Author: clay

Categories
General Sports

Unless you make millions, lose the friggin’ jersey already!

We have a strict and simple belief that we live our lives by every single day and that is grown men should NEVER wear the jerseys of professional athletes. Just the idea of seeing some 42-year-old from Denver sporting a John Elway throwback makes us wanna puke. But, it happens everyday in this great country of ours and everyday we shed a tear over it. So, for the love of all things decent, if you have to wear a jersey, please take the advice of the Bleacher Report guys and just make sure it’s not one of these 10. Oh, or Michael Vick.

10. Any WNBA jersey (just wanted to get that out of the way first).

9. Randall Gay – I don’t think I’m really homophobic, saying that, I don’t even think a gay man would wear a jersey with “Gay” on the back of it. Good for Gay, he already has a Super Bowl ring, and in March, he’s headed back to his home state of Louisiana, signing with the Saints for $17.6 million.

8. Bill Buckner – Even after the Sox broke the curse and have one two World Series in the last few years, has anybody really forgiven Buckner in Boston? I don’t think I would take the chance of sporting a Buckner jersey anywhere around the Boston area.

7. Leon Lett – Although he was a two-time Pro Bowler and part of the Dallas Cowboys’ three Super Bowl victories in the `90s, he will probably be remembered for two real stupid/hilarious plays.

The first play coming in Super Bowl XXVII. Lett recovered a fumble on the 45-yard line and was running it back for a clear touchdown, at around the 10, Leon outstretched his arm with the ball. Not seeing a hustling Don Beebe, the ball was stripped and knocked out of the end zone, which resulted in a touchback. Granted, the play had no effect on the game at all, it must have been really embarrassing for Cowboy’s nation.

The second play came on a Thanksgiving Day game in ’93. With the Cowboys leading the Dolphins 14-13 in the closing seconds, Miami attempted a field goal. During the game, there was a rare snowstorm in Dallas which covered the field. Anyway, the Cowboys wound up blocking the kick.

While his teammates made a circle around the ball and started celebrating, Lett broke through to recover the ball. I don’t know if he even knows what he was thinking, but he slipped on the ice when trying to get it. The Dolphins recovered the ball on the one-yard line. Miami wound up winning the game.

Come to think of it, maybe I would wear his jersey; it would be a conversation starter.

6. Jose Canseco – Do I really have to explain why? Maybe I would wear his twin brother’s, Ozzie, jersey, now he was something special.

5. Rae Carruth – He was a first-team All-American wide receiver out of Colorado who was the 27th overall pick by the Carolina Panthers in 1997. In his rookie year, Carruth led all rookie receivers in receptions and receiving touchdowns. He showed a lot of promise. It all came to an end in 1999, when he conspired to commit murder. The victim was Carruth’s girlfriend who was pregnant with his twins at the time. He’s still in jail.

Wearing his jersey would be, let’s say in bad taste? Carruth’s number? 89. I guess it wasn’t the number; Steve Smith seems to be alright with it, unless he conspired in the elimination of running back Stephen Davis. Is it just me, or did he disappear very quickly?

4. Gheorge Muresan – The tallest player ever to play in the NBA. His number was 77, which was in reference to his 7’7″ frame. He was named Most Improved Player in the 1995-96 season when he put up solid numbers, averaging 14.5 points, 9.6 rebounds, and 2.6 blocks. He also gave a riveting performance co-starring with Billy Crystal in the movie My Giant where he played a big guy.

Did anybody ever sport a Muresan jersey? There had to of been, I think I remember them in the stands in his Washington Bullets days. As for me? I don’t like anybody over seven feet.

3. Aaron Rodgers – His jersey will be a novelty item the way things are going now. Will he ever start a game? Just a thought wouldn’t it be cool to see the Packers fans wearing Rodgers’ jerseys and the Packers fans wearing Favre jerseys fight? It would be a Green Bay Civil War.

2. Scott Norwood – “No Good! Wide right!” With Norwood’s 47-yard field goal miss, the Giants won Super Bowl XXV. Although he was the Bills all-time leading scorer, he will always be remembered for that kick. I might try to get a Ray Finkle jersey though. Finkle was the kicker based on Norwood in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, for those of you who didn’t get the reference. If only the laces were out, Norwood could be a Buffalo hero.

1. O.J. Simpson – Although the Juice is loose, his jersey isn’t. Pretty funny that his jersey has spent more time locked up than him. That is, until he finally catches the true killers. Then I can finally dust the magnificent shirt off, it just looks weird in my closet. I just can’t get rid of it; he is a former Heisman winner.

