Washington Redskins

Clinton Portis channels four more figments of his imagination

Clinton Portis is a wild and crazy cat indeed. One of his absolute favorite things to do is dress up like its Halloween every time he does a press conference and being the fan friendly guy that he is, Portis is allowing you to choose which reincarnation attends. Here are your choices.

Bud Foxx

» Occupation: Ultimate Fighter
» Win-loss record: 0 wins, 17 losses
» Weight class: 115 pounds, but he weighs 220 pounds
» Finishing move: Cracking fingers

Foxx suffered a fast defeat at the (fully intact) hands of NFL researcher George Li to keep his winless streak alive.

Dr. Do Itch Big

» Occupation: Dentist
» Fact: Does his own dental work in the mirror
» Motto: “Cleaning up the NFL one mouth at a time”

The good doctor started his bicuspid crusade by enhancing the grills of former Giants DE Michael Strahan and Bills RB Marshawn Lynch.


» Occupation: Environmentalist
» Education: Masters in Electrical Engineering from MIT
» Motto: “Off the grid is off the chain”
» Facts: Lives in a solar-powered green house and smokes a pipe

The Earth-lover’s decision to step back on the grid to keep Rich Eisen caffeinated gave him a jolt from which he may not recover.

Prime Minister Yah Mon

» Occupation: Prime Minister
» Birthplace: Somewhere between Jamaica and the United States
» Fact: Running for President of the United States as an independent

Forget Obama and McCain. Come November, vote for this dreadlocked diplomat, who promises to lower gas prices by at least 40 cents.

Here’s the video bios for these goons.


[]: Vote for your favorite Portis character

Washington Redskins

Chris Cooley is a dancing machine

Chris Cooley got married to a babe the other day and the wedding party looked like quite a blast. After all, it’s not too often that you get to see a giant-sized man dance around in white pants, a black vest and pink tie. But would you expect anything less from the man known as Captain Chaos? However, if you ask the best man about Chris’ big day, it really doesn’t sound all that exciting.

I do know that the groom’s day went as follows: picked up tuxes, packed for the honeymoon, paced around, watched groomsmen play guitar hero, paced around, backyard football, and finally driving to the place after some pacing around. The rest of the day seemed like an incredible blur of events.

Here are some highlights:

* The Reverend decided to kick things off a little behind schedule and almost had to meet with some groomsmen in the back room.

* The wedding planner now needs high blood pressure medication.

* People took pictures like free ipod nanos.

* We ate dinner ala banquet style only better food.

* There was the cake cut, garder pull, best man speech, and dancing til the lights turned on.

* After party Karaoke (minus newlyweds)

We’re sure Mr. and Mrs. Cooley had a fantastic day and all, but it’s just not a party until Brady Quinn starts grabbing his crotch.


[]: Chris Cooley’s Wedding Looks Like Fun
[]: The Best Man’s take on the Cooley wedding

Washington Redskins

Lorenzo Alexander’s bloody accident earns him a sweet new moniker

In case you weren’t watching the preseason game between the Titans and Redskins on Saturday (and if you weren’t: how dare you!) there was a wild play towards the end of the game in which Washington defensive tackle Lorenzo Alexander sacked Titans QB Tim Rattay. What makes the play so crazy is that Alexander lost his helmet during his pursuit and as he tackled Rattay, he took a nasty shot from safety Reed Doughty that left him feeling lightheaded with slashes to his lip and cheek that unbelievably required just six stitches to close up.

The first thing I checked for was my teeth,” Alexander said after a Tuesday morning walk-through. “All of them were there, so I was real happy about that. My mom was real happy that I had all my teeth, too.

But the beat down wasn’t for nothing because Alexander ended up receiving a really cool nickname as a result of his wounds: Scarface. If you missed the helmetless tackle then here’s a clip with what very well could be a future Monday Night Football announcer calling the action.

His head is not healthy right now. Why did he do that? He’s probably bleeding. He probably smacked his head open.

Watch your back Jaws, this lady is coming for your job!


