Author: clay

Categories
All Other Sports

The godfather of finger jousting has absolutely no life


Dear Sports Column:

I must say that I enjoy your tactics of passive-aggression. Instead of replying with an equally witty and derisive reply or at least the common “don’t worry about it” approach, you post the email in a blog entry and attempt to deride the organization in order to gain readership. I would have guessed that you would have taken this approach, but I assumed as the editor, you were of a higher class than the writer (rather than one-in-the-same). Excluding the fact, that your new entry was highly amateurish and of the literary level I would expect from an 8th Grader, it was actually quite humorous at some points. The humor did not extend, however, into the title of the entry or the caption under that entirely too old image of me; the middle finger/finger jousting comparison has been around longer than the amount of time you last were in contact with a person of the opposite gender,
and the rhyming of a profanity with Gluck is equally as old considering it has been used by drill instructors in the military with members of my family for generations, and I used a portmanteau and satire of the like sounds in my campaign for class president (I didn’t run on a finger jousting platform, though I am sure you guys would have gotten a kick out of that, and I did win).

Blabbering fool with a dull tongue? I actually thought the allusions were quite amusing like a Dennis Miller sketch but with apropos verbosity in accordance with your level of education (or so I inferred from the diction and syntax of your articles). That all was just to have some fun and nothing truly offensive; it was too corny to
be, and I was just pointing out that your article could have at least taken a neutral position instead of a poor commentarial one. Splicing up my letter to suit your purposes though was a little under-handed and what about “the ability to stop the war in Iraq?” What bearing do your political policies have in relation to this topic? Your article is full of more ad hominem, ad ignorantiam, and attempts to change the subject than an attorney’s cross-examination.

I do however appreciate your statement that “everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is” and at least giving it some value as “thumb wrestling 2.0.” I do believe it has a higher value and substance than your journalism since journalism is displaying already created or occurred content to the masses, and this is original in itself. What’s more amazing is that you posted this and put it on the blog’s homepage; there must be very little going on in the sports world today, or you guys are fresh out of anything interesting;
maybe you just didn’t score that interview with Barry Bonds? Any real sports journalism website would either have not even bothered to send back a reply or just sent a “you are lame” email instead of trying to make a giant news story out of it. Heck, I haven’t even mentioned this on our website. What would the title be anyways: “Asinine Amateur Sports Blog Poorly Derides Finger Jousting.” I am pretty sure our readers would just laugh at your article as garrulous garbage; the other games you mentioned are pretty laughable but ultimate Frisbee is a growing sport, and you had some backlash by players in your article on it. Seriously though, by posting it up there, you really are only helping us out by garnering more hits to our site and really “all press is good press.”

Do I consider myself a humanitarian? Of course, I do not. I try my best to help out my fellow man through service in the Air Force Auxiliary, state house of representatives, school, and community service (as well as other members of the Federation do as well)-and through the slice of revenue sent by the WFJF to help out these causes rather than paying for items I could use-but I am no humanitarian. I wish I could send you the picture of the child with muscular dystrophy that we helped out this year though. It is some pretty powerful imagery. Thank you for your time and may the joust be with you!

Cordially,
Julian R. Gluck
The Lord of the Joust
President of the WFJF
www.FingerJoust.com

Sportscolumn Translation: “My name is Julian Gluck. I finger joust with other men and I have never touched a woman.”

Categories
General Sports

Can someone please send Miss South Carolina over to the Sports Action Team studio again?

We don’t know what the hell the Sports Action Team is, but we’ve spent enough drunken late nights in front of the TV to recognize that guy in the middle. Oh, what’s his name? He’s that hilariously creepy looking guy that hangs out with a perverted cursing dog…no, not K-Fed…not A-Rod…oh, yea, Conan O’Brien. That’s it!

Oh, we hate when people with garlicky odored hyperhydrosis shake our hands. Yuck!

Categories
All Other Sports

When good promotions go bad you get this

The next time you’re taking in a sporting event and some loser with a microphone comes over and invites you to “play a game” on the field or court, don’t let your excitement get the best of you. They might offer you lavish prizes, but you must resist. And if they ever, and we mean ever, try to put a blindfold on you, just start running like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Of course, take the blindfold off first.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Ashley Could…Go…All…The…Wait Ashley! Stop Ashley!!!

Categories
All Other Sports

Hey, finger jousters of America, we’ve got a finger for ya’



Don’t f**k with the Gluck!

While we love traditional sports like baseball, football, hockey and basketball, we also love to get out and hunt down those underground `extreme’ sports that are taking the country by storm. Of course, by extreme we mean total wastes of energy.

