And finally, when you think Father’s Day, there should really be only one man who pops into your head. That’s right, Shawn Kemp. So, from Hugging Harold Reynolds comes this Happy Pappy Day poem about the Reign Man.
Forty ounces to freedom
he forgets what he’s become
never used the mirror for reflection
the perfect surface for the street confection
got the sniffles nothin’ to blame on the weather
can’t lay off the coke it’s become his new pleasure
had a fan base spread wide like pepper mace
seattle’s ace in the hole, now he holds a sad place
when the drugs wore off his mouth remained open wide
hit the drive thru, couldn’t pick one– ordered every side
took the flack, made a comeback, attacked the rack
couldn’t cut it, didn’t make it, pounded a six pack
so many hi-lites, big dunks to remember, the lobs above all
can someone explain how shawn kemp messed up basketball
the number 40 still hangs in my closet, a middle school relic
yeah he’s a bum give’em one more shot, make’em a celtic
fans wanna see one more two-handed jam
give it up to the coverboy of slam
If you ever met Chad Johnson, what would you say? More importantly, what would you want him to say? You might not even know it, but you want him to deliver some gum-flapping, spittle-spraying, momma-ragging trash talk in your direction.
Odds are, you’ll never get close enough to Ocho-Cinco that he’d unload on you, but thanks to his new website you can get all the gum-flapping and momma-ragging minus the spittle. Pretty sweet, huh?
Just plug in your name and then send a personalized message to one of your closest pals by entering their name and phone number.
It goes something like this: “Hey, Jeffrey, this is Chad Johnson …Your boy says you’re a Kansas City fan. I don’t care how many times they win at home or how loud their fans get. Those boys (Chiefs) got no chance!
“… Who they think gonna stop me? I can’t even stop me! … Take some risks. You gotta take the big risks to get the big celebrations … You got a problem with this? Take it up with (your name) … Oh, and don’t forget: `85 in ’07,’ it’s all going down.”
The trash talk is geared toward any team you choose.
For the Patriots, Johnson declares, “I heard your new wide receiver’s over the hill. Me? I’m king of the hill.
Even though end zone celebrations have become rather cliché in recent years, trash talk will always remain in vogue.
After guaranteeing the world that he’d rock our socks off when he crossed the goal line, Chad Johnson didn’t disappoint us with his delayed creativity. While the spontaneous imagination (and by spontaneous we mean scripted) has been somewhat dampened by the NFL rule changes, if you’ve got a couple extra minutes to wait around before the good times start rollin’ then you’ll love this season’s celebrations.
Dang, we could have gone and grabbed a beer from The Drunken Clam and been back before he put on that ugly yellow jacket. Was T.O. pulling out a Sharpie or Steve Smith doing the rowboat really all that bad? Now we gotta wait ten minutes before T.O. pulls out a Sharpie or Steve Smith does the rowboat. Geez, thanks NFL.
A while back we told Chad Johnson that he should reconsider racing a horse because we thought that he’d get smoked. Well, when you’re wrong, you’re wrong and this time we were wrong. Ocho-Cinco ended up being the one doing the smoking (no, not that kind of smoking) as he torched that colt like he torches, well, the Colts.
But what really surprised us was what Johnson said after the race as he called out Floyd Mayweather, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and some NASCAR hillbilly to take him on in their respective professions. Listen, we all know that Johnson is a helluvan athlete but surely he’s bitten off more than his big mouth can chew this time. That stupid horse might have made us look stupid but there is no way CJ KO’s Mayweather or dunks on LBJ. Is there?
Well, folks, that certainly didn’t take much time for someone to leak the scans of the photos of Amanda Beard’s playboy spread onto the internet. They are fairly decent but more of an artsy Herb Ritts kind of photos (which is probably what she is going for) than actual, man that’s sexy type photo shoot. There’s no denying that she’s very hot but she wouldn’t be “Playboy material” if she wasn’t a famous olympic swimmer. Oh, and by the way, this is the first time real breasts have appeared in Playboy since 1976.
There’s one PSFW pic after the jump. But for now, here’s your other news… (as if you care)
So, if you had to guess, which NFL player would you say is crazy enough to race a friggin’ horse? Give up? Well, we all know that Ray Buchanan would probably guess it would be Shannon Sharpe but Sharpe doesn’t have the stones to go one-on-one with a stallion. You gotta be a batshit, fruit-loopy, Man-Ram type nutjob to go “man vs. beast” with a horse. So, Chad Johnson is naturally a perfect fit.
