General Sports

The top 50 sports jerks

There’s a lot of jerks in this world and it just so happens that many of them are professional athletes. Say what you will, but sports would be a much different place without them. They certainly keep things spicy and we love/loathe them for it. So, without further ado, here’s list of the Top 50 Sports Jerks.

50. Albert Belle
49. Art Modell
48. Isiah Thomas
47. Bill Parcells
46. John McEnroe
45. Ray Lewis
44. The federal government.
43. Diego Maradona
42. Bill Romanowski
41. Jeremy Foley
40. Lawrence Taylor
39. Bobby Fischer
38. Scott Boras
37. Randall Simon
36. Don King
35. Wilt Chamberlain
34. Dale Earnhardt Sr.
33. Totally, completely, psychotically overboard fans of Barbaro
32. Claude Lemieux
31. (tie) Tony Stewart and Danica Patrick
29. Rasheed Wallace
28. Terrell Owens
27. Stephon Marbury
26. Kennesaw Mountain Landis
25. Tommy Lasorda
24. Mike Tyson
23. Ron Artest
22. Tonya Harding
21. Ben Johnson
20. Pacman Jones
19. Latrell Sprewell
18. John Rocker
17. Ko-Me Bryant
16. Barry Bonds
15. Reggie Jackson
14. Marion Jones
13. Mark McGwire
12. Manny Ramirez
11. Reggie Bush
10. Todd Bertuzzi
9. Robert Irsay
8. Bob Knight
7. Brett Favre
6. Pete Rose
5. John Daly
4. Ty Cobb
3. Tim Donaghy

2. Mike Vick
1. Roger Clemens

Yep, you can look it over one more time, but you’re eyes are not deceiving you. OJ Simpson and Rae Carruth did not, we repeat, did not make the cut! Apparently, “If you’re a murderer, well, you’re probably a jerk. Duh.” Talk about ridiculous reasoning! Don’t raping women and eating ears (Mike Tyson), corrupting the NBA (Tim Donaghy) and electrocuting pitbulls (Mike Vick) constitute as no brainers for jerkiness anymore?


[]: Top 50 Sports Jerks, the Sequel: Pity these fools

General Sports

Avoiding Career-Threatening Scandals For Sports Dummies

Americans love their sports and, more importantly, they love their sports stars. Of course, we’ll turn our backs on you in a heartbeat if you cross the line between athletic ability and stupidity. In-game stupidity is one thing, but once an athlete starts displaying questionable behavior off the field/court/ice/etc. then it’s usually game over from a fan’s perspective. However, all the inconvenience of hate mail, on-air/in-print rippings from the media, loss of endorsement deals and reverberating boos during work can be avoided if athletes will just avoid breaking any of the Seven Deadly Sins of Sports Celebrity as identified by the fellas over at East Coast Bias.

Any scandal involving even accusations of racism immediately takes on another level of significance. Sportswriters just love any chance to trot out pages of righteous indignation that race is still an issue in America today.
Examples: Jimmy the Greek, Duke Lacrosse, Kelly Tilghman

Anything Involving Figure Skating
For some reason, figure skating scandals are always bigger than they should be. Maybe it’s because there’s not much else going on in the Winter Olympics or maybe the sports media thinks they can attract some female readership. Whatever the reason, figure skating scandals reach epic proportions very quickly.
Examples: Harding-Kerrigan, Canadian Silver Medalists (the French judge)

Old White Men Having Kinky Sex
The idea that old white men (especially the straight-laced ones) might have interesting sex lives is always a big story. It’s hilarious to think that the guy who reads you the scores during the day is dressing up in drag that night.
Examples: Marv Albert, Pat O’Brien, Max Mosely

Gambling scandals bring with them a degree of seediness. When people think of gambling scandals, there’s always intimations that maybe the mob is involved. Gambling also calls into question the integrity of sports, so people take it very seriously.
Examples: Tim Donaghy, Charles Barkley, Pete Rose, Nikolay Davydenko

Cruelty to Animals
This one caught a lot of people off guard when the Mike Vick dog fighting story broke. People assumed that a scandal involving dogs wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Those people were wrong. Americans love their dogs more than their families, and anyone treating animals badly will quickly become a pariah.
Examples: Mike Vick, Vince Young

Anything Involving Feces
Poop makes a scandal way more interesting. Or maybe disgusting. Or just smelly. Whatever it is, if an athlete is involved with a poop scandal, it will haunt him for the rest of his career.
Examples: Najeh Davenport, Osi Umenyiora

Killing Your White or Pregnant Wife
The granddaddy of them all. If you kill your white or pregnant wife, even if you are acquitted, you’re in trouble.
Examples: OJ Simpson, Rae Carruth

Oh, and don’t forget about blasting your limo driver with a shotgun and then attempting to make the death look like a suicide or attempting to frame your murdered player as a drug dealer in order to cover your own ass.


