Categories
Chicago Cubs

FOUND: Charlie Weis’ audition tape for The Three Tenors

Anytime someone climbs up to the announcer’s box at a Cubbies game for an opportunity to lead the home crowd in “Take Me Out To The Ballgame,” it’s usually going to end with cats screeching and dogs howling. After all, when is the last time you were watching WGN and saw a rendition that made you stand and applaud? Never, that’s when. So, as expected, when Charlie Weis hoisted himself up to the skybox, he proved he’s tone deaf and we got a kick out of it.

That was pretty bad, but don’t worry, Ozzy, you’re still the man.

Categories
NFL General

The mighty Madden video game foretells the future

When in doubt, ask John Madden. That’s what we always say. By the time he finishing bumbling his words, you always have a clearer outlook on things. Of course, you gotta listen to him actually speak in that annoying tone if you do that and then you’re running the risk of getting list pieces of turduckin spit all over you and that’s never pleasant. Plus, the stench from his mouth. Oh, god, the stench. So, actually, nevermind, don’t ask John anything in person. Let’s just leave all the formulating of intelligent ideas to his video game which predicts the Cowboys take it all this year and here’s how.

Playoffs 2008
NFC Division Champions: North – Vikings
South – Buccaneers
West – Rams
East – Cowboys
Wildcards – Saints and Redskins

AFC Division Champions: North – Steelers
South – Colts
West – Chargers
East – Patriots
Wildcards – Jets and Jaguars

Wild Card
The Jaguars went on the road and upset the Chargers, 23-20, by virtue of 147 rushing yards from Fred Taylor. Tampa Bay blew out New Orleans, 37-13, with Drew Brees throwing five — count them — five interceptions. Indianapolis held serve against the Jets for a 37-20 victory that offered some revenge for the 41-0 shellacking the Jets laid on them in January of 2003, while the Rams dominated the Redskins in the latter’s second straight disappointing playoffs, winning 34-6.

Divisional Round
The Patriots knocked out the Jaguars for the third time this decade, prevailing in a snowy 30-10 battle that saw Lawrence Maroney score three touchdowns. The Colts were unable to claim revenge on the Steelers for their early-2005 loss, with the Steelers winning 19-10. In the NFC, the Cowboys outscored the Rams in a shootout, with three DeMarcus Ware sacks contributing to a 38-24 victory, while the upset of the week saw the Buccaneers blow out the Vikings and poor Tarvaris Jackson on the road, 37-13.

Conference Finals
The Patriots famously blew out the Steelers’ following Anthony Smith’s trash talk in Week 14 of 2007; this game was closer, but a 25-21 victory with a wild finish gave the Patriots their Super Bowl spot. The game came down to an Ellis Hobbs interception in the end zone on the Steelers’ final drive. Their opposition was provided by the Cowboys, who beat the Buccaneers in another classic, 21-17. Tony Romo led the Cowboys down the field in the final two minutes, and when he hit tight end Jason Witten for an 18-yard touchdown pass with :39 left on the clock, the Buccaneers were heartbroken and finished.

Super Bowl
In the Super Bowl, the Patriots started off with the ball, marched down the field, and scored thanks to a Lawrence Maroney touchdown, giving them a 7-0 lead. There was no scoring until the end of the half, when a Stephen Gostkowski field goal put the Patriots up 10-0 heading into halftime.

Coming out of halftime, the Cowboys were clearly an inspired team. They scored when Tony Romo ran the ball in from six yards out, making the score 10-7. The Patriots responded with a huge kickoff return, but couldn’t move the ball and could only muster a field goal. That was topped when Isaiah Stanbeck returned the resulting kickoff 95 yards, giving the Cowboys a 14-13 lead. Each team traded field goals on their next possessions, and as the fourth quarter started, the Cowboys led by the narrowest of margins: 17-16.

The Patriots kicked another field goal, Gostkowski’s fourth of the game, to take a 19-17 lead. From there, the Cowboys were forced to punt, and the Patriots drove to the Cowboys 2, only for a Zach Thomas sack to force the Patriots to kick yet another field goal; Gostkowski’s sixteenth point of the game made the score 22-17.

