Tag: stupid

Categories
General Sports

Darius Miles is down with the `Superman layout into a scoliosis spine compressor slamma jam’

We were completely shocked to come across a clip of Slamball this morning. After all, we figured that Spike TV would have destroyed all evidence of the “sport’s” existence. But, amazingly enough, the dumb trampolines and silly acrobatics weren’t the only dinosaurs that were unearthed. We know it’s hard to believe, but there has been an on-court Darius Miles sighting.

Okay, we’ve had our fill. Now can we avoid the double-fisted forehead bump for another three years or so?

Links:

[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: Darius Miles Has Really Slipped Since “The Perfect Score”

Categories
College Football

Fans? Hawaii don’t need no stinkin’ fans


The Hawaii football team busted its asses all year long to go undefeated and earn a BCS bowl bid, but now that they’ve done the unthinkable, the school has gone out and done the unthinkable.

The university decided not to take their full allotment of tickets for the Sugar Bowl on New Years Day, thus turning the valuable tickets and seats over to an elated group of Bulldog faithful. Georgia gained 4,000 extras tickets in the exchange, bringing their total to 21,500 while dropping Hawaii down to 13,500 tickets. Needless to say, Warriors fans were not happy. And that was before Vili the Warrior even made the announcement on the late local newscast.

With Hawaii quickly selling out its reduced allotment of 13,500 tickets by Tuesday, many angry Warriors’ fans and season-ticket holders were left scrambling to find tickets to the school’s first bowl game outside the Aloha State since the 1992 Holiday Bowl.

Tickets, ranging from $125 to $145, were first made available to the Warriors’ 23,000 season-ticket holders and sold out quickly. Tickets were supposed go on sale to the general public Wednesday, but that never happened.

The university has created a waiting list and is offering to buy back tickets if purchasers were unable to make travel arrangements.

Guess June Jones isn’t the only islander who acts irrationally and then later comes to regret it.

Turns out that Hawaii is trying to get the Sugar Bowl to take some responsibility for this gaffe by saying that they didn’t think they could sell all the tickets and that the move was “at the suggestion of the Sugar Bowl, who was trying to accommodate the SEC team with more tickets to satisfy their demand.”

Sugar Bowl officials say it was Hawaii’s decision.

“They chose not to take their full allotment. That was Hawaii’s decision,” Sugar Bowl spokesman Duane Lewis said. “We definitely didn’t tell them not to take it, it was their choice.

We know that traveling from Hawaii to the mainland is a bitch, but this isn’t the 1992 Holiday Bowl, their last bowl appearance in the continental states. This is a coveted BCS bowl and you’re a measly WAC school, those things should be flying like hotcakes. At least give your fans the opportunity to buy the tickets before you give the other team an even greater `home field feel’ advantage. No wonder nobody wanted you guys to crack the top 12 in the BCS, you treat your own fans and team worse than you treat the opposition.

What’s next, are you going to conduct a raffle amongst the Gainesville population for your share of seats in the Swamp at next season’s opener?

Links:

[MSNBC.com]: Hawaii angers fans by giving tickets to Georgia

Categories
All Other Sports

We didn’t even know there was 1, let alone 10 ‘Top Ping Pong Shots of All Time’

First off, we thought that seriously competitive ping pong was just something thrown into Forrest Gump as story filler. We were pretty taken back to find out it actually exists in the real world. Who knew? What’s next; are you going to try and tell us that people actually fence in real life too?

Secondly, as if the existence of ping pong outside of someone’s basement or garage wasn’t shocking enough to us, just imagine how surprised we were to find out that somebody out there actually watches enough ping pong to come up with the Top 10 Ping Pong Shots of All Time and then sets `em to an ancient Offspring song. Believe it or not, that really goes on as well.

It appears you’ve forgotten about the best ping pong `shots’ of all.

Enjoy.

Categories
General Sports

`In yo’ face Rainbow Warrior!’

On Sunday, Jimmie Johnson became the first driver to win consecutive Nextel Cup championships since Jeff Gordon did it in 1997 and again in 1998. It was a thrilling day at the race track as Johnson came into Homestead-Miami Speedway needing an 18th place finish or better in order to become the champ. He came in seventh and we’ve got all the exciting action to prove it.

Okay, so Jeff Gordon won the race and it was at Talladega, but other than that, the snail video was just as enthralling as the real thing.

Links:

[WNBC.com]: Johnson Wins Back-To-Back Nextel Cup Crowns

Categories
General Sports

Fathead is starting to lose their marbles

We thought it would be great to get the sports-loving kids in our families some Fatheads for Christmas. What could be better than giving them a ridiculously over-sized Peyton Manning poster? Of course, then we went to their site and realized that those things cost $100 apiece! Screw that! They’re getting Lego’s and liking it. We don’t care how old they are. Build Peyton Manning. The point is that we hate Fathead and all they stand for, especially their stupid commercials.

Wow, we didn’t think anything could be more absurd than Big Ben’s spot with the rip-off artists.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: New Fathead Commercial Scares And Confuses Me

Categories
All Other Sports

Okay; so there’s rock, paper and scissors. Wait, we don’t get it.