Ocho-Cinco will be taking on Restore the Roar on June 9 at the River Downs racetrack in Cincinnati, Ohio in order to raise money for Feed the Children. We can’t knock the guy for doing something to benefit a worthwhile charity but we have a feeling that he’d be trying to outrun the animals during a trip to an African wildlife safari. But regardless of motives, any way you slice it, this will be another entertaining adventure brought to you by Mr. Johnson.
While we’re not experts in the art of man vs. beast, we feel pretty comfortable in saying that the safe money is on the horse because we’ve seen the old FOX show where that track dude got smoked by a zebra and then had the balls to accuse “Zippity” of cheating.
We suggest that Chad calls off the race against Restore the Roar altogether and tries to race a giraffe instead. Maybe Carl Lewis can work the sidelines of that event as well.
[ESPN]: Man vs. horse in benefit race at River Downs
Chad Johnson loves to talk. And talk and talk and talk. So, it isn’t surprising that every now and then he makes a fool of himself by barking like a pit-bull and biting like yorkie. It’s really no big deal when it comes to gridiron trash talk; Johnson’s gotta be used to wiping egg off his face by now, but people in the real world don’t seem to appreciate it when he doesn’t back up his promises.
Cincinnati resident Thomas J. Monahan is suing Funny Bone Comedy Club after Johnson failed to follow through with his promise to give away a Lexus that he had received for free from a Florida dealership. Apparently Monahan bought a bunch of tickets at $17 a pop only to have Johnson give the car to some nappy headed ho. Monahan’s son also got screwed out of a trip to the Super Bowl that Johnson had put up for grabs. But Monahan isn’t alone as five other plaintiffs are getting in on the action claiming that they were also denied trips that were promised by Ocho-Cinco during his stint as host of a comedy showcase at the club.
Damn Chad, if you keep flapping your lips like this and your list of “Who Covered 85 in `05” will be dwarfed by the new “Who Sued 85 in ’07” list, and nobody wants that. The NFL and its fans need your flashy grills, silly hairdos, big mouth and especially your choreographed TD celebrations. And after making it into the end zone only seven times last season, we need you to be on the practice field, not in the courtroom.
Kellen Winslow might have fired the first round but then Chad Johnson returned fire with a series of shots. First, Winslow said that Browns corner Leigh Bodden would shut down Chad this weekend. In response, Chad had a teleconference with the Cleveland media that must have made Marvin Lewis just shake his head.
It’s humanly impossible to stop 85. You are kind of insulting me. I cannot be stopped. Period. Regardless as to how many times Carson and I missed on our page, I still give credit to [Leigh Bodden]. If you want to be realistic about it, he didn’t stop me — but I’m going to give him his credit anyways. That’s what I did.
I can’t be stopped, regardless as to what Kellen Winslow says. If he feels that strongly, that’s good. His teammates should have faith in him like that, to feel that he is the best cornerback. I feel that way about my corner. There is nothing wrong with that. You know what I feel? I feel our defense will shut down Kellen Winslow.
Have you ever seen anyone cover me before? I have six years’ worth of film. Go get all of them and find someone that has stopped me. You saw me drop balls in the Pepto game. Last year, in the second game here, you saw balls all over the place because it was a heavy wind game.
You didn’t see anyone physically stop me, physically knock the ball down, physically jam me at the line or reroute me. Come on now, let’s talk football.
Winner and still champeeeen — #85.
[Yahoo]: Words flying as Browns prepare for Bengals
Chad Johnson is going to lead the World’s Largest Chicken Dance this weekend at Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati. This certainly beats Carson Palmer’s Cornhole Classic, which is a lot more innocent than it sounds. It’s much better to be associated with Chicken Dancing than cornholing.
Anyway, Chad Johnson’s involvement as the Grand Marshall just upped the cool factor of this event 1,000 times. Previous leaders of the Chicken Dance were Weird Al Yankovich, Tony Orlando, Mini-Me, Vince Neil (uncool version), and Uncle Al and Captain Windy, whoever they are.
A Cincinnati bakery is also selling special Chad Johnson ‘He’s No Cream Puff’ Cream Puffs. (Thank god no one is selling ‘He’s no Pink Taco’ Pink Tacos.)
Is there any question that the Chicken Dance is on the menu should 85 score a TD this weekend?
[Marketwire PR]: Bengals’ Chad Johnson to Lead World’s Largest Chicken Dance at Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati Sept. 16, 2006
[Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati]: Official Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati homepage