Categories
Indianapolis Colts

Peyton Manning on Saturday Night Live

Following in the footsteps of Tom Brady, (isn’t he always following Tom Brady?  Well, except for that supermodels thing…) Peyton Manning will host Saturday Night Live on March 24.  

At first we weren’t so sure about this since Peyton seems like a stiff, but he has done 6,000 commercials and his appearance on David Letterman after the Super Bowl was pretty funny and not cringe inducing even once so maybe he’ll do a good job.  But there’s a big difference between scripted commercials and scripted live comedy as big as SNL.

We wonder if Eli will make a special guest appearance as the fuckup brother.

Here’s Tom Brady’s best sketch from SNL and even he looks a little awkward at times trying not to look at the camera.

Categories
NBA General

Around the Rim: Playing the Wade-ing Game


1.  The Dr. Will Be In Shortly
If you’re a Miami Heat fan, then today is a big day.  That’s because Dwyane Wade will receive the much anticipated second opinion on his left shoulder.  After that, D-Wade will make his decision between beginning a straight rehab program or opting for a season ending surgery.  Obviously, fans want Wade to return this year so that the Heat will have a shot at defending their title, but, in reality, it’s all about the dolla dolla bills, ya’ll.  Just ask Pacman Jones.  Like all athletes, health is Wade’s most valuable asset, so don’t be surprised when he decides to undergo the operation and leaves Shaq to carry on the hopes and dreams of an entire city.  The Heat have moved past Orlando and now sit four games behind the division leading Wizards.  But catching the Wiz isn’t going to be easy since they are expected to have their tremendous trio reunited on Friday as Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison both return from injuries.

2.  What’s My Name!?!
LaMarcus Aldridge showed everyone why he was selected second overall in the draft.  Last night, Aldridge scored a career-high 30 points as the Trailblazers utterly destroyed Charlotte, 127-90.  By the end of the third quarter, Aldridge had already put in all of his points while helping Portland build a 37 point lead.  His previous high of 18 was achieved in a pair of games against the Wizards and the Lakers last month.  The 30 points marked the best offensive game by a Portland rookie in 22 years!  But Aldridge wasn’t the only young gun on the Jailblazers to bitch slap the wretched Bobcats.  Martell Webster came off the bench to score 20 points and Brandon Roy blew up for 14 points, eight rebounds and nine assists.  While Aldridge still has a long way to go before he lives up to his high selection in the draft, it’s good for Portland to see a solid performance out of the franchise’s future; even if it is against Charlotte.

3.  Jazz Hole
As the media blitz continues to rush at John Amaechi, he continues to answer the endless questions coming from reporters, and he continues to do so honestly.  When on Fox Sports Radio, host Andrew Siciliano asked Amaechi if Utah coach Jerry Sloan is the worst coach he’s ever dealt with.  At first, Amaechi took the high road — “No, he’s the best coach I’ve ever played for in terms of his technical ability.”  Then John revealed his true feelings about the old-school ball coach.  “And without a doubt, he’s the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life, in terms of dealing with people.”  At least nobody can accuse Amaechi of sugar coating the situation.

Thursday’s Player of the Day:  Rashard Lewis vs. Los Angeles Clippers 45 min, 31 pts (FG: 10-19, 3FG: 2-5, FT: 9-10), 7 reb, 5 ast, 2 stl, 1 blk

Friday’s Game to Watch:  Orlando (28-31) @ San Antonio (39-18) These two had quite a contest back on February 9 when Dwight Howard’s last second inbounds slam capped off an 18 point comeback as the Magic slipped past the Spurs, 106-104.  But after losing four of five, San Antonio has ripped off a six game winning streak.  Orlando desperately needs a victory as they have fallen to third in their division, five games behind Washington.  The Magic have lost 17 of their last 23 games, but it’s not due to a lack of effort from their All-Star.  In February, Howard averaged 23 points, 13 rebounds and two blocks per game, and threw down a couple of sick slams over All-Star weekend.  Who knows, maybe Howard will “kiss the rim” on a breakaway during the game.

