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Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan is rich bitch!


Most of the time, the NFL Draft is just a mirage because although franchises get to select their future cornerstones, getting them to sign a deal usually takes the better part of the offseason. You remember last year’s debacle between the Raiders and top pick JaMarcus Russell, right? Well, believe it or not, but the bumbling, stumbling Atlanta Falcons discovered the secret to getting players into camp quick: throw a boatload of money at them.

Matt Ryan signed a $72 million, six-year contract with the Atlanta Falcons on Tuesday, ending concerns that prolonged negotiations could threaten his chance to become the starting quarterback as a rookie.

Ryan, the No. 3 overall pick in last month’s draft out of Boston College, is guaranteed $34.75 million. His guaranteed money is $4.75 million more than that given to Jake Long, the No. 1 overall choice who also is represented by agent Tom Condon.

If you’re eyes are bulging out of your head over the sheer size of the check, don’t worry, you’re not alone. However, we gotta admit that we’re happy to see a team willingly hand over a titanic contract instead of the usual hostage-type negotiations that occur every year between players, agents and owners. Will he be worth it? Only time will tell, but we applaud all parties for taking care of business quickly so Ryan can focus on producing in his rookie year, meaning the chances of seeing more in-game vomiting out of the Boston College product are a distinct possibility. That should make Donovan McNabb feel a little less lonely in the puking department. Now, if we could just get Dorenzo Hudson drafted in the NBA.

Links:

[The Associated Press]: Falcons sign QB Matt Ryan to 6-year, $72M contract

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Atlanta Falcons

PETA wishes Michael Vick a rape-filled holiday season and a happy new year


If you thought that Shaquille O’Neal was one to hold a grudge, just get a load of PETA. While these people will walk to the ends of the earth for an abused llama, they got no problem trying to humiliate and disgrace anyone who dares anger them. But at least it is in the name of Christmas spirit.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has created a holiday e-card featuring former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who is serving a 23-month federal sentence for a dogfighting conspiracy.

In the card, a cartoon version of Vick paces across a prison yard inside a snow globe as gun-toting guards and their barking dogs keep watch. He’s wearing an orange prison jumpsuit and football helmet and dragging a ball and chain.

When a visitor to PETA’s Web site shakes the snow globe by dragging a mouse, Vick bounces around and crashes against the globe’s dome as a commentator announces, “They got to the quarterback’s blind side there. He never had a chance.”

“We’re having a bit of fun, but prison is no lark and we’re hoping that Michael will use his time behind bars this holiday season to think about goodwill and peace for all,” PETA assistant director Dan Shannon said in a statement Tuesday.

Uh-huh Dan, we’re sure that’s exactly what you’re hoping for Mike.

In addition to Vick, PETA made cards for all the people on their naughty list this year, including “Cold-Blooded Colonel Sanders”, “Hairy-Kate and Trashley: the Olson Twins”, “Pelt Pusher Anna Wintour”, “Fur Hag Kate Moss” and “Hunter Dick Cheney.”

What? No “Why Didn’t You Die Roy Horn” Christmas card?

Links:

[MSNBC]: PETA creates holiday e-card featuring Vick

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

54 pit bulls win the lottery

Now it is starting to become clear why Michael Vick simply strangled, beat, shot or electrocuted pit bulls that were no longer of service…those mutts have some serious upkeep!

Vick was basically ordered to fork over almost $1 million for the care of the 54 dogs that were seized from his Virginia home several months back. The exact amount Vick set aside for the pooches was a cool $928,073. In case you’re wondering, that’s $17,186.54 per pit bull!

We know that vet bills can be expensive, but damn! Throw in some Kibbles-n-Bits, a few chew toys and we’re talking a couple hundred bucks a year, right? Oh, of course, poker money.

Links:

[NBC11.com]: Vick Will Pay $1M For Care Of Seized Dogs

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Michael Vick wants to know if the CliffsNotes for his plea are out yet



To Do: practice, work out, drown pit
bulls, watch film, smoke pot

Remember when Michael Vick publicly apologized in front of the nation for his part in that dogfighting ring that was being run out of his house. Well, it turns out that he walked off and left more behind than simply his freedom, livelihood and dignity. Apparently, he left behind the cheat sheet he needed to remind himself of what he was sorry for.

