Author: clay

Categories
New York Knicks

Stephon Marbury just can’t shut up


So, we were sitting there watching SportsCenter as they ran a package of reactions from the sports world on the Michael Vick guilty plea when suddenly Stephon Marbury popped up on the screen. Immediately our ears perked up and we inched to the edge of our seats to make sure we were ready for the next Marbury verbal A-Bomb to be dropped. We weren’t disappointed.

We don’t say anything about people shooting deers and shooting other animals, you know what I mean?” Marbury said in an interview that was aired by Capital 9 News in Albany. “From what I hear, dogfighting is a sport. It’s just behind closed doors and I think it’s tough that we build Michael Vick up and then we break him down … I think he fell into a bad situation.

Marbury has become a walking, talking punch line and it’s getting really hard to determine if this is a gimmick or if he’s actually devolved into a complete idiot. Perhaps he’s been spending too much time around all the cheap glue used to slap his ugly shoes together or maybe he’s been throwing away his hard earned jack to the Clinton Portis School of Public Speaking. Either way, to casually refer to dogfighting as a “sport” is really pretty sick. Then again, this is the guy who told his gun toting cousin, Sebastian Telfair, to “be careful around Kevin McHale.” McHale might be a horrible GM, but nobody in Minnesota had to wear Kevlar vests before Sea Bass came to town.

Links:

[NewsDay.com]: Marbury defends Vick calling him a “good human being”

Categories
NBA General

Eddie Griffin identified by dental records in car/train collision


It’s been obvious for years that the former Minnesota Timberwolve Eddie Griffin was battling some serious demons in his life and it is possible that he committed suicide on Friday, August 17, when he drove his SUV into a moving train in Texas. The 25-year-old died upon impact but because of a horrible fire that resulted from the crash, there was no way to identify the body until investigators began using dental records.

There is no doubt that Griffin was one of the most talented players in the 2001 NBA Draft; just ask the Houston Rockets. They traded off Jason Collins, Brandon Armstrong and Richard Jefferson for the 7th pick out of Seton Hall. But his on-the-court talent wasn’t able to compete with his off-the-court troubles as alcoholism, violence and bizarre behavior began to take control of the 6-10, 240 lbs. forward. In 2006, Griffin was involved in another peculiar car crash as he hit an SUV while watching pornography and masturbating.

It’s been a tumultuous life for Griffin to say the least, and hopefully he’s in a better place now. And for all you other citizens who share the Eddie Griffin name, please be careful the next time you get behind the wheel. The road is not kind to Eddie Griffins.

Links:

[NBC11.com]: NBA Player Griffin Killed In Train Crash

Categories
NFL General

ESPN’s fantasy football draft bombs before it even goes live

When it comes to news about the NFL, ESPN is usually a pretty accurate channel to turn to. However, when it comes to the world of fantasy football, we’ve learned that it’s better to just skip out on the juggernaut’s advice or, at least, their fantasy draft specials.

Tonight at 6:30 CT, ESPN will be conducting their annual live fantasy draft and they’ve assembled another panel of boring “celebrity” blah to completely misguide you. This year’s drafters consist of the following ‘experts’: Cato June, Sean Salisbury, Mark Schlereth (aka Roc Hoover), Steve Young, Chris Mortensen, Michael Smith, Nick Bakay and Jerry O’Connell. Guess ESPN used up all their quality star connections in those stupid Who’s Now segments.

Listen, we know that most of these guys know their football, but that doesn’t mean they know their fantasy football. After all, Mortensen took Reggie Bush at No. 6 overall last year and Mike Ditka took the Bears defense in the fourth round! If that’s not pure homerism then we don’t know what is. And two years ago, Suzy Kolber dished out the worst advice in fantasy history when she took Brett Favre with her first pick! Sorry guys, but this crappy show just isn’t worth our valuable time or the 1.5% of our DVR’s memory that would be wasted to record it.