[]: `Scarface’ Alexander makes his mark as a hit man

Washington Redskins

LaRon Landry takes a paintball to the package

Okay, so we promised that we weren’t going to be giving you any more stories about jocks’ jocks but there was no way we could let this pass us by. Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was injured on Wednesday when he was shot in the groin with a paintball during a “team-building outing.” According to the new old ol’ ball coach Joe Gibbs, Landry should be fine after a few days of rest. Maybe we’re skeptics, but it sounds to us like the No. 6 overall pick just wanted to get out of minicamp. C’mon, who hasn’t used the old “shot in the groin with a paintball” excuse?

What’s really funny about all of this is that Marcus Washington claims he had no idea that paintballs could cause an injury.

I didn’t know paintball was that dangerous,” linebacker Washington said. “I hope it wasn’t friendly fire.

There’s a joke involving Pat Tillman in there somewhere but we’re just going to let it slide.


[]: Paintball Injury Sideline Redskins’ No. 1 Pick

Washington Redskins

All of the lies in sports are driving us crazy!!!

Will somebody please take the mic
away from Bootsy already.

What the hell is wrong with athletes and coaches today? Nobody seems to have a mental filter or a shred of meaningful contemplation anymore. There is an epidemic of stupid decisions sweeping across the sporting landscape as player after player are making boneheaded, spur of the moment statements that must later be recanted in a manner that can do nothing but further make a mockery of that athlete. Our latest victim: Clinton Portis.

A couple of weeks ago, this idiot tried to justify Michael Vick and his dog farm of death by saying that:

I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it’s his property, it’s his dog,” Portis told WAVY-TV. “If that’s what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business.

Fast forward to Tuesday and Portis has this to say:

A couple of weeks ago, when I made those comments I didn’t understand the seriousness behind it,” Portis said. “I didn’t know it would affect that many people, and didn’t think what I said was that offensive. But after doing some research and seeing how serious people take this, I shouldn’t have made the comments. I’m going to just leave it alone and hopefully, it will die down and people will understand that. At that time I had no idea the love people have for animals, and I didn’t consider it when I made those comments.

You “had no idea the love people have for animals”?!?! Give us a break! Listen, instead of wasting our time with this bogus line of B.S., why don’t you just shut the hell up and think about what you’re about to say the next time a mic gets shoved in your face. And that goes for you too Michael Vick, Kobe Bryant and Billy Donovan. We’re getting sick of you idiots’ big mouths and your sporadic moods and judgments. You guys are wasting our precious blog reading time with your recanting of statements and patronizing apologies. This why a lot of people want their athletes to be seen and not heard, you can’t believe a word that’s coming out of their traps anymore.


[]: Portis Recants Words About Dogfighting

Washington Redskins

Clinton Portis defends Vick, offers to show you a dog fight

We’ve always liked Clinton Portis but his latest statements are reprehensible. In defending Michael Vick, Portis said that as long as the dogs were Vick’s and the fights took place on his property, then it shouldn’t be a concern to anyone.

Here’s the video from WAVY-TV, a television station in Hampton Roads, Virginia. (The video is crap but that’s what happens when people use Windows Media Player, the shittiest software on the planet.)

Chris Samuels is also defending Vick but he’s taking the “innocent until proven guilty” route while Portis seems to think that dog fighting is totally justifiable and was unfazed when informed that it was a felony and offered to show the reporter a few back roads back in Mississippi if she wanted to see some dog fights. We wonder if Portis thinks that AJ Nicholson is just getting a bad rap — all he did was smack up his woman on his property right?

[AOL Sportsblog]: Clinton Portis: Michael Vick Did Nothing Wrong

[WAVY]: Portis and Samuel interview

Washington Redskins

Top 10 Most Gruesome sports injuries: #2 Joe Theismann (plus BONUS injury!)

[Sportscolumn is running down the ten most gruesome sports injuries. Here’s #2]

If you haven’t seen the Joe Theismann injury by now, then you must have been living under a rock for the past 22 years. After all, it is the granddaddy of all of sports injuries and gets referenced after almost every major leg injury in sports to this day.

Who can forget seeing Lawrence Taylor snap Theismann’s leg during the Redskins/Giants Monday Night Football game back in 1985? It was a flea-flicker that went horribly wrong and ended with Taylor rolling up on Theismann and bending his leg backwards, not to mention his body, which resulted in a broken tibia and fibula. Theismann’s career was over before LT even got up and started frantically signaling for the paramedics.

