College Football

Okla…homa Sooners get punk’d and then get pissed

When we first saw the news about Quinton “Rampage” Jackson’s little case of road rage, we figured it had to be an elaborate joke. After all, he was trying to evade the cops in a jacked-up truck with a life-sized picture of himself on the side. Something tells us that probably wasn’t the best choice for an escape vehicle. Either way, turns out Rampage’s little, uh, rampage in the streets was all too real and the former UFC light heavyweight champion is facing a pair of felony charges.

Anyways, like getting a song stuck in your head after hearing a few lines, we’re now jonzing for a good prank to get rid of the sadness that has crept into our souls since finding out Rampage is a moron. Luckily, this anti-Sooner came into our lives at just the right moment.

The publisher of Oklahoma’s largest newspaper and one of its sportswriters have sued a University of Texas employee who admitted posting a bogus article on the Internet about two University of Oklahoma football players.

The Oklahoma Publishing Co., which publishes The Oklahoman newspaper and website, filed a civil lawsuit Monday against James W. Conradt, a Nebraska football fan who works as a service manager for UT’s information technology department.

The 10-count civil lawsuit accuses Conradt of libel, copyright violations and trademark infringements. It seeks unspecified financial damages.

Conradt, 36, used a template from the newspaper’s website to publish a fake article on the Internet on July 9 that stated OU quarterbacks Sam Bradford and Landry Jones had been arrested for intent to distribute cocaine, the lawsuit alleges.

Hey, James, say hi to Rampage for us if you should happen to pass him in the courthouse halls.


[]: Newspaper sues Nebraska fan over bogus article about Sooners

San Antonio Spurs

Tony Parker sues over his alleged `And-1′ opportunity

It didn’t long for the rumor bug to start biting one of sports/Hollywood’s hottest couples and, on Wednesday, the duo started biting back.

San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker is suing for publishing stories that he had an affair with a French model. Oh-la-la! Parker claims there was a bunch of “false and defamatory” statements written by the site about himself and superbabe wife Eva Longoria and now he wants a cool $40 million for compensation. OH-LA-LA!

This is false. It never happened. And X17 had to know that the story was false, or, at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source,” the lawsuit said.

The lawsuit also alleged that X17 never contacted Parker, Longoria or their representatives before running the stories, and refused to retract them after being told the claims were false.

An after-hour call to X17’s Beverly Hills office was not immediately returned.

Last week, the Web site posted a story that said the model Alexandra Paressant told X17 that she had a two-month affair with Parker. The story said Paressant told X17 she attended Parker’s wedding last summer, where the French soccer star Thierry Henry introduced her to the basketball star.

“No one from X17 attempted to contact Mr. Henry, who … would have told them in no uncertain terms that this woman was not at the wedding,” the lawsuit said, adding that Parker has never met anyone named Alexandra Paressant.

“If this woman exists, he has no way of knowing whether she is one of the many fans who have, from time to time, managed to obtain his cell phone number and called or left messages or who may have engaged him in conversation.

Now, we’re not rich or famous so we don’t know the exact protocol for when celebrity marriages turn into celebrity adultery, but we’re guessing it should take at least a year for the shine to tarnish on a hottie like Longoria. And if you’re Parker, then you have to trade up, right? Don’t get us wrong, Paressant is smoking hot, but until she starts making $200,000 per episode of Desperate Housewives then she’s ain’t got jack on the current lil’ lady.

And anyways, what ever happened to taking something straight from the horse’s mouth? What, we don’t trust our celebrities anymore??

Parker and Longoria defended their marriage last week.

“I love my wife,” Parker said in a statement from Longoria’s spokeswoman, Liza Anderson. “She’s the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier.”

“Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband,” said Longoria.


