Author: clay

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All Other Sports

Who knew that acting like a wild monkey was considered sport?

For those of you who don’t know what parkour is, it’s basically hauling ass around your local environment and running, jumping, spinning, rolling, flipping, sliding, climbing and bouncing on anything and everything you can get your hands or feet to stick to. When it’s done correctly it can be some of the most jaw dropping, mind boggling acrobatics you’ve ever seen in your life. But when it is performed by a bunch of pimple faced finger jousters then this is what you get:

Eh, one less finger jouster isn’t such a bad thing.

Categories
Dallas Cowboys

Terrell Owens does his best Stephon Marbury imitation


Sure, Terrell Owens is fun to watch play; after all, you never know if he’s going to blow up for 150 yards and a trio of TDs or just plain blow up on an assistant coach. But we really love listening to TO yap about football. Yup, we just loves us some TO.

Owens even delved into the taboo topic of dogfighting, saying he attended one “when I was younger.”

“Being from the South, that’s something that’s very prevalent in that area,” he said.

Later, he compared dogfighting to hunting deer: “They cut their heads off and they go to mount them on the wall. And they are animals as well. I don’t see a big difference in the situation.

Wait, did say that we loves us some TO? That was when he was saying things like “Get your popcorn ready with a little extra butter” and “Like my boy tells me; if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.” Hold up, so you mean to tell us that Owens is actually a lunatic?! Oh, snap!

When I say it’s a cultural situation, I’m not trying to bring a racial barrier into it. If anyone wants to dig that up, I will dispel that. I don’t condone Michael Vick’s actions with the dogfighting. I’ve been exposed to it and it’s something that’s very unfortunate for Mike. I think he’ll learn from this situation and move on from it.

Hmm, sounds like someone else has just joined the Clinton Portis School of Public Speaking.

And in other news from planet Owens, it sounds like TO and Donovan McNabb have finally moved on which means that we can all happily move on from a relationship that officially ended years ago.

“I did what I had to do when I saw Donovan. I apologized,” Owens said before Dallas practiced Wednesday. “Donovan is a good guy. I missed him. I missed the times that we had. Donovan is a good guy. He is a good friend. There were some things that happened. I do regret some of the things that happened. If I could go back and change some of the things then I would.”

McNabb said the two could’ve had “something special” if they played together longer than 1½ years.

“Unfortunately, it didn’t go in that direction,” McNabb said. “We’ve talked it out and communicated when we had the opportunity to, and kind of put it behind us. That’s the past, and we’re just focusing on what we have to do with our given teams right now.

Thank goodness for that. Now if we could just get Britney and Justin to kiss and make up we’d be set.

Links:

[MSNBC]: T.O. compares dogfighting to hunting deer
[MSNBC]: McNabb says he, T.O. have `talked it out’

Categories
All Other Sports

"If there’s grass on the field, play ball"

We know that after a summer of baseball, football is finally starting to take over the fall. Still, lots of guys out there are completely lost in the fog of baseball until a champ is crowned. To those super focused, elite fans that have nothing but bats and balls on the mind, we have six little words for you: what the hell are you thinking?

Oooooooh, they must finger joust on the side.

Categories
Miami Heat

Could VH1 be bringing The Love Shaq to a TV near you?



Hey ladies, wanna be dwarfed by
your man? Shaq’s about to be on the
man meat market.

You can add a new moniker to the ever growing list of names that Shaquille O’Neal has collected like custom cars since joining the league: the Big Bachelor. Apparently, Shaq and Shaunie O’Neal are splitting ways after five idyllic years of wedded bliss and the big fella decided to be the dumper instead of the dumpee and slapped his ol’ lady with divorce papers on Tuesday.

According to the filing, which was first reported by The Miami Herald on its Web site Tuesday night, Shaquille O’Neal is asking Shaunie O’Neal to provide a “correct accounting of all money, funds, stocks, bonds, and other securities” that she had access to or obtained during the marriage.