We’ve shown you extreme backjumping, ferrett legging, Japanese pen spinning, ultimate Frisbee and the National Xtreme Baseball League, but our absolute favorite (and by favorite we mean most disturbing) is finger jousting. However, we quickly learned that the only things stranger than some of these whacky sports are the even whackier people behind these whacky sports. Like Julian R. Gluck, aka The Lord of the Joust. Gluck is the president of the World Finger Jousting Federation and is exactly the kind of loser that takes his ridiculous “sport” and himself way, way too seriously.

Dear Sports Column:

I have to say that I found your article on finger jousting entitled “Those who can’t play real sports turn to ‘finger jousting’ for excitement” very interesting: about as interesting as watching a Hoover Vacuum Commercial except your article sucks more, is free, and unlike the commercial your article has no novelty value; kind of like a pet rock that’s been chiseled into the likeness of Steven Segal.

I heard public school systems are now using your article in Sex Education classes as a contraceptive instead of abstinence, because your article has a better chance of making a person unexcited and flaccid than wearing x-ray glasses while watching the Gilmore Girls, and friends can makes fun of students for being abstinent but not for reading your article.

Oh, but Gluck is so much more than just a blabbering fool with a dull tongue. See, his efforts are actually changing lives or so he says. By his account, finger jousting, which is “inherently of a higher value and original substance,” has the ability to virtually stop the war in Iraq. And don’t forget for a second who’s at the heart of this.

This is an entirely teenager run
organization with myself doing around 95% of everything. Considering that I started this venture at fourteen years of age, and it has grown significantly larger and has been able to help out with these charities and make a positive impact in the lives of some kids, I think that’s something pretty important.

Listen, if you want to trick yourself into believing that holding hands and trying to poke each other is a meaningful cause then have it. Everybody needs something to believe in, regardless of how ridiculous it is. Just don’t expect us to fall for the “inherently high value and substance” line of B.S. that you’re dishing out. You’re no humanitarian and this stupid gimmick is no vehicle for “making a positive impact.” Call it what it is, thumb wrestling 2.0.

Categories
Detroit Tigers

The Full Count: The Tigers looked grrr-eat!


1. Statement Win: The Tigers’ win on Monday gave them a series win over the Yankees as well as some confidence. They crushed New York 16-0, scoring runs in each of the first five innings. The Tigers had seven players with multi-hit games and 20 hits overall in the rout. Brandon Inge had four RBIs, while Curtis Granderson and Placido Polanco each had two runs and two RBIs. The Tigers’ pitching was excellent too, as Justin Verlander shut down the majors’ highest-scoring team. Verlander went seven innings, giving up three hits and no runs, in what was his best start since June. Despite the win the Tigers are still 2.5 games back of the Indians, who beat the Twins 8-3. However, that could change quickly, as the Tigers have some momentum going into nine straight games against losing teams. The Yankees, who are now 8 games behind Boston, start a three-game set with the Red Sox on Tuesday.

2. Closing the Gap: Jake Peavy helped the Padres narrow the gap with the Diamondbacks as the teams began a four-game set. The Padres drew within two games of Arizona after their 3-1 victory. Peavy threw 7 innings, allowing three hits and one run and striking out 11. He picked up his 15th win of the season, tying Tim Hudson for the NL lead. Peavy also neared 200 strikeouts on the season (197) and lowered his ERA to 2.18. The Padres have an enormously important stretch of games over the next two weeks. They will face the Diamondbacks six more times, in addition to six games with the Dodgers and three with the Rockies.

3. You’re fired: Two years removed from back-to-back NLCS appearances, Astros manager Phil Garner and GM Tim Purpura were fired on Monday. Garner, who posted a 277-252 record in four years with Houston, will be replaced by Cecil Cooper as skipper. The 58-73 Astros are in last place despite playing in the league’s worst division. The team made the World Series in 2005, then sputtered to an 82-80 record last season. Cooper, a former five-time All Star with the Brewers, has managerial experience in AAA but not in the majors. The decision to fire Garner is certainly questionable (is he really responsible for the team not being able to hit?). However, when you’re in last place, any kind of change is good.

Player of the Day: John Lackey, Angels: 9 innings, no runs, five strikeouts in a 6-0 win over Seattle. Lackey has posted back-to-back shutouts his last two starts against the Mariners.

Categories
College Football

Mack Brown gets another decade tacked onto his contract

Get ready for a whole lot more of Mack Brown wearing burnt orange because it looks like the Longhorns head coach will be receiving a new contract for an additional 10 years later today. Brown has already put in a decade of work in Austin and is currently making about $2.6 million with an even $100,000 raise per year. This new deal should vault him up into the $3 million per year range. Not too shabby for a guy who used to have a bounty on his head because he couldn’t win the big games.

Vince Young should be receiving his thank you card in the mail any day now.

