general-sports
See, we weren’t `taking a little dip into our Bolivian marching powder‘ when we brought you the news of a revamped American Gladiators. Just check out this completely overdramatic commercial for the premier of A.G.
“A mystical breed of warrior”?? Somehow we just don’t see mystical warriors sporting names like Malibu, Lace, Sunny, Bronco, Gold, Tower, Dallas, Sky, Laser or Zap.
We were completely shocked to come across a clip of Slamball this morning. After all, we figured that Spike TV would have destroyed all evidence of the “sport’s” existence. But, amazingly enough, the dumb trampolines and silly acrobatics weren’t the only dinosaurs that were unearthed. We know it’s hard to believe, but there has been an on-court Darius Miles sighting.
Okay, we’ve had our fill. Now can we avoid the double-fisted forehead bump for another three years or so?
Links:
[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: Darius Miles Has Really Slipped Since “The Perfect Score”
Current Dancing With the Stars champion and race car driver extraordinaire Helio Castroneves is splitting up with his long-time girlfriend/fiancée. According to TMZ, the break up is due to Castroneves’ new found celebrity. Apparently his ex old lady, Aliette Vazquez, couldn’t take Helio’s inflated ego anymore and decided to bolt, but we’ve got our suspicions.
We’re not huge fans of this dancing sensation that is sweeping the nation, but we’ve seen enough to know that the babes on the show are smokin’ hot. Needless to say, Helio’s `partner’, Julianne Hough is no exception. The two shared a kiss on a recent episode, but that was just part of the dance, right?
Actually, the kiss is probably the last thing the newly single Ms. Vazquez was worried about. After all, her man was spending countless hours with an incredibly sexy woman, dancing chest to chest, hip to hip and even lip to lip. Sexual chemistry is virtually unavoidable at that point. We don’t know a woman alive who would approve of her husband doing something like that in any other context.
Regardless, the relationship is over and the DWTS curse lives on. Oh, you haven’t heard about the curse? Just look at what it did to Emmitt Smith; from dancing machine to barely being able to put together a sentence.
Links:
[TMZ]: Ex-Fiancée to Helio: Lights, Camera, Split!
[ABC News]: Helio Splits From Fiancee After `DWS’ Win
We propose that every major sports association makes it mandatory for coaches and players to wear microphones during every game. Call us crazy, but we’d almost rather hear the chit chat on the field than some of these loser broadcast crews. Think about it; would you rather hear Mike Tirico blabber for three hours on Monday Night Football or listen to coach Gruden ask his staff where his team is currently sitting on the field. Yeah, it happens.
Of course, if you wanna know why we don’t always mic up players and coaches, just imagine the kinds of things you’d hear come out of guys like Bobby Knight if he forgot he was wired.
Let’s see; how do we put this? Not everyone has the necessary heart and desire to be Vili the Warrior; especially Stephanie Lum. Likewise, not everyone should be informing the public on the day’s newsworthy events; especially Vili the Warrior.
Links:
[The Wizard of Odds]: There’s Only One Vili the Warrior
On Sunday, Jimmie Johnson became the first driver to win consecutive Nextel Cup championships since Jeff Gordon did it in 1997 and again in 1998. It was a thrilling day at the race track as Johnson came into Homestead-Miami Speedway needing an 18th place finish or better in order to become the champ. He came in seventh and we’ve got all the exciting action to prove it.
Okay, so Jeff Gordon won the race and it was at Talladega, but other than that, the snail video was just as enthralling as the real thing.
Links:
[WNBC.com]: Johnson Wins Back-To-Back Nextel Cup Crowns
We thought ESPN had totally lost its marbles when they started trying to compare the current Celtics with the 72-win, Michael Jordan led Bulls of 1995-96. Well, Shady Acres is prepared to admit the entire Bristol bunch after Countdown aired a piece on how Tony Romo and Snoop Dogg are cut from the same cloth. We’d like to think this was a joke, but the evaluation is earnest (for the most part). No Kenny Mayne in sight.
Tune in next week to see the crew’s piece on the unbelievable parallels between the lives of Ray Lewis and Weird Al Yankovic.
And since we brought up “weird” and “Ray Lewis”, here’s video of Phil Dawson’s 51-yard field goal attempt giving the Baltimore uprights a pole dance.
That ending was almost as confusing as Emmitt Smith’s player analysis.
Links:
[Awful Announcing]: Ask Him, Ask Them, They All Know About Silky Slim
[Awful Announcing]: Cleveland’s Kicker Phil Dawson Is A Magician
We thought it would be great to get the sports-loving kids in our families some Fatheads for Christmas. What could be better than giving them a ridiculously over-sized Peyton Manning poster? Of course, then we went to their site and realized that those things cost $100 apiece! Screw that! They’re getting Lego’s and liking it. We don’t care how old they are. Build Peyton Manning. The point is that we hate Fathead and all they stand for, especially their stupid commercials.
Wow, we didn’t think anything could be more absurd than Big Ben’s spot with the rip-off artists.
Links:
[Awful Announcing]: New Fathead Commercial Scares And Confuses Me
Thanksgiving always has a way of creeping up on us, but this year we actually remembered before the Wednesday night prior to the big day. So, considering that we’re in the seasonal spirit a bit early this year, we thought we’d bring you a video you can be thankful for. At least you can be thankful that you’re not any of the people in the video.
All right, can I get a drumstick now?
Don’t ask us why, but we are always fascinated by humongous fish stories. Our latest tale comes from a couple of buddies who were fishing off the Louisiana coast when all of sudden, badda-boom, badda-bing, they’ve got a 350-pound grouper sitting in their boat.
JJ: “We were fishing in about 400 feet of water.”
Joey: “It was the biggest fish I’d ever seen.”
JJ: “We put the bait down on the bottom and it was down there about a half an hour before it got bit. The bait was a big live hard tail. When we hooked up, I thought I had hit the bottom. Then I felt the big head shake.”
JJ: “I put myself in a harness and just had to lay back and fight. It was about a 15 or 20 minute fight.
To be specific, it’s a Warsaw grouper that weighed a stout 359.1 pounds and on Monday afternoon the fishy got slaughtered in an auto shop.
Hey, if you’re in need of people to take some of that off your hands then we’ve got a suggestion for you. Send it on over to John Madden. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and he’s always looking for new meats to combine with his nuclear turducken concoction.
Links:
[WISTV.com]: Men catch 350-pound grouper off Louisiana coast
[FOX19.com]: 350 Pound Fish Caught In Louisiana
