Categories
MLB General

The Full Count: Miserable in Minnesota


1. Lost Season, Lost GM: The Minnesota Twins have declined after winning the division last year, with an unimpressive 72-74 record. To make their situation worse, their longtime GM, Terry Ryan, announced he will resign at the end of the season. Ryan, who has been with the team for 13 years, has been a brilliant manager of a small payroll. The Twins have won 4 out of the last 5 division titles, relying mainly on homegrown talent instead of expensive free agents. Ryan, who will be replaced by assistant GM Bill Smith, has become one of the game’s most respected administrators. He will leave the Twins with an excellent talent core, with All Star caliber players in Johan Santana, Joe Nathan, Francisco Liriano (when he finally returns), Torri Hunter, Justin Morneau, and Joe Mauer. The key for new GM Smith will be in keeping as many of these players as possible while staying within the franchise’s limited budget.

2. Getting Closer: The San Diego Padres lost ground on two teams with one loss. Both the Dodgers and Phillies are within 1.5 games of them for the wild card lead after the Dodgers defeated the Padres 6-3. James Loney had three hits and four RBIs, and Rafael Furcal had three runs and three steals for the Dodgers. David Wells, who was cut by the Padres a month ago, was victorious against his former teammate Greg Maddux. Wells is 3-0 since joining the Dodgers. The Phillies also gained a game on San Diego with a 12-4 rout of the Rockies. Chase Utley homered and Aaron Rowand had two RBIs as the Phils roughed up Jeff Francis for eight runs. The Phillies will travel to New York to play the Mets this weekend, while the Dodgers play the Diamondbacks and the Padres face the Giants.

3. 20 losses?: It is amazing that the Cardinals’ Kip Wells has stayed in the rotation the entire season. He is 6-17 on the year after another loss on Thursday, leading the majors in losses. Wells could challenge for 20 losses, which has not been done since Mike Maroth went 9-21 in 2003. Wells has a 5.77 ERA and 1.65 WHIP for the year, and he was 2-9 within the first two months of the year. He’s not the only player on the Cardinals with a terrible record. Anthony Reyes, who started 0-8, is 2-14 on the year, and Maroth himself is 0-4 since joining the Cardinals. These pitchers have combined for a 8-35 record this season, meaning the Cardinals are 61-40 in games they didn’t record a decision. This shows how valuable Chris Carpenter is to this team. If he was pitching instead of Wells, the Cardinals would easily be winning the division.

Player of the Day: AJ Burnett, Blue Jays: 8 innings, 4 hits, 1 runs, 8 K’s in a 2-1 win over the Yankees. Burnett’s excellent start helped end the Yanks’ seven game winning streak.

Categories
Cincinnati Bengals

Deltha O’Neal’s rottweiler gains one more small measure of revenge for dogs of the world


We all know that America is having a sudden love fest for pit bulls and dogs in general after some athlete, we forget who, got in trouble for running an entire dogfighting operation out of his house. But, like people, some damn dogs are just plain mean. Now, we don’t know if that’s the case with Deltha O’Neal’s rottweiler, but the pooch went nuts this morning and started biting a woman and her 3-year-old kid on their legs and butts at O’Neal’s Cincinnati home.

The Bengals CB wasn’t at home when his dog attacked, but the woman, Jasmie Risco, called the cops around 8:30 and then got disconnected. By the time police responded to the scene, O’Neal had apparently come home and then taken them to the hospital where they were treated.

We don’t know who the lady was or why she was at his house, but we do know that the dog has been quarantined. Sorry, poochie, but this is probably going to mark the end of the road for you we’d guess. It sucks, but don’t worry, it could be worse. You could get drowned, electrocuted, shot in the head, smashed on the ground or be forced to fight to the death with another unlucky soul in order to entertain a wealthy athlete. Instead, you’ll just sit in a cold, hard cage, terrified, for a week or two and then be whisked off by a bunch of people in scrubs to a room where you’ll be put on a metal table and given an injection that makes you really sleepy dead. Then your body will be hauled off and burned in a furnace with all the other strays from the streets of Cincy. See, much better.

