Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Saying that your dog ate it finally has some advantages


A while back some loser decided to let her dogs chew up a bunch of Michael Vick trading cards and then threw `em up on eBay. Well, guess who’s calling who a loser now? Turns out that the slobbered on, chewed up cards fetched a nice amount of cash; $7,400 to be exact. So, now instead of poking fun at the enterprising Rochelle Steffen of Missouri, we’re turning our attention to the whacked out fool who actually paid for the 22 cards.

Oh, but then again, the proceeds did go to the Humane Society. So, we can’t really argue with something that not only benefits a cause that would make Michael gag, but also delivers another humiliating blow to the dog murder’s fading legacy.

First we had the Michael Vick chew toy and now this. Keep it up America; don’t rest until every dog gets an opportunity to desecrate Vick in their own special way. Our guess is that someone in Ohio is next in line with the Michael Vick fire hydrant.

Links:

[WISTV.com]: Chewed up Michael Vick cards sell for $7,400 online

Categories
MLB General

The Full Count: So much for the Brew Crew


1. From Leaders to Losers: The Milwaukee Brewers were the talk of the league in June, when they pulled out to a huge lead in the NL Central division. However, with a 19-34 record the last two months, the Brewers have fallen to third place. They have lost five straight, including a 5-3 loss to the division-leading Cubs on Tuesday. Milwaukee got a solid start from Jeff Suppan, but Scott Linebrink allowed three runs to blow the game and the offense was ineffective. Lack of offense has been a reoccurring problem for the Brewers, who rank 15th in the NL in runs this month. They fell below .500 with the loss, and were passed by the red-hot Cardinals.

2. Philly draws closer: The Phillies have won three in a row, pulling themselves closer to both the division and wild card leaders. They are four games back of the Mets and threeback of the Padres after a 4-2 extra-inning win over New York. The Phillies won off Ryan Howard’s 10th inning walk-off homer. It was the 35th blast of the year for Howard, who leads the NL with 108 RBIs. The Mets’ only score was on Carlos Delgado’s two-run shot in the second. The Mets, who have dropped five of their last seven, are still the NL’s best team. However, the Phillies can catch up easily, especially if they take the last two games from the Mets in this series. Philly should still be more concerned with the wild card race at this point.

3. Halo Power: The Angels got awful starting pitching on Tuesday, but it didn’t matter as their offense carried them to a win over the Mariners. Ervin Santana recorded only one out and allowed five runs, and with a 6.38 ERA is in jeopardy of losing his spot in the rotation. However, the Angels still won 10-6, thanks to Vlad Guerrero’s 4-5, 3 RBI night. Guerrero is now batting .509 against the Mariners this season. The Angels lead the season series over the Mariners 10-4, including two wins in this series so far. They lead by four games in the division, thanks to Seattle’s four straight losses. The Mariners still lead the wild card race by one game over the Yankees.

Player of the Day: Johnny Damon, Yankees: 2-4, HR, 2 RBIs in a 5-3 win over the Red Sox. Damon’s two-run shot in the seventh gave the Yankees a lead they would not give up in this one.

Categories
Cleveland Browns

Brady Quinn’s hair gets more attention than you ever have


Brady Quinn has only been in the NFL for a few short months now, but people just can’t seem to get enough of this guy. In fact, when Quinn chopped off his locks before taking the field against the Broncos on Saturday, it became a bigger story than Travis Henry’s unparalleled addiction to baby mommas. So, of course, the local paper, The Plain Dealer, ran a poll to find out if the populace prefers their Quinn with or without a mop top. Of the 1,689 pathetic losers to respond to the question, 61.5% liked the Shaggy hairdo more than the rookie hazing shave job. But who really gives a flip about whether Clevelandites like Quinn’s hair style when it turns out that there was really a whole lot more to the story.

According to Lionel295, this was no rookie hazing at all:

With all the intense media coverage how come they blew the story? Brady’s head was shaved because he had lice.

OMG, please spread the word of this infestation to anyone who has shared a comb with Quinn. Without proper quarantining this could spread faster and further than the Derek Jeter herpes epidemic!

However, we’d be remiss to leave out wwocean’s thought provoking input on this matter:

You know, I think the new Brady kind of looks like Matt Dillon. Let’s just hope his career goes a little better.

Links:

[Cleveland.com]: The results are in! What do you think of Brady Quinn’s hair?

Categories
All Other Sports

The godfather of finger jousting has absolutely no life


Dear Sports Column:

I must say that I enjoy your tactics of passive-aggression. Instead of replying with an equally witty and derisive reply or at least the common “don’t worry about it” approach, you post the email in a blog entry and attempt to deride the organization in order to gain readership. I would have guessed that you would have taken this approach, but I assumed as the editor, you were of a higher class than the writer (rather than one-in-the-same). Excluding the fact, that your new entry was highly amateurish and of the literary level I would expect from an 8th Grader, it was actually quite humorous at some points. The humor did not extend, however, into the title of the entry or the caption under that entirely too old image of me; the middle finger/finger jousting comparison has been around longer than the amount of time you last were in contact with a person of the opposite gender,
and the rhyming of a profanity with Gluck is equally as old considering it has been used by drill instructors in the military with members of my family for generations, and I used a portmanteau and satire of the like sounds in my campaign for class president (I didn’t run on a finger jousting platform, though I am sure you guys would have gotten a kick out of that, and I did win).