An employee from the Humane Society of the U.S. actually found Vick’s notes on the podium and they are now being auctioned off on eBay as a means of raising money to help put an end to animal cruelty. Take that Michael! The scrap of paper opened on the virtual market for a measly $20 bucks and has since skyrocketed up over $10,000! Here’s what 10 grand buys nowadays:

According to the eBay ad, Vick allegedly used the following notes to remember key points while making his public apology:

“Apologize for what I’ve done

Apologize comissioner (sic), AB [Falcons owner Arthur Blank], [Bobby] Petrino, ashamed, dissapointed (sic)

Young kids I acted immat.

Forgiveness + understanding

Take full responsibility for my actions

We all make mistakes

I’ve made mistakes in judgment”

Then, jotted into the lower right-hand corner of the paper it says, “Dogs have suffered.

Wait, Vick actually needed to jot down that “dogs have suffered”?!?! What’s worse is that he didn’t even make it a priority; he crammed it in at the last minute in the corner. Isn’t the fact that dogs have suffered the most fundamental reason why he’s in the situation he’s in? We think it’s pretty safe to say that if you have to write notes to yourself that remind you are “ashamed,” “disapointed” (be proud VT) and “take full responsibility for my actions” then you are probably neither ashamed, disappointed nor take full responsibility for your actions.

Links:

[Local10.com]: Vick Apology Notes Worth $10,000 On eBay

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Atlanta Falcons

Joey Harrington is not gay, but his fans are


People having been calling Joey Harrington `gay’ for years now; not because of his sexual orientation, but because of his limp wrist release and a tendency to go down in flames. Well, the often ridiculed Harrington’s odyssey has landed him in Atlanta where he will have a chance to become the metrosexual face of a now faceless franchise. And according to Outsports.com, Harrington has a whole slew of new fans in Hotlanta that are more than willing to accept him into their backfield for years to come, if you know what we mean. (wink, wink) Here are a couple of their comments:

Mike Horton, a gay football fan in Atlanta who roots for the New England Patriots, says Harrington may change his perspective and prompt him to give the Falcons a second look: “It’s interesting what an extreme opposite Harrington is to our previous quarterback. I like the fact that he’s suave and polished, but boy, is he pretty. I think I might try to make a few more games this year.

Brian Johnson, a gay University of Georgia graduate who lives in Atlanta, is “primarily a college football fan – 99%,” but the “other 1% is saved for Joey Harrington and the Falcons. … “I’m a Falcons fan only because I was born and raised here,” he said. “But I wouldn’t say I get upset when they lose. Harrington is hot. He is much better looking than Michael Vick, much easier on the eyes and the dogs.

Uh, Mr. Johnson (if that is your real name), we really hope your talking about pit bulls and not making reference to the ol’ twig and berries (hey, callin’ `em “dogs” in our office is pretty tame). Not only would that be really disgusting, but we don’t think his new wife would like to hear about how Joey makes your dogs bark.

Links:

[Freep.com]: Gay fans back Joey Harrington in Atlanta

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Saying that your dog ate it finally has some advantages


A while back some loser decided to let her dogs chew up a bunch of Michael Vick trading cards and then threw `em up on eBay. Well, guess who’s calling who a loser now? Turns out that the slobbered on, chewed up cards fetched a nice amount of cash; $7,400 to be exact. So, now instead of poking fun at the enterprising Rochelle Steffen of Missouri, we’re turning our attention to the whacked out fool who actually paid for the 22 cards.

Oh, but then again, the proceeds did go to the Humane Society. So, we can’t really argue with something that not only benefits a cause that would make Michael gag, but also delivers another humiliating blow to the dog murder’s fading legacy.

First we had the Michael Vick chew toy and now this. Keep it up America; don’t rest until every dog gets an opportunity to desecrate Vick in their own special way. Our guess is that someone in Ohio is next in line with the Michael Vick fire hydrant.

Links:

[WISTV.com]: Chewed up Michael Vick cards sell for $7,400 online

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Even more reason to hate Michael Vick: he’s a member of Al Qaeda!!


Okay, the lawsuits in this country have gotten completely out of control! If you’ve got a dollar to your name nowadays it’s certain that some penniless, pathetic bastard is going to find a douche bag lawyer and slap you with some frivolous charges. Maybe you’ll get accused of spitting on someone or maybe you’ll get accused of ruining someone’s life. Or if you’re a dog murdering NFL quarterback then you’ll get accused of stealing pit bulls and selling them on eBay in order to purchase missiles from the Iran government!