Links:

[Cincinnati.com]: Two bitten by dog at O’Neal’s home

Categories
Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron James is having one busy summer!


Scary thought for all you non-Clevelandites out there, LeBron James just got even better. Yup, after torching the league all the way to the NBA Finals last year, LBJ had Lasik surgery on his eyes which has improved his vision to 20/15 according to the doctor who performed the surgery. He had the surgery over the weekend and is already cleared to get back in the gym to start working on his game.

It seems a little unfair to us quite honestly. After all, we are talking about a 22-year-old who makes rookies and vets alike look like statues on defense. We’re talking about a kid who was dishing out passes as sweet as the Magic Man’s before the surgery; a kid whose long bombs could make dramatic improvement with the added focus. We know that he’s not getting bionic goggles implanted in his pupils, but he’s not gonna go under the knife if it doesn’t give him and additional advantage on the court.

And as if getting ready to defend the Eastern Conference championship isn’t enough for LeBron, turns out that he’ll be hosting the season premier of Saturday Night Live on September 29. We only caught bits and pieces of the ESPY Awards, but James wasn’t half bad in his hosting duties from what we saw. Does that mean he can carry the load of an entire late night comedy franchise on his back? Who knows, but Peyton Manning did it. Michael Jordan did it. Charles Barkley did it. Tom Brady did it. Hell, Jeff Gordon, Joe Montana, John Madden, Hulk Hogan and George freakin’ Steinbrenner pulled it off. So did the Juice, but we won’t hold that against SNL. And anyways, if the comedic load gets too heavy for King James he can always just recruit the other LeBrons to help him out. We’d love to see Wise LeBron and Business LeBron do their thing on stage. Anything is better than watching Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler slaughter the Weekend Update.

Links:

[USA Today]: LeBron James undergoes Lasik eye surgery
[Cleveland.com]: James sees better than ever after eye surgery

Categories
MLB General

The Full Count: Big Papi does it again


1. One Man Show: Last year David Ortiz carried the Red Sox to victory in many games. This year this has not been a common occurrence, though he did single-handedly beat the Devil Rays on Wednesday. Big Papi had two homers and five RBIs, driving in all of Boston’s runs in a 5-4 win. His walk off home run in the ninth was the 9th of his career, giving Boston their 89th win. Ortiz arguably should have won the MVP either of the last two years, though this year he isn’t even close. Though he’s hitting a career-best .321, Ortiz’s 31 homers and 104 RBI are not even close to his usual output, nor the totals of the leading candidates. He is having an excellent month so far, and should be a force in the playoffs.

2. The Amazing Angels: The Los Angeles Angels just keep piling on the wins. They’ve already virtually secured a playoff spot with the biggest division lead in baseball (9.5 games). The Angels beat Baltimore 18-5 on Wednesday, scoring double-digit runs for the second straight game against the pitiful Orioles. Garrett Anderson continued his blistering month with a 5-RBI performance. MVP candidate Vladimir Guerrero tacked on four RBIs, giving him 118 on the year in addition to a .327 average. The offense’s excellence gave Kelvim Escobar the win despite a sub-par start from him. Escobar won his 17th game of the season and 100th for his career despite allowing six runs. The 31-year-old is enjoying a career year, with personal bests in wins and ERA. Throughout the year he has provided consistency to a rotation that desperately needed him to succeed. With the win, the Angels kept the second-best record in the majors.

3. Atlanta is out: The Atlanta Braves, a prime contender about a month ago, now find themselves almost without any hope of making the playoffs. With 5 losses in their last 6 games against the Mets, they are 9.5 games back of them in the division. The Braves are five games out of the wild card, with five teams ahead of them. Since August 15 they have gone 10-16, with their offense as a big problem. Though their lineup has produced a few blowout victories over this span, the Braves lost many games in which their opponents only scored 4 or 5 runs. One example is Wednesday’s game against the Mets, when the Braves lost 4-3. John Smoltz had an above-average start, but the bullpen allowed two runs and the offense couldn’t really get anything going. Now all the Braves are playing for is personal pride, because Atlanta won’t see playoff baseball until at least next season.

