Odds and Ends: This whole Alex Rodriguez sex scandal could have easily been avoided

Posted on Wed Jul 23, 2008 at 12:54:00 PM EST in MLB
More on: sex, cheating, Kerry Collins, Peter King, WWF, TV, NFL, tennis, MMA, Brett Favre, Kevin Durant, UCLA, Allison Stokke, Greg Oden, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Athletes and infidelity go together like peanut butter and jelly or like athletes and hookers. They're simply made for each other, but that doesn't mean that the cheating has to become public. According to BlackSportsOnline.com, an athlete doesn't have to keep it in their pants in order to keep their name out of the paper. Simply following this list of The 10 Bona Fide Commandments For The Cheating Athlete should be more than enough.

I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.

II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.

III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.

IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.

V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

VI- THOU SHALL NEVER CHEAT WITH AN OBSESSED FAN.

VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.

VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.

IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.

X- THOU SHALL TREAT BOTH YOUR "SIDE-PIECE" & YOUR WIFE LIKE A QUEEN.

Learn it. Memorize it. Live by it.

In other news...

[Tirico Suave]: Kerry Collins stars in "God Dammit"

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: Peter King stars in "Peter King Needs A Latte"

[Heavy.com]: Top 10 old school WWF wrestlers

[Gossip Girls]: Kim Kardashian might be on Dancing With the Stars. Schwing

[Deuce of Davenport]: Crazy-ass NFL merchandise, including the "creepiest sleeping bag ever"

[All Balls]: Just follow the bouncing boobs. Oh, god, we mean breasts. Uh, err, no, balls; wait, ball. Yea, that's it; just follow the bouncing boobs. Dammit

[Rear Naked News]: Michael Bisping might have a death wish

[NE Patriots Draft]: More of Brett Favre this...

[StarTribune.com]: And more of Brett Favre that

[The Associated Press]: Congratulations on becoming the drunkest guy ever, Mr. 0.491 Percent Blood Alcohol Level

[The City of Champions]: The ol `Take off your shirt so we can get a picture of you and Photoshop it onto the cover of a gay porn rag' trick gets `em every time

[The Redshirt Senior]: College pigskin's top 10 lids

[Storming the Floor]: Texas set to retire Kevin Durant's jersey. Sure, it was one heckuva season, but, damn!

[LAist.com]: UCLA is soooo totally ass-some

[Banned In Hollywood]: What? Allison's back?? Quick, how's our hair?

[FunnyOrDie.com]: Handsome + Me + Funny = Host

[SlashFilm.com]: Can you believe The Big Lebowski is already 10 years old?! Our baby's growing up so quickly

And finally, when "Haha, now you're dead!" is the absolute best you can do, these are the guys to call on.

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Baseball's underutilized sexual innuendos

Posted on Mon Jul 21, 2008 at 10:32:11 AM EST in MLB
More on: baseball, announcing, funny, phrases, sex (all tags)

Sports are peppered with tons of sexual innuendos. Personally, we can't hear the description "deep penetration" without giggling like little school girls. And we all know about getting to first, second, and, if you're lucky, third base with a chick. But what about the underappreciated other metaphors that rarely see the light of day? They're out there, you just probably never understood the references behind the everyday descriptions. So, here are some phrases besides "slump buster" to listen for the next time you're watching a baseball game or listening to your buddies talk about their weekends on the prowl.

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Foul Ball: This has the simple meaning of being shut down, but in a nice way. You try to put the ball in the field of play to get on any base, but you a turned away and must try again on a different pitch.

Ace: This is a girl that rarely lets any guys get on base. Only if a guy is a really good hitter will he have any chance of getting anywhere with this girl.

Bases Loaded: This is just a full out orgy. You have a guy on first base, second base, and third base all at the same time, all within the same area. If you reach base, you know at least one of them is going to reach home plate.

Strikeout Looking: This term means the girl has given the guy a clear sign she wants him on one of the bases, but he just lets it go by and the opportunity is lost.

Stealing Home: Rape.

Links:
[CollegeHumor.com]: Less Common Baseball Sex Terms

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Odds and Ends: "Babe, I don't know why he doesn't hit the ball harder"

Posted on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 01:06:18 PM EST in MLB
More on: MLB, Home Run Derby, sex, pro wrestling, managers, NFL, NBA, Josh Hamilton, LeBron James, video, Odds and Ends (all tags)

For the guys who are in a relationship, sports are usually a safe haven where the girlfriends rarely step foot. However, certain events like all-star games, the Super Bowl and March Madness bring out the inner sports fan within chicks and last night's Home Run Derby certainly constitutes as such an event. So, for those of you lucky enough to actually trick a girl into dating you, here's a list of things you probably heard while Josh Hamilton was going bananas.

"Look how slow they're throwing the ball! This is SOOOOOO easy. You'd have to suck not to hit a home run every time."

"That Berkman guy will definitely win, right? Don't fat guys always win?"

"Were you joking when you said A-Rod isn't participating because he's spotting Madonna at the gym?"

