Author: clay

Categories
College Football

Appalachian State has spirit, yes they do! ASU has spirit, how `bout you!

It’s Tuesday and after two full days of letting it sink in, you probably still can’t believe that Appalachian State knocked off No. 5 Michigan in the Big House on opening day. Well, believe it, it actually happened. A lot of people are even calling it the biggest upset in college football history. For a while we were kinda leaning in that direction, but then we remembered that while ASU might not even be on the same stratosphere as the major U’s like Michigan when it comes to recruiting, they are one thing that big time programs aren’t: Appalachian is Hot Hot Hot!

Gooooooo `Neers!! Lenoir-Rhyne should be a cakewalk after sending thousands of Wolverines fans to seek the comfort of a dark closet and a bottle of whiskey until the end of the three day weekend forced them to face the cold, cruel world. Sorry Big Blue, but it is gonna be a long and painful season regardless of how the remainder of your schedule goes. After all, the win in Ann Arbor sent Mountaineer fans to tear down their own goal posts at Kidd Brewer Stadium in Boone, N.C.! It’s pretty tough to put something like that outta your memory.

Categories
All Other Sports

Cincinnati screws little kids after murder ends their football tournament



Just what any confused and
depressed kid wants to see.

A group of children witnessed the horrific sight of a homicide as they participated in a football tournament back on August 12. The game, which was established to promote nonviolence throughout the Cincinnati community, was cut tragically short when Dante Allen cold-bloodedly shot Earnest Crear in the head near the stadium. Needless to say, it could take a normal adult months or years to get over something that ghastly, but it could scar a 6 to 12-year-old kid, the age range of the participating players, for life.

So, how does the city go about caring for the young bystanders that were subjected to the violence? You’d probably figure that the city council members would extend some type of counseling to the children and their families, but you’d be wrong. No, Cincinnati’s big wigs and the community church leaders decided to give the runts tickets to the circus and call it even. Are you kidding?! The freakin’ circus!! These kids are subjected to a violent murder and all you can do is give `em a free pass to watch 27 clowns tumble out of a 1973 VW Bug after some douche launches himself out of a cannon? Yeah, that promotes healing.

Look, we’re not asking you to stop the world and cater to these kids all the way through adolescence, but a little more compassion than a $7 ticket to a ¾ empty arena would be nice. Maybe the next time tragedy strikes your city’s youth you can just sweep it under the rug by handing out vouchers good for one free bookmark the next time they visit the Cincinnati public library. Hey, at least this takes some heat off the mayor for his horrendous opening pitch.

Links:

[Local12.com]: Kids Who Witnessed Murder Get Tickets To Circus
[KSBY.com]: Shooting ends kid’ football tournament aimed at promoting nonviolence in Cincinnati

Categories
NFL General

NFL stars are not the most talented Simon Says players out there

We don’t know about you, but we haven’t played Simon Says in a long, long, long time. So, we were pretty shocked to see that someone over the age of five could even bring themselves to play the stupid game. And we were really taken back when we saw that for some strange reason NFL players would subject themselves to this nonsensical torture. But, you could have knocked us over with a feather once we realized that Simon was in fact an 8-year-old Danny Pintauro look alike that had a fetish for putting L.L. Cool J and Jason Taylor in some rather uncomfortable positions.

“He knows game face! L.L. knows game face!”

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Who Wants To Watch A Video Of NFL Players Playing Simon Says?

Categories
Washington Wizards

Fall into the rabbit hole that is Gilbert Arena’s mind


There’s really nobody kookier in the NBA than Gilbert Arenas. So, anytime we come across something involving Agent 0, we know that it should be entertaining. Needless to say, we weren’t disappointed when we came across an article on FoxSports.com entitled 10 Things Straight From Agent Zero. So, without further ado we pass along to you ten random thoughts from the mind of the man they call the Hibachi.

1. The rehab for my knee injury is going excellent. I’m way, way, way ahead of schedule. I bike, like, 18 miles a day. I’ve started making cuts on the court, slowly. I like to say I’m “keeping a San Antonio pace.” Pretty soon I’ll be able to go full throttle.

2. I’m gonna work out with DC United, the soccer team, this summer. I’m gonna do a lot of stuff with them, conditioning and like on-the-field soccer. I just need to try different things.