Player of the Day: Jim Thome, White Sox: 3-4, HR (27, 499 career), 3 RBIs in a 7-4 win over Cleveland. Thome should become the third player to reach the 500-homerun mark this season, though he has received considerably less attention than Frank Thomas and A-Rod when they approached the mark. Perhaps that’s because he plays for the third-worst team in the majors this season.

Categories
College Football

Hey, Donald, nobody likes a giant duck with a bad attitude

Okay, so what happens when Shasta the Houston Cougar pisses off Donald Duck? Well, Shasta gets his ass handed to him and Donald gets slapped with a one game suspension.

So, was it worth it? When you spend your free time in a sweaty, smelly, hot, heavy, gigantic duck suit, hell yeah it is!

Links:

[CBS2.com]: Bad Duck! Oregon Mascot Suspended

Categories
All Other Sports

Apparently, Bobby Knight is coaching peewee football


We know that people are in an uproar over the way Michael Vick treated murdered dogs, but about when some coach gets his kicks out of humiliating little kids. Sure, it’s not the same as electrocuting `em or having them rip off each other noses for his own personal amusement, but this guy should still probably get a good ferret leggin’ for his actions.

Curt McKinney is the whack job in question and he’s the `responsible’ adult in charge of coaching a little kid’s football team in Cincinnati. Well, McKinney got pissed off at 10-year-old Aucherae Washington during practice on Friday because the little guy didn’t adhere to the specifics of running up and down a hill. Oh, but kicking off the squad didn’t satisfy Coach Curt; nope, he made the kid strip down to his underwear and walk home.

I chose to walk down the hill,” Aucherae said. “I ran to the middle of it then started walking down so I don’t bump into anybody, because if I do that I’m going to knock them probably a couple feet back.”

The boy said his coach berated him in front of the other players.

“‘You’re too slow for the team, you’re no good for the team,'” Aucherae said the coach told him. “He told me to take off my stuff and give it back to him, and he said, ‘While you’re at it, take off my pants.’

Boy, if we had a dollar for every time someone has told us that. But seriously, like the sickos who attend dogfights there were plenty of idiotic spectators who just sat around and watched this all go down. In fact, there were parents looking on who apparently never kicked this guy’s ass or even bothered to say a word. Don’t worry; we got enough ferrets to go around. What’s makes matters even worse is that the coach denies doing anything wrong and the football league won’t suspend him because he hasn’t been charged with a crime. Pathetic.

As for the kid-o, he eventually walked to a neighbor’s house to get some pants because “he didn’t want cheerleaders to see him in his underwear.” Boy, if we had a dollar for every time that’s happened to us.

Links:

[WAVE3.com]: Coach cuts 10 year old, forces him to walk home in underwear

Categories
All Other Sports

Locker room penetration leads to lawsuit for Texas school district/football coaches


We’ve known for some time now that wrestling can beget a little butt hole penetrating `prank’ or two. Or maybe they’re legitimate moves, what the hell do we know? We try to keep our anuses away from other peoples’ fingers at all costs. But now we’re finding out that the anal rapes have jumped into the hallowed high school football locker rooms of America. Okay, maybe not all of them (at least we hope not), but these disturbing behaviors did infest Donna High School in Texas and now the victim is suing the school district and his former coaches for turning a brown eye to the problem.

The federal lawsuit claims a culture of “deliberate indifference” led to the attempted sexual assault of four younger players at the hands of older teammates.

Four players were indicted on charges that they participated in 2004 and 2005 in holding down the younger players and trying to insert a gloved finger into the anuses of the victims.

Each has since pleaded guilty to lesser charges or arranged separate punishments with prosecutors.

The lawsuit claims the district maintained customs and policies that encouraged hazing and neglected to investigate complaints of abuse.