Blabbering fool with a dull tongue? I actually thought the allusions were quite amusing like a Dennis Miller sketch but with apropos verbosity in accordance with your level of education (or so I inferred from the diction and syntax of your articles). That all was just to have some fun and nothing truly offensive; it was too corny to
be, and I was just pointing out that your article could have at least taken a neutral position instead of a poor commentarial one. Splicing up my letter to suit your purposes though was a little under-handed and what about “the ability to stop the war in Iraq?” What bearing do your political policies have in relation to this topic? Your article is full of more ad hominem, ad ignorantiam, and attempts to change the subject than an attorney’s cross-examination.

I do however appreciate your statement that “everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is” and at least giving it some value as “thumb wrestling 2.0.” I do believe it has a higher value and substance than your journalism since journalism is displaying already created or occurred content to the masses, and this is original in itself. What’s more amazing is that you posted this and put it on the blog’s homepage; there must be very little going on in the sports world today, or you guys are fresh out of anything interesting;
maybe you just didn’t score that interview with Barry Bonds? Any real sports journalism website would either have not even bothered to send back a reply or just sent a “you are lame” email instead of trying to make a giant news story out of it. Heck, I haven’t even mentioned this on our website. What would the title be anyways: “Asinine Amateur Sports Blog Poorly Derides Finger Jousting.” I am pretty sure our readers would just laugh at your article as garrulous garbage; the other games you mentioned are pretty laughable but ultimate Frisbee is a growing sport, and you had some backlash by players in your article on it. Seriously though, by posting it up there, you really are only helping us out by garnering more hits to our site and really “all press is good press.”

Do I consider myself a humanitarian? Of course, I do not. I try my best to help out my fellow man through service in the Air Force Auxiliary, state house of representatives, school, and community service (as well as other members of the Federation do as well)-and through the slice of revenue sent by the WFJF to help out these causes rather than paying for items I could use-but I am no humanitarian. I wish I could send you the picture of the child with muscular dystrophy that we helped out this year though. It is some pretty powerful imagery. Thank you for your time and may the joust be with you!

Cordially,
Julian R. Gluck
The Lord of the Joust
President of the WFJF
www.FingerJoust.com

Sportscolumn Translation: “My name is Julian Gluck. I finger joust with other men and I have never touched a woman.”

Categories
General Sports

Can someone please send Miss South Carolina over to the Sports Action Team studio again?

We don’t know what the hell the Sports Action Team is, but we’ve spent enough drunken late nights in front of the TV to recognize that guy in the middle. Oh, what’s his name? He’s that hilariously creepy looking guy that hangs out with a perverted cursing dog…no, not K-Fed…not A-Rod…oh, yea, Conan O’Brien. That’s it!

Oh, we hate when people with garlicky odored hyperhydrosis shake our hands. Yuck!

Categories
All Other Sports

When good promotions go bad you get this

The next time you’re taking in a sporting event and some loser with a microphone comes over and invites you to “play a game” on the field or court, don’t let your excitement get the best of you. They might offer you lavish prizes, but you must resist. And if they ever, and we mean ever, try to put a blindfold on you, just start running like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Of course, take the blindfold off first.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Ashley Could…Go…All…The…Wait Ashley! Stop Ashley!!!

Categories
All Other Sports

Hey, finger jousters of America, we’ve got a finger for ya’



Don’t f**k with the Gluck!

While we love traditional sports like baseball, football, hockey and basketball, we also love to get out and hunt down those underground `extreme’ sports that are taking the country by storm. Of course, by extreme we mean total wastes of energy.

We’ve shown you extreme backjumping, ferrett legging, Japanese pen spinning, ultimate Frisbee and the National Xtreme Baseball League, but our absolute favorite (and by favorite we mean most disturbing) is finger jousting. However, we quickly learned that the only things stranger than some of these whacky sports are the even whackier people behind these whacky sports. Like Julian R. Gluck, aka The Lord of the Joust. Gluck is the president of the World Finger Jousting Federation and is exactly the kind of loser that takes his ridiculous “sport” and himself way, way too seriously.

Dear Sports Column:

I have to say that I found your article on finger jousting entitled “Those who can’t play real sports turn to ‘finger jousting’ for excitement” very interesting: about as interesting as watching a Hoover Vacuum Commercial except your article sucks more, is free, and unlike the commercial your article has no novelty value; kind of like a pet rock that’s been chiseled into the likeness of Steven Segal.

I heard public school systems are now using your article in Sex Education classes as a contraceptive instead of abstinence, because your article has a better chance of making a person unexcited and flaccid than wearing x-ray glasses while watching the Gilmore Girls, and friends can makes fun of students for being abstinent but not for reading your article.

