Cleveland Browns

Brady Quinn likes to call guys “chief” while munching on barbacoa

With all the Brett Favre to the Jets talk over the past several days, you probably missed out on the big “Brady Quinn goes to Chipotle story. Luckily, nothing gets past

New England Patriots

Rumor has it Gordon Ramsey is looking to hire Bill Belichick

Did you know that Bill Belichick’s “culinary skills are legendary throughout the NFL”? We didn’t think so. In fact, the only person who seems to be blown away by Belichick’s recipes for BBPBJs is this loser Mike Veneman. What a friggin’ brown-noser.

Geez, a guy who loves to sport hoboesque looking sweatshirts has a fancy for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Go figure.


[]: Cooking with Bill Belichick

General Sports

Snoop Dogg and Tony Romo are exactly alike. What? You don’t see it?

We thought ESPN had totally lost its marbles when they started trying to compare the current Celtics with the 72-win, Michael Jordan led Bulls of 1995-96. Well, Shady Acres is prepared to admit the entire Bristol bunch after Countdown aired a piece on how Tony Romo and Snoop Dogg are cut from the same cloth. We’d like to think this was a joke, but the evaluation is earnest (for the most part). No Kenny Mayne in sight.

Tune in next week to see the crew’s piece on the unbelievable parallels between the lives of Ray Lewis and Weird Al Yankovic.

And since we brought up “weird” and “Ray Lewis”, here’s video of Phil Dawson’s 51-yard field goal attempt giving the Baltimore uprights a pole dance.

That ending was almost as confusing as Emmitt Smith’s player analysis.


[Awful Announcing]: Ask Him, Ask Them, They All Know About Silky Slim
[Awful Announcing]: Cleveland’s Kicker Phil Dawson Is A Magician

Cleveland Browns

Brady Quinn’s hair gets more attention than you ever have

Brady Quinn has only been in the NFL for a few short months now, but people just can’t seem to get enough of this guy. In fact, when Quinn chopped off his locks before taking the field against the Broncos on Saturday, it became a bigger story than Travis Henry’s unparalleled addiction to baby mommas. So, of course, the local paper, The Plain Dealer, ran a poll to find out if the populace prefers their Quinn with or without a mop top. Of the 1,689 pathetic losers to respond to the question, 61.5% liked the Shaggy hairdo more than the rookie hazing shave job. But who really gives a flip about whether Clevelandites like Quinn’s hair style when it turns out that there was really a whole lot more to the story.

According to Lionel295, this was no rookie hazing at all:

With all the intense media coverage how come they blew the story? Brady’s head was shaved because he had lice.

OMG, please spread the word of this infestation to anyone who has shared a comb with Quinn. Without proper quarantining this could spread faster and further than the Derek Jeter herpes epidemic!

However, we’d be remiss to leave out wwocean’s thought provoking input on this matter:

You know, I think the new Brady kind of looks like Matt Dillon. Let’s just hope his career goes a little better.


[]: The results are in! What do you think of Brady Quinn’s hair?

Cleveland Browns

Now that the toilets work, Cleveland’s ready for another $#!tty season

Around 300 suckers volunteers spent about half an hour on Wednesday walking around Cleveland Browns Stadium with the sole purpose of flushing all 1,500 toilets and urinals. Man, talk about a crappy job! Apparently, there was a massive leakage problem during a recent concert at the stadium that left the Browns’ locker room completely flooded. After hunting around for the problem, officials discovered that some plastic valves within the toilets were not working correctly which caused them to overflow. However, now that the problem has been fixed and the flushing test was successful, the stadium is ready to host the NFL preseason game between the Browns and Chiefs on Saturday.

We’re glad to hear that there are willing citizens to make sure that all the deposits made in the stadium’s bathrooms go down and not out of the toilets, but we were totally disappointed to hear that the Browns basically raped them for their services.

Volunteers received a bag of chips and soda, and they were given a chance to walk around the stadium.

We know that this was on a volunteer basis, but c’mon! At least give `em a cheesy t-shirt or a signed Brady Quinn picture. Hell, we won’t even flush our own toilets for less than a No. 5 combo meal from Burger King.