3. I shot the cover of NBA Live ’08 with Kevin Durant while he was doing the cover of the NCAA game. Kevin Durant, aka “K-Smooth.” I’m like a big brother, father-type to him. He’s part of the frat now. I’ll give K-Smooth the same type of advice that I give to all young guys: Learn to manage yourself. Learn about business. Get yourself a nickname the kids will like. Stuff like that.

4. Video game curses are a football thing. The year Dwyane Wade was on the cover (of NBA Live), he won a championship. The year Tracy McGrady was on the cover, he played in the the most games he’s ever played in. Same with Vince.

5. The rudest thing someone ever said to me was Gary Payton, my first year in the NBA. He scored 16 straight on me in the first few minutes, so I’m nervous. I’m scared. He says, “You’re lucky I’m not an A.I. type of player. I would score 50 on you in the first half.” To this day, I have to try and score 35 in the first quarter every time against Gary Payton.

6. One time in Dallas, someone said, “We’re gonna treat you like some hoes. We’re gonna get a little a@@ and get on out of here.” I say that now.

7. People say to me all the time, “You guys could have beaten Cleveland if you were able to play.” At the end of the day that doesn’t really mean anything, though. If I was healthy, we probably wouldn’t have even played Cleveland in the first round, you know?

8. I’m the face of my team, but I’m not involved in player personnel decisions at all. I’m really not. I’m just a player. It makes my job and my life easier that I’m not mixed up in that stuff. I’m not going to be one of those “Trade this guy” or “Package these guys for picks” type of guys. That’s how your teammates start to hate you.

9. Right now I’m working on a book. I’ve only been in the League for six years, so there’s no point in doing a biography yet. It will be a funny Gilbertology book.

10. I want to do some type of advertising/business show. That will be funny because I don’t know anything about business. I’ll be like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Or I’ll be saying things like Jessica Simpson, telling people I can’t eat buffalo wings because I don’t eat buffalo.

Don’t worry Gilbo, if you keep spitting out lines like you did in No. 6 then we’re pretty sure that MTV will have a prime spot for you right between Celebrity Rap Superstar and reruns of America’s Next Top Model.

Links:

[FoxSports.com]: 10 Sense with Gilbert Arenas

Categories
High School Sports

Darby High, you just got punk’d!!

Some people would have you believe that kids today are just a bunch of slackers and deadbeats. And, frankly, we can’t really argue that point considering all the floppy haired kids that we see smokin’ pot just off campus of the local high school during lunch. But there are a lot of talented, dedicated, hardworking and ingenious kids out there as well; kids like Kyle Garchar.

Garchar is a senior at Hilliard Davidson High School in Ohio and he spent about 20 hours concocting the perfect prank for the school’s big football game against the cross-town rival. What he came up with was a series of cardboard placards that the opposing team’s fans would hold up to collectively spell out “We Suck” instead of “Go Darby.” The plan worked like a charm and the whole thing got posted up on YouTube.

Unfortunately, the killjoy principal of Davidson HS didn’t think the prank was very sportsmanlike and decided to give Garchar and his buddies that helped out a little dose of in-school suspension and banned them from extracurricular activities for a semester.

This is one of the more tedious pranks we’ve seen in a while. The only thing we’re bummed about is that we didn’t get to see the reactions of the fans when they realized what message they were conveying. We’re guessing that their reactions we’re probably just about as sour as this dude’s.

Links:

[WKYT.com]: Ohio High School Student Suspended for Prank

Categories
Sacramento Kings

Ron Artest wants to be Michael Vick’s Big Brother


You know that your world is going to hell in a hand basket when Ron Artest wants to be the person to help you turn things around. Well, guess what? Michael Vick’s world is already reaching the bubbling depths of eternal fire and despair and, you got it, Ron Ron wants to be the one to pull Vick out and help him better understand that God fella he’s supposedly found overnight.

I want to call him and support him, you know, be there for him,” Artest said. “(He) lied and then came back and apologized to everybody, I felt that was classy. … I was touched that he took full responsibility. I felt that was a real man. I know for a fact he’ll come out a better person.

I think athletes just gotta be more aware,” he said. “At times things happen so fast in your life, you just stay living that same lifestyle. You can’t do it no more. I just hope people can take the mistakes I made, mistakes other people are making and just learn from them.

Listen, Artest, you can’t even learn from your own mistakes, how are you expecting Vick to learn from `em? That’s like asking Mike Tyson to help you through your domestic abuse incident. And that, my friend, would be simply inconceivable.