Buzzer Beater: Dennis Rodman is undergoing negotiations that would enable him to get back on the court this season.  Where is the Worm heading, you ask.   Maybe Dallas since the whole Reggie Miller talk fell through?  Or Cleveland who was pursuing Scottie Pippen?  The Lakers perhaps?  Nope, Rodman is in talks with the ABA’s Rochester Razorsharks.  If everything works out for Rochester, the eccentric rebounder would suit up as the team’s celebrity “13th Man” in one of the two final regular season home games which will be played on Tuesday and Thursday.  But the Razorsharks might want to consider shying away from the term “celebrity” in their promotions.  While Rodman is one of the best defensive players the NBA has ever seen, he is now joining local bar owner Moe Alaimo as the most recent “celebrities” to hoop it up with the defending league champions.

Categories
Soccer

Odds and Ends: Eagles fans – here’s your English soccer team


Remember when Bill Simmons went about looking for an English Premiere League team to cheer for and ended up taking Tottenham Hotspur? Well, Philadelphia Eagles fans now have their very own British soccer team to root for. Unfortunately, they play in Football League One which is 2 levels below the EPL. Why Millwall? Because “unnamed investors – thought to be linked with the Philadelphia Eagles American football team – want to sink an initial £5million into the Lions.” (Mirror UK)

And, as Bob from the Offside (and fellow Eagles fan) tells us, “Millwall’s fans have a reputation for thuggery much like the Eagles fans. A marriage made in heaven.” Well, that clinches it for us. Go Lions! (Now, to do something about those Cowboys colors…)

In other news…

[Cricinfo.com]: Cricket player is willing to cut off his injured finger… Ronnie Lott says, whatever

[LA Times]: Dodgers pitcher owns rock quarry worth billions

[The Offside]: Barcelona midfielder likes his hookers… take that, Lasorda

[Steroid Nation]: Are the Little Sisters of the Poor using that much Winnie and HGH?

[The Big Lead]: Scottie Pippen on Deal or No Deal is just sad

[SI]: Grocery store clerk indicted in last year’s dirty bomb hoax

[The Onion]: Report: Almost Nobody Raped During Duke’s First Lacrosse Match

[Valentine’s Views]: Schilling just can’t shut up

Categories
NBA General

Around the Rim: Oh No He Didn’!


1. Makin’ Bacon
We all know that Boston is clueless as a basketball team, but now we know that the lack of common sense reaches all the way to the team’s on air personalities. After radio analyst Cedric Maxwell observed what he believed was a questionable call during the Celtics-Rockets game on Monday, he said that female referee Violet Palmer should “go back to the kitchen” and “go in there and make me some bacon and eggs, would you?” Was Maxwell in a cave during the whole Tim Hardaway incident? Let me guess; that’s just how you talk, right? Maxwell apologized at last night’s game, but it could be too little too late. Entercom is the corporate owners of the radio station that Maxwell works for and, unfortunately for him, they don’t take too kindly to chauvinistic commentary. Entercom fired talk show host John DePetro in November after he called gubernatorial candidate Grace Ross a “fat lesbian” while doing a show last year.

2. Playoff Bound, For Now
New Orleans has been receiving some bad pub of late, but despite being hated on by front office officials and players alike, as a team, New Orleans has been doing pretty good for themselves. The finish line is approaching quickly and the Hornets are making a frantic push to make the postseason. With a healthy Chris Paul back in the lineup, New Orleans is sitting in the eighth position after winning seven of their last ten games including 107-100 victory over the lowly Hawks last night. Against Atlanta, CP3 went off for 24 points, five rebounds, 13 assists and four steals, while spurring Tyson Chandler and David West to double-double’s of their own. But the Hornets are going to have a tough time holding on to their playoff hopes with virtually every Western Conference team, minus Memphis, breathing down their necks.