[]: Browns Stadium Toilets Repaired, Pass Flush Test

General Sports

Odds and Ends: If only Alycia Lane would grace us with some harmless banter

Alycia Lane’s publicist…er… the Philadelphia Inquirer had an interview today with Alycia Lane aka the chick who sent photos of herself in a bikini to Rich Eisen’s wife by mistake. In the interview, Lane tried to defend her photos as “harmless banter between to old friends, and not as an attempt to entire the Los Angeles-based Eisen or break up his marriage…”

Damn, we really gotta get to work on our harmless banter.  Don’t worry, Alycia, this won’t hurt your career one bit.  If anything, you can go national now. (hat tip: Sports By Brooks)

In other news…

[USA Today] The Mets fan who shined a high-powered flashlight at a couple of Braves gets 3 year ban from Shea and 15 days in jail.

[Seal Clubbers]: A nut shot is always funny

[Our Book of Scrap]: This guy is not doing anything for that ‘white men can’t jump’ stereotype

[Brew Crew Ball]: Don’t look now but the Brewers have the best record in baseball

[Blazers Edge]: Brandon Roy is your NBA Rookie of the Year.

[Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh]: Joe Thomas’ Aunt.  Wow.  Just… wow.

NFL General

Brady Quinn did not lose $17M waiting in the green room

Darren Rovell’s story over at CNBC is getting a lot of attention around the blogosphere because he calculated that Brady Quinn lost $17M in guaranteed money after sliding down to No. 22 instead of being taken at No. 3 by the Browns.

So here’s how I come up with the number. At the No. 3 pick, I project Cleveland would have signed Quinn to a six-year deal worth as much as $60 million, about $27 million of which would be guaranteed — that includes the quarterback premium. At No. 22, Quinn will sign a six-year deal closer to $30 million, with $10 million guaranteed. That’s a $17 million loss.

Here’s what’s wrong with this calculation: Cleveland was never going to take Brady Quinn with the No. 3 pick so saying that he lost that money is inaccurate. However, you could make a strong argument that the Miami Dolphins should have taken Quinn at No. 9. (Instead they took Ted Ginn Jr, who Cam Cameron said would be an awesome kick returner… wait, that’s supposed to placate angry Dolphins fans?) With the ninth pick, Quinn’s contract would have been more in line with Matt Leinart’s 6-year $51M with $14M guaranteed contract. Even if you bump it up to $15M in guaranteed money, Quinn only lost about $5M instead of the $17M that’s being tossed around.

As Jaws mentioned last night, what might have cost Quinn a lot of money was a coin toss in February that gave the Browns the third pick and the Bucs the fourth. It is conceivable that the Bucs would have taken Joe Thomas 3rd and then Cleveland would have taken Quinn with the 4th pick. Still, considering how crazy the draft was and how wrong everyone’s mock drafts were, there’s no guarantee that the Bucs would have taken Joe Thomas 3rd.

[CNBC]: The $17 Million Slide & Draft Day Notes

Cleveland Browns

Top 10 Dumbest in-game Injuries: #8 Orlando Brown

[Sportscolumn is running down the ten dumbest in-game injuries in sports. Here’s #8.]

In 1999, Cleveland’s Orlando Brown was struck in the right eye with a flag thrown by referee Jeff Triplette. The little yellow flag was weighted down with close to a pound of bb’s and apparently Brown didn’t appreciate the incredible accuracy displayed by Triplette because Brown hulked-up and went berserk, shoving Triplette to the ground which lead to an ejection from the game and suspension from the league. The injury was so severe that Brown was forced to remain sidelined for several years, but he remained busy during the down time as Brown and the NFL alternated suing each other over the incident.