Oh, but Gluck is so much more than just a blabbering fool with a dull tongue. See, his efforts are actually changing lives or so he says. By his account, finger jousting, which is “inherently of a higher value and original substance,” has the ability to virtually stop the war in Iraq. And don’t forget for a second who’s at the heart of this.

This is an entirely teenager run
organization with myself doing around 95% of everything. Considering that I started this venture at fourteen years of age, and it has grown significantly larger and has been able to help out with these charities and make a positive impact in the lives of some kids, I think that’s something pretty important.

Listen, if you want to trick yourself into believing that holding hands and trying to poke each other is a meaningful cause then have it. Everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is. Just don’t expect us to fall for the “inherently high value and substance” line of B.S. that you’re dishing out. You’re no humanitarian and this stupid gimmick is no vehicle for “making a positive impact.” Call it what it is, thumb wrestling 2.0.

Categories
Detroit Tigers

The Full Count: The Tigers looked grrr-eat!


1. Statement Win: The Tigers’ win on Monday gave them a series win over the Yankees as well as some confidence. They crushed New York 16-0, scoring runs in each of the first five innings. The Tigers had seven players with multi-hit games and 20 hits overall in the rout. Brandon Inge had four RBIs, while Curtis Granderson and Placido Polanco each had two runs and two RBIs. The Tigers’ pitching was excellent too, as Justin Verlander shut down the majors’ highest-scoring team. Verlander went seven innings, giving up three hits and no runs, in what was his best start since June. Despite the win the Tigers are still 2.5 games back of the Indians, who beat the Twins 8-3. However, that could change quickly, as the Tigers have some momentum going into nine straight games against losing teams. The Yankees, who are now 8 games behind Boston, start a three-game set with the Red Sox on Tuesday.

2. Closing the Gap: Jake Peavy helped the Padres narrow the gap with the Diamondbacks as the teams began a four-game set. The Padres drew within two games of Arizona after their 3-1 victory. Peavy threw 7 innings, allowing three hits and one run and striking out 11. He picked up his 15th win of the season, tying Tim Hudson for the NL lead. Peavy also neared 200 strikeouts on the season (197) and lowered his ERA to 2.18. The Padres have an enormously important stretch of games over the next two weeks. They will face the Diamondbacks six more times, in addition to six games with the Dodgers and three with the Rockies.

3. You’re fired: Two years removed from back-to-back NLCS appearances, Astros manager Phil Garner and GM Tim Purpura were fired on Monday. Garner, who posted a 277-252 record in four years with Houston, will be replaced by Cecil Cooper as skipper. The 58-73 Astros are in last place despite playing in the league’s worst division. The team made the World Series in 2005, then sputtered to an 82-80 record last season. Cooper, a former five-time All Star with the Brewers, has managerial experience in AAA but not in the majors. The decision to fire Garner is certainly questionable (is he really responsible for the team not being able to hit?). However, when you’re in last place, any kind of change is good.

Player of the Day: John Lackey, Angels: 9 innings, no runs, five strikeouts in a 6-0 win over Seattle. Lackey has posted back-to-back shutouts his last two starts against the Mariners.

Categories
College Football

Mack Brown gets another decade tacked onto his contract

Get ready for a whole lot more of Mack Brown wearing burnt orange because it looks like the Longhorns head coach will be receiving a new contract for an additional 10 years later today. Brown has already put in a decade of work in Austin and is currently making about $2.6 million with an even $100,000 raise per year. This new deal should vault him up into the $3 million per year range. Not too shabby for a guy who used to have a bounty on his head because he couldn’t win the big games.

Vince Young should be receiving his thank you card in the mail any day now.

Links:

[ESPN.com]: Source: Texas coach Brown to be extended through 2017

Categories
General Sports

Beauty and the beast: Gisele joins Mark Cuban on Dancing with the Stars


On Monday, we told you about how Mark Cuban’s appearance on Dancing with the Stars was going to be a total disaster, but a disaster that we were going to be glued to the tube for. Well, now it looks like the show just got a whole lot sexier…and sportier.

Of course, we gotta deal with the sexy first. Tom Brady’s super boo Gisele Bundchen is also being mentioned as a possible contestant though ABC has yet to reveal the actual list. We love the choice if this is true; after all, there is no such thing as too much Bundchen. And with that dumbass Cubes trying to cut a rug every week, we’re going to need some eye candy to help us overcome.

While nothing can top the excitement of having Gisele come to prime time TV, there are a few more sporting icons that will soon be donning glitter and sequence as they cha-cha-cha. Indy champ Helio Castroneves, boxing great Floyd Merriweather Jr., and Mr. Mean and Green himself, Lou Ferrigno, will also be on the show.

Hopefully one season they change the scheduling of this show so that Chad Johnson can get into the mix now that the NFL is cracking down on the end zone celebrations. Until then we’ll be stuck with other dancers like these unconfirmed celebrities: Aaron Carter, Wayne Newton, Jane Seymour, Tori Spelling, Jennie Garth, Nia Peeples and Sabrina Bryan. See you on September 24 when Cuban gets schooled by a wax sculpture…oh, wait, that’s Wayne Newton.

Links:

[BostonHerald.com]: Gisele really does have the legs of a dancer