[]: Tony Parker Sues X17 Over Rumored Affair

All Other Sports

Ric Flair doesn’t think imitation is the greatest form of flattery

If you’re a fan of professional wrestling, then you’ve probably been wondering what happened to Ric Flair. No, he’s still not retired yet and he’s not in the hospital after receiving a STD from a lucky lady who took a ride on Space Mountain. No, apparently Flair is too busy suing car dealerships to deliver low blows or get tossed from the top turnbuckle.

Professional wrestler Ric Flair is suing a Columbia car dealership for imitating the “Nature Boy” and his well-known slogans to sell cars.

Flair says Freedom Suzuki used his persona without permission in radio and TV ads featuring a blond Captain Freedom shouting “Whoeee” and “To be the man, you got to beat the man!” Attorney Eric Bland says the “Whoeee” sounds exactly like the “Wooo!” his client Flair has shouted into microphones for decades.

Bland is claiming that the slogans are basically the property of Flair and that his client needs to protect his image before he really does hang it up for good.

We can’t blame `Naitch’ for trying to get paid while he can, but we never figured we’d see the ultimate wrestling playboy battling it out with some scummy car salesman over the technical differences between “Whoee” and “Wooo.” And as far as “To be the man, you got to beat the man” goes, even if that jerk rips off your catch phrase, you’ll always be a “limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ dealing, son of a gun” in our book.


[]: Wrestler Ric Flair sues Columbia car dealership over ads

All Other Sports

Locker room penetration leads to lawsuit for Texas school district/football coaches

We’ve known for some time now that wrestling can beget a little butt hole penetrating `prank’ or two. Or maybe they’re legitimate moves, what the hell do we know? We try to keep our anuses away from other peoples’ fingers at all costs. But now we’re finding out that the anal rapes have jumped into the hallowed high school football locker rooms of America. Okay, maybe not all of them (at least we hope not), but these disturbing behaviors did infest Donna High School in Texas and now the victim is suing the school district and his former coaches for turning a brown eye to the problem.

The federal lawsuit claims a culture of “deliberate indifference” led to the attempted sexual assault of four younger players at the hands of older teammates.

Four players were indicted on charges that they participated in 2004 and 2005 in holding down the younger players and trying to insert a gloved finger into the anuses of the victims.

Each has since pleaded guilty to lesser charges or arranged separate punishments with prosecutors.

The lawsuit claims the district maintained customs and policies that encouraged hazing and neglected to investigate complaints of abuse.

It seeks unspecified “punitive” damages.

Hey, while this totally sucks, uh …, ass, at least the bastards were limiting themselves to “a gloved finger” when it came time to go mud digging. Some sick people will just rape you with the first thing they can find.


[]: Former player sues school district, coaches over sex hazing

Atlanta Falcons

Even more reason to hate Michael Vick: he’s a member of Al Qaeda!!

Okay, the lawsuits in this country have gotten completely out of control! If you’ve got a dollar to your name nowadays it’s certain that some penniless, pathetic bastard is going to find a douche bag lawyer and slap you with some frivolous charges. Maybe you’ll get accused of spitting on someone or maybe you’ll get accused of ruining someone’s life. Or if you’re a dog murdering NFL quarterback then you’ll get accused of stealing pit bulls and selling them on eBay in order to purchase missiles from the Iran government!

Sure, it sounds farfetched but it’s true. But the grounds for the lawsuit aren’t even the best part; the man filing the suit, Jonathan Lee Riches, is an inmate at the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina and he’s asking for $63,000,000,000 in damages!!!!!! Nope, that’s not a misprint, that’s $63 billion with a capital “B”.

According to the suit, Vick allegedly stole a pair of pit bulls from Riches’ Holiday, Fla., home and then used the dogs to fight at his notorious house in Virginia. Vick supposedly then took the pooches and instead of electrocuting or putting a bullet through their heads, like he normally does, decided to sell them on eBay for missile money. It might sound strange at first, but it all makes sense once Riches explains that Vick needs the missiles because he became a member of Al Qaeda this past February.

