Samples: Cardinals, Football Team, Wildcats, Lines Of Numbers

Links:

[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Fantasy Football Naming Conventions

Categories
Fantasy Football

Lose Yourself’s got nothing on this fantasy freestyle

Move over, Lazy Sunday. Get lost, Lazy Scranton. Step aside, Duke Fan Stan, because we’ve got a rap that will make you forget all about those funky rhymes while simultaneously reminding you to never, ever draft a quarterback in the first round.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.
Categories
Fantasy Football

Everyone thinks they can win, that’s why it’s fantasy football


For all of the hours of late night studying, countless mock drafts, finger-number stat surfing and spousal neglect you put yourself through during the months leading up to and through the fantasy football season, odds are, you have absolutely nothing to show for it. As we all know from painful seasons past, there can be only one champion per year and the rest of the league is just a bunch of envious losers. So, just accept your fate now because Epic Carnival already has the Top 10 Reasons Why You Won’t Win Your Fantasy Football League.

10. Overpreparation.
9. Underpreparation.
8. Karma.
7. Draft position.

6. Fear.
5. Inebriation.

4. Endurance.
3. Homerism.
2. Callousness.
1. Idiocy.

So, pull out of those 15 leagues you’re in right now because you don’t have a chance in hell. Or at the very least, be ready to get a lot of shirt pointing from the lucky rookie of your league who manages to run the table.

Links:

[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Reasons Why You Won’t Win Your Fantasy Football League

Categories
Fantasy Football

Odds and Ends: Fodder for fantasy football fires


Remember back in the good ol’ days when running backs where the most important position in the fantasy football universe. Well, thanks to the two-back system sensation that is sweeping the NFL nation, those days appear to be over; at least, according to WhatIfSports.com. They released their 08 season predicitions this week and the QBs are defiantly the dominant species with seven in the top 10 and 10 appearing in the top 15. Here’s their breakdown of the top 10 scorers overall.

1. Tom Brady, QB, Patriots
2. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
3. Tony Romo, QB, Cowboys
4. LaDanian Tomlinson, RB, Chargers
5. Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles
6. Drew Brees, QB, Saints
7. Derek Anderson, QB, Browns
8. Carson Palmer, QB, Bengals
9. Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings
10. Eli Manning, QB, Giants

Just for comparisons sake, here’s a quick rundown of the projected top 10 players prior to the 2007 season as seen by SI.com:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, Chargers
2. Steven Jackson, RB, Rams
3. Larry Johnson, RB, Chiefs
4. Frank Gore, RB, 49ers
5. Shaun Alexander, RB, Seahawks
6. Willie Parker, RB, Steelers
7. Rudi Johnson, RB, Bengals
8. Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles
9. Peyton Manning, QB, Colts
10. Joseph Addai, RB, Colts

In other news…

[The Beardown]: Buy Tiger Woods’ apple cores??

[Tirico Suave]: Maricopa County sheriff asks “Shaq, tell me how my ass tastes”

[Giants Football Blog]: Michael Strahan reveals Jeremy Shockey wants out of NYC. Well, duh!

[Deuce of Davenport]: KITT is still cooler than the Hoff

[Bugs & Cranks]: Attack of the broken bat

[Sportaphile.com]: Kobe Bryant continues to take a beating, this time from rapper Nas

[PartMule.com]: “Holy Jesus, look at the butt on that”

[YouTube.com]: You can find Chuck Liddell in the club

[Epic Carnival]: Yippee!! It’s National Sports Bra Week

[Home Run Derby]: The Jheri Curl All-Stars

And finally, crunk is officially dead. Let the era of mumbles begin.

Categories
Fantasy Football

Odds and Ends: So, you think your fantasy team name is creative, huh?

“Itchy Pujols”: now that’s creative!