Also, please avoid these additional players from the NBA, NHL, NFL and MLB if at all possible.

Links:

[Bleacher Report]: Top 10 Most Unwearable Jerseys

Categories
All Other Sports

Pint-sized pain

Don’t ask us why, but we love seeing little kids get hurt. Not seriously injured, but enough to make them cry like little titty babies. So, today, we went to CollegeHumor.com and got more than our daily fill of kid-pain.

Here’s a tike learning the downside of being a man:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

And here’s little one finding out he’ll never participate in the X-Games:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.
Categories
General Sports

Finally, somebody besides Skip Bayless says something outlandish

As sports junkies, we get inundated with crazy opinions every single day. Mostly from the moronic panels of First Take and Around the Horn, but even those guys aren’t whacky enough to say what’s on most Americans minds. Nope, if you want to hear the real dirt from the world of sports then you need to turn to Epic Carnival because they’re willing to say the things nobody on TV has the balls to say. Like No. 5, for example.

10. Aaron Rodgers is better than Brett Favre

9. The fact that a WNBA team has hired a 50-year-old player does not say good things about the competitive level of the league

8. If some employer offered you ridiculous money to go to Europe, you’d go too

7. Unless a minor league team is having a brawl, manager meltdown, or topical publicity gag, no one gives a damn about anything they do

6. Mark Cuban has never won anything of consequence, whines like a spoiled child over any loss, and would in no way be perfect for the Cubs

5. Many people in the United States would be happier if Team USA lost in basketball, because they just hate the NBA and/or black people

4. The Baseball Hall of Fame’s posthumous induction of Buck O’Neill just underscores how much the Hall of Fame sucks

3. If Barry Bonds ever plays baseball again, he won’t be very good

2. 99% of the people who are watching footage of people running with the bulls are rooting for the bulls to crush as many people as possible

1. New stadium projects are almost always unnecessary at best, and rank corporate theft at worst… and they are aided and abetted by coddling the media in swankier rooms

Links:

[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Sports Opinions That You Will Not Hear On Television

Categories
Cincinnati Bengals

Hey, Carson, how’s their ass taste?

Carson Palmer recently talked smack about Ohio State and Buckeye nation is not happy. So, for revenge, the Bengals quarterback is getting slammed in a parody of The Needle and the Damage Done. It’s not as intimidating as a parody rap could have been, but we still think it should get the point across.

Neil Young must be so proud.

Categories
All Other Sports

Rack em up and get us another round

We all know that there’s nothing better than heading to your favorite local watering hole and throwing back one or two or 17 brewskis. It’s always a good time. But even with a bottomless supply of alcohol at your fingertips, without entertainment, a bar is basically useless. And when we say we entertainment, we pretty much mean hot chicks – trust us, even if they’re ugly, you drink enough and the place will start looking like the Playboy mansion – and games. Since the odds are pretty high that you’re slurred speech and insensitive pickup lines won’t work, here’s a list of the Top 10 Best Bar Sports to keep you occupied until your cab or the cops arrive to take you home or to the clink.

10. Dance Dance Revolution
9. Golden Tee
8. Deer Hunter
7. Foosball
6. Touch Screen
5. Wii
4. Beer Pong
3. Bubble Hockey
2. Darts
1. Pool

And if none of those sound appealing then you can always play a few rounds of Texas Scrotum Snatch.

Links:

[The Love of Sports]: Top 10 Best Bar Sports

Categories
All Other Sports

Easily the best beach volleyball scene since Top Gun

If you like high-budget, FX enhanced, blockbusters like The Matrix, Spiderman, Terminator or Indiana Jones then you’ll love DOA: Dead or Alive. Actually, that’s a load of horse crap because the movie looks like a total waste of time that could be better utilized tweezing your nose hairs or popping your dog’s anal glands. Actually, we take that back. There is a pretty sick volleyball scene that makes Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon look like Anaconda. And Jamie Pressly in a bikini never hurt anybody either.


DOA – Beach Volleyball – Funny bloopers are a click away

BONUS: Here’s that Top Gay Gun scene you’ve been thinking about since reading this entry’s title.