3. The Matrix Replaced
Everybody is always talking about how important Steve Nash is to the Suns’ success, but apparently Shawn Marion is a pretty valuable piece. Without the Matrix last night, Phoenix fell to the 76ers and blew their opportunity to become the only team in league history to go undefeated in interconference road play. Marion didn’t play because of a bruised hand and a bruised quad. He has the complete package as a basketball player and is one of the most underrated players in the league every year. Marion could be a superstar on almost any other team, but unfortunately his talents are often overlooked as Nash and Amare Stoudemire grab the media spotlight. But while Nash and Stoudemire are becoming one of the best combinations in the league, it’s Marion’s 18 points on 52 percent shooting to go along with 10 rebounds, two assists, two steals and two blocks per game that are putting the Suns over the top.

Wednesday’s Player of the Day: Allen Iverson vs. Orlando 46 min, 34 pts (FG: 13-25, 3FG: 1-4, FT: 7-9), 4 reb, 7 ast, 5 stl

Thursday’s Game to Watch: Cleveland (33-24) @ Dallas (48-9) LeBron James has been on a tear of late, racking up at least 29 points in each of the last five games. And the Cavs are going to need another monumental effort if they are going the defeat the leagues hottest team. The Mavericks continue to plow over everyone in their way as their streak has grown to 13 consecutive games. But these aren’t the same Mavs you’re use to. This squad is playing defense. On Tuesday, Dallas set a franchise record by holding the Timberwolves to just 65 points and became the first team this year to hold Minnesota to under 30 percent shooting from the field (.296 on 24 of 81 FGs). The last time Cleveland visited Big D, James went off for 36 points, 12 rebounds and five assists, while Dirk chipped in 30 points, 13 rebounds and six assists as the Mavericks held on for a 91-87 victory. We could be in for a similarly thrilling contest.

Buzzer Beater: What’s up with the Celtics? After being the laughingstock of the league for practically the entire season, Boston goes off and uncharacteristically wins back-to-back games for the first time in two and a half months. To say this has been a tough year for the Celtics organization would be like saying Britney Spears has shown subtle symptoms of neurosis over the past few months. But maybe this is the turning point that will allow Boston to finish strong and end their season with some respectability. Oh, who am I fooling; tank ‘em all and grab Kevin Durant with the first pick.

Categories
NFL General

Pacman Jones tells us what’s wrong with the NFL drug policy


Pacman Jones is scheduled to appear in court this month for an obstruction of justice charge stemming from a fight with a police officer during a traffic stop. Pacman Jones in trouble again… yawn. (As the report mentioned, Jones has been in at least 10 off-the-field incidents involving police since being drafted.) Wake us up when he has to appear in court for the triple shooting at the Las Vegas strip club.

The Tennessean also mentions a marijuana bust last month that has since been dismissed. According to Mike Pruitt of the Fayette County Drug Task Force:


Jones showed up in a sports car as officers arrived at the home, and Pruitt smelled marijuana in the car.

“I asked him why his (Corvette) smelled so bad, and he said, ‘We were smoking it on the way down here from Nashville’.

“I asked him, ‘Why do you want to throw your career away for a bunch of marijuana junk?’ He said, ‘I know when I am going to get drug-tested, so I quit doing it.’ It’s just crazy.”

So basically, in the NFL, you can smoke weed and take HGH as much as you want because you know when the drug tests are coming and you can just take a ton of goldenseal and HGH can’t be detected in urine. Oh well, as long as we get our weekly ‘Jacked Up!’ segment, no one is complaining. Remember kids, they just play ball, they’re not role models.

Links:
[Tennessean]: Pacman faces felony charge in Georgia

Categories
MLB General

Tommy Lasorda couldn’t have paid for hookers… he’s too cheap!



Rumor: Lasorda likes his hookers to
dress up in panda suits

This story has been all over the blogosphere for a couple of days now and we’ve avoided it because the thought of Tommy Lasorda getting oral is pretty damn disgusting but there was a quote in the NY Post’s Page Six today that made us jump in.