[East Coast Bias]: Seven Deadly Sins of Sports Celebrity

All Other Sports

OJ Simpson used his one phone call to check his voicemail

Last week we brought you a voice recording that surfaced of OJ Simpson as he went all Mafioso on some sports memorabilia guys. Well, there’s been another incredible find and it just reaffirms the fact that it really sucks to be the Juice.

Sorry, OJ, but if Johnny Cochran’s in heaven or hell then you’re going to jail.


[Our Book of Scrap]: The Juice Checks His Messages From The Slam

General Sports

Mr. President, sir, your problems in Iraq are over. O.J. Simpson is on the case, sir.

Have you seen the television series starring O.J. Simpson? No, not the one where he pretends to be Ashton Kutcher as he attempts to sell unsuspecting car buyers his infamous white Bronco; we’re talking about The O.J. Simpsons. has released a series of animated briefs that parody FOX’s The Simpsons but instead of Homer eating doughnuts, mmmm doughnuts, you get the Juice licking blood off a butcher’s knife. Apparently FOX isn’t too happy about the mockery of their famous animated family and wants all the cartoons removed. Good luck with that.

Here’s a look at an episode entitled “Warzone.”

Don’t worry, there’s more where that came from. After the jump, you can see O.J. explain what happened to mommy to the Simpson kids in “If I Did It” and then enjoy the antics of the Juice and his buddies Mel Gibson and Michael Richards as they celebrate the holidays in “Black and White Christmas.”


[]: `O.J. Simpsons’ parody earns Fox’s ire
[Ad Freak]: Fox unamused by `O.J. Simpsons’ parody

General Sports

Odds and Ends: Maybe OJ was just looking for the real killer?

Jeff Ruby, the owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville, KY told OJ Simpson that he was not going to serve him and that he should leave. According to Ruby, Simpson said he understood and gathered up his dinner party and left.

However, the story doesn’t stop there. Simpson’s attorney said the incident was about race and he wanted to pursue the matter and get the restuarant’s liquor license revoked. Wait a second here. We’re pretty sure that this isn’t like the Barry Bonds poll, everybody thinks Simpson did it. Ruby said he’s gotten about a hundred positive emails regarding the incident.

In other news…

[KDSK]: Chicago Bears are the Super Bowl Champs in Africa

[]: Apparently, some people aren’t happy about NHL commissioner Gary Bettman’s performance

[Indy Star]: Shocker: Greg Oden selects Mike Conley Sr as his agent

[Denver ost]: Freddy Adu, the Next in soccer is making more headlines in golf

[The Big Lead]: Gia Allemand hits Maxim

[WBRS Sports]: Isn’t denying him sex for the playoffs an incentive for Tony Parker to throw games?

And finally, we weren’t sure whether to jump on this blogger celebrity but… what the hell, she’s 18. Picture of high school pole vaulter hottie after the jump.

All Other Sports

Odds and Ends: Horses get accused of being juiced

We always knew that Seabiscuit was full of crap.

First it was limited to the world of bicycling and Lance Armstrong, then it hopped over to baseball with Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Conseco and Barry Bonds to mention a few. And now we can’t even enjoy coverage of the Kentucky Derby without having to endure a bunch of conspiracy theories involving the purity of blood cells and muscle density. All the horses will be drug tested prior to the race in order to uphold the integrity of the event. Apparently, Barbaro wrote a book before his death that exposed some of the other horses as being users of enhancing substances.

In other news…

[ESPN]: When it comes to golf, Derek Jeter is no Ryan Longwell.

[Yahoo]: “Naked man superglued to exercise bike during heist.” Ummm… ok.

[]: Barry Bonds isn’t the only Giant with a drug problem. Wonder if they shared needles?

[Yahoo Sports]: Tractor Traylor’s cousin was a bad man. A rich man, but a bad man.

[Larry Brown Sports]: Please fire Scott Van Pelt. Please fire Scott Van Pelt. Please fire Scott Van Pelt…

[]: The Juice finds time during his hunt for the real killer to enjoy a day at the track.

And finally, for all you house hunters out there, 50 Cent’s 52-room mansion in Connecticut is up for sale. 50 bought the house, which used to be owned by Mike Tyson, for $4.1 million in 2003 and has since spent around $6 million to pimp his crib. According to the agent who was listing the house when Iron Mike was there, “He’s put a lot into it, and it’s all very tasteful, except the stripper poles.”