With three minutes left, Tony Romo launched the drive of his life, the highlight being a 4th-and-2 on his own 33-yard-line where he hit Terrell Owens on a slant for a first down, only for Owens to break a tackle and scamper all the way down to the Patriots 19. Two plays later, Marion Barber ran in from eight yards out to make the score 23-22; they added a two-point conversion to make it 25-22.

Giving Tom Brady the ball with 84 seconds left seemed scary enough, but much like last year, Brady couldn’t get his drive started. He nearly threw an interception on first down, was sacked by Thomas on second down on a play where no one got open, was sacked by Ware on third down, and on fourth-and-26, Brady’s completed pass came up five yards short, ending the season and giving the Cowboys their sixth Super Bowl. Thomas was named the game’s MVP.

Links:

[IGN]: 2008 Season Simulation

Categories
All Other Sports

The Jackass generation continues to thrive

Who says the Olympics need an extravagant torch lighting ceremony? We’d be perfectly happy if they did something simple and classy like this:

Our favorite part is pre-inferno when the idiot who’s letting himself be lit on fire calls the other idiot an idiot. What an idiot.

Categories
Fantasy Football

Everyone thinks they can win, that’s why it’s fantasy football


For all of the hours of late night studying, countless mock drafts, finger-number stat surfing and spousal neglect you put yourself through during the months leading up to and through the fantasy football season, odds are, you have absolutely nothing to show for it. As we all know from painful seasons past, there can be only one champion per year and the rest of the league is just a bunch of envious losers. So, just accept your fate now because Epic Carnival already has the Top 10 Reasons Why You Won’t Win Your Fantasy Football League.

10. Overpreparation.
9. Underpreparation.
8. Karma.
7. Draft position.

6. Fear.
5. Inebriation.

4. Endurance.
3. Homerism.
2. Callousness.
1. Idiocy.

So, pull out of those 15 leagues you’re in right now because you don’t have a chance in hell. Or at the very least, be ready to get a lot of shirt pointing from the lucky rookie of your league who manages to run the table.

Links:

[Epic Carnival]: Top 10 Reasons Why You Won’t Win Your Fantasy Football League

Categories
All Other Sports

The lovely and gullible Maria Sharapova

For some strange reason, we can totally see Stu Scott pulling something like this.


This Is Sportscenter ~~~~The best video clips are here

Categories
General Sports

The top 50 sports jerks

There’s a lot of jerks in this world and it just so happens that many of them are professional athletes. Say what you will, but sports would be a much different place without them. They certainly keep things spicy and we love/loathe them for it. So, without further ado, here’s CBSSports.com list of the Top 50 Sports Jerks.

50. Albert Belle
49. Art Modell
48. Isiah Thomas
47. Bill Parcells
46. John McEnroe
45. Ray Lewis
44. The federal government.
43. Diego Maradona
42. Bill Romanowski
41. Jeremy Foley
40. Lawrence Taylor
39. Bobby Fischer
38. Scott Boras
37. Randall Simon
36. Don King
35. Wilt Chamberlain
34. Dale Earnhardt Sr.
33. Totally, completely, psychotically overboard fans of Barbaro
32. Claude Lemieux
31. (tie) Tony Stewart and Danica Patrick
29. Rasheed Wallace
28. Terrell Owens
27. Stephon Marbury
26. Kennesaw Mountain Landis
25. Tommy Lasorda
24. Mike Tyson
23. Ron Artest
22. Tonya Harding
21. Ben Johnson
20. Pacman Jones
19. Latrell Sprewell
18. John Rocker
17. Ko-Me Bryant
16. Barry Bonds
15. Reggie Jackson
14. Marion Jones
13. Mark McGwire
12. Manny Ramirez
11. Reggie Bush
10. Todd Bertuzzi
9. Robert Irsay
8. Bob Knight
7. Brett Favre
6. Pete Rose
5. John Daly
4. Ty Cobb
3. Tim Donaghy

2. Mike Vick
1. Roger Clemens

Yep, you can look it over one more time, but you’re eyes are not deceiving you. OJ Simpson and Rae Carruth did not, we repeat, did not make the cut! Apparently, “If you’re a murderer, well, you’re probably a jerk. Duh.” Talk about ridiculous reasoning! Don’t raping women and eating ears (Mike Tyson), corrupting the NBA (Tim Donaghy) and electrocuting pitbulls (Mike Vick) constitute as no brainers for jerkiness anymore?