Sure, it sounds farfetched but it’s true. But the grounds for the lawsuit aren’t even the best part; the man filing the suit, Jonathan Lee Riches, is an inmate at the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina and he’s asking for $63,000,000,000 in damages!!!!!! Nope, that’s not a misprint, that’s $63 billion with a capital “B”.

According to the suit, Vick allegedly stole a pair of pit bulls from Riches’ Holiday, Fla., home and then used the dogs to fight at his notorious house in Virginia. Vick supposedly then took the pooches and instead of electrocuting or putting a bullet through their heads, like he normally does, decided to sell them on eBay for missile money. It might sound strange at first, but it all makes sense once Riches explains that Vick needs the missiles because he became a member of Al Qaeda this past February.

We agree that Vick is a sicko, but a member of Al Qaeda might be pushing it a bit. It sounds to us like someone hasn’t been taking their medications.

Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.

Further claims against Vick include stealing Riches’ identity to open credit card accounts at Pets Mart and Doggie Warehouse in order to buy dog food, and violating copyright laws by using Riches’ “copyright name on his personal football outfit and casual clothing” without paying for the use. Oh, and Riches accuses Vick of subjecting him to “microwave testing.”

We didn’t think it was possible, but this makes Vick’s whole story about the water bottle/jewelry box seem a lot less far fetched.

Links:

[FoxNews.com]: South Carolina Inmate Hits Michael Vick With `$63,000,000,000 Billion Dollar’ Lawsuit Alleging Al Qaeda Ties
[Sports Law Blog]: Iran-Vick Affair? Michael Vick Sued for $63 Billion

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Michael Vick still has a few products out there


We knew that it wouldn’t take long for Michael Vick bashing merchandise to start hitting the shelves of stores across America. And, frankly, we love the creativity of all those timely entrepreneurs. While there are some very, very clever t-shirts out there (our personal favorite being Even Hannibal Lecter is against dogfighting), our award for wittiest novelty goes to the inventor of The Official “Vick” Dog Chew Toy.

Yup, for just $10.99 plus $2.00 shipping and handling, you can give your dog the satisfaction of gnawing away at Michael Vick’s gigantic replica head for days on end. Of course, if it’s anything like the overpriced crap we buy for Fluffy at Dogs-R-Us then it won’t last an hour after getting pulled outta the box. Then again, one hour of repeated bites to the torso might be all it takes for some canines to feel a sense of retribution. But according to the creators, the toy is virtually indestructible.

Is it different you ask? You bet it is! The Vick Dog Chew Toy is made of state of the art “dog” material. The Vick Toy Doll is so strong and flexible, it will challenge even the most aggressive breeds. Especially The Pit Bull.

Unlike Vick, our manufacturer is so sure of its durability they guarantee it against the most aggressive dog destruction. It Bends. It Bounces. It Flies. It Floats. And best of all, it lasts through the whole season and more!

Get Your Official Vick Dog Chew Toy today!

Count us in because you had us at appalling dog murderer.

Links:

[VickDogChewToy.com]: The Official “Vick” Dog Chew Toy

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

McGruff can’t wait to beat down Michael Vick

With all the craziness that is going on surrounding Michael Vick and his puppy torturing ways, it seems that the media has forgotten all about one of the most credible sources in relation to canine crime. While everyone wants to hear from PETA and The Humane Society, we think we’ve found someone whose personal experiences allow him to contribute a viewpoint that nobody else can.

Categories
Atlanta Falcons

Dodge rolls out their "Michael Vick edition" line of SUVs

Michael Vick is in a whole heap of trouble right now and, needless to say, his image is taking a serious hit that he will never recover from. People are disgusted by the nature of the crimes that he is being linked to and, as a result, all of his endorsement deals are going down the drain. Well, almost all of them. Apparently, Dodge Nitro is thinking about signing Vick to be the face of their new campaign. They’ve even created a vehicle security system that is personally designed for the Falcons QB.

“Charged with Adrenaline” and dog murder. Sounds like a great slogan to us.

Links:

[AdFreak.com]: Dodge Nitro kills defenseless peeing dogs