Okay, so what happens when Shasta the Houston Cougar pisses off Donald Duck? Well, Shasta gets his ass handed to him and Donald gets slapped with a one game suspension.
So, was it worth it? When you spend your free time in a sweaty, smelly, hot, heavy, gigantic duck suit, hell yeah it is!
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[CBS2.com]: Bad Duck! Oregon Mascot Suspended
We know that people are in an uproar over the way Michael Vick treated murdered dogs, but about when some coach gets his kicks out of humiliating little kids. Sure, it’s not the same as electrocuting `em or having them rip off each other noses for his own personal amusement, but this guy should still probably get a good ferret leggin’ for his actions.
Curt McKinney is the whack job in question and he’s the `responsible’ adult in charge of coaching a little kid’s football team in Cincinnati. Well, McKinney got pissed off at 10-year-old Aucherae Washington during practice on Friday because the little guy didn’t adhere to the specifics of running up and down a hill. Oh, but kicking off the squad didn’t satisfy Coach Curt; nope, he made the kid strip down to his underwear and walk home.
I chose to walk down the hill,” Aucherae said. “I ran to the middle of it then started walking down so I don’t bump into anybody, because if I do that I’m going to knock them probably a couple feet back.”
The boy said his coach berated him in front of the other players.
“‘You’re too slow for the team, you’re no good for the team,'” Aucherae said the coach told him. “He told me to take off my stuff and give it back to him, and he said, ‘While you’re at it, take off my pants.’
Boy, if we had a dollar for every time someone has told us that. But seriously, like the sickos who attend dogfights there were plenty of idiotic spectators who just sat around and watched this all go down. In fact, there were parents looking on who apparently never kicked this guy’s ass or even bothered to say a word. Don’t worry; we got enough ferrets to go around. What’s makes matters even worse is that the coach denies doing anything wrong and the football league won’t suspend him because he hasn’t been charged with a crime. Pathetic.
As for the kid-o, he eventually walked to a neighbor’s house to get some pants because “he didn’t want cheerleaders to see him in his underwear.” Boy, if we had a dollar for every time that’s happened to us.
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[WAVE3.com]: Coach cuts 10 year old, forces him to walk home in underwear
We’ve known for some time now that wrestling can beget a little butt hole penetrating `prank’ or two. Or maybe they’re legitimate moves, what the hell do we know? We try to keep our anuses away from other peoples’ fingers at all costs. But now we’re finding out that the anal rapes have jumped into the hallowed high school football locker rooms of America. Okay, maybe not all of them (at least we hope not), but these disturbing behaviors did infest Donna High School in Texas and now the victim is suing the school district and his former coaches for turning a brown eye to the problem.
Four players were indicted on charges that they participated in 2004 and 2005 in holding down the younger players and trying to insert a gloved finger into the anuses of the victims.
Each has since pleaded guilty to lesser charges or arranged separate punishments with prosecutors.
The lawsuit claims the district maintained customs and policies that encouraged hazing and neglected to investigate complaints of abuse.
It seeks unspecified “punitive” damages.
Hey, while this totally sucks, uh …, ass, at least the bastards were limiting themselves to “a gloved finger” when it came time to go mud digging. Some sick people will just rape you with the first thing they can find.
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[ABC13.com]: Former player sues school district, coaches over sex hazing
We love seeing those goofballs at ESPN make fools of themselves. Actually, we love anyone who publicly humiliates themselves for our amusement, but we really love when it gets on-air. And even though this clip is hella old, when we saw this lady on ESPNEWS blurt out the mother of all bombs during a highlight clip, we knew it was going to be a good day.
True story: Robert Flores actually got his job at ESPN following a messed up package on a local news station that ended with a curse word. He redid the package without cursing, but some behind-the-scenes moron actually played the wrong tape the next morning and his mistake ended up costing Flores his job. Oh, well, he’s probably a little happier where he is now. Sorry, Danyelle, but in your case, there’s nowhere to go but down.
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[The Big Lead]: Old? New? Always Funny.
On Monday afternoon, Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson was just chillin’ outside a train station in London, waiting on a ride, when some bum named Kevin Reynolds started staggering towards him. Right when he was probably getting ready to tell the that bum he didn’t have any change for his booze, the drunken bastard punched him right in the nuts. On Wednesday afternoon, Reynolds was in front of judge and plead guilty to the random genital punching.
Reynolds then allegedly chanted “Fergie, Fergie, shut your mouth” – a soccer chant common in Scotland.
The court was told that Reynolds had consumed half a bottle of vodka and several beers before the attack.
Thanks for saying that you’re sorry for the crotch shot, but is that really going to help Ferguson with his “soreness and tenderness” downstairs? The jerk could get up to two years in the slammer for his drunken junk jab. But if that gets you two years, what the hell does something like this get you?
