Colorado Rockies

Hey, Colorado! You didn’t think ol’ Dave was gonna let you off the hook, did ya?

Hey, the Rockies had a great run. Nobody expected them to make it into the World Series, but they did. And nobody expected them to get swept out after such an incredible run leading up to the big showdown with the Red Sox, but they did. So, for all you Colorado fans out there, here are some suggestions from David Letterman on what to say the next time someone tries to give you grief over getting broomed.

Top 10 Colorado Rockies Excuses

10. “Even we’ve never heard of most of our players.”

9. “Didn’t want Game 5 to preempt `House'”

8. “Relax, there’s still a lot of baseball to be played.”

7. “The Curse of the Bambino.”

6. “At that altitude, the beer really knocks you on your ass.”

5. “No number 5 — writer preparing to go on strike.”

4. “Turns out our `flaxseed oil’ really was flaxseed oil”

3. “O.J. stole the equipment!”

2. “Manager distracted by Joe Torre walking around with his resume.”

1. “Forget us — somebody want to explain the Jets?”


[SOX & Dawgs]: Top 10 Colorado Rockies Excuses

Boston Red Sox

"Hello, you play to win the game!"

Listen up Red Sox fans; you’re probably stoked about being up 2-0 in the World Series, but do you have any idea what kind of irreparable damage could be done should your boys go on to victory? According to a professor of American culture and history at Bates College, you’re looking at a serious case of identity crisis.

Margaret Creighton says that all those years of being complete and total losers has taken over the souls of the Sox faithful and winning would be such a shock to the system that the entire fan base could potentially experience full-blown existential meltdowns.

It’s really quite jarring for Red Sox fans now to have to deal with success, and it might be repeated,” Creighton told the Sun Journal of Lewiston. “Once could be a fluke, getting rid of the curse … But twice? This is very challenging and, to a degree, upsetting.”

A fan herself, the professor in 2005 taught “Red Sox Nation,” a course examining the culture and history of the team and fans, and she plans to offer it again next year.

The underdog mentality has been forged by decades of disappointment, she said.

Fans think, “We may be scruffy, we may look like ruffians, but we’re scrappy and we fight and work hard,” Creighton said.

Citizens of Red Sox Nation remain fundamentally pessimistic, even after the 2004 victory, she said. “When the Red Sox were down 3-1 against Cleveland, it felt very familiar, almost a little comfortable, because this is where we’ve been.”

Success, she said, would bring accusations that Red Sox fans are arrogant, haughty, “that the Red Sox are the Yankees,” Creighton said. She questions whether fans can handle a second championship “with a degree of humility.”

First off, where the heck were these classes when we were in college? If we had courses like “Super Bowl History” and “NBA: 101” then we might have been able to graduate on the four-year plan.

Secondly, we can’t believe that this broad had the audacity to question the Red Sox loyalists’ ability to display “humility.” If Red Sox fans are anything, it’s meek and humble.


[]: Professor questions whether Sox fans can cope with success

Boston Red Sox

Even Man Ram knows this is a stupid deal

Listen, we understand that there’s nothing better than taking in the World Series atmosphere live and in person, especially when it’s favorite team playing for all the marbles. Likewise, we know that times are tough and money is tight. But get it through you’re head desperate Rockies fans, nobody wants your crap!

We told you about the guy who’s trying to swap a year’s worth of Mexican food (Pepto-Bismol not included) for a couple tickets to the Series. Well, he’s not the only one who’s looking for a flea marketesque bargain on some stubs.

Little league baseball coach Bobby Padilla just wants to take his son to a World Series game, so he’s carted up from his basement boxes full of 25 years worth of Playboy magazines, not a missing month, in mint condition. He bought the magazines nine years ago for $200 as a favor to a friend.

He said it’s because he struck out mixing a lineup of at least 10 computers trying to buy tickets online. He said nobody has inquired about the magazines yet.

