Author: clay

Categories
Cincinnati Bengals

Chad Johnson’s mouth makes the news again


Chad Johnson loves to talk. And talk and talk and talk. So, it isn’t surprising that every now and then he makes a fool of himself by barking like a pit-bull and biting like yorkie. It’s really no big deal when it comes to gridiron trash talk; Johnson’s gotta be used to wiping egg off his face by now, but people in the real world don’t seem to appreciate it when he doesn’t back up his promises.

Cincinnati resident Thomas J. Monahan is suing Funny Bone Comedy Club after Johnson failed to follow through with his promise to give away a Lexus that he had received for free from a Florida dealership. Apparently Monahan bought a bunch of tickets at $17 a pop only to have Johnson give the car to some nappy headed ho. Monahan’s son also got screwed out of a trip to the Super Bowl that Johnson had put up for grabs. But Monahan isn’t alone as five other plaintiffs are getting in on the action claiming that they were also denied trips that were promised by Ocho-Cinco during his stint as host of a comedy showcase at the club.

Damn Chad, if you keep flapping your lips like this and your list of “Who Covered 85 in `05” will be dwarfed by the new “Who Sued 85 in ’07” list, and nobody wants that. The NFL and its fans need your flashy grills, silly hairdos, big mouth and especially your choreographed TD celebrations. And after making it into the end zone only seven times last season, we need you to be on the practice field, not in the courtroom.

Links:

[Sports By Brooks]: Man sues Chad Johnson for alleged Lexus renege
[Cincinnati.com]: Chad Johnson added to lawsuit

Categories
General Sports

Talk about spinning your wheels for nothing


George Hood, 49, spent 85 long hours riding on a stationary bike back in January in order to grab his place in the Guinness Book of World Records. Well, at least he thought he rode for 85 hours. But leave it to the guys over at Guinness to screw the pooch on this one and leave Hood recordless and with an unnecessarily sore ass.

Turns out that the 40 or so volunteers who were in charge of keeping track of Hood’s hours on the bike couldn’t add, subtract or read a clock and Hood’s attempt at breaking the current record of 82 hours had to be nullified. This guy covered 1,080 miles without leaving the room over his three-plus day journey all for nothing. But, hey, that’s what this douche deserves for trying to pull off one of these retarded feats. So, Hood has learned his lesson right? Wrong. This living room Lance Armstrong is going to try again this summer but he’s set the bar even higher this time with a 101 hour trek in mind.

If I’m going to go through all this training and work, I want to be published,” he said. “I won’t be denied.

Dude, be denied. Don’t you know that nobody cares about this kind of stuff? When’s the last time anyone has ever gone to Guinness in order to see who has spent the longest amount of time riding a stationary bike? We’re guessing never. The only thing that stupid book is good for is the freaks. C’mon, who doesn’t remember those fat twins on the mopeds or the world’s smallest married couple? Now, those are the records that find their ways into our hearts.

Links:

[SignOnSanDiego.com]: Are you smarter than your 40 volunteers?
[IndianaGazette.com]: World record attempt disqualified, Hood puts positive spin on effort

Categories
NBA General

Around the Rim: Ding! Ding! And round 2 is underway!


1. A bloody good game
The incredible upset of Dallas by Golden State in the first round was undoubtedly the best series of the 2007 postseason, well, until now. With the Mavericks out of the picture, San Antonio and Phoenix are now the two best teams (record wise and otherwise) remaining in the playoffs and on Sunday they put on a memorable show as the Spurs squeaked out a 111-106 victory on the road. It was a physical contest but you don’t have to take our word for it, just take a look at the reigning MVP and his bloody beak that was running like a faucet til the final buzzer after he had a good old fashioned meeting of the minds with Tony Parker in the fourth quarter. But Parker gave the Suns more headaches than headbutts as he torched Phoenix for 32 points on 14-of-22 shooting to go along with eight assists. Throw in 33 points and 16 boards from the Big Fundamental and it’s going to be tough for almost any team to compete. Ah, but Phoenix is not just any team and despite losing their MVP in the late, critical moments of the game, they still almost grabbed the first game. Whew, hold on tight because that was only Game 1 and we just might see six more of these bad boys.