Categories
All Other Sports

"Take me out to the politically incorrect ballgame…"

We here at SportsColumn absolutely abhor political correctness. So, obviously, we’re thrilled to be heading out to the ballpark tonight to take in a few innings of minor league baseball on Politically Incorrect Night. Don’t worry, don’t worry; the oh-so-annoying Bill Maher is not scheduled to be in attendance to see the Lowell Spinners. Sigh of relief

Thur, July 24th @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Incorrect Night
– The stadium will have `men only’ entrances to the game because men are obviously the superior creatures
– The first 250 women to attend the game will be given Lowell Spinners potholders so that they can properly cook dinner for their husbands
– There will be designated napping areas around the park available for all senior citizens to `rest their eyes’ because old people get tired quickly
– Fans are encouraged to drive to the game separately and will be given complimentary gas cards in an effort to use up as much gas as possible
– Cars will be needlessly driven between innings as a tribute to gas guzzlers

Pretty cool, huh. Wasting gas, putting women in check and watching baseball, it just doesn’t get any better than that! Certainly beats the heck out of Wednesday night’s theme.

Wed, July 23rd @ LeLacheur Park – Politically Correct Night
– Gender neutral terms will be used, ie: `first baseperson’ instead of `first baseman’, `batperson’ instead of `batboy’
– Non-demeaning terms will be used as well, ie: `vertically-challenged stop’ instead of ‘shortstop’
– Players that commit an error will not be named in an effort to make sure their feelings don’t get hurt (This one would help Lugo out!)
– There will be no specific `Fan Of The Game.’ Everyone that attends will be recognized as a `fan of the game’
– Fans will be encouraged to `Go Green’ by recycling while at the park, and carpooling or using public transportation to get to the game

We’re curious as to how they referred to the term stealing home.

Links:

[SoxAddict.org]: The Lowell Spinners go PC and Non-PC
[LowellSpinners.com]: Spinners Get Politically Correct, Incorrect This Week

Categories
New York Yankees

Odds and Ends: This whole Alex Rodriguez sex scandal could have easily been avoided

Athletes and infidelity go together like peanut butter and jelly or like athletes and hookers. They’re simply made for each other, but that doesn’t mean that the cheating has to become public. According to BlackSportsOnline.com, an athlete doesn’t have to keep it in their pants in order to keep their name out of the paper. Simply following this list of The 10 Bona Fide Commandments For The Cheating Athlete should be more than enough.

I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.

II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.

III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.

IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.

V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

VI- THOU SHALL NEVER CHEAT WITH AN OBSESSED FAN.

VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.

VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.

IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.

X- THOU SHALL TREAT BOTH YOUR “SIDE-PIECE” & YOUR WIFE LIKE A QUEEN.

Learn it. Memorize it. Live by it.

In other news…

[Tirico Suave]: Kerry Collins stars in “God Dammit”

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: Peter King stars in “Peter King Needs A Latte”

[Heavy.com]: Top 10 old school WWF wrestlers

[Gossip Girls]: Kim Kardashian might be on Dancing With the Stars. Schwing

[Deuce of Davenport]: Crazy-ass NFL merchandise, including the “creepiest sleeping bag ever”

[All Balls]: Just follow the bouncing boobs. Oh, god, we mean breasts. Uh, err, no, balls; wait, ball. Yea, that’s it; just follow the bouncing boobs. Dammit

[Rear Naked News]: Michael Bisping might have a death wish

[NE Patriots Draft]: More of Brett Favre this…

[StarTribune.com]: And more of Brett Favre that

[The Associated Press]: Congratulations on becoming the drunkest guy ever, Mr. 0.491 Percent Blood Alcohol Level

[The City of Champions]: The ol `Take off your shirt so we can get a picture of you and Photoshop it onto the cover of a gay porn rag’ trick gets `em every time

[The Redshirt Senior]: College pigskin’s top 10 lids

[Storming the Floor]: Texas set to retire Kevin Durant’s jersey. Sure, it was one heckuva season, but, damn!

[LAist.com]: UCLA is soooo totally ass-some

[Banned In Hollywood]: What? Allison’s back?? Quick, how’s our hair?

[FunnyOrDie.com]: Handsome + Me + Funny = Host

[SlashFilm.com]: Can you believe The Big Lebowski is already 10 years old?! Our baby’s growing up so quickly

And finally, when “Haha, now you’re dead!” is the absolute best you can do, these are the guys to call on.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.
Categories
General Sports

John Daly would be perfect as The Penguin. Are you listening, Christopher Nolan?