General Sports

These guys are not bringing sexy back

You callin’ me ugly? Why I oughta…

So, The Phoenix decided to release their list of “The 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007” and it is a pretty good compilation of ugly dudes. But, here at Sportscolumn, we’re only fascinated with the most hideous, stomach turning sports dudes that made the list. Well, we’re not really fascinated with them. It’s more like we’re just interested in them. Uh, not interested in them as in interested in them; oh, geez, forget it. Here’s who made the list:

#90 – John Kruk, Roundballer

#74 – Peyton Manning, Spokesmodel

#72 – George Steinbrenner, Evil emperor

#62 – Larry Bird, Gomer Pyle with skillz

#57 – Randy Johnson, Buzzardly hurler

#55 – Ronaldinho, Goal getter

#53 – Bud Selig, Baller, shot-caller

#45 – The Duke Lacrosse Team, Player haters

#43 – Pacman Jones, Rainmaker

#40 – Curt Schilling, Bloggist

#37 – Tony Kornheiser, Roundtablist

#31 – Bill Belichick, Player-coach

#25 – O.J. Simpson, First-time novelist

Just so you have a sense of where exactly on the line of ugly these guys rank, here’s some notable markers to keep in mind. #82 – The Geico Caveman, #61 – Harry Knowles, #42 – Jeff Foxworthy, #36 – Brian Posehn, #28 – Dustin “Screech” Diamond, #24 – Phil Spector, #3 – Flavor Flav and, of course, #1 – Donald Trump. Just imagine if The Donald had his head shaved at Wrestlemania; actually that might have improved his looks.


[The Phoenix]: The 100 Unsexiest Men 2007

NFL General

OJ Simpson is Anna Nicole’s baby daddy?

OJ Simpson thinks he might be the father of Anna Nicole’s baby Dannielynn but actually doesn’t want it to be his because he’s afraid that Fred Goldman (the guy who owns OJ at this point) will try to seize her money. OJ is kidding right? We think so but anyone who can convince himself he didn’t kill two people can convince himself anything.

The double-murder acquittee “said he was throwing his hat into the ring,” Norm Pardo told Page Six. Pardo is the videographer who amassed 70 hours of footage of Simpson from 2000 to 2005. “He said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father.” Simpson and Smith were castmates in “Naked Gun 331/3: The Final Insult” (1994), and Anna Nicole was certainly O.J.’s type.

Do we really need to put acquittee? Can’t we just replace “acquittee” with “er”? Anyway, the quote makes no sense. Somehow having slow-moving sperm would be the key to knocking up Anna Nicole Smith? Or maybe OJ had sex with her waaaay before Danielynn was born and thinks his sperm just took a while to eventually get there.

Finally, check out the pic we cobbled of OJ and his alleged baby daughter. See the resemblance? Yeah, neither do we. This reminds us of the Chinese couple that had a black baby — they named it Someting Wong.


Miami Dolphins

Dec 18 in Sports History: Dolphins go undefeated

In 1972: With a 16-0 shutout of the Baltimore Colts, the Miami Dolphins (14-0) clinched the first-ever undefeated, untied regular season in NFL history. The ’72 Dolphins are not considered by many to be the most dominant team in history, although they did lead the league in scoring (385 pts) and gave up the fewest (171) behind the “No-Name Defense.” They won despite the fact that starting quarterback Bob Griese went down in the fifth game with an injury and did not return until the AFC Championship game. Earl Morrall, who was 38 years old by then, quietly took the reins and led the league in passing efficiency. Running backs Larry Csonka and Mercury Morris became the first teammates to rush for 1,000 yards in a season. Of course, the Dolphins won three straight in the postseason to finish 17-0; and now it’s just annoying when they annually pop the champagne when the last undefeated team in the NFL loses a game.

In 1973: Exactly 21 years, six months and 12 days before his ex-wife and her friend were found murdered, OJ Simpson ran a sweep left against the New York Jets for a short gain. That run on the cold, muddy Shea Stadium turf helped Simpson become the first ever NFL player to rush for over 2,000 yards in a season. He finished with 2,003 yards, won the league MVP and led the usually moribund Buffalo Bills to a winning record and almost a playoff berth. Other than that, nothing else ever happened in Simpson’s life and he plays golf all the time now.

General Sports

OJ Simpson plays Ashton Kutcher

For the low low price of $9.95 you can watch OJ selling the infamous white Bronco, dressed up as an Elvis impersonator, or selling oranges as a bum in his new pay-per-special called Juiced. It pretty much has the same “car wreck” appeal of the Simpson trial itself but, hell for $10, we’ll pretty much watch anything. Could Juiced be any worse than Benchwarmers? And plenty of people paid $10 to see that turd in the theaters.

OJ still owes a bunch of money to the Brown and Goldman families as a result of the civil suit so he’s not getting “paid” for his part. The producer of Juiced said, “Basically O.J. Simpson has decided to do this because he wants to do it, and he wanted to have fun with it.” And if you believe that, then you must believe the pranks were an elaborate scheme for OJ to track down the real killers. We’ll wager there’s an offshore account that recently got a bunch of dough deposited somewhere.

[ESPN]: Simpson pretends to sell the Bronco at a used car lot