"Why don't they use the net in front of the pitcher in real games? Wouldn't that be a lot safer?"

"Omigod. Look at all those guidos in the stands. As much as I love shopping in New York I am SOOO glad we don't live there."

"You haven't switched over to E! once like you said you would."

"Why don't players just hit home runs every time? Wouldn't that be a lot easier?"

"His last name isn't really Uggla is it? I wouldn't take your last name if it was Uggla."

"So you're really telling me you couldn't do this? I thought you said you were good at sports."

"Were you saying Hamilton `loves the coke' or `loved the coke'?"

"Where's Jeter? I thought you said he'd be there."

"There's another round?! Why? Enough people aren't asleep?!"

In other news...

[Deuce of Davenport]: Now this is what we call a proper pregame warm-up

[RawSportsBlog.com]: The top 30 reasons to watch professional wrestling

[Undrafted Free Agent]: Mmmmm, the most memorable MLB manager meltdowns

[RyanSpoon.com]: The NFL is worth a whole lotta chedda

[Cleveland.com]: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Tractor Traylor is attempting to back his way into the NBA

[Bugs & Cranks]: The MLB is stuffed full of Dicks

[With Leather]: Josh Hamilton sends em back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back (we could be here a while), back, back, back, back...

[Docksquad Sports]: LeBron James gets groovy for charity

[YepYep]: Sorry BMXers and skateboarders, but you just lost use of the term "extreme" because of these guys

[YouTube]: The only good reason to watch a loser bounce quarters into a glass

And finally, the exact opposite of Heelys.

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Odds and Ends: Formula 1 just got a little too freaky for our taste

Posted on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 04:25:27 PM EST in Other Sports
More on: Max Mosley, sex, F1, Bears, Colts, NFL, Stephen Curry, LeBron James, Oscar Robertson, cheerleaders, Cowboys, Gilbert Arenas, Odds and Ends (all tags)

Americans have a hard enough time getting into NASCAR, so when it comes to F1, most are pretty lost. Of course, now that there is a little sex scandal sprinkled into the vroom, vroom then it just might catch on.

FIA president Max Mosley is under intense pressure to resign his position with the Formula 1 governing body after the British tabloid News of the World divulged an illicit video showing Mosley with a group of prostitutes dressed as Nazi prison guards.

Several media outlets report that the video is said to show Mosley at a high-end brothel in Chelsea, taking part in several hours of role-playing and sado-masochistic behavior. The part of the tape that raises the most concern is Mosley reportedly speaking German with the prostitutes, who were dressed as Nazis.

Wow! Even Eliot Spitzer thinks this is over the top.

In other news...

[Awful Announcing]: Are you ready for some football!?!

[Can't Stop The Bleeding]: Noel Gallagher Didn't Write This Song About Stephen Curry...

[CollegeHumor.com]: King James goes King Kong.

[The Professional Cheerleader Blog]: Brackets o' babes!

[MVN.com]: The Oddibe Awards

[JSOnline.com]: Q&A with the Big O.

[Know Your Dallas Cowboys]: Quick! Give us a boy in blue that wore No. 14.

[WashigtonTimes.com]: Money isn't everything to Gilbert Arenas.

[SportsFilter.com]: Happy birthday "Bull Durham!' Happy birthday to you!

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Shaq doesn't pay for sex, he pays them to leave afterward

Posted on Fri Jun 15, 2007 at 09:06:28 AM EST in NBA
More on: Shaq, Heat, sex, Las Vegas (all tags)

Remember when Kobe was accused of raping that girl in Colorado? It was a minor case so you might not have heard of it. Anyway, back when that happened, Kobe remarked that he should just pay them hush money to go away like Shaq does and told police that Shaq paid $1M in total for such a situation. Well it turns out that Kobe was partially right.

You see, Shaq probably did some girls hush money, but then he also paid prostitutes straight up for sex according to the NY Post. And the type of prostitutes he used are the discrete type. A Las Vegas police report detailing the operation of a madam named Esperanza Brooks that was made public this week and included the names of Shaquille O'Neal and Bill Clinton.

Oh and to top it off, Esperanza Brooks worked as a cheerleading coach at the Andre Agassi College Prep Academy. Now that's a hell of a farm system.

Links:
[NY Post]: VEGAS POLICE SLIME BILL, SHAQ
[MSNBC]: Shaq angrily denies paying sex hush money

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Hide your foster daughters, Elijah Dukes is in town

Posted on Wed Jun 13, 2007 at 10:11:40 AM EST in MLB
More on: Devil Rays, idiots, sex (all tags)

Elijah Dukes, the TB outfielder who last month was accused of threatening to kill his wife on a voicemail is back in the headlines today. Elijah apparently thinks that foster homes are a prime source of teen ass.

According to police, Dukes impregnated a 17-year-old girl who was in the care of his step-grandmother ("So what does that make us? Absolutely nothing."). Fortunately for Elijah, no crime was committed because because it was consensual sex between a 17 and 22-year-old. He still has that problem of being the baby daddy though. The pregnant teen claims that when she told him about the pregnancy, he threw a bottle of gatorade at her.

