Author: clay

Categories
Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban is slapping on his dancin’ shoes


Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has done some crazy things in his day. In fact, it’s getting kinda difficult to determine exactly what has been the low-light (if there is such a thing for a billionaire) of his career so far. There were all those times he ran onto the court during games, and there was that time he started dispensing Blizzards at Dairy Queen. But, to us, the image that is seared into our brains is Cuban crying like baby when he presented Dirk Nowitzki with the MVP trophy. Luckily, Cubes is reclaiming his manhood and dignity with his latest project.

Just like so many twinkle toes before him, Cuban is set to be a contestant on the wildly popular Dancing With the Stars! We’d really, really love to bust Cuban’s balls over this move, but actually we can’t complain because until now we’ve never cared to watch the stupid show. Anyways, when the show kicks off its latest season on September 24, then we’ll have all the ammo we need to completely annihilate him. Call us crazy, but we’re guessing that Cuban makes Kenny Mayne look like Baryshnikov.

Links:

[SI.com]: Cuban joins next cast of Dancing With The Stars

Categories
Toronto Maple Leafs

Stanley Cup ring sits at bottom of Gulf of Mexico for decades before being found



Bling has come a long way since the
late 60s.

If you’re anything like us then you think that those losers with metal detectors combing the beaches and open fields of America are complete douches. But, the sun shines on a dog’s butt every now and then and if someone is willing to spend countless hours hunting for lost treasures then eventually they’ll find something valuable to heap onto the pile of beer can tabs, silverware and rusted screws. Well, a few weeks back, Mark DesErmia became the dog’s butt and a Toronto Maple Leafs’ Stanley Cup ring served as the golden ray of sunshine.

DesErmia was doing some underwater hunting with a water proof metal detector off the shores of Florida when the detector honed in on what turned out to be the 1967-68 championship ring of Toronto right-winger Jim Pappin.

After being traded to the Chicago Blackhawks, Pappin was so disgusted with the Maple Leafs that he cut all ties to the team and gave the ring to his father in law. Peter Kyrzakos wore the ring with pride until one fateful day back in the 1970’s when he lost it while on vacation in Vero Beach, Florida. Fast forward some 30 years later or so and DesErmia finds the ring and is now basically holding it for ransom.

DesErmia said he’s been offered $20,000 for the ring but that he would gladly give it back to Pappin for a reward.

But Pappin seems content to pay up for his own property as long as it comes back home.

What’s amazing is that the guy wants to give it back to me,” he said.

We really do just love a story with a happy ending. Especially one as wild as this; which got us to thinking. We know it’s a long shot, but we lost several of our favorite G.I. Joes on the beaches of California back in 1982, so if anyone comes across `em just give us a ring. Thanks.

Links:

[Hockey Rants]: Sunken Treasure: Leafs Cup Ring
[TSN.ca]: Stanley Cup ring found in Gulf of Mexico

Categories
Soccer

Goal celebrations in soccer just ain’t what they used to be

There is absolutely no way on God’s green earth that anyone knows what a soccer player is going to do next. Heck, we don’t think that they even know what they are doing half the time. Sure, these guys know what to do when the ball is in play, but it’s the post goal celebrations that have us shaking our heads.

According to The Offside, this guy earned a $1,200 fine and a six-month suspension for his undie escapade. If that kind of revelry gets a fella six months then we’re figuring that this `jubilant’ soccer dude got a lifetime ban from the sport following his celebration.

Links:

[The Offside]: Iranian Striker Celebrates Goal by taking off his Pants

Categories
New York Knicks

Stephon Marbury starts flopping like a fish outta water


Apparently Stephon Marbury is somewhat tapped into reality because after having a few days to soak up all of America’s outrage and hate towards him, he’s rethought his comments about Michael Vick’s situation and is currently in damage control mode.

What Michael Vick did was wrong, and he has admitted his guilt,” Marbury said in a statement released by the Knicks to New York newspapers. “He should be punished. However, he should be given a second chance, as others have received for more serious crimes.

And as far as his statements about how “we don’t say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals,” well, he’s backing away from that bomb as well.

There is no list for which animals should be killed and which shouldn’t. I love animals and none of them should be harmed However, we don’t react the same when other animals are being killed for sport or the sake of human pleasure.

We’ve said it before and we’re certain that we’ll be saying it again, but everyone is getting pretty damn sick of athletes (and coaches, that means you Billy Donovan) like Marbury, Kobe Bryant and Clinton Portis making outlandish statements and then expecting that the world is completely gullible when they recant and brush some dirt over their mess. It’s not that hard guys, first you think about the matter at hand, you form an opinion and THEN you speak with the media and intelligently defend your point of view.

Look, if Marbury truly believes that dogfighting is a sport (as outlandish and ridiculous as that concept is) then he should probably just keep it to himself. But he told the world and that’s fine because, after all, we are allowed to think whatever we want in this country. Just don’t expect everyone to forget about your “shoot from the hip” comments because your publicist constructed a phony apology and gave you a sound byte for the media.

Links:

[MSN.FoxSports.com]: Report: Marbury backs off Vick comments

Categories
MLB General

Tim Kurkjian basically wet himself talking about the Rangers-Orioles game

If you thought that the Ranger faithful got excited about Wednesday night’s monumental 30-3 victory in which they rallied from a 3-0 hole, just wait until you get a load of Tim Kurkjian on Baseball Tonight. You can actually hear his inner prepubescent child cry out in elation.

Now, if we could just get Woody Paige to start showing a little on-air zaniness then we’d be set.

