All Other Sports

The godfather of finger jousting has absolutely no life

Dear Sports Column:

I must say that I enjoy your tactics of passive-aggression. Instead of replying with an equally witty and derisive reply or at least the common “don’t worry about it” approach, you post the email in a blog entry and attempt to deride the organization in order to gain readership. I would have guessed that you would have taken this approach, but I assumed as the editor, you were of a higher class than the writer (rather than one-in-the-same). Excluding the fact, that your new entry was highly amateurish and of the literary level I would expect from an 8th Grader, it was actually quite humorous at some points. The humor did not extend, however, into the title of the entry or the caption under that entirely too old image of me; the middle finger/finger jousting comparison has been around longer than the amount of time you last were in contact with a person of the opposite gender,
and the rhyming of a profanity with Gluck is equally as old considering it has been used by drill instructors in the military with members of my family for generations, and I used a portmanteau and satire of the like sounds in my campaign for class president (I didn’t run on a finger jousting platform, though I am sure you guys would have gotten a kick out of that, and I did win).

Blabbering fool with a dull tongue? I actually thought the allusions were quite amusing like a Dennis Miller sketch but with apropos verbosity in accordance with your level of education (or so I inferred from the diction and syntax of your articles). That all was just to have some fun and nothing truly offensive; it was too corny to
be, and I was just pointing out that your article could have at least taken a neutral position instead of a poor commentarial one. Splicing up my letter to suit your purposes though was a little under-handed and what about “the ability to stop the war in Iraq?” What bearing do your political policies have in relation to this topic? Your article is full of more ad hominem, ad ignorantiam, and attempts to change the subject than an attorney’s cross-examination.

I do however appreciate your statement that “everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is” and at least giving it some value as “thumb wrestling 2.0.” I do believe it has a higher value and substance than your journalism since journalism is displaying already created or occurred content to the masses, and this is original in itself. What’s more amazing is that you posted this and put it on the blog’s homepage; there must be very little going on in the sports world today, or you guys are fresh out of anything interesting;
maybe you just didn’t score that interview with Barry Bonds? Any real sports journalism website would either have not even bothered to send back a reply or just sent a “you are lame” email instead of trying to make a giant news story out of it. Heck, I haven’t even mentioned this on our website. What would the title be anyways: “Asinine Amateur Sports Blog Poorly Derides Finger Jousting.” I am pretty sure our readers would just laugh at your article as garrulous garbage; the other games you mentioned are pretty laughable but ultimate Frisbee is a growing sport, and you had some backlash by players in your article on it. Seriously though, by posting it up there, you really are only helping us out by garnering more hits to our site and really “all press is good press.”

Do I consider myself a humanitarian? Of course, I do not. I try my best to help out my fellow man through service in the Air Force Auxiliary, state house of representatives, school, and community service (as well as other members of the Federation do as well)-and through the slice of revenue sent by the WFJF to help out these causes rather than paying for items I could use-but I am no humanitarian. I wish I could send you the picture of the child with muscular dystrophy that we helped out this year though. It is some pretty powerful imagery. Thank you for your time and may the joust be with you!

Julian R. Gluck
The Lord of the Joust
President of the WFJF

Sportscolumn Translation: “My name is Julian Gluck. I finger joust with other men and I have never touched a woman.”

All Other Sports

Hey, finger jousters of America, we’ve got a finger for ya’

Don’t f**k with the Gluck!

While we love traditional sports like baseball, football, hockey and basketball, we also love to get out and hunt down those underground `extreme’ sports that are taking the country by storm. Of course, by extreme we mean total wastes of energy.

We’ve shown you extreme backjumping, ferrett legging, Japanese pen spinning, ultimate Frisbee and the National Xtreme Baseball League, but our absolute favorite (and by favorite we mean most disturbing) is finger jousting. However, we quickly learned that the only things stranger than some of these whacky sports are the even whackier people behind these whacky sports. Like Julian R. Gluck, aka The Lord of the Joust. Gluck is the president of the World Finger Jousting Federation and is exactly the kind of loser that takes his ridiculous “sport” and himself way, way too seriously.

Dear Sports Column:

I have to say that I found your article on finger jousting entitled “Those who can’t play real sports turn to ‘finger jousting’ for excitement” very interesting: about as interesting as watching a Hoover Vacuum Commercial except your article sucks more, is free, and unlike the commercial your article has no novelty value; kind of like a pet rock that’s been chiseled into the likeness of Steven Segal.

I heard public school systems are now using your article in Sex Education classes as a contraceptive instead of abstinence, because your article has a better chance of making a person unexcited and flaccid than wearing x-ray glasses while watching the Gilmore Girls, and friends can makes fun of students for being abstinent but not for reading your article.

Oh, but Gluck is so much more than just a blabbering fool with a dull tongue. See, his efforts are actually changing lives or so he says. By his account, finger jousting, which is “inherently of a higher value and original substance,” has the ability to virtually stop the war in Iraq. And don’t forget for a second who’s at the heart of this.

This is an entirely teenager run
organization with myself doing around 95% of everything. Considering that I started this venture at fourteen years of age, and it has grown significantly larger and has been able to help out with these charities and make a positive impact in the lives of some kids, I think that’s something pretty important.

Listen, if you want to trick yourself into believing that holding hands and trying to poke each other is a meaningful cause then have it. Everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is. Just don’t expect us to fall for the “inherently high value and substance” line of B.S. that you’re dishing out. You’re no humanitarian and this stupid gimmick is no vehicle for “making a positive impact.” Call it what it is, thumb wrestling 2.0.

All Other Sports

Those who can’t play real sports turn to "finger jousting" for excitement

If you thought that ESPN’s coverage of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” was completely ridiculous, just be happy that they didn’t bring you coverage of the World Finger Jousting Federation. We know it sounds completely stupid, but it actually exists and while we could explain the rules of the game to you, frankly, we’d be totally embarrassed to admit that we know `em. So, watch this and figure it out for yourself…if you can stop laughing at these idiots for taking themselves so seriously.

C’mon guys, this is pathetic! What’s next? Are you going to try and tell me that Ultimate Frisbee is a real sport too?!


[Awful Announcing]: Introducing To The Masses…Finger Jousting