But now that we’ve mentioned lil’ Suzy, there’s no way we could not show her other career defining moment:

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: ESPN “Celebrity” Fantasy Football League Filled With Big Names

Categories
Soccer

What’s that smell? Oh, it’s just soccer

Frankly, we just don’t get the obsession that some people have with soccer, but if you replace the soccer game that’s being shown in this commercial with a NFL game between the Raiders and the Browns and we’re in the exact same position.

And considering that most Saturdays are spent tailgating with copious amounts of greasy meat and adult beverages being consumed, this slice of life is pretty accurate for the Sportscolumn crew’s fall Sundays.

Categories
All Other Sports

Volleyball player passed physical just two days before giving birth, murdering baby


We don’t usually report on women’s college volleyball, but we’re going to make an exception for this eerie and disturbing tale out of Mercyhurst College in Erie, PA. On Monday, police revealed that an 18-year-old team member was administered a physical and cleared to play volleyball just two days before she gave birth!

Apparently the girl had been concealing the pregnancy and did such a good job that she somehow passed her physical. The baby was born on August 12, just one day after the mother participated in a “light workout.” She even denied the pregnancy to police and doctors after one of her coaches took her to the hospital for severe bleeding following the birth of the child. Unfortunately, when authorities arrived at the girl’s apartment, the baby girl was found dead of asphyxiation. The county coroner was unsure if the baby had been put in a plastic bag or simply smothered. Investigations are currently underway to discover if the mother actually knew she was pregnant; 39 ½ weeks to be exact.

This whole tale is pretty sickening, but we can’t figure out what we’re more disgusted by: the murdering mom or the lackadaisical physical. Obviously the girl deserves to go to jail for a long, long time for her blatant disregard of human life, but whoever conducted the examinations prior to her clearance has to be held accountable as well. It’s not like the sperm had just cracked the egg here; this chick was over nine months pregnant! We’d normally say just ferret leg `em both and be done with it, but this is one of those cases where we’d much prefer to see a long painful jail sentence as opposed to the quick cries of anguish we usually so thoroughly enjoy.

Links:

[Philly.com]: Passed physical, then she gave birth

Categories
Washington Wizards

DeShawn Stevenson claims to have slept through shootout at his crib


As if David Stern didn’t already have enough on his plate with the contamination of his league by a crooked ref, the commish now has a shooting at DeShawn Stevenson’s Orlando home to deal with.

The Washington Wizards’ guard was supposedly asleep in his gated community home early Monday morning after an evening of clubbin’ ended with Stevenson and some of his boys bringing home some sluts women from the club. According to witnesses, the group was followed into the gated suburban community by a Cadillac Escalade and the driver of the Caddy got into an argument with one of the hos patrons from the club before opening fire. During the rain of gunfire, bullets tore up Stevenson’s Lexus SUV, his BMW and his crib, but Stevenson’s crew claims that they simply ran into the house and never returned fire. Apparently, the group of, uh, groupies just vanished into the night in their hooker heels and exposing outfits.

But, like always, something isn’t adding up in this high profile crime because Stevenson’s entourage is saying they never fired any weapons at the vehicle, but investigators found blood on one of the cars and bullet casings in the driveway. And about 30 minutes after the shootout, a man named Curtis Ruff drove up to a hospital in an Escalade with gunshot wounds to his leg. Ruff refused to cooperate, but the authorities feel pretty confident that he’s the dude they’re looking for. Well, duh!

However, either this guy decided to blast himself in the leg or he’s a worse shot than Harry from Dumb and Dumber OR DeShawn’s boys are lying about the return fire. We’re guessing it’s the latter. And what makes this even more suspicious is that nobody involved in the incident wanted to press charges. Now, we know that rich athletes are a completely different breed of people than us, but we can guarantee that if someone starts shooting up our home then we’re going after his ass. We’re guessing that like Michael Vick and all the other liars in the world of sports, Stevenson will eventually come out with a completely different story regarding the incident. Because, as of now, this story makes Jayson Williams’ tale of playfully twirling a shotgun before the shooting death of his limo driver seem somewhat plausible.