We agree that Vick is a sicko, but a member of Al Qaeda might be pushing it a bit. It sounds to us like someone hasn’t been taking their medications.

Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.

Further claims against Vick include stealing Riches’ identity to open credit card accounts at Pets Mart and Doggie Warehouse in order to buy dog food, and violating copyright laws by using Riches’ “copyright name on his personal football outfit and casual clothing” without paying for the use. Oh, and Riches accuses Vick of subjecting him to “microwave testing.”

We didn’t think it was possible, but this makes Vick’s whole story about the water bottle/jewelry box seem a lot less far fetched.


[]: South Carolina Inmate Hits Michael Vick With `$63,000,000,000 Billion Dollar’ Lawsuit Alleging Al Qaeda Ties
[Sports Law Blog]: Iran-Vick Affair? Michael Vick Sued for $63 Billion

College Basketball

To prove she’s not a nappy headed ho, Rutgers player wants cash

Kia Vaughn is suing Don Imus, CBS Radio, CBS Corp, and possibly anyone with money because Imus called her a nappy headed ho on the radio. Just when you thought lawsuits couldn’t get more ridiculous in this country and just when you thought the stupid Don Imus thing was finally dead, here comes the cash grab. Frankly, we’re suprised it took this long.

According to the lawsuit and her scumbag lawyer, the comments caused Vaughn to be humiliated, embarrassed and publicly mocked. So much so in fact that the “full effect of the damage remains to be seen.” (Translation: settle with us out of court before we ask for more money.)

This is about Kia Vaughn’s good name,” Ancowitz said. “She would do anything to return to her life as a student and respected basketball player — a more simple life before Imus opened his mouth on April 4.

Wait… what? Who the fuck is Kia Vaughn? Before she filed this lawsuit, we don’t think anyone outside of her dorm knew who she was. Now her reputation is ruined? Listen, ho(ney), you’ve done more to damage your “good name” by filing this lawsuit than anything that idiot Imus said. You think people are saying to her as she’s walking down a street, “hey, you’re that nappy headed ho!”? No. Nobody could pick her out of a lineup even if they put her next to five midgets.

But hey, listen, we understand, the WNBA only pays about $35k a year.

[Yahoo]: Rutgers basketball player sues Imus and CBS Radio, alleging defamation of character

All Other Sports

Eddie Sutton and OSU get slapped with lawsuits over drunken accident

We know that there are a lot of people out there who will jump all over any opportunity that presents itself in order to make a quick buck. That’s why we’re reserving judgment on whether Skip To My Lou spits or swallows. But sometimes you can just tell when someone is trying to abuse the system and cash in a virtual lottery ticket by taking a celebrity to court. Like when somebody waits 18 months after the fact to file a lawsuit.

A woman who was involved in car crash with a sloshed Eddie Sutton last February is now suing both Sutton and Oklahoma State University on the grounds that Sutton was negligent for getting behind the wheel and turning the key and that OSU was negligent because they allowed him to get behind the wheel and turn the key. Now, Sutton was absolutely out of line as he got popped with a .22 blood alcohol level which, for all you lightweights out there, is close to three times the legal limit which is pretty impressive for an old dude. So, while she’s a bit slow on getting around to taking him to court, we’ll let is slide and see what the judge has to say, but we have no clue how this broad expects to tag the university with responsibility for the wreck. If you can sue employers for employees’ behavior outside the work environment then Pacman Jones’ exploits would have put the Tennessee Titans out of business long ago.

And speaking of Pacman, don’t forget to tune into TNA tonight for the pro wrasslin’ debut of The Rainmaker.


[]: Lawsuit Filed Against Eddie Sutton And OSU Over Crash

Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban proves he’s a moron…again

We all knew that Mark Cuban was a big brat from the first day he bought the Mavericks. We learned that he was a big baby when he started all his courtside shenanigans shortly after. We found out that he had a huge man crush on his German superstar when Dirk Nowitzki won the MVP award. Now, we know that he’s a sore loser and poor sport as well.