Oh, and Fergie, be glad you weren’t in Oklahoma.
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[FoxSports.com]: `Fighting drunk’ pleads guilty to assault
There’s really nothing to say other than science is simply amazing. After being diagnosed with a “catastrophic” injury to his spinal cord stemming from a hit in Buffalo’s opener against the Broncos, one doctor is now expecting the Bills Kevin Everett to walk again. This is light-years from the outlook just days ago.
After being taken somewhat out of his sedated state on Tuesday, Everett had regained voluntarily movement of his legs and arms. While he’s still not completely out of the woods yet and he has some serious rehabilitation to look forward too, this is the absolute best news anyone could have expected following the second half collision.
“It’s totally spectacular, totally unexpected,” Green told The Associated Press by telephone from Miami.
The most amazing part of this story is the revolutionary procedure that was used to help save Everett and could end up helping millions of others in similar, life threatening situations.
“We’ve been doing a protocol on humans and having similar experiences for many months now,” Green said. “But this is the first time I’m aware of that the doctor was with the patient when he was injured and the hypothermia was started within minutes of the injury. We know the earlier it’s started, the better.
And just think, all this time we’ve been making fun of Ted Williams’ frozen head.
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[RockyMountainNews.com]: `He will walk again,’ doc say of Bills TE hurt vs. Broncos
When the Raiders and the Lions played on Sunday, the second overall draft pick was in the lineup and in the endzone before the end of the day. Unfortunately, Oakland couldn’t say the same thing about the No. 1 pick in the draft, JaMarcus Russell. But it appears that the long, painful wait is over for Raider Nation.
Russell could sign a deal as early as today and reports have the deal being worth around $60 million over six years with a pocket stuffing, wallet busting $31 million in guaranteed jack. Seems like JaMarcus knew what he was doing by holding out all this time after all.
Considering that Russell and the Raiders have been battling over money since late April, we’re thrilled that this dollar drama is finally coming to a close. We know that these guys gotta get the most money they can in guarantees and such, but there is absolutely nothing more disgusting than seeing a rookie who has never even taken a snap hold a professional sports franchise hostage over a couple of million bucks.
If it were up to us, we’d be as tough on our players in the real world as we are on our fellow GMs in the fantasy world.
JaMarcus: I really don’t think that’s proper value for a player of my caliber and potential.
SC: You will take what we give you!
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[InsideBayArea.com]: Raiders, Russell agree in principle to deal
Call us losers if you want to, but we have absolutely no idea who these guys are or why we should give two flips about em. However, we do like the way the nerd with the glasses and the lisp thinks.
Could it be fake? Possibly. Probably.
Do we care? Not in the least.
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[Off Wing Opinion]: Don’t Try This At Home
Scary, scary, scary, scary, did we say scary news out of Portland for all you Trail Blazers fans out there. Rookie soon-to-be phenom Greg Oden injured his right knee and is scheduled to undergo exploratory surgery on Thursday. Apparently, Oden has been having some pain in the knee for some time and doctors believe that he may have some cartilage issues.
We’re no doctors, but when you’re the No. 1 pick in the NBA draft and you’re having surgery before you ever play in a regular season game then it can’t be good. With only about a month-and-a-half until the season kicks off, there have got to be some seriously sweaty palms in Portland. After all, with a healthy Kevin Durant right down the road reminding them of what they passed on, a serious injury to the cornerstone of the Blazers would be devastating.
But we shouldn’t be getting all doom and gloom on the situation just yet, after all he recovered just fine from his tonsillectomy earlier in the year. Oh, wait, you don’t need your tonsils to battle for position down in the post against guys like Shaquille O’Neal, Tim Duncan and Marcus Camby. Sorry, Portland, you should be holding you’re breath until the post surgery press conference with team physician Dr. Don Roberts.
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[KGW.com]: Oden to undergo knee surgery
[OregonLive.com]: Oden injures knee
After guaranteeing the world that he’d rock our socks off when he crossed the goal line, Chad Johnson didn’t disappoint us with his delayed creativity. While the spontaneous imagination (and by spontaneous we mean scripted) has been somewhat dampened by the NFL rule changes, if you’ve got a couple extra minutes to wait around before the good times start rollin’ then you’ll love this season’s celebrations.
Dang, we could have gone and grabbed a beer from The Drunken Clam and been back before he put on that ugly yellow jacket. Was T.O. pulling out a Sharpie or Steve Smith doing the rowboat really all that bad? Now we gotta wait ten minutes before T.O. pulls out a Sharpie or Steve Smith does the rowboat. Geez, thanks NFL.
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[Awful Announcing]: Chad Johnson’s HOF Celebration