Really, wonder why? Could it be because nobody in their right mind would fill their house with boxes and boxes of Playboy bunnies? We’re not saying that people wouldn’t mind having `em; hell, we’d like to relive some of those Bo Derek and Shannon Tweed days ourselves. We’re just saying that nobody is stupid enough to give you World f’n Series tickets for them.

Well, we take that back. There is one man. A shoe man.


[]: Man Will Trade 25 Years Of Playboys For Tickets

Boston Red Sox

Governors step up to the plate for the World Series’ dumb bet derby

Well, it’s World Series time and you know what that means, right? You got it; it’s time to for politicians to start making moronic bets involving foods which are supposed to be cultural staples. So, what do you got for us this year fellas?

(Massachusetts Gov. Deval) Patrick is putting up lobsters and ice cream vs. beef from (Colorado Gov. Bill) Ritter.

Whooopeee, can’t wait for the BCS National Championship game to roll around so we can do this all again. Wait, there’s more? Oh, no, there’s more.

Patrick and Ritter aren’t the only ones betting on their home teams.

U.S. Sens. Wayne Allard and Ken Salazar of Colorado are wagering Colorado-raised beef, while Massachusetts Sens. Edward Kennedy and John Kerry are countering with New England clam chowder and lobster rolls.

The senators who lose the bet will donate the grub to a charity chosen by the senators who win.

Reps. Mark Udall, Diana DeGette and John Salazar of Colorado have their own bet against Boston-area Reps. Edward Markey, Stephen Lynch and Michael Capuano.

If the Red Sox win, the Colorado representatives treat their counterparts to a meal of steaks and chili. If the Rockies win, the Massachusetts trio foots the bill for chowder and lobster.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper wagered sub sandwiches, herbal tea, tortilla chips, salsa and ice cream against Boston Mayor Thomas Menino’s clam chowder, coffee, doughnuts and ice cream sandwiches.

These are each stupid in their own unique ways, but what the heck are Hickenlooper and Menino thinking with their Half Baked grocery list of muchies? You do know that these bets aren’t solely done with the purposes of filling your pockets full of ice cream sandwiches and doughnuts.

Of course, then you’ve got the whole other issue of how these guys are completely outta touch with the baseball world. Frankly, while we find it funny when they pretend to be big fans, we honestly don’t want our politicians keeping up with sports. George `Dubbya’ can barely run the country as it is; do you really want him to be preoccupied with breaking down the pros and cons of Braylon Edwards versus Laveranues Coles?

And, by the way, if you come across any extra tickets, just give this guy a shout.


[]: World Series bet: Beef vs. seafood

Colorado Rockies

Hey, Red Sox fans, how do you feel about your opponents in the Series?

If there’s anything we’ve learned from our years of watching sports, it’s that it doesn’t really matter how hard you root for your team. What’s really important is how hard you root against the other guys.

So, before all you Red Sox fans start loading up on AL Champions t-shirts, you might want to divert some of those funds into your anti-Rockies gear. Jerseys, ringers, tank tops, tees, caps, coffee mugs: if you really want to cheer your boys to a ring then this is what you need. It’s simple, straight to the point and it sums up the feelings of an entire population.

You know, we thought that this was a pretty innovative idea until we started surfing around the site and realized that there’s a friggin’ t-shirt with every slogan imaginable. So, for all you Rockies fans out there, take solace in knowing that are plenty of shirts that bash the Sox in every way imaginable. Some of our favorites:

Buck Foston

Curse? You just sucked for 86 years.


I would rather my sister be a prostitute then for her to be a RED SOX fan


[SawxBlog]: Get Your Rockies Suck T-Shirts Just in Time for the 2007 World Series!

MLB General

To protect and serve, ourselves

What are the perks of being a major metropolitan police officer in America today? Well, the pay is decent, they offer a good retirement plan, medical and dental are included, and as an officer you are free to pick and choose what you want to use as your own personal property from the evidence collected throughout your shift. What? That last one isn’t an actual benefit? Somebody might want to conduct a procedural seminar in St. Louis because the boys in blue are under a completely different impression.