It seeks unspecified “punitive” damages.

Hey, while this totally sucks, uh …, ass, at least the bastards were limiting themselves to “a gloved finger” when it came time to go mud digging. Some sick people will just rape you with the first thing they can find.

Links:

[ABC13.com]: Former player sues school district, coaches over sex hazing

Categories
All Other Sports

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth young lady?!

We love seeing those goofballs at ESPN make fools of themselves. Actually, we love anyone who publicly humiliates themselves for our amusement, but we really love when it gets on-air. And even though this clip is hella old, when we saw this lady on ESPNEWS blurt out the mother of all bombs during a highlight clip, we knew it was going to be a good day.

True story: Robert Flores actually got his job at ESPN following a messed up package on a local news station that ended with a curse word. He redid the package without cursing, but some behind-the-scenes moron actually played the wrong tape the next morning and his mistake ended up costing Flores his job. Oh, well, he’s probably a little happier where he is now. Sorry, Danyelle, but in your case, there’s nowhere to go but down.

Links:

[The Big Lead]: Old? New? Always Funny.

Categories
Soccer

Talk about taking one for the team!


On Monday afternoon, Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson was just chillin’ outside a train station in London, waiting on a ride, when some bum named Kevin Reynolds started staggering towards him. Right when he was probably getting ready to tell the that bum he didn’t have any change for his booze, the drunken bastard punched him right in the nuts. On Wednesday afternoon, Reynolds was in front of judge and plead guilty to the random genital punching.

The court was told that Ferguson thought the man staggering toward him was a beggar. Instead, Reynolds punched him and said: “I’m sorry Fergie, I did not know it was you.”

Reynolds then allegedly chanted “Fergie, Fergie, shut your mouth” – a soccer chant common in Scotland.

The court was told that Reynolds had consumed half a bottle of vodka and several beers before the attack.

Thanks for saying that you’re sorry for the crotch shot, but is that really going to help Ferguson with his “soreness and tenderness” downstairs? The jerk could get up to two years in the slammer for his drunken junk jab. But if that gets you two years, what the hell does something like this get you?

Oh, and Fergie, be glad you weren’t in Oklahoma.

Links:

[FoxSports.com]: `Fighting drunk’ pleads guilty to assault

Categories
Buffalo Bills

Kevin Everett expected to recover thanks to revolutionary procedure


There’s really nothing to say other than science is simply amazing. After being diagnosed with a “catastrophic” injury to his spinal cord stemming from a hit in Buffalo’s opener against the Broncos, one doctor is now expecting the Bills Kevin Everett to walk again. This is light-years from the outlook just days ago.

After being taken somewhat out of his sedated state on Tuesday, Everett had regained voluntarily movement of his legs and arms. While he’s still not completely out of the woods yet and he has some serious rehabilitation to look forward too, this is the absolute best news anyone could have expected following the second half collision.

Based on our experience, the fact that he’s moving so well, so early after such a catastrophic injury means he will walk again,” said Dr. Barth Green, chairman of the department of neurological surgery at the University of Miami school of medicine.

“It’s totally spectacular, totally unexpected,” Green told The Associated Press by telephone from Miami.

The most amazing part of this story is the revolutionary procedure that was used to help save Everett and could end up helping millions of others in similar, life threatening situations.

Green said the key was the quick action taken by (Dr. Andrew) Cappuccino to run an ice-cold saline solution through Everett’s system that put the player in a hypothermic state. Doctors at the Miami Project have demonstrated in their laboratories that such action significantly decreases the damage to the spinal cord due to swelling and movement.

“We’ve been doing a protocol on humans and having similar experiences for many months now,” Green said. “But this is the first time I’m aware of that the doctor was with the patient when he was injured and the hypothermia was started within minutes of the injury. We know the earlier it’s started, the better.

And just think, all this time we’ve been making fun of Ted Williams’ frozen head.

Links:

[RockyMountainNews.com]: `He will walk again,’ doc say of Bills TE hurt vs. Broncos