They are the parents of six children; Shaquille and Shaunie O’Neal had four together, and each had one other before their Dec. 26, 2002 wedding.

Damn, six kids! But at least they managed to spit four of `em out together. Are you listening Travis Henry? But back to the chedda’ chedda’; there’s no way that Shaq’s gonna get stiffed on this whole deal and he’s asking this potential gold digger to fork over some receipts. Doesn’t sound too unreasonable too us; after all, we are talking about the potential future fat face of law enforcement in Florida. He’s going to need all the campaign money he can muster up.

Links:

[MiamiHerald.com]: Heat’s Shaquille O’Neal seeking divorce

Categories
LA Lakers

Jerry Buss gets slapped with probation for driving drunk


Lindsey Lohan, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton and Jerry Buss. One of these things might seem like it doesn’t belong, probably the old, wrinkly, funny looking rich guy, but actually all these celebrities share a common thread: they’ve all had to face the music after driving drunk. Even the old, wrinkly, funny looking rich guy.

On Tuesday, Lakers owner Buss pled guilty to drunken driving and got smacked with five years probation, fined $1,900, ordered to attend a first-conviction program and a Mothers Against Drunk Driving course after getting popped with a blood alcohol level of .13 percent. For a billionaire geezer, that’s basically sleeping on the lawn drunk.

Unfortunately, we have no idea what ever happened to the way, way, way younger chick who was riding in the 74-year-old’s Mercedes on the night of the arrest. All we know is that you’d have to be one cracked out, self loathing, alcohol swilling, pill popping, Bret Michaels skank to be riding in Buss’ whip at one in the morning. Wait a minute; Lindsey, Nicole, Paris…where were you last May?

Links:

[SI.com]: Lakers owner gets 5 years’ probation, fined $1,900

Categories
Baltimore Orioles

Fans laugh at the Orioles for a whole new reason


Baltimore and Tampa Bay put together a pretty exciting game that tallied up 23 total hits and ended with the Orioles grabbing the victory 8-4. Considering that Baltimore had picked up just their second win in the last 14 games after getting outscored by 68 during the embarrassing span you’d figure there would be more to talk about than Melvin Mora’s wrestling match with a bat weight. Wrong.

The Baltimore Orioles still have a sense of a humor despite recent struggles on the field.

Orioles third baseman Melvin Mora had a hard time getting a weight off his bat in the first inning of Tuesday night’s game at Tampa Bay, prompting laughter from his teammates in the dugout and the nearby fans.

Mora pounded his bat several times in a futile attempt to get the weight off as he approached the plate. When the weight finally dropped from the bat after a successful attempt, the fans along the third base side near the Baltimore dugout cheered and Mora responded by tipping his helmet toward them.

Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself then you’re just going look like an idiot while everyone else is laughing at you.

Links:

[WJZ.com]: Orioles, Fans Enjoy Mora’s Fight With Bat Weight

Categories
Houston Texans

Dunta Robinson’s crib gets jacked by a pair of masked men



Have you seen this man?

Robbers sure are getting brazen these days and it appears that no athlete is safe anymore. First Pacman Jones got jacked, then Antoine Walker was getting robbed more than the local Kwik-E-Mart, after that Eddie Curry got rolled, then there was a shoot out at DeShawn Stevenson’s crib and now the pad of Houston Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson gets cleaned out.

Apparently, a couple of dudes in red bandanas and Los Angeles Dodgers caps broke into walked right into Robinson’s Texas home (a door was left unlocked) on Saturday evening and forced an occupant at gunpoint to lie in the floor before binding that person up with duct tape. Investigators aren’t spilling the beans on whether the occupant in question was Robinson or if he was even in the house at the time of the robbery.

While the one thug detained the occupant, the other jerk went a huntin’ fer valuables and ended up taking several pieces of Robinson’s bling before escaping into the night.

You know, if we had millions of dollars to our names then we’d defiantly be living in a virtual Fort Knox to protect our lifestyle. In fact, we’ve already discovered the perfect man to design our solitude of security should we ever scratch that magic lottery ticket.