Nine or ten different officers are being investigated by the St. Louis Police Department for allegedly using about 30 confiscated tickets to last year’s World Series after the tickets were taken out of the hands of scalpers on the streets. The tickets were dispersed amongst the officer’s family and friends before being returned to the evidence room for storage. The crafty coppers were able to pull off the ploy because Busch Stadium no longer tears patron’s tickets, but instead use a scanner to electronically read the tickets. The value of the tickets varied from $50 to $250 and the incident could get the crooked cops canned.

Exactly who is St. Louis employing to keep the streets safe? Our guess is that Lt. Jim Dangle played a role in all of this.


[]: Report: police used seized Series tix

MLB General

Nov 4 in Sports History: Diamondbacks solve Mariano Rivera

Bloop Hero

In 2001: The Arizona Diamondbacks stunned the New York Yankees in the bottom of the ninth inning to win the greatest World Series Game 7 in over 40 years.  Despite the other three games played at Bank One Ballpark being ridiculously one-sided in favor of the Diamondbacks (they outscored the Yankees 28-3), Game 7 was a tight, low-scoring affair, with each team having only one run through seven innings. In the top of the eighth, rookie Alfonso Soriano?s solo homerun off Series co-MVP Curt Schilling put the Yanks up 2-1, and future hall of fame closer Mariano Rivera (who had converted 23 straight postseason save opportunities) loomed. In the bottom half of the ninth, Mark Grace led off with a single, and Damian Miller attempted a bunt, which Rivera threw into centerfield. Then Jay Bell attempted to sacrifice the runners over, but Rivera got Grace at third. Tony Womack tied it with a double down the right field line, and Craig Counsell was hit by a pitch to load the bases. Although it’s standard baseball strategy to bring the infield in with the bases full and only one out, Yankee manager Joe Torre might wish he had never done so. Arizona’s Luis Gonzalez hit a soft blooper right over the drawn in infield to give Arizona its first championship in only its fourth year of existence. Randy Johnson, the other co-MVP, got the win in relief. Although Rivera was blamed for the collapse, the fact that the Yankees hit only .183 as a team in the Series should not be overlooked. (

In 1934 and 1942: If November 1 is considered All-Saints Day, maybe the 3rd can be called All-Baseball-Writers-Are-Mush-Brained-Idiots Day. While the 2006 AL and NL MVP races are considered to be very close with many deserving winners, the snubs that Lou Gehrig and Ted Williams suffered in 1934 and 1942, respectively would be considered criminal in today’s sports-crazy, light-up-the-message-boards society. All Gehrig and Williams did was win the TRIPLE CROWN in their leagues, but writers didn?t see fit to award either player. In 1934, Gehrig hit .363 with 49 HR?s and 165 RBI. He somehow finished FIFTH in the voting. Mickey Cochrane won the award with two homers, 76 RBI and a .320 average. In 1942, Williams smashed his way to a .356 average, 36 HR?s and 137 RBI. Then he left baseball for three years to kick some ass in World War II. Probably because of an ongoing feud with the press (who criticized Williams for asking to defer his military duties until the end of the season), Williams finished behind 2B Joe Gordon of the Yankees. Gordon’s impressive season included leading the league in strikeouts, double plays hit into and errors at his position.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Nov 1 in Sports History: Groundhog Day for Byung-Hyun Kim

Bad case of deja-vu

In 2001: How would you feel if you gave up an improbable, game-tying, eventual series-tying, heart-wrenching, expletive-inducing homerun in the bottom of the ninth inning of a World Series game with millions watching? How would you feel if it happened again almost 24 hours to the minute? Ask Byung-Hyun Kim, who fell victim to the Yankees again in the bottom of the ninth of Game 5 in New York in almost exactly the same fashion as the night before. This time, third baseman Scott Brosius did the honors with the Yankees trailing 2-0 in their last at-bat. Kim’s blank stare was replayed just as much as Brosius’ amazed, arms-in-the-air celebration. Once again, the game went into extra innings and well past midnight (don’t they all nowadays?); and once again the Yankees won it, taking a 3-2 Series lead back to the desert.