There’s no avoiding it any longer, fantasy sports are American males’, and some females’, primary obsession in life. You might say that you love your spouse and your kids, but we know where the true emotion lies. Remember when you blew off going to church so you could fine-tune your lineup before the early kickoffs? Or what about the time you skipped your kid’s recital in order to watch a Monday Night Football blowout because Jason Elam was your kicker and you trailed by seven points? Of course, the biggie was when you forgot about your anniversary while pondering over the name of your team. Well, thanks to FantasyTeamNames.net, you can avoid the last disaster by simply stealing someone else’s creative moniker. Here’s a list of the current top ten fantasy team names.

10.Cleavage Rocks

9.Suck My Ditka
8.Bartolo Colonoscopy
7.Fuhrious
6.Vanek at the Disco
5.Human Growth Whore Moans
4.Travis Henry is My Dad
3.My Vick In A Box
2.Itchy Pujols
1.Byrnes When I Peavy

In other news…

[WashingtonPost.com]: Willie Buns explains his run-in with sex kitten/geezer skeezer Kendra

[MMAMania.com]: Forget about Kimbo for a second. Rampage vs. Griffin is right around the corner!

[WaitingForNextYear.com]: One day closer to the field for Terrelle Pryor

[Newsday.com]: What?! Becky Hammon is a filthy traitor!? Wait, who’s Becky Hammon?

[OnDeckFantasy.com]: Top 10 NBA ballers that you’d probably consider punching in the face

[Bleacher Report]: Notre Dame hates Urban Meyer

[MMA Stomping Grounds]: Dana White still has a big [expletive deleted] announcement to make, just you [expletive deleted] wait and see

[phillyBurbs.com]: Wrestling’s greatest feuds – Taz vs. Sabu

[Tirico Suave]: Tiger Woods, you do not impress Harvey Bars

[YouTube.com]: Wii Fit, it’s not just for chicks anymore

And finally, from Awful Announcing, more Deep Thoughts with our boy Jeff Van Gundy.


JVG Deep Thoughts
by bsap11
Categories
Fantasy Football

Do you know the terms of your fantasy football loan?

Anybody who has ever played fantasy football knows that being a virtual GM can be downright expensive. Rookie owners often think they just have to throw in their share of the pot and that’s that, but the grizzled veterans of the game know there is a ton of overhead associated with being a competitive fantasy franchise. Thankfully there are the good people at Frist National Bank.

Categories
Fantasy Football

The worst fantasy football players in the world

If you thought this kid from Florida was PO’d after Auburn handed the Gators their first home loss under Urban Meyer, then just wait until you get a load of the these two guys as they reflect on their fantasy season to date.

Alex Smith and J.P. Losman as your quarterbacks?!? Dude, you were screwed way before Steven Jackson and Andre Johnson went down.

Categories
Fantasy Football

Fantasy Football costs employers $1.1 billion a week



Putting the interns to work

According to consulting firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas, people checking their fantasy teams costs employers $1.1B a week in lost productivity. CEO John Challenger says that fantasy football, online poker and eBay are the biggest time suckages in the workplace. This is surprising because with all the time we spent on sports blogs, we didn’t have any time left over for online poker or eBay.

Still, Challenger says that employers shouldn’t ban fantasy football from the workplace.


The potential damage to morale and loyalty resulting from a fantasy football ban could be far worse than the loss of productivity caused by 10 minutes of online team management.

What Challenger really meant is that lazy son of a bitch in the cubicle next to yours isn’t going to do any work anyway so what is the difference if he spends his time trolling the waiver wires or forwarding chain-emails for free jeans from the Gap – IT REALLY WORKS!

Of course, the next logical step in employee-employer relations is to do absolutely no work and just spend the day managing your multiple fantasy teams. Why waste only 34 minutes a day on fantasy football when you can waste the entire 8 hours? And if your boss says anything to you, tell him he’s ruining morale in the workplace.

Links:

[Reuters]: Fantasy football sacks real work production

Categories
Fantasy Football

Due to technical difficulties…

We are only publishing an abbreviated blog today. And by technical difficulties, we mean we have to go get drunk, gamble, get drunk some more and then visit the… erm… “cultural attractions” in Montreal for our Fantasy Football Draft! Have a great weekend.