If you that `Finger Jousting dudes‘ took themselves way too seriously, just get a load of `Rock, Paper, Scissors guys.’

Well, “scissor me timbers!”

Categories
Boston Red Sox

Governors step up to the plate for the World Series’ dumb bet derby


Well, it’s World Series time and you know what that means, right? You got it; it’s time to for politicians to start making moronic bets involving foods which are supposed to be cultural staples. So, what do you got for us this year fellas?

(Massachusetts Gov. Deval) Patrick is putting up lobsters and ice cream vs. beef from (Colorado Gov. Bill) Ritter.

Whooopeee, can’t wait for the BCS National Championship game to roll around so we can do this all again. Wait, there’s more? Oh, no, there’s more.

Patrick and Ritter aren’t the only ones betting on their home teams.

U.S. Sens. Wayne Allard and Ken Salazar of Colorado are wagering Colorado-raised beef, while Massachusetts Sens. Edward Kennedy and John Kerry are countering with New England clam chowder and lobster rolls.

The senators who lose the bet will donate the grub to a charity chosen by the senators who win.

Reps. Mark Udall, Diana DeGette and John Salazar of Colorado have their own bet against Boston-area Reps. Edward Markey, Stephen Lynch and Michael Capuano.

If the Red Sox win, the Colorado representatives treat their counterparts to a meal of steaks and chili. If the Rockies win, the Massachusetts trio foots the bill for chowder and lobster.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper wagered sub sandwiches, herbal tea, tortilla chips, salsa and ice cream against Boston Mayor Thomas Menino’s clam chowder, coffee, doughnuts and ice cream sandwiches.

These are each stupid in their own unique ways, but what the heck are Hickenlooper and Menino thinking with their Half Baked grocery list of muchies? You do know that these bets aren’t solely done with the purposes of filling your pockets full of ice cream sandwiches and doughnuts.

Of course, then you’ve got the whole other issue of how these guys are completely outta touch with the baseball world. Frankly, while we find it funny when they pretend to be big fans, we honestly don’t want our politicians keeping up with sports. George `Dubbya’ can barely run the country as it is; do you really want him to be preoccupied with breaking down the pros and cons of Braylon Edwards versus Laveranues Coles?

And, by the way, if you come across any extra tickets, just give this guy a shout.

Links:

[SI.com]: World Series bet: Beef vs. seafood

Categories
NFL General

Can’t MNF just go back to TO bagging one of the Desperate Housewives?

In response to the question posed by Awful Announcing: a resounding no. Hamsters and laxatives and tree houses and pregnancy; it was all just nonsensical gibberish to us. To Mike Tirico, on the other hand, it was “hysterical.”

Hey, Mike; Steve Carell isn’t funny, but Michael Scott is.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Steve Carell On Monday Night Football

Categories
Colorado Rockies

If you like Mexican food and have a World Series ticket then we just might have a deal for you


Now that we know who the participants in the World Series are, the only question left is how the heck are getting into a game? Well, if we were the owner of a hole-in-the-wall Mexican food restaurant in Colorado then we’d offer up all the burritos and tacos we could spare. Kinda like this guy.

Ben Martinez is a huge Rockies fan and the owner of El Jardin Mexican restaurant in Commerce City, but he doesn’t want to pay scalper prices for tickets. So he’s making an offer for two free meals a week for one year at his restaurant for anyone who gives him two tickets to any of the games at Coors Field. Martinez said it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Two meals a week for a year at El Jardin or tickets to the biggest baseball event of the year? Hmmm, tough choice. We guessing that anyone with WS tickets is probably going to choose to spend a whopping $10.47 for a years worth of Taco Bell and keep the stubs instead of forking `em over to you and getting a clockwork case of Montezuma’s revenge for next 48 weeks.

Listen, man; if you want to go to the World Series then you’ve got to show more desire then just unloading a bunch of chips and salsa. That just isn’t going to cut it. Dare we say it; if you want to go see your precious Rockies then you’re going to have to go all out and pay Dr. Steve-O a visit.

Take a sledge hammer to the package or light your head on fire and then we’ll talk.

Links:

[CBS4Denver.com]: Restaurant Owner Offers Free Meals For Rox Tix

Categories
General Sports

Can somebody please throw Stu Scott in front of a moving bus?

Trying to explain what a douche Stuart Scott is has become like trying to explain the science behind what happens to a star when it gets sucked into a black hole. Sometimes it’s just easier to observe the subject’s behaviors in order to quantify their complexity or, in Stu’s case, his doucheiness.

This kind of crap has gone on long enough and we here at SportsColumn aren’t going to take it anymore. So, our plan is to assassinate Stuart Scott immediately. However, to do so we will need monetary contributions from Stu Scott despisers like you. So, please partake in our fund raiser. The sooner you do, the sooner this one-eyed nightmare will be over.

Spoken word.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Stu Scott’s Ridiculous Deaf Poetry Slam