Back to #9 | Forward to #7

Denver Broncos

Jan 11 in Sports History: The Drive

In 1987: A hilarious thing happened to the Cleveland Browns on their way to Super Bowl XXI: John Elway. Old Municipal Stadium (that’s the Mistake by the Lake to you and me) was at Armageddon decibels when Brian Brennan hauled in a 48-yard touchdown pass from Bernie Kosar to tale a 20-13 lead over the Denver Broncos with 5:43 to play in the AFC Championship game. When Denver mishandled the kickoff at the two yard line, it didn’t get much quieter. Elway stepped in, however, and marched the Broncos 98 yards, converting three third downs (including a 3rd and 18) and barely escaping Cleveland’s constant pressure. The Drive, as it would forever be known, ended with an Elway bullet that found Mark Jackson in the end zone to tie the score. Still, the Browns felt confident, as they had won three overtime games already that season (including one against the Jets a week earlier in the playoffs). The Broncos won the coin toss though, and the barefooted Rich Karlis booted a 33-yard field goal minutes later for a 23-20 victory that sent the Broncos to Pasadena, the Browns to the front nine and Elway to the Hall of Fame (or at least put him on a fast track). A friend I had from Cleveland swore to me that he was at the game and most of the crowd stuck around and cheered the team for an hour after the game. I never believed him, because if it were me, I would’ve been too busy alternating between pounding alcohol and a cinder block against my skull as to kill the memories. Of course, the laughs doubled the following year…(remember Cleveland, it got better the following year)

In 1998: Ok. It would only be fair to include another Broncos victory in an AFC Championship game that happened on the same day 11 years later. Once again, Elway went on the road and broke the hearts of the home crowd, this time beating the Pittsburgh Steelers 24-21 at Three Rivers Stadium to go to Super Bowl XXXII in San Diego. Elway had help though, this time from Steelers’ quarterback Kordell Stewart, who began showing his true postseason mettle (more like metal in the space where his brain was believed to have occupied) by throwing three interceptions (two in the Broncos end zone) and losing a fumble, and Steelers’ coach Bill Cowher (who kept relying on Stewart instead of a strong Jerome Bettis). Elway was good enough to lead the Broncos to a 10-point halftime lead which Pittsburgh could never recover from. It would be Denver’s fifth Super Bowl appearance.

NFL General

Jan 8 in Sports History: The Music City Miracle

After the 90.5 degree lateral from Wycheck

In 2000: An otherwise nondescript AFC Wild Card game suddenly found itself joining the Immaculate Reception, the Hail Mary and The Drive in pantheon of unbelievable playoff finishes. The Tennessee Titans were locked in a defensive struggle with the visiting Buffalo Bills in the first playoff game of the new millennium. The Bills rallied from a 12-point deficit in the second half and took their first lead of the game at 16-15 with only 16 seconds left. On the ensuing kickoff, Tennessee’s Lorenzo Neal fielded the ball and handed it to H-Back Frank Wycheck. Wycheck threw the ball across the field to Kevin Dyson, who ran 75 yards for the touchdown. The Titans had to wait out a lengthy review by referee Phil Luckett (who was the Forrest Gump of the NFL in the late 90’s–he seemed to be involved in every major event), but the play stood and “the Music City Miracle” was on the list. The Bills protested that it was a forward pass by Wycheck and the play shouldn’t have stood, but replays show that the play was a lateral.

In 2003: Two Wild Card games played back-to-back provided NFL fans with one of the most exciting days of football ever. First, in Pittsburgh, the Steelers trailed 24-7 and 33-21 before rallying to beat the Cleveland Browns 36-33, despite 433 yards passing by Brown’s backup Kelly Holcomb. Then in San Francisco, the 49ers fell behind the NY Giants 38-14 in the second half before rallying to take a 39-38 lead behind Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens. The last play of the afternoon summed up the entire day. The Giants lined up for a game-winning field goal attempt but the snap was botched, and holder Matt Allen scrambled right and heaved a desperation pass to Giants’ guard Rich Seubert (who was an eligible receiver). Seubert was blatantly interfered with by the 49ers’ Chike Okeafor, but the referees instead penalized the Giants for an illegal man downfield. If the referees had called offsetting penalties (or if Allen had just spiked the ball—it was third down) the Giants could’ve had another shot at winning the game. The 49ers, for some reason, didn’t let the Giants play at Tampa the next week in their stead.