Links:

[SI.com]: Authorities investigate shooting at NBA star DeShawn Stevenson’s home
[WashingtonPost.com]: Man Shot at Wizard’s Home

Categories
Golf

Blind woman hits hole-in-one…or so she’s told


For all you amateur hackers out there who dream about nailing that perfect shot and writing a “1” on your scorecard, prepare yourself for another devastating blow to your golfing ego. You’ve heard the stories of kids hitting a hole-in-one and old men knocking down an ace, but you’ve never ever heard of a miracle shot story like Sheila Drummond’s. And that’s because she’s the first completely blind female to ever hit a hole-in-one!

Drummond made history on the fourth hole (144-yard, par-3) at the Mahoning Valley Country Club in Lehighton, PA, and the United States Blind Golfers Association have been unable to find any record of another totally blind chick hitting a hole-in-one. The 53-year-old lost her sight 26 years ago to diabetes, but like the superhero Daredevil, it appears to have only enhanced her other senses.

They were saying, ‘It’s a great shot,’ and then I heard it hit the pin,” Drummond said.

Golf Digest published in 1999 that the odds of an amateur sinking a hole-in-one are “1 in 12,750.” They also went on to say, “That number, no doubt rises, for a blind golfer.” Geez, thanks for that bit of blatant obviousness. But what we really want to know is the odds of hitting a one-shotter for non-blind, able-bodied, sports writing hackers like us. Unfortunately, we’ve got a feeling that this broad has better odds of sinking a second no-looker before we even come within ten feet of the hole!

Links:

[CBS4Denver.com]: Blind Woman Hits Historic Hole-In-One

Categories
All Other Sports

A pen and some really fast fingers go a long way in curing a common case of boredom

The dog days of summer are almost over and soon we will kick off the football season and our days will be filled with talk of blowouts, upsets, passing percentages and hard hitting tackles. Unfortunately, we’ve still got some serious time to kill before the helmets start knocking. And that’s why things like the ancient art of pen spinning are still intriguing to us.

Sorry Bobby Badfingers, but you ain’t got nothing on these guys!

Categories
New York Yankees

Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba and possibly the entire world herpes!


In one of the most depressing pieces of news to come across our desks in a long time, it’s being reported by L.A. Rag Mag that Jessica Alba contracted herpes! That’s right, every man’s fantasy supposedly used to pop Valtrex like they were Tic Tacs and what’s worse is that Derek Jeter is the one who allegedly gave her the STD.

While we still refuse to believe that Alba would indulge in sexual activity before marriage, the implications of this news could be disastrous. Holy Candy conducted some in-depth scientific studies and determined that if Jeter indeed had herpes, with his extensive repertoire of high profile arm candy, the disease could have basically infected everyone from super babes like Alba, Jessica Beil and Scarlett Johansson to douche bags like Marky Mark, Justin Timberlake, Eminem and Fez.

And considering the rate at which celebrities fornicate nowadays, this could become a world wide epidemic at any moment. In fact, it won’t be long until someone starts putting together a benefit concert for all the victims of the Derek Jeter herpes tragedy. But from what we hear there have been great advancements in combating the disease. Poison front man Bret Michaels has even put his own health on the line by living in a herpes infested house for the explicit purpose of medical research. Thank you for your bravery Bret.

Links:

[Girls Gone Sports]: Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes

Categories
General Sports

The real beauty of live TV is that it can go so horribly wrong

We’ve all seen some pretty stupendous blunders while watching the sports segment of the news on the local affiliate. Sometimes the sports guy rips a fart and then uncontrollably laughs about his flatulence. Other times they just freeze up and stammer over every word. But then you’ve got those rare times when the blooper isn’t even the reporter’s fault. Of course, that doesn’t make it any less funny.

One note to all you aspiring TV talents out there: turn your mic off when you’re not on-air because we don’t want to ever hear Bob Sports Guy take a live microphone into the can.