Links:

[ESPN.com]: Source: Texas coach Brown to be extended through 2017

Categories
General Sports

Beauty and the beast: Gisele joins Mark Cuban on Dancing with the Stars


On Monday, we told you about how Mark Cuban’s appearance on Dancing with the Stars was going to be a total disaster, but a disaster that we were going to be glued to the tube for. Well, now it looks like the show just got a whole lot sexier…and sportier.

Of course, we gotta deal with the sexy first. Tom Brady’s super boo Gisele Bundchen is also being mentioned as a possible contestant though ABC has yet to reveal the actual list. We love the choice if this is true; after all, there is no such thing as too much Bundchen. And with that dumbass Cubes trying to cut a rug every week, we’re going to need some eye candy to help us overcome.

While nothing can top the excitement of having Gisele come to prime time TV, there are a few more sporting icons that will soon be donning glitter and sequence as they cha-cha-cha. Indy champ Helio Castroneves, boxing great Floyd Merriweather Jr., and Mr. Mean and Green himself, Lou Ferrigno, will also be on the show.

Hopefully one season they change the scheduling of this show so that Chad Johnson can get into the mix now that the NFL is cracking down on the end zone celebrations. Until then we’ll be stuck with other dancers like these unconfirmed celebrities: Aaron Carter, Wayne Newton, Jane Seymour, Tori Spelling, Jennie Garth, Nia Peeples and Sabrina Bryan. See you on September 24 when Cuban gets schooled by a wax sculpture…oh, wait, that’s Wayne Newton.

Links:

[BostonHerald.com]: Gisele really does have the legs of a dancer

Categories
All Other Sports

Hogan Knows Best? Well, not all of `em

Nick Hogan might want to give up driving, both casually and professionally. We’ve shown you Nick’s poor driving skills before, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that he’s gone off and crashed another car. However, this time it nearly cost him and his passenger their lives.

The 17-year-old Hulkamaniac was apparently driving way to fast down a Clearwater, FL., street Sunday night when he lost control of his yellow Toyota Supra and slammed it into a palm tree in the median. The wreck was so violent that it destroyed the car to the point where both Hogan and his friend, John Graziano, had to be cut from the car by rescue workers. Hogan was the less injured of the two, but both had to be flown to the hospital for treatment. Nick has since been released.

We hope that Graziano pulls through because the last thing any kid needs is the death of a friend of their head. But hopefully this will teach Nick that the world isn’t his own personal drifting course. He might think that he’s a professional driver, but his track record with vehicles shows that he is anything but. Frankly, Hulk should never utter these words to his son again:

Links:

[MyFoxTampaBay.com]: Hulk Hogan’s son injured in car crash

Categories
All Other Sports

A funny thing happened on the way over a hurdle

If you can make it to the world championships of anything then you’ve gotta be pretty darn good at your area of competition. So, we going to guess that nine times outta ten, Austrian steeplechaser Guenther Weidlinger makes it over those precarious hurdles on the course without even breaking a sweat. Luckily for us, the one time he didn’t make it over the top there were cameras in place to record the entire painful disaster.

Ya’ know, now that we think about it, we’re starting to think that ol’ Guenther might be the long lost cousin of this guy.

Links:

[MSNBC]: Austrian smacks face into hurdle at worlds

Categories
Denver Broncos

Travis Henry consistently produces, both on and off the field


Travis Henry got banged up in a game against the Cowboys a few weeks back and his status for opening day has been somewhat up in the air. However, it’s starting to look like Henry will be healthy for the start of the season, which is great news for all of his fantasy owners. But, more importantly, it means that Henry will still be the family breadwinner who’s bringing home the bacon to his kids. All nine of them!

Oh, and did we mention that the nine kids were with nine different women!

People can judge me all they want,” Henry said as he watched his team warm up for its preseason game Saturday night against the Cleveland Browns at Invesco Field at Mile High. “But only God can judge me.”

Henry’s personal life was recently revealed after he received a child-support judgment in a DeKalb County, Ga., court. It’s not the first time a professional athlete has been involved in such controversy. Former NBA star Shawn Kemp has seven children with six women and Derrick Thomas, the late linebacker of the Kansas City Chiefs, had seven children with five women.

Nine children with nine women is a new standard.

“A lot of stuff that’s been put out there isn’t true, but I’m not going to get into that right now,” Henry said. “The important thing is I want to take care of my kids really and truly. It’s all good.

Damn, if Henry got as much exposure as Tom Brady, Tiger Woods, Jeff Gordon and LeBron James for fathering a child then ESPN would have to dedicate an entire channel to his procreative efforts.

And for all you fantasy GM’s out there, here’s a word of advice for draft day. While his production won’t be nearly as high, Henry slightly edges out guys like Shaun Alexander, Frank Gore and Larry Johnson if you’re in a point per pregnancy league.

Links:

[DenverPost.com]: Travis Henry at ease with big fatherhood statistics