Lasorda’s lawyer, Tony Cappazola, was also indignant. “He’s very upset. It’s a slimy book so full of inaccuracies. For instance, she says she called Tommy back on his cellphone and he didn’t even have a cellphone . . . She’s an over-the-hill, desperate hooker attempting to make a buck,” said the lawyer, who scoffed at Gibson’s claim that Lasorda paid $1,500 in cash. “You know Lasorda. He wouldn’t buy lunch,” Cappazola said.

This is what we call the Homer Simpson defense. I wasn’t drinking and driving… I was out buying porn! A lot of bloggers have wondered why Tommy Lasorda needs to pay for sex (he did lose 30 lbs in 3 months, you know). As Charlie Sheen said, he doesn’t pay them for sex, he pays them to go away.

Links:
[Page Six]: H’WOOD BIGS ON MADAM’S LIST

Categories
Soccer

Beckham (Victoria) gets U.S. reality show


The Beckhams’ attempted cultural takeover of America has begun. It has been confirmed that Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice has signed a deal to star in a reality show…er… “unscripted comedy series” about the Beckhams’ move to LA when David Beckham suits up for the LA Galaxy this summer. It’s your standard fish out of water premise, you know, just like Fresh Prince of Bel Air but with spoiled rich white people. Hilarity ensues.

Simon Fuller, creator of American Idol is set to produce and the show will be on NBC.


(Fuller) has so much success around the world with his TV shows and the respect and trust of everybody he works with.

This show is really something different. It’s pushing the boundaries, and I think it’s going to surprise a lot of people.

Why do celebrities always say their next project is going to “surprise a lot of people”. Listen, it’s going to surprise no one. The show will not push any boundaries. Victoria takes her kids out. Victoria goes to a Galaxy practice. Victoria goes to the spa. Victoria takes a wrong turn and ends up in a bad neighborhood in a very special episode of “Being Beckham”…

We’re sure America will tune in. Both the sports geeks and the starfuckers will be all over this at the get go. The question is whether it’s interesting enough to outlast Bonds on Bonds.

Links:
[SF Gate.com]: Beckham Reality Show Confirmed

Categories
All Other Sports

Jockey uses dildo for drug test


Jason Warrington was one of 19 track riders and jockeys nabbed in a drug raid at Toowoomba’s Clifford Park racecourse on Tuesday.

Warrington had left the track when he was asked by Queensland Racing stewards to come back to provide a urine sample for precautionary drug testing.

Acting chief steward John Hackett became suspicious of Warrington’s actions while he attempted to give a urine sample and caught him squeezing urine from a dildo concealed inside his pants.

Warrington confessed he had panicked when asked to provide a urine sample as he had smoked marijuana at a weekend party.

Can’t you just imagine the guy in his car trying to put the urine into the dildo. The original Whizzinator company just found a whole new market down under.

Links:
[The Age]: Steward catches jockey using sex aid for drug test

Categories
NBA General

Around the Rim: Livingston’s Road to Recovery


1. In Kneed of Therapy
Shaun Livingston will miss the remainder of the season after ripping his knee to shreds in a game versus the Bobcats. If you just heard the diagnosis, you’d probably think we were talking about Daunte Culpepper or Carson Palmer. The MRI on Livingston’s left knee showed tears in the anterior cruciate ligament, posterior cruciate ligament, medial collateral ligament and lateral meniscus. If you saw the injury, you’d probably think you were reliving the Joe Theisman twig snapping. In addition to his ligament damage, Livingston also dislocated his patella. But the Clippers weren’t the only ones receiving bad news on Tuesday. New York also found out that they will lose their starting shooting guard. Jamal Crawford has a stress fracture in his right ankle that will require season-ending surgery. Oh well, those are the breaks.

2. Colossal Collapse
The Suns were down by 18 points at one point in the third quarter last night against the Pacers, but Phoenix came roaring back in the fourth quarter and ended up taking their 14 straight victory on the road against the Eastern Conference this year. With only one interconference road game remaining on the Suns schedule, they are one win away from becoming the first team in NBA history to go undefeated in the category. Indiana was rolling right along until 4:24 remained in the third quarter when they were leading Phoenix 77-59. Over the remainder of the game, the Suns scorched Indiana with a 45-15 run as Conseco Fieldhouse witnessed one of the most pathetic Pacers collapses of all time.