Elijah's mom Phyllis had this to say about the situation:

Every time one of those (whores) lays down with my baby, they end up pregnant. That's right. And I'm tired of them.

Holy crap! Every time! When it comes to hos, it seems Elijah has supersperm.

Links:
[St Petersberg Times]: Former foster teen says she is carrying Dukes' baby

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Do you think about sports more than sex?

Posted on Thu May 10, 2007 at 11:12:47 AM EST in Other Sports
More on: sports, sex (all tags)

Two birds. One stone.

You know the urban myth than men think about sex every seven seconds? Well it's not true. According to the Kinsey Institute, "54% of men think about sex every day or several times a day, 43% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 4% less than once a month." Those figures seem ridiculous to us since we spend all day wondering which super hot female athlete will be posing in playboy or FHM next but those are the stats so who are we to argue. Anyway, if true, then sex has nothing on soccer.

According to a poll by a financial services company, English Premiereship fans think about soccer every 12 during a normal waking day. (God knows how often they dream about it at night.) Sheffield United fans are the most rabid as they think about The Blades every 9 minutes. Every 9 minutes? How do you get any work done during the day?

We love sports around here (we are sports bloggers after all) but thinking about anything every 9 minutes seems to be obsessive... although lately we have been wondering too often how the hell a pole vaulter could be so hot.

Links:
[The Offside]: Forget Sex. Fans Daydream about Football
[Bloomberg]: English Soccer Fans Ponder Sport Every 12 Minutes, Survey Says
[Snopes]: Daydream Deceiver

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The 30 sluttiest athletes of all time

Posted on Fri Apr 13, 2007 at 09:31:44 AM EST in Other Sports
More on: sex, funny, video (all tags)

We found this truly excellent list via Fark of the 30 sluttiest athletes of all time as ranked by Nerve. Wow. The things you learn on this list. By the way, the list itself is PNSFW.

Here are some highlights:

• Arnold Schwarzeneggar teaches English by trying to make a woman blow a carrot (around the 4:30 mark)
• David Cone once jerked off in front of a groupie in the bullpen
• Chipper Jones is the baby daddy of a Hooter's waitress
• The British term for "running a train" is "roasting"
• Some soccer goalie got "pegged" by his girlfriend
• Joe DiMaggio was a frequenter of whorehouses

The usual suspects (Shawn Kemp, Derek Jeter, Wilt) are on the list too but it's the random stuff that's insane. Kudos to Nerve for including the Dikembe "Who Wants to Sex" Mutombo at #18.

And finally, watching this next clip will make you about 1.3% gayer but it is hilarious. We've never even heard about this before but it's like what would happen if Will Ferrell was a figure skater.... wait a minute... that would be a great movie!

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Six hookers is one way to get over a loss

Posted on Wed Mar 28, 2007 at 09:36:49 AM EST in Other Sports
More on: soccer, hookers, sex (all tags)

Did not have sex with that woman

After losing to Germany in the Euro qualifiers, five members of the Czech national team smuggled in six autograph hunters hookers to their hotel room to take the edge off.

Ironically, they were busted by a female Czech journalist who herself posed as an autograph seeker. She said that midfielder Jan Polak answered the door and saw a party going on where the other players "drank and hugged prostitutes".

All the players deny sleeping with the hookers but admitted to breaking some rules and was levied about a $50,000 fine which they accepted as the correct punishment and apologized.

Meanwhile, three of the players in the incident, Tomas Rosicky, Tomas Ujfalusi, and Jan Polak are all married. Ujfalusi's wife is a former Miss Czech Republic. Unfortunately, they were not able to blame Lawrence Taylor for the hookers.

Links:
[The Sun UK]: Arsenal ace's six-hooker party

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Trick Play Catches Anderson Off Guard

Posted on Tue Mar 13, 2007 at 12:25:51 PM EST in NFL
More on: Richie Anderson, Cardinals, NFL, sex, crime, hos (all tags)

Looks like Richie Anderson is giving George O'Leary a run for his money when it comes to holding down a job. That's because less than two months since being hired as the Arizona Cardinals wide receivers coach, Anderson was fired by the organization after being arrested on Monday in Phoenix when he fell for the old cop dressed as a ho trick. Anderson was charged with solicitation of prostitution which is a Class 1 misdemeanor in Arizona and could result in up to six months in prison and a $2,500 fine for the 13 year NFL vet.

I gathered a lot of information over the weekend, and I've talked with Richie a couple of times," coach Ken Whisenhunt said Monday night. "I just felt like at this point, it was in the best interest of Richie and the team that we went this direction.

That's probably a good decision coach. We don't think you want to be following the Mike Price road to success, now do you?

Links:
[AZCentral.com]: CARDS FIRE ASSISTANT AFTER ARREST
[The Jets Blog]: The Grass Isn’t Always Greener . . .

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