Links:

[Chron.com]: 2 sought in robbery at Texan Dunta Robinson’s home

Categories
College Basketball

John Calipari is not happy after Tigers get thrown in the slammer

A pair of Memphis basketballers got arrested early Sunday morning outside of a nightclub for disorderly conduct and inciting a riot after officers responded to a disturbance at 3:36 a.m. Sophomore Shawn Taggart and freshman Jeff Robinson were accused by club security of starting the incident, but police seemed to disagree. Regardless, the two made some serious no-nos when they started getting unruly with the boys in blue.

Taggart, 22, then began yelling obscenities, “causing the large crowd to get further agitated and (they) began closing in on officers, trying to pull (the) defendant away from officers, while yelling obscenities, causing the officers to fear for their safety,” according to the report.

Robinson, 19, approached a police officer with his fists balled, acting aggressively, ignoring police commands and yelling obscenities, according to the police account.

Both players were released on bond and were scheduled to appear 9 a.m. Tuesday in Shelby County Criminal Court.

Needless to say, it didn’t take long for the earth around Memphis to start quaking and Mount Calipari to erupt.

I’m not happy,” he said. “I know they’re going to screw up. They’re young kids, and they’re going to do dumb things, like my own children.

“But how many times have I said, nothing good happens in a club after midnight? We’ll deal with this; a lot of it
will be in-house. Some of it’s not going to be,” Calipari said.

“I’m furious, to be honest,” Calipari said. “I want the city to know this: They’re not to be in any clubs. None. I’ve asked the players, if anybody here doesn’t think they can live with that, I need them to come and see me so we’ll help them transfer.

Don’t worry, we’re just like the rest of you out there and there is absolutely no way we could touch on a John Calipari rant without reliving one of the single greatest sound bytes in NBA, nay, sports history. We wish we had the video to show you, but you’re just going to have to use your imagination.

Larry Bird’s not walking through that door, fans. Kevin McHale is not walking through that door, and Robert Parish is not walking through that door. And if you expect them to walk through that door, they’re going to be gray and old…. And all the negativity that’s in this town sucks. I’ve been around when Jim Rice was booed. I’ve been around when Carl Yastrzemski was booed. And it stinks. It makes the greatest town, greatest city in the world, lousy.

Links:

[SI.com]: Two Memphis players arrested

Categories
Boston Red Sox

I love it when you call me Big Papi

Nowadays it seems that almost every sports figure feels the need to leave the comfortable realm of athletics and for some strange reason branch out and show that their hippety-hoppety skillz is fo’ realz. Well, David Ortiz is no different and here’s the hot fire spittin’ proof.

Damn, K-Fed, you just got skizz-ooled!

Links:

[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: Big Papi’s Reggaeton Debut

Categories
LA Lakers

Its no $4 million ring, but it’s still a pretty hefty bill

Sometimes when you’re Kobe Bryant, being Kobe Bryant just gets a little dull and when that happens, Kobe Bryant simply throws his money around and, apparently, that reminds Kobe Bryant that being Kobe Bryant is pretty freakin’ cool. Like when Kobe Bryant went to the grand opening of a flashy Las Vegas nightclub on Friday and some pathetic poker player, Antonio “The Magician” Esfandiari to be exact, tried to act like a baller by throwing down $2,800 for two bottles of Cristal champagne. That’s $1,400 apiece for all you non math majors out there. Well, Kobe Bryant wasn’t gonna get punk’d like that.

According to sources inside the club, Kobe wasn’t about to be shown up by some puny little card player — and kicked in for five bottles. Antonio, who’s used to upping the ante, then switched his order to ten! Go big or go home!

Kobe ended the competition when he purchased an astounding 15 bottles — and then left the club!

15 bottles! Who needs 15 bottles? Wait, they must have confused David Hasselhoff with Kobe Bryant. Easy mistake.

Links:

[TMZ]: Kobe’s $21,000 Bubbly Bill