Author: clay

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All Other Sports

High school coaches of America gone wild



Homer might be a complete idiot,
but he’d never act like these idiots!

The fall season is just around the corner and for some high school coaches that means that all the hard work is fixing to pay off and the fun is about to begin. Unfortunately, this past weekend was a pretty bad time to be a HS coach…well, only if the coaches are drunks or molesters.

Four assistant football coaches in South Carolina were dismissed from their coaching duties after they got busted drinking on the job. Apparently the quartet was boozing it up on Thursday night as they were getting the field up to par and somebody turned `em in. Now, this is a lot better than taking swigs of Listerine in the bathroom during normal school hours and then getting your teach on, but a rule is a rule and these guys will be watching their team’s games from the stands because of it.

But one jerk who deserves no sympathy for his actions is 77-year-old former softball coach Edwin Coughenhour who got slapped with a lawsuit by a former player claiming that she was sexually exploited by the dirty old man. The suit states that Coughenhour had “repeated, offensive and inappropriate acts of sexual contact” with her. The guy is finishing up a 30-day stint in jail after copping to two counts of simple assault as a plea in exchange for the county dropping four counts of sexual exploitation. The sicko admits to lifting the girl’s shirt and slapping her on the butt during a May 2006 practice.

We would figure that being a coach has got to be one of the most rewarding jobs on the planet, but when you see all the inappropriate activity that goes on, it kinda puts a damper on the whole philosophy that coaches are “teaching the youth of today to be the leaders of tomorrow.” Hell, there’s really only one HS coach left in America that we are still completely envious of…hers.

Links:

[WISTV.com]: Four high school football coaches dismissed for drinking
[WHOTV.com]: Former high school softball player sues coach, school

Categories
Pittsburgh Steelers

Pittsburgh Steelers fans already hate the team’s newest member

There’s been tons of news coming out of Pittsburgh this preseason. The fake Ben Roethlisberger got sentenced to 90 days in jail and five years probation. The real Ben Roethlisberger hooked up with a hottie. Steely McBeam visited a children’s hospital. The team’s hotel demands got leaked to the press. Wait, WTF, who’s Steely McBeam??

Apparently we’ve been spending a little too much time in the gym (you should see our deltoids) and not enough time keeping up with our professional mascots because the Steelers got themselves a loser in foam outfit to call their very own. While Chuck Noll is probably rolling over in his grave, as Charles Barkley would say, we’re glad that the franchise decided to get a little more fan friendly. Unfortunately, their method involves a giant Muppet that looks like a yellow Lego and is named Steely freakin’ McBeam!

Luckily, the people of Pittsburgh are embarrassed about the whole fiasco and are already demanding that the mascot with an eerie resemblance to Bill Cowher has gotsta go. So, they’ve started a petition that will hopefully rid the earth of McBeam once and for all.

We the members of Steeler Nation, are now embarrassed. The name Steely McBeam is a terrible choice for naming our new mascot. It does not represent the toughness of our city or of our team. Look in the stands during a game and you will see we are our own cheerleaders and some fans are our own mascot. If it were up to Steeler Nation we would remove the mascot altogether, especially since it looks like Bill Cowher.

Those who have signed the petition below, would like the name to be changed by a vote by the fans, or have the mascot removed for good.

And you thought that Seattle was humiliated by their mascot.

Links:

[PetitionSpot.com]: End of Steely McBeam

Categories
College Football

Reading a college football schedule just got easier, if that’s even possible



If this is too confusing then we can dumb it down
for ya.

Men are a visual species who typically want everything to be relayed to them in the most basic, cavemanesque methods possible. The last thing any real man wants to do is read, right? Words have their place and all, but if we can obtain all the info we need in a picture then that allows more time for important things like staring at the big, glossy pictures of Jessica Alba in one of those random men’s magazines that are all the rage right now. See, we don’t even know what trashy publication we’re reading because we’re too focused on the exposed skin!

So, we were totally thrilled to come across this sweet Excel spreadsheet that makes life, oh, so much easier. Not because the entire college football season is all in one place and right at our fingertips, but because instead of using those damn, annoying words like “Florida State” or “Oregon,” there’s a nice little picture of the team’s helmet!