3. No Alumni Love in Detroit
Bill Laimbeer is upset that he didn’t receive any consideration for the available assistant coaching positions in Detroit before the season began. The Pistons didn’t even interview Laimbeer before hiring Terry Porter and Dave Cowens. One thing Laimbeer hasn’t done since retiring is mellow out, which could have something to do with why the Pistons don’t want to touch the original Bad Boy. Hell, Laimbeer was yelling at the referees during the worthless Shooting Stars competition over All-Star weekend. You would have thought he was back in the Finals again the way he was going off on the refs. Maybe if he could settle down a bit in his old age more NBA teams would give him consideration.

Tuesday’s Player of the Day: Jermaine O’Neal vs. Phoenix 40 min, 28 pts (FG: 13-24, FT: 2-2), 13 reb, 7 ast, 2 stl, 6 blk

Wednesday’s Game to Watch: Toronto (31-26) @ Houston (35-21) Tracy McGrady is making some noise for the MVP award as he has the Rockets in fifth place in a tough Western Conference. Since Yao Ming went down with an injury, T-Mac has stepped up big in his absence and Houston has won 10 of their last 15 games because of it. The Rockets are 20-8 at home this year, which is where they will host the Atlantic Division leading Toronto Raptors tonight. Chris Bosh has been making a run at MVP for the entire season as he averages 23 points and 11 rebounds per game. Despite losing to San Antonio on Monday, the Raptors have been playing excellent ball lately and could end up making some noise in the Eastern Conference’s postseason.

Buzzer Beater: One of the concerns brought up about the NBA’s All-Star game being held in New Orleans next year had to do with the lack of police protection. Now, does this speak poorly of the city or of the league? How many police officers does it take to handle David Stern’s fans? This is New Orleans isn’t it? They put on a little booze infested party every year called Mardi Gras that doesn’t exactly draw the most civilized of crowds. But after large crowds and additional crime swept through the streets of Las Vegas a few weeks ago, the league and city are worried about whether the recovering city is capable of hosting such a large event. I guess New Orleans can handle boobs and booze, just not ballers and bling.

Categories
New York Giants

Amani Toomer really chose poorly



Is that a urine stain?

What is it with the NY Giants and their wives? First, Michael Strahan’s wife insinuates that he’s gay, then Yoko Barber basically orders Tiki to retire and now Amani Toomer’s wife has turned out to be the most insane of all.

In their divorce/annulment proceedings, the dirty laundry of their marriage has been aired… and most of it doesn’t shine a very good light on Toomer’s wife, Yola Dabrowski. According to Toomer, Yola committed fraud when marrying him (and shouldn’t get a dime of his money) because she refused to change her name to Toomer, refuses to have a big family like they discussed — hell, refusing to even have one kid as she had 3 or 4 abortions without his knowledge or consent, won’t cook, clean or take medication for her depression, and most egregious of all, disrespected his manhood.

Meanwhile, Yola wants half and counterclaims that Toomer is “relentlessly demanding . . . insecure and paranoid” and charges him with “extreme cruelty”. She said that he once peed on her clothes because she wouldn’t have sex with him. She also said that he “forced her to put her chiropractic career on hold so she could spend two years decorating their $2 million West New York waterfront condo.”

Wow… that Toomer sounds like a terrible guy. He probably only gave her like $500,000 to decorate the $2M apartment! The peeing thing is a bit odd though. Anyway, it sounds like that Toomer wanted a traditional wife to look good on his arm and stay home and take care of house and kids while she wanted his money. We know Toomer didn’t get what he wanted, we’ll see if she does.

Links:
[NY Post]: ‘ABORT’ SHOCK IN GIANT DIVORCE
[Newsday]: Testimony delayed in Toomer divorce trial