2. Winning is the best medicine

LeBron James had a really bad cold with all the usual symptoms before Cleveland took the court for an early tip against New Jersey in Game 1, but you wouldn’t have known it by the way he played. He must have taken a couple of Dayquil; you know, the daytime, non-drowsy, congested-stuffy head, sore throat, cough, aching, fever so you can get trough the day medicine. King James even felt good enough to hit the final shot of the game with 32 seconds remaining to give the Cavs an 81-77 victory and a 1-0 lead in the series. The score might have been close but the rebounding battle was completely dominated by Cleveland as their starting frontcourt outrebounded the Nets starting big men 39-9. 30 rebounds; wow! The last time that happened in a playoff game was on May 9, 1979 (Washington at San Antonio, 47-16).

3. Van Gundy Out?
Tracy McGrady said that all the pressure, as well as the blame, of the Rockets first round series against Utah was to be placed squarely on his shoulders. Well, it’s sounding like coach Jeff Van Gundy might be the one who takes the fall for Houston’s home floor loss in Game 7 which knocked them out of the postseason. Van Gundy has only been with the Rockets for four years but in that time they have failed to reach the second round three times, and for the second time under JVG the Rockets have blown a 2-0 lead in a series. Now, four years might not seem like a long time but in today’s NBA it’s more or less an eternity. In fact, only two coaches have been with their teams longer than Van Gundy has been with Houston: Jerry Sloan has been with the Jazz since 1988 and Gregg Popovich has been roaming the SA sidelines since 1996.

Sunday’s Player of the Day: Tim Duncan @ Phoenix 40 min, 33 pts (FG: 12-24, FT: 9-15), 16 reb, 1 ast, 3 blk

Buzzer Beater: John Amaechi thought that America was full of insensitive, gay-hating, jerks (Wonder where he got that idea? Tim Hardaway maybe.), but he was wrong. Turns out that most of the nation, 95 percent according to Amaechi, have actually been pretty open to his coming out of the closet. “I imagined that it would be a firestorm, that it would be some insane number of letters demanding my deportation or my death,” said Amaechi. Hey, John, don’t flatter yourself buddy. Nobody cares enough about your sorry ass to actually demand that you be deported or put to death. Give us a break! Everybody knows that you are attempting to use your homosexuality to sell a book and further line your pockets, and more power to you for doing so. But don’t act like you thought you were going to be some type of martyr. You’re a gay, retired ball player; big freaking deal.

Categories
NBA General

Tim Hardaway opens his mouth and inserts his foot, again

We thought that Tim Hardaway had learned his lesson after his whole ordeal with hating gays and all but it looks like we might have thought wrong. Now, the date of this clip is debatable but if it is after he let John Amaechi have it on the radio then that is one thick headed dude. And if it was taped before his comments then it gives you another interesting look into the mind of a moron.

Our favorite part is when Hardaway starts telling Allen Iverson about how to have a good image. What’s next? Is Najeh Davenport going to start lecturing on how to keep your girlfriend happy?

Links:

[Can’t Stop The Bleeding]: Tim Hardaway Was Dressed For Success

Categories
NBA General

Around the Rim: Let the celebration begin!


1. The Warriors came out to play (and win)
Well, we’ve been talking about the “biggest upset in playoff history” for what feels like an eternity, but now it’s time to start discussing exactly where this bad boy ranks on the all-time upsets in the history of sports. Golden State used a 36-15 spanking throughout the third quarter to hammer the final nail into the Mavericks’ coffin, 111-86. Yup, that’s no typo; 111-86. Dallas now has to be considered one of the biggest chokers in recent postseason memory after blowing last year’s Finals to the Heat and now this inexcusable defeat to the Warriors. It’s surprising that Mark Cuban didn’t spontaneously combust during the game. Dirk Nowitzki didn’t even bother to show up in the biggest game of the year, but why should he? After all, he already said that the series would be over if they lost Game 4, which they did. Way to go Dirk, you just gift wrapped the MVP for Steve Nash with your pathetic postseason performance. Then again, that’s what friends are for.