Links:

[CBSSports.com]: Top 50 Sports Jerks, the Sequel: Pity these fools

Categories
All Other Sports

OUCH! Right in the foosballs!

Talk about being disappointed in ourselves; we’ve been playing foosball since childhood and never once have we attempted to use the table as a source of humor/pain.

What’s next? Is someone going to tell us we could have been racking our friends during all those years of practicing karate too?

Categories
Minnesota Vikings

Meet the NFL’s version of Linus

When you’re 6 foot-6 inches tall, weigh around 270 pounds and play defensive end in the NFL, you’re automatically a tough guy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a soft side. For the Vikings’ Jared Allen, his soft side includes a never-leave-home-without-it blankie. Awwwww.

“On one side, it’s brown and red, almost like a plaid layout,” Allen said, squinting into the sun after Saturday morning’s practice. “The other side has blue, with little strings on it, and ‘All-Pro’ written on it in little footballs.

“Grandma made me my first blankie. They wrapped me in it when I was born, and I had it up until I was 14, when it got all torn up.

“I wouldn’t let it go, so my dad’s customer made me a replacement.”

Discovering that Allen sleeps with his blankie — which he also refers to as his “b’ankie” — is like finding out Superman crocheted his own cape, watches “Will & Grace” and unwinds with lilac-scented candles after saving the world. (As Jerry Seinfeld said, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”)

“It’s my little slice of home,” Allen said. “What I really like is, even when it’s hot, my blankie stays cool. It’s always the perfect temp. You just cuddle up with it.”

Having a b’ankie might be kinda silly (don’t tell him we said that though), but it’s much better than what most NFL players “cuddle” up with at night; primarily hookers and skanks.

Links:

[StarTribune.com]: Newest Viking goes nite-nite with his b’ankie

Categories
Seattle Mariners

Odds and Ends: Ichiro goes bananas

Ever since we heard about Ichiro Suzuki’s out of character behavior every year at the All-Star Game, we thought something about the story sounded a little fishy. Well, we were right. As it turns out, Ichiro was accidentally exposed to the blast of a test detonation of a gamma bomb as a child. The effects were startling, making him a baseball machine, but also creating an emotional and impulsive alter ego. When anger or frustration set in, the transformation occurs. So, please, whenever around Ichiro, don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

In other news…

[D.C. Sports Bog]: Colt Brennan is a system QB…and a dork

[FoodCourtLunch.com]: Super Bowl halftime performer odds are released

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]: `Joe Simpson’s Daughter Touching Company’ and other snazzy fantasy football team names

[IntentionalFoul.com]: LeBron says the USA is as good as gold

[Chicago Bull]: Would you want to wrestle a Long Wang?

[eTrueSports.com]: “Brett, who is this Purple People Eater that keeps texting you?”

[Sportaphile.com]: Wow, has it really been 25 years and day since this…

[Bugs & Cranks]: We thought it was just passion, but cocaine is much more reasonable

[SimonOnSports.com]: We did much better on the “What Bra Size Do I Wear? Erin Andrews Edition”

[Fanhouses Boxing]: Wait, we missed the World Chess Boxing Championships again?!?

[The Zone Blitz]: A tour of Pac-10 stadiums, Google Earth style

[Mr. Irrelevant]: Redskins bust out the big balls to practice for upcoming Wipeout tryouts

[The Big Lead]: Last night’s minor league baseball rumble from a fan’s POV

[ABC News]: Ricky Williams is all over this article

[Blue Monkey Disco Party]: Bet you don’t have these cards in your collection

[Our of Right Field]: Remember this guy?

[Metacafe.com]: Some call it a prank, we call it a GREAT day

And finally, dude, use your star power!

Categories
NFL General

The lost tapes of Erin Andrews’ early days in the sports biz

We know that you can’t wait for the NFL season to roll around. The anticipation is enough to make you want to cryogenically freeze yourself so you can peacefully sleep until its time to draft your fantasy team. Well, here’s a little something to help dull the pain of everyday life without the pigskin flying. Just try to watch this and not want to forget about football for the rest of your life.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die