All Other Sports

This just in, Houston reporters are morons

This is why all WWE reporting should
be left to Todd Grisham

If you thought that pro wrestling fans were some of the most gullible people on the face of the planet, just get a load of how gullible pro wrestling reporters are. After Vince McMahon was “injured” during a freak “accident” in the final moments of Monday’s episode of RAW in Houston, the staff jumped all over the story with such zeal that they forgot wrestling isn’t real. Oops.

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon was injured in a freak accident in San Antonio Monday night.

Just moments after giving away $500,000 in “McMahon’s Million Dollar Mania,” McMahon was crushed by a large electric sign that fell from the AT&T Center.

The extent of his injuries was unclear, but he was rushed to the hospital.

WrestleMania officials planned to update fans on McMahon’s condition at a press conference in Houston Tuesday.

WWE stars were scheduled to be on hand at the Toyota Center before filming SmackDown and ECW at the arena. later reported that possible foul play was at hand with the stage collapse, naming Donald Trump, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bret Hart as prime suspects.


[Blog of Hilarity]: Houston reporters think wrestling is real

All Other Sports

Backyard boneheads

Pro wrestling gets virtually no respect, constantly getting treated like a joke amongst the sporting spectrum. Hell, the potheads at the X-Games are given more legitimacy than wrasslers. But there is a group of guys who are undeniably more mentally challenged than pro wrestlers: backyard wrestlers! – Watch more free videos

College Basketball

To prove she’s not a nappy headed ho, Rutgers player wants cash

Kia Vaughn is suing Don Imus, CBS Radio, CBS Corp, and possibly anyone with money because Imus called her a nappy headed ho on the radio. Just when you thought lawsuits couldn’t get more ridiculous in this country and just when you thought the stupid Don Imus thing was finally dead, here comes the cash grab. Frankly, we’re suprised it took this long.

According to the lawsuit and her scumbag lawyer, the comments caused Vaughn to be humiliated, embarrassed and publicly mocked. So much so in fact that the “full effect of the damage remains to be seen.” (Translation: settle with us out of court before we ask for more money.)

This is about Kia Vaughn’s good name,” Ancowitz said. “She would do anything to return to her life as a student and respected basketball player — a more simple life before Imus opened his mouth on April 4.

Wait… what? Who the fuck is Kia Vaughn? Before she filed this lawsuit, we don’t think anyone outside of her dorm knew who she was. Now her reputation is ruined? Listen, ho(ney), you’ve done more to damage your “good name” by filing this lawsuit than anything that idiot Imus said. You think people are saying to her as she’s walking down a street, “hey, you’re that nappy headed ho!”? No. Nobody could pick her out of a lineup even if they put her next to five midgets.

But hey, listen, we understand, the WNBA only pays about $35k a year.

[Yahoo]: Rutgers basketball player sues Imus and CBS Radio, alleging defamation of character

Atlanta Falcons

Bad Moon is now Bankrupt

Andre Rison played football for 11 years in the NFL but somehow still managed to go bankrupt. He owes $58,000 in child support to his ex-wife and another $46,000 in child support two of his baby’s momma so he faces a court-ordered bankruptcy. He probably would have a little more money if all his stuff hadn’t been burned to a crisp by Left Eye.

In 2005, Rison actually spent a month in the DeKalb County Jail in Georgia for failure to pay $127,000 in child support. He paid $10,000 and was released. Now considering that OJ Simpson is still traveling around and playing golf every day after killing two people (do we really need to be bothered with saying stuff like “accused of killing” anymore?), Rison probably still has a boatload of money left that can’t be touched by the courts. And if he doesn’t, then he’s a bigger idiot than we thought.

Here’s a random factoid about Rison: he once told the police his name was Brock Middlebrook after being cited at a bar fight in Kansas City.

[Sportsline]: No kidding: Rison ordered into bankruptcy to pay child support

Tampa Bay Rays

Hide your foster daughters, Elijah Dukes is in town

Elijah Dukes, the TB outfielder who last month was accused of threatening to kill his wife on a voicemail is back in the headlines today. Elijah apparently thinks that foster homes are a prime source of teen ass.

According to police, Dukes impregnated a 17-year-old girl who was in the care of his step-grandmother (“So what does that make us? Absolutely nothing.”). Fortunately for Elijah, no crime was committed because because it was consensual sex between a 17 and 22-year-old. He still has that problem of being the baby daddy though. The pregnant teen claims that when she told him about the pregnancy, he threw a bottle of gatorade at her.

Elijah’s mom Phyllis had this to say about the situation:

Every time one of those (whores) lays down with my baby, they end up pregnant. That’s right. And I’m tired of them.

Holy crap! Every time! When it comes to hos, it seems Elijah has supersperm.

[St Petersberg Times]: Former foster teen says she is carrying Dukes’ baby

All Other Sports

Former Rugby player punches man for calling him a poof

Proving once again that women might be the bane of every man’s existence, a former Australian rugby player was put on two years probation after punching a man for calling him a poof. Meli Allen was wearing a purple cashmere sweater because his girlfriend had bought it for him and he didn’t want to offend her.