The latest Batman movie is quickly becoming the most popular ever in the series. And we see no end in sight. The Batman franchise will live forever and as long as hunky actors are willing to strap on the rubber abs and cod piece then so will the Batman movie empire. But to keep things spicy, here are some suggestions for athletes who could play some of the more notorious villains. After all, we all know how incredible athletes are at acting. Right, Darius?

10. The Scarecrow = Bob Sanders
Like Dr. Jonathon Crane, the 5-7 Sanders isn’t physically imposing at first glance. But both Scarecrow and Sanders are masters of creating fear. Just ask any NFL receiver who try to go over the middle against the Colts.

9. Ichiro = Ra’s al Ghul
After hearing about Ichiro’s profanity laced All-Star Game pep talks, is there any doubt that he’d make a great superhero villain? People also seem to believe the impossible from Ra’s al Ghul, which is kind of similar to how everyone thinks Ichiro could hit a lot homers, you know, if he was into that sort of thing.

8. Poison Ivy = Madonna
Though she’s not technically an athlete, Madonna has been at the center of sports biggest story for the last month. Anyways, we’re pretty sure he could kick Mike Fontenot’s ass, so that’s got to count for something.

7. Catwoman = Camilo Villegas
The picture speaks for itself.

6. Mr. Freeze = Greg Norman
Get it, because Norman `freezes’ up in golf’s biggest moments? Come on, I thought it was creative. Plus, Norman’s wife, former tennis star Chris Evert, is old enough to soon be cryogenically frozen. The similarities are remarkable.

5. The Riddler = Ricky Williams
Much like Edward Nigma, you never know what you’re going to get from Williams. One day he was the NFL’s best tailback, the next he quit the league and forfeited millions so he was free to get cheesy.

4. Bane = Shawne Merriman
Both Bane and Merriman seem to possess other worldly strength, and neither did it naturally. Still, I personally have never seen Bane taken out by Maurice Jones Drew. Advantage: Bane.

3. The Joker = Milton Bradley
The Joker is all about anarchy, and I would imagine Milton Bradley shares the same values. Both Joker and Bradley seem to act on a whim, while destruction surrounds them. Just the way they like it.

2. Two Face = Carlos Boozer
Boozer seemed like a good guy at Duke and in Cleveland, just as Harvey Dent did as Gotham’s DA. But both took a turn for the worst. Say what you will about Dent, but at least he never screwed over a blind man.

1. The Penguin = John Daly
Both are fat slobs that moonlight as heroes of the underground. Both have bad vices: for Daly, it’s Hooters and ciggarettes, for Penguin it’s birds and umbrellas. Maybe the strangest coincidence? Both of these freaks are filthy rich.

Links:

[TopTenChicagoSports.com]: Top ten athletes that would make great Batman villains

Categories
All Other Sports

Rick Mahorn flashes back to the late 80s, mistakes Lisa Leslie for Larry Bird

In case you missed it – wait, what the hell are we saying? Of course you missed it, we’re talking WNBA here. The odds of someone actually catching the Malice in the Palace Part Deux live is about as likely as Andy Dick being crowned winner of season two of The Pick-up Artist. But, as with any catfight, word spread quickly amongst the male community and televisions around the world simultaneoulsly tuned to ESPN and, in unison, we waited for our highlights to arrive. Oh, and arrive they did.

So after watching that we know plenty about the brawl and the aftermath, but somewhere in the melee we lost focus of what caused the first ever WNBA brawl. Luckily, Epic Carnival has narrowed it down to 11 possibilities.

11. It’s what the audience wants, though it would have been so much better with just a little hair pulling and wardrobe malfunctions

10. When it’s the Shock and the Sparks, you just have to expect this kind of intensity, dammit

9. Shock assistant coach Rick Mahorn had a flashback to his past lives

8. Lisa Leslie’s kid wouldn’t go to sleep last night, so she was kind of on edge

7. David Stern told the league that if they didn’t do something to get publicity, he’d cancel the apples and salt licks

6. Someone called Mahorn fat, which is totally unfair, as he’s just retaining water at this time of the month

5. Not enough foreign-born players in the league to defray actual hostilities with comic flopping

4. Players are still bitter over the lack of fantasy league action on their games

3. Trying to eliminate all differences from the men’s game, even the ones that are probably good

2. The WNBA’s several dollar fines are not enough of a deterrent to the players, many of whom make four figures

1. The collective prayers of sports bloggers desperate for a train wreck event to write about were answered

Oh, and PMS too.

Links:

[Epic Carnival]: Top 11 Causes Of Tonight’s WNBA Brawl