In 1959: Jacques Plante of the Montreal Canadiens became the first full-blown sissy-girl in the NHL. Ah, we kid, we kid here. Plante was actually the first smart goaltender in the NHL to regularly don a facemask for protection. After he was nearly decapitated by a shot from New York Rangers’ hall of famer Andy Bathgate, Plante returned to the Madison Square Garden ice with the plastic headgear amid taunts, jeers and the objections of his coach Toe Blake, who felt the mask impaired his vision. The Canadiens won that game 3-1 and 10 of their next 11, so the mask stayed. The Canadiens also later captured their fifth consecutive Stanley cup behind the girly goalie (we kid again…sort of). (

New York Yankees

Oct 31 in Sports History: Byung-Hyun Kim Part I

In 2001: The Yankees gave a still-grieving New York something to cheer about in Game 4 of the World Series. Trailing in the series two games to one and 3-1 in the bottom of the ninth with two outs, Tino Martinez forced extra innings with a two-run shot off Arizona Diamondbacks’ reliever Byung-Hyun Kim. The game went beyond midnight and beyond October, where Derek Jeter’s solo homerun in the bottom of the 11th inning tied the series for the Yanks and earned him the nickname “Mr. November.” If New York, Arizona and the rest of the country who bothered to stay up that late thought they saw an unbelievable, once-in-a-lifetime comeback, they had no idea what was in store the following night.
(…to be continued)

In 1988: The Hoosier Dome hosted the first-ever Monday Night game in Indianapolis between the Colts and the Broncos. In a strange, Halloween-charged atmosphere, the Colts raced out to a 45-10 halftime en route to a Monday Night record 55 points in the 55-23 victory. Eric Dickerson ran for 159 yards and tied another Monday Night record with four touchdowns while John Elway and the defending AFC champion Broncos turned the ball over six times.

Cleveland Browns

Oct 27 in Sports History: Art Modell steals away in the night


In 1995: It is well known how miserable of a sporting existence Cleveland fans have suffered, but this might have been the lowest point, the cruelest blow, the coup de grace gut punch. Browns’ owner Art Modell signed a secret agreement with the city of Baltimore to move his franchise – which probably had the most loyal fans in the NFL – there for the 1996 season. Modell cried poor and blamed Cleveland officials for refusing to build him a new stadium. He took a sweetheart deal from Baltimore (who was desperate for a franchise after losing the Colts in similar fashion in 1984), the Browns became the Ravens and changed their logo and uniforms, and the Mistake by the Lake was soon a memory (it caught fire during demolition just to remind Cleveland what it really was). Cleveland kept the rights to the Browns nickname and colors and was granted an expansion franchise for the 1999 season. The Ravens won the Super Bowl in 2000 while the Browns have gone 37-81 to this day.

In 2002: Emmitt Smith of the Cowboys took a handoff from Chad Hutchinson and ran off left tackle for 11 yards. They were last of 16,727 yards he needed to break the late Walter Payton’s career rushing total. The game was stopped for five minutes to honor Smith, and a post-game celebration was also held despite the Cowboys losing 17-14 to the Seattle Seahawks. Smith is the NFL’s all-time career rushing leader in yards, attempts and touchdowns.

In 1986 and 1991: A pair of memorable World Series Game 7’s took place: In 1986, the Mets completed their stunning comeback by finishing off the Boston Red Sox 8-5 and continuing the Curse of the Bambino for the 68th consecutive year. In 1991, Jack Morris of the Twins turned in a legendary complete game, 10-inning shutout of the Atlanta Braves and a Gene Larkin bases-loaded single clinched the second World Series in four years for Minnesota.

And no Boston, we didn’t forget that the Red Sox clinched their first championship since 1918 with a four game sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals on this day in 2004.