Allen claimed that he punched Ryan Phillpot last November because one of his friends said, “You poof, you f$@king fag,” to Allen. When Allen approached them, they continued to insult them so he punched one of them in the nose.

The beauty of this news item is that it gives us the opportunity to post one of our favorite segments from Arrested Development, the greatest short-lived show on television.

[]: Ex-footy player punched man over jumper


Soccer fan killed for celebrating

stoning is not funny

There’s a rule that we think everyone should follow: never celebrate excessively when in an opposing team’s stadium. If you go to an away game, you are allowed to celebrate when your team does something good, but make sure it’s mild mannered and not annoying to any who paid good money to cheer on their own team. We have no sympathy for people who get beaten up for being obnoxious pricks or get heckled for sporting their team colors. (Yes, we’re Eagles fans.)

In any case, while heckling and the occasional deserved beatdown can be expected, stomping and stoning a man to death is completely unacceptable.

A Mozambican soccer fan was stoned and stomped to death after celebrating a goal by his side in a premier league match in the southern African nation, Mozambique’s national newspaper reported on Tuesday.

Angry Lichinga fans attacked the unidentified man after he jumped onto a stadium terrace to celebrate Ferroviario’s second goal in the 69th minute, the daily newspaper said. It quoted witnesses as saying that police failed to intervene.

Yep. The beautiful game.

[The Offside]: The Daily Dose

[Youtube]: Life of Brian – the Stoning

All Other Sports

How not to bet the Kentucky Derby

We love betting the trifecta. For a buck or two, you can win hundreds if not thousands of dollars on a race. Hell, sometimes we’ll even go crazy and go with the trifecta box. However, we also know enough about statistics to know that you can’t bet every single permutation in a race and expect to come out on top.

But that’s exactly what a man in Rochester, NY did. On the day of the Kentucky Derby, a man walked into an OTB and asked how much it would cost to buy every possible trifecta combination. And now we break for a quick math lesson–

If you have 20 horses in the field, the possible outcomes for the first three horses would be 20! / (20-3)! = 6,840. Likewise, a superfecta (first 4 horses) would be 116,280. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming–

The man was told the answer and came back to place the wagers. It cost him a total of $13,680 for his $2 trifectas and he wound up winning… wait for it… wait for it… $440. If you’re gonna make a bet like this, you better know what you’re getting yourself into. And since the payout odds are terrible on favorites, you should just eliminate those trifecta combinations. But alas, the man had more cash than math skills so now he’s $13,240 poorer for his trouble.

This story would only be better if he does the exact same thing in the Preakness.

[Democrat and Chronicle]: Encore: Yes for Street Sense; no for Oscar

Miami Heat

To be fair, Shaq was educated during the Reagan administration

You know what’s a shame? That they don’t release Wonderlic scores for basketball players. Cause Shaq might be challenging Chris Leak and Vince Young for low score.

Shaquille O’Neal says you won’t hear him bashing President Bush in light of an eye-opening visit to the White House with the Miami Heat.

“When it comes to ridiculization, if you can’t walk in a man’s shoes, you shouldn’t ridicule him,” O’Neal says. “When I was sitting in the blue room and seeing all the (stuff) the president has to go through, people bringing him letters and a million people walking around, I couldn’t do that job.

If one of the job requirements for being president of the United States is misusing words (“tacular“), then Shaq should considering running in the next election. We’re sick of people making up words whenever they want. Ridiculization isn’t a word, Shaq. The worst thing about Shaq is that he actually thinks he’s smart. He’s like Mike Tyson without the insanity. Just because you’ve read Aristotle doesn’t mean you’re a smart man, it just means you’ve read Aristotle.

[USA Today]: Shaq for prez?

NFL General

Lawrence Phillips is going to be someone’s girlfriend

Former Nebraska star RB Lawrence Phillips was convicted today of seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon and is facing up to 20 years in prison. The incident occured last year when Phillips was upset about losing in a pickup football game and in his little mind decided that the other players were stealing from him so he got into his car (well, it was stolen but it was his for the moment) and proceeded to try to run everyone down. (It kind of reminds us of the guy in White Men Can’t Jump who threatened to get his other gun and shoot everybody.) Phillips ran over two boys age 14 and 15 and a 19 year old. His excuse? That the car hit the front wheel of a bicycle and fishtailed into the kids. What kind of car is so weak that a bicycle tire causes it to fishtail? Was Phillips driving an Adobe?

You know how commercials say that past performance is not guarantee of future returns? Well, that certainly can’t be said of Lawrence Phillips who was 1) suspended from the Cornhuskers for dragging his exgirlfriend by the hair down a flight of steps, 2) got into a fight with Dick Vermeil — Dick Vermeil! 3) assaulted a woman in a nightclub while with the Dolphins, 4) kicked off the Montreal Alouettes for insubordination, and 5) cut by the Calgary Stampeders for yelling at a coach. A blind man could see a pattern there.

Sentencing is expected on October 19th. And somewhere Steve Young is having a private chuckle.

[Yahoo]: Lawrence Phillips convicted of assault with deadly weapon