Links:

[MSNBC.com]: Role model? Artest wants to help support Vick

Categories
All Other Sports

Sometimes a bunch of strategically positioned translucent boxes are absolutely priceless

Ever wonder what the locals do during the other eleven months of the year when the Tour de Farce France isn’t in town?

We don’t know about ya’ll, but there’s no way we’re changing a tire on anything with our manhood hanging out. Not even if there’s shrinkage of frightened turtle proportions.

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Joey Harrington is not gay, but his fans are


People having been calling Joey Harrington `gay’ for years now; not because of his sexual orientation, but because of his limp wrist release and a tendency to go down in flames. Well, the often ridiculed Harrington’s odyssey has landed him in Atlanta where he will have a chance to become the metrosexual face of a now faceless franchise. And according to Outsports.com, Harrington has a whole slew of new fans in Hotlanta that are more than willing to accept him into their backfield for years to come, if you know what we mean. (wink, wink) Here are a couple of their comments:

Mike Horton, a gay football fan in Atlanta who roots for the New England Patriots, says Harrington may change his perspective and prompt him to give the Falcons a second look: “It’s interesting what an extreme opposite Harrington is to our previous quarterback. I like the fact that he’s suave and polished, but boy, is he pretty. I think I might try to make a few more games this year.

Brian Johnson, a gay University of Georgia graduate who lives in Atlanta, is “primarily a college football fan – 99%,” but the “other 1% is saved for Joey Harrington and the Falcons. … “I’m a Falcons fan only because I was born and raised here,” he said. “But I wouldn’t say I get upset when they lose. Harrington is hot. He is much better looking than Michael Vick, much easier on the eyes and the dogs.

Uh, Mr. Johnson (if that is your real name), we really hope your talking about pit bulls and not making reference to the ol’ twig and berries (hey, callin’ `em “dogs” in our office is pretty tame). Not only would that be really disgusting, but we don’t think his new wife would like to hear about how Joey makes your dogs bark.

Links:

[Freep.com]: Gay fans back Joey Harrington in Atlanta

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Saying that your dog ate it finally has some advantages


A while back some loser decided to let her dogs chew up a bunch of Michael Vick trading cards and then threw `em up on eBay. Well, guess who’s calling who a loser now? Turns out that the slobbered on, chewed up cards fetched a nice amount of cash; $7,400 to be exact. So, now instead of poking fun at the enterprising Rochelle Steffen of Missouri, we’re turning our attention to the whacked out fool who actually paid for the 22 cards.

Oh, but then again, the proceeds did go to the Humane Society. So, we can’t really argue with something that not only benefits a cause that would make Michael gag, but also delivers another humiliating blow to the dog murder’s fading legacy.

First we had the Michael Vick chew toy and now this. Keep it up America; don’t rest until every dog gets an opportunity to desecrate Vick in their own special way. Our guess is that someone in Ohio is next in line with the Michael Vick fire hydrant.

Links:

[WISTV.com]: Chewed up Michael Vick cards sell for $7,400 online

Categories
Cleveland Browns

Brady Quinn’s hair gets more attention than you ever have


Brady Quinn has only been in the NFL for a few short months now, but people just can’t seem to get enough of this guy. In fact, when Quinn chopped off his locks before taking the field against the Broncos on Saturday, it became a bigger story than Travis Henry’s unparalleled addiction to baby mommas. So, of course, the local paper, The Plain Dealer, ran a poll to find out if the populace prefers their Quinn with or without a mop top. Of the 1,689 pathetic losers to respond to the question, 61.5% liked the Shaggy hairdo more than the rookie hazing shave job. But who really gives a flip about whether Clevelandites like Quinn’s hair style when it turns out that there was really a whole lot more to the story.

According to Lionel295, this was no rookie hazing at all:

With all the intense media coverage how come they blew the story? Brady’s head was shaved because he had lice.

OMG, please spread the word of this infestation to anyone who has shared a comb with Quinn. Without proper quarantining this could spread faster and further than the Derek Jeter herpes epidemic!

However, we’d be remiss to leave out wwocean’s thought provoking input on this matter:

You know, I think the new Brady kind of looks like Matt Dillon. Let’s just hope his career goes a little better.

Links:

[Cleveland.com]: The results are in! What do you think of Brady Quinn’s hair?