Cuban is suing Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson because he is claiming that Nellie had “confidential information and he (Cuban) wants to enjoin Don from coaching the Mavericks” when his No. 8 eight seed club knocked off the top team in the league during the first round of this year’s playoffs. This is according to John O’Connor who is Nelson’s attorney.

Apparently, Cuban has verified that he has filed “claims” against the former Mavs coach, but he also admitted that he is “not sure how we are handling them” and then offered the classic “no comment” line when asked in person about the matter.

There is no basis in our view,” O’Connor said. “I suppose he [Nelson] knows [Dirk] Nowitzki likes to go right instead of left, but normally that’s not a trade secret.

Basically, Cubes is saying that it’s just not fair for departed coaches to play against their former teams. Guess the Lakers can’t play the Bulls while Phil Jackson is still in La-La Land. And we might as well put aside any scheduled games between Rick Adelman’s Rockets and the Kings or Blazers. But what if Larry Brown ever decides to return to NBA? His new club will have to shorten their season by about 60 games to avoid matching up with all of his old teams!

We know that this is a little different because of the short time span between Nelson’s two tenures, but Cuban’s coach, Avery Johnson, spent a lot of years learning the tricks of the trade from the Spurs Gregg Popovich before heading to Big D. Does this mean that San Antonio can sue the Little General for knocking the Spurs out of the 2006 playoffs in a Game 7 thriller?

This B.S. move by Cuban is simply an attempt to continue to his “thorn in the side” mentality against Nelson. The two have had contractual arguments since Nellie split town a few years back and Dallas’ first round fiasco did little to help mend their tattered relationship. We know that Cuban is an incredible businessman, but this is basically the equivalent of an old lady suing McDonald’s because her coffee was hot. Hopefully, this case won’t have the same bogus results.


[]: Is Mavs owner now crying foul?

St. Louis Cardinals

Josh Hancock’s father might try to sue God next

Dean Hancock, the father of Josh Hancock, the St. Louis pitcher who was killed in a traffic accident last month, really needs to blame somebody for the death of his son. He is suing the restaurant that served his son alcohol which certainly has legal precedence.

But here’s the kick in the crotch — he is also suing the man whose Geo Prism stalled and the tow truck driver who stopped to help the Prism. Damn that Prism owner for not being rich enough to afford a reliable car… say like a top of the line SUV. And damn that tow truck driver for actually trying to help someone.

Now, we don’t want to desecrate the memory of the dead but Josh Hancock was drunk, speeding, wasn’t wearing a seat belt, and was talking on his cell phone at the time of his fatal accident. Is this really anyone’s fault but Josh’s? Or Perhaps Dean Hancock did such a shitty job of raising his son that he needs to blame people for his own failures?

Everyone felt bad about Josh Hancock’s death. And even when the facts of his accident came out, most people just swept it under the rug and paid their respects. But now Dean Hancock is using up whatever ounce of goodwill was left in community by being a complete asshat. Way to honor the memory of your son, pops.

[SI]: Hancock’s father files suit

New York Yankees

Odds and Ends: Yankees fans aren’t delusional at all

ESPN had an interesting poll on how the addition of Roger Clemens affects their postseason chances. A majority of voters (48%) said they’d miss the playoffs while 17% though they will be World Series Champs. What’s interesting is that only in 3 states do a majority of folks feel that the Yankees will be champions at year’s end: New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut. Delusion in a powerful force. (via be Recruited)

In other news…

[]: Goodell’s personal conduct policy claims another victim

[]: Mets fan who was crushed by a fat man is suing the Mets

[The Offside]: It’s a good thing he didn’t get a hot beef injection

[Wizard of Odds]: Our favorite entry into the Wiz’s great billboard competition

[Larry Brown Sports]: His soul probably still stinks

And finally, Malaysian officials are planning on dumping 196,00 cans of confiscated beer down the drain. It’s as if a million sports fans cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.