New York Yankees

Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba and possibly the entire world herpes!

In one of the most depressing pieces of news to come across our desks in a long time, it’s being reported by L.A. Rag Mag that Jessica Alba contracted herpes! That’s right, every man’s fantasy supposedly used to pop Valtrex like they were Tic Tacs and what’s worse is that Derek Jeter is the one who allegedly gave her the STD.

While we still refuse to believe that Alba would indulge in sexual activity before marriage, the implications of this news could be disastrous. Holy Candy conducted some in-depth scientific studies and determined that if Jeter indeed had herpes, with his extensive repertoire of high profile arm candy, the disease could have basically infected everyone from super babes like Alba, Jessica Beil and Scarlett Johansson to douche bags like Marky Mark, Justin Timberlake, Eminem and Fez.

And considering the rate at which celebrities fornicate nowadays, this could become a world wide epidemic at any moment. In fact, it won’t be long until someone starts putting together a benefit concert for all the victims of the Derek Jeter herpes tragedy. But from what we hear there have been great advancements in combating the disease. Poison front man Bret Michaels has even put his own health on the line by living in a herpes infested house for the explicit purpose of medical research. Thank you for your bravery Bret.


[Girls Gone Sports]: Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes

Atlanta Falcons

Ron Mexico settles out of court

Sonya Elliot, the woman who sued Michael Vick for giving her herpes simplex II (much milder than the dreaded herpes simple ten) has settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

This woman is one of the unsung heroes of modern sports pop culture. Without her, we would never have Ron Mexico. Without her, thousands of fans wouldn’t be able to throw tubes of Herpecin-L and make outbreak jokes at Michael Vick. What? No one throws tubes of herpecin at Ron Mexico? That’s just a wasted opportunity.

[Atlanta Journal Constitution]: Attorney: Vick suit resolved