Categories
NFL General

Peyton Manning puts in his two cents on Tiki Barber

Apparently the Tiki Barber/Eli Manning feud has reached a point where the normally reserved Peyton Manning has decided to step up to the plate for his little bro. But Peyton didn’t let his sharp tongue sting only Barber as he decided to take a shot at virtually all former players who decide to join the media upon retirement.

Ex-players truly become ex-players right away, the No. 1 job is to criticize players,” said Peyton Manning, who had his ability to lead publicly questioned several years ago by the former Colts place-kicker Mike Vanderjagt. “I’m pretty defensive of all quarterbacks. Eli is my brother. I’m very loyal to my family. I’d rather you criticize me. I don’t think anybody knows what it’s like to be a quarterback except a current quarterback. Sometimes former quarterbacks forget what’s it’s like. You cannot play quarterback at any level — you’re in a leadership position. To do it for three years in high school, three years as a starter in college, taking your team to the playoffs — you are a leader and you’re a good leader.

Manning added: “It’s supposed to be a code, teammates to teammates. That’s the problem we’re going to have with ex-players going to the media. When I retire, I know what I don’t want to do.

Boy, are we relieved to hear that! We were so afraid that Peyton would waste his time in a studio with Chris Berman or Bob Costas after he hung `em up. Hopefully this means that he’ll be focusing on his acting career once his playing days are over.

Links:

[NYTimes.com]: Manning Makes Strong Defense of Manning

Categories
All Other Sports

Those who can’t play real sports turn to "finger jousting" for excitement

If you thought that ESPN’s coverage of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” was completely ridiculous, just be happy that they didn’t bring you coverage of the World Finger Jousting Federation. We know it sounds completely stupid, but it actually exists and while we could explain the rules of the game to you, frankly, we’d be totally embarrassed to admit that we know `em. So, watch this and figure it out for yourself…if you can stop laughing at these idiots for taking themselves so seriously.

C’mon guys, this is pathetic! What’s next? Are you going to try and tell me that Ultimate Frisbee is a real sport too?!

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Introducing To The Masses…Finger Jousting

Categories
New England Patriots

Who’s your daddy? Why, it’s Tom Brady!


Life can’t get much better fro Tom Brady right now. He was just named the world’s best dresser, the Pats have finally assembled a quality receiving core around him, and he’s got a handful of Super Bowl rings. Oh, yea, he’s also dating the smokin’ hot supermodel Gisele Bundchen. In addition, drooling babes from all seven continents now have a new moniker for the hunky signal caller…D.I.L.F.

Brady’s ex, Bridget Moynahan, gave birth to little boy yesterday and Moynahan’s publicist says that both are doing just fine. Brady left the Patriots preseason workouts in order to see the birth of his first child, but it is unknown if he arrived in time. Even if Brady didn’t make it in time to see the sloppy delivery, he still has an entire lifetime ahead of him to bond with his little man. Who knows, in 17 years Brady could end up being his son’s high school quarterbacks coach. Sound crazy? Not if you’re John Elway.

Elway is leaving the comfortable confines of retirement for a job at his son’s Cherry Creek High School. Jack Elway is the senior QB for the squad so it probably doesn’t hurt any to have possibly the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL dishing out advice. Of course, Jack has been hearing his old man repeat the same old stories a thousand times now, so it’s really nothing new.

It’s good,” Jack Elway told The Denver Post. “It’s nice to have him out there, but I’ve actually always had him as a coach at home.

But with all the crazy “little league dads” out there, the head coach of the team has to be worried that there will be eventual problems that could result.

As a coach, you’re trying to not have fathers on your staff,” he said, “but this is a little different deal.

Don’t worry Tom, if you keep racking up the yards, TDs and rings then your kid’s coach will make the exact same exception.

Links:

[Boston.com]: It’s a boy for Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady
[CBS4Denver.com]: Elway To Coach Son In High School As QB Coach

Categories
College Football

Crazy football fan just loves him some Raiders

College football is almost here and we can’t wait until the whole pomp and circumstance of the game kicks off. Lee Corso donning the mascot head, the bands, tailgating, school songs; hell, we love the spectacle as much as the head-knocking and football spiking. But as the race for the national championship prepares for the opening leg, we gotta remember that the game is what it is because of the fans. Without them around, football just wouldn’t be the same.

GOOOOO RAIDERS!!!

Categories
Video Games

Japanese arm wrestling machine opens up a can of whoop ass


Every single day the world of reality and the world of virtual reality blend a little more and with modern technology and creative ingenuity continually breaking new ground there has been an outcry for more interactivity in today’s video games. The Nintendo Wii is a perfect example as players can now experience 18 holes without ever leaving the comfort of their living room. But there is such a thing as being too realistic.

In Japan, 150 interactive arm wrestling games have been wreaking havoc on potential Lincoln Hawks as the mechanical arm that is used in the game has been actually breaking the arms of its human opponents. Three people had their bones snapped by the machine that simulates arm wrestling against various levels of opponents, such as a French maid, a pro wrestler, a sauced up martial arts master and a Chihuahua!

The Distributor Atlus Co. intends to remove the machines from local arcades and will check for malfunctions in the “Arm Spirit” game, but a spokeswoman for the company feels certain that the machine isn’t at fault for the injuries and basically calls the Japanese people puny weaklings.

The machine isn’t that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it,” said Atlus spokeswoman Ayano Sakiyama, calling the recall “a precaution.

Guess people are going to have to return to the old fashioned, non-virtual way of getting their arms busted:

Links:

[CBS11TV.com]: Arm Wrestling Machine Recalled For Breaking Arms