Just think of all the time you’ll save this season because there will be no more encoding and decoding the messages that normally accompanies a schedule. There’s going to be a whole lot more time spent staring at the picture box now that you won’t be bothered with the time consuming process of reading phrases such as “Nebraska at Texas.” So, thanks to whoever wasted hours of their life creating this bad boy just so we can waste more hours of our life doing virtually nothing. We’re putting this right up there with the Michael Vick dog toy as the football fan’s must-haves for the season.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: The Guy Who Invented This Is An Evil Genius
[Cobra Brigade]: You Want a NCAA Football Schedule

Categories
All Other Sports

Athletes have some big mouths and we are so thankful for it

Sports are best known for the drama, spectacle and pure athleticism that surround the competition, but there’s another reason that we watch sports and it has nothing to do with offense, defense or special teams. It has to do with the whacky stuff that comes outta athletes’ mouths nowadays. We’d love to say that we’ve spent hours pouring over all the post game interviews, tv appearances and press conferences that have transpired over the years, but, of course, ESPN beat us to the punch. So, here are the Top 10 One Liners in sports history:

Hey, we’re usually not big fans of the SportsCenter losers, but if there hard work gets us outta the office a little earlier today then we’ve gotta give a Stu Scott sized shout-out to our new homies in Connecticut. So, this is for you guys: “BOOOOOOOOOO-YAAAAAAA!!”

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Even more reason to hate Michael Vick: he’s a member of Al Qaeda!!


Okay, the lawsuits in this country have gotten completely out of control! If you’ve got a dollar to your name nowadays it’s certain that some penniless, pathetic bastard is going to find a douche bag lawyer and slap you with some frivolous charges. Maybe you’ll get accused of spitting on someone or maybe you’ll get accused of ruining someone’s life. Or if you’re a dog murdering NFL quarterback then you’ll get accused of stealing pit bulls and selling them on eBay in order to purchase missiles from the Iran government!

Sure, it sounds farfetched but it’s true. But the grounds for the lawsuit aren’t even the best part; the man filing the suit, Jonathan Lee Riches, is an inmate at the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina and he’s asking for $63,000,000,000 in damages!!!!!! Nope, that’s not a misprint, that’s $63 billion with a capital “B”.

According to the suit, Vick allegedly stole a pair of pit bulls from Riches’ Holiday, Fla., home and then used the dogs to fight at his notorious house in Virginia. Vick supposedly then took the pooches and instead of electrocuting or putting a bullet through their heads, like he normally does, decided to sell them on eBay for missile money. It might sound strange at first, but it all makes sense once Riches explains that Vick needs the missiles because he became a member of Al Qaeda this past February.

We agree that Vick is a sicko, but a member of Al Qaeda might be pushing it a bit. It sounds to us like someone hasn’t been taking their medications.

Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.

Further claims against Vick include stealing Riches’ identity to open credit card accounts at Pets Mart and Doggie Warehouse in order to buy dog food, and violating copyright laws by using Riches’ “copyright name on his personal football outfit and casual clothing” without paying for the use. Oh, and Riches accuses Vick of subjecting him to “microwave testing.”

We didn’t think it was possible, but this makes Vick’s whole story about the water bottle/jewelry box seem a lot less far fetched.

Links:

[FoxNews.com]: South Carolina Inmate Hits Michael Vick With `$63,000,000,000 Billion Dollar’ Lawsuit Alleging Al Qaeda Ties
[Sports Law Blog]: Iran-Vick Affair? Michael Vick Sued for $63 Billion

Categories
Washington Redskins

Lorenzo Alexander’s bloody accident earns him a sweet new moniker

In case you weren’t watching the preseason game between the Titans and Redskins on Saturday (and if you weren’t: how dare you!) there was a wild play towards the end of the game in which Washington defensive tackle Lorenzo Alexander sacked Titans QB Tim Rattay. What makes the play so crazy is that Alexander lost his helmet during his pursuit and as he tackled Rattay, he took a nasty shot from safety Reed Doughty that left him feeling lightheaded with slashes to his lip and cheek that unbelievably required just six stitches to close up.

The first thing I checked for was my teeth,” Alexander said after a Tuesday morning walk-through. “All of them were there, so I was real happy about that. My mom was real happy that I had all my teeth, too.

But the beat down wasn’t for nothing because Alexander ended up receiving a really cool nickname as a result of his wounds: Scarface. If you missed the helmetless tackle then here’s a clip with what very well could be a future Monday Night Football announcer calling the action.

His head is not healthy right now. Why did he do that? He’s probably bleeding. He probably smacked his head open.

Watch your back Jaws, this lady is coming for your job!