The play doesn’t look all that devastating from the original angle, but once the reverse angle was feed to the national audience it became obvious that this was single handedly the worst professional sports injury ever witnessed. And no matter how many times you’ve seen the clip over the past two decades, it never gets any easier to stomach. Ironically, many people experience the same nauseating feelings when they think of his color commentary on ESPN.

Now, if Theismann grabbed our No. 2 spot on the list of gruesome injuries, then this guy has to be considered No. 2a. We don’t know who this guy is or when or where this happened, but the second we saw it, we knew it deserved some lofty recognition. So, here’s to you Mr. Mixed Martial Arts guy; this injury is truly one of the nastiest bone snappings we’ve ever been sickened by.

If you want to find some humor in the situation, just check out the guy’s opponent when he snaps his leg. The guy starts jumping up and down like he just delivered a knockout punch. Dude, you won because his leg cracked; you didn’t do jack!

Back to #3 | Forward to #1

Washington Redskins

Jason Campbell is drowning in chalk

If you’re a Redskins fan, do you want a QB that takes risks or do you want a QB that just manages the game. Now an NCAA bracket isn’t a personality test but according to Jason Campbell’s bracket, he might be the biggest…er.. fraidy cat in the NFL. Look at this thing.

All four 1 seeds in the Final Four. 7 out of 8 1-2 seeds in the Elite Eight. (The exception is Duke… go figure.) And his sweet sixteen has 12 of the 16 overall top seeds. This is a travesty. You shouldn’t even be allowed to touch a bracket if you’re gonna go this route. His eventual champion? North Carolina of course.

Imagine Jason Campbell in the playoffs if the Redskins don’t get the #1 seed. “Oh, we’re a lower seed, we’ve got no shot.”

[AOL Sports]: Blog Bet: Would You Take the 1-Seeds vs. the Field?

Washington Redskins

Top 10 Dumbest in-game Injuries: #2 Gus Frerotte

[Sportscolumn is running down the ten dumbest in-game injuries in sports.  Here’s #2.]

Most players get excited when they play in NFL’s spotlight game, but Gus Frerotte probably went a wee bit overboard in 1997. After a touchdown in the second quarter, Washington quarterback Frerotte, for some unknown reason, celebrated by ramming his head into a thinly padded cement wall during a game against the New York Giants on Monday Night Football that ended in a 7-7 tie. The Redskins numbskull was rushed via ambulance to the nearest hospital where doctors diagnosed him with a concussion. He fought bouts of wooziness for the rest of the season.

There is no truth to the rumor that upon finding out the final score, Frerotte asked who won.

Back to #3 | Forward to #1

Washington Redskins

Dec 21 in Sports History: Vince Lombardi’s last game

In 1969: Vince Lombardi coached his last NFL game with the Washington Redskins, losing 20-10 to Tom Landry and the Dallas Cowboys. Ironically, Landry became coach of the Cowboys on the same day 10 years earlier. Lombardi took a terrible Green Bay Packers team and led them to five NFL championships and the first two Super Bowls. He had a lifetime record of 105-35-6. Although Lombardi would be dead of cancer just nine months later, his legacy as an NFL coach is still unmatched.

In 1997: Barry Sanders of the Detroit Lions became the third player in NFL history (O.J Simpson, Eric Dickerson) to rush for over 2,000 yards in a season. Sanders’ 184 yards that day gave him a total of 2,053 for the season and helped the Lions clinch a playoff spot with an important 13-10 win over the New York Jets. It was the 14th straight 100-yard game of the season for Sanders, also an NFL record. Sanders retired after the following season despite being on the brink of passing Walter Payton on the NFL’s all-time rushing list. Sanders is the only player to have 1,000 yards in ten straight seasons.

Sanders’ moment was somewhat overshadowed when teammate Reggie Brown was severely injured in the same game. Brown collided with a Jets’ player and lay motionless on the turf for almost 20 minutes while paramedics scrambled to save his life. He suffered a career-ending spinal injury, but was able to walk again.