Links:

[HamptonRoads.com]: `Scarface’ Alexander makes his mark as a hit man

Categories
Soccer

David Beckham finally bends it in America

So, David Beckham has official conquered America as he scored his first MLS goal on Wednesday night to lead the L.A. Galaxy to a 2-0 win over D.C. United. Everyone can breathe a collective sigh of relief now that the Barry Bondsesque anticipation has finally subsided. And if anyone needs to take a deep inhale after the historic moment, it’s that crazy Spanish announcer dude who just starts screaming anytime someone kicks the ball into the net. If you can block out the annoying ESPN talking head during this clip then you’ll hear exactly what we mean.

This guy has been yelling “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOL” for years now, but we can’t help but be impressed every time we hear it. No offense to the American commentators who called the game, but you guys totally suck butt in comparison.

Categories
Tennessee Titans

Pacman Jones continues to surprise us with his career choices


Pacman Jones has been a helluva lot more productive off the field than on it since he made the jump from college to the pros and we’re not just talking about his criminal activities either. Since being suspended from the NFL for his cornucopia of arrests, not only has Jones semi started a professional wrasslin’ career, but now he’s getting ready to kick off an attempt at becoming the next Jay-Z.

Pacman owns a record label named National Street League Records and he announced on Wednesday that he’ll be joining a producer named Spoaty to form the dynamic rap duo known as Posterboyz! And if you thought that there was a frenzy when the latest Madden game hit the shelves, just wait until you see the lines that form outside your local Best Buy on August 27 when their first single entitled “Let It Shine” drops. And like most rap joints, this one is supposed to about “big money, cars and jewelry.” What, no lyrics inspired by politics, the stock market and fine china? Damn, Pacman, we thought you were a lot deeper than those typical hip hoppers.

Oh, but, just because Pacman isn’t wearing a pair of matching metal bracelets doesn’t mean that he’s not still getting into trouble.

Officials are looking into whether or not the record label’s name, National Street League Records, infringes on the league’s trademark, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said.

Jones just can’t get a break. People don’t want him playing football, they don’t want him to wrestle and now there’s trouble brewing about him making music. But we’ve got a feeling that the NFL could save themselves a lot of trouble by just letting this whole infringement thing slide. After all, if Pacman is anything like his NBA clone Ron Artest behind the mic then it won’t be long until he destroys his own musical aspirations and all the trademarks that go along with ’em.

Links:

[MSN.FoxSports.com]: `Pacman’ to give it a go in music

Categories
Kansas City Chiefs

Chiefs training camp just got side-splittingly creepy

We don’t really care what professional athletes do in their spare time as long as it’s not murdering dogs. So, we have absolutely no problem with ballers indulging in the most irresistible temptation of every major city. No, not the local marijuana supply; we’re talking about the city’s fine gentleman’s establishments. However, there are signs that you’re favorite athlete could be spending a little too much time in front of the smoky stage. For starters, they might begin imitating their preferred dancer’s routine. At least that’s what Kansas City Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard did.

Uh, gross…but very entertaining. In fact, we gotta admit that those were some of the sweetest dance moves we’ve seen since the Rangers Ryan Hollweg showed us how his favorite pole dancer gets down:

Links:

[TheBigLead.com]: Dancin’ in the Locker Room, Electric Boogaloo

Categories
All Other Sports

Jose Offerman charged the mound and then got charged with assault


Former MLBer and current Long Island Ducks shortstop Jose Offerman was arrested on Tuesday night after he went ballistic and attacked Bridgeport Bluefish pitcher Matt Beech with his bat following a beaning in the second inning.

The game started off pretty good for Offerman as he homered in the first inning, but a fastball to the calf in the second caused Offerman to charge the mound, bat in hand, and a major league fight broke out in the minors. Offerman was charged with a second-degree assault and reportedly got out of the pokey after posting the $10,000 bond.

He hit him with a cut fastball in the left calf,” Bluefish manager Tommy John said. “And the next thing you know, Offerman’s going to the mound with his bat over his head taking swings at Beech. He took at least two, maybe even three [swings].

Luckily, the only thing that was seriously injured in the scuffle was Offerman’s integrity. The focus of Offerman’s fury escaped the assault with a broken middle finger on his non-throwing hand, but catcher John Nathans ended up being an unintentional victim in the whole ordeal as he went home sporting symptoms of a concussion.

It may have only been John Nathans taking one on the backswing in the head to have saved Matt Beech from really taking one in the face,” said Bluefish pitcher Mike Porzio.

Listen, we love a good dust-up as much as the next guy, but is this baseball or a reenactment of the infamous brawl in The Warriors? Whatever happened to simply charging the mound and matching fists with the guy? Maybe Offerman was afraid something like this would happen.

Links:

[NewsDay.com]: Ducks’ Offerman, wielding bat, attacks pitcher