2. Home cookin’ makes all the difference

This is what all fans of basketball look forward to every year, and now we finally have our first Game 7 of the 2007 postseason. So far the series between Utah and Houston has gone exactly according to form with each team winning the games on their home floor and Game 6 was no different as Utah used a late surge to force the ultimate win or go home scenario and won 94-82 in Salt Lake City. The Jazz big men led the way with 41 points and 18 rebounds and cry baby Andrei Kirilenko even wiped away his tears long enough to chip in a nice defensive effort of three steals and five blocks to go along with 14 points. The Rockets got decent offensive games from their stars but nobody else bothered to step up in the close out situation. Well, we can’t really say nobody; after all, this is a team that had only four players score in a game not too long ago.

3. Boy, Luol, you’re swell
Well, David Robinson, Grant Hill, AC Green and Joe Dumars will have to set the prim and proper table with one more setting for the newest member of the good guy club as Luol Deng snatched up the NBA’s sportsmanship award on Thursday. Receiving the award is a pretty lofty accomplishment but what’s even more impressive is that Deng beat out Mr. Manners Shane Battier. However, it wasn’t by much: 22 total votes to be exact. But we’re in the playoffs man, who really cares about sportsmanship? It’s good to know that there actually are players who give the league a positive image but now’s the time when we wanna see Deng start throwing some elbows when crashing the boards and putting a little extra umph into those picks. Chicago has Detroit in the next round and Deng has been a good boy long enough, it’s time for him to channel his inner Bad Boy.

Thursday’s Player of the Day: Stephen Jackson vs. Dallas 44 min, 33 pts (FG: 10-19, 3FG: 7-8, FT: 6-8), 5 reb, 3 ast, 3 stl

Buzzer Beater: Ron Artest finally got sentenced for smacking his wife back in March and now he gets to spend a nice sized chunk of his summer picking up trash alongside the highway. A judge sentenced Ron Ron to 100 hours of community service and a 10-day work project to go along with a whole butt load of counseling. Despite what some reports said, Artest lucked out and avoided jail time; there goes his hardcore rap image. You can’t really get street cred by doing hard time in a 10-day work project. Something tells us that Tupac is looking at Artest from somewhere out there and just laughing his ass off.

Categories
NBA General

Sir Charles is the next Billy Blanks

If you’re a night owl like us, then you’re probably use to those horrible late night ads that hit the air around 1:00 in the morning. No, not the 1-900-BIG-JUGS ad that gets run 25 times per hour; we’re talking about the infomercials for crap like 2 Second Abs, The Veg-O-Matic and Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia. But the other night something flashed across the screen that had us jumping outta our Lazy Boys; the collectors edition “Sir Charles Hardwood Classics” DVD. We thought it was all just a dream but it looks like the fellas at Inside the NBA saw the same commercial.

All that and a free Chuckcycle 5000 for the amazing low, low price of just $9.99!! We’re sold!

Categories
All Other Sports

Odds and Ends: Horses get accused of being juiced



We always knew that Seabiscuit was full of crap.

First it was limited to the world of bicycling and Lance Armstrong, then it hopped over to baseball with Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Conseco and Barry Bonds to mention a few. And now we can’t even enjoy coverage of the Kentucky Derby without having to endure a bunch of conspiracy theories involving the purity of blood cells and muscle density. All the horses will be drug tested prior to the race in order to uphold the integrity of the event. Apparently, Barbaro wrote a book before his death that exposed some of the other horses as being users of enhancing substances.

In other news…

[ESPN]: When it comes to golf, Derek Jeter is no Ryan Longwell.

[Yahoo]: “Naked man superglued to exercise bike during heist.” Ummm… ok.

[SI.com]: Barry Bonds isn’t the only Giant with a drug problem. Wonder if they shared needles?

[Yahoo Sports]: Tractor Traylor’s cousin was a bad man. A rich man, but a bad man.

[Larry Brown Sports]: Please fire Scott Van Pelt. Please fire Scott Van Pelt. Please fire Scott Van Pelt…

[WFTV.com]: The Juice finds time during his hunt for the real killer to enjoy a day at the track.

And finally, for all you house hunters out there, 50 Cent’s 52-room mansion in Connecticut is up for sale. 50 bought the house, which used to be owned by Mike Tyson, for $4.1 million in 2003 and has since spent around $6 million to pimp his crib. According to the agent who was listing the house when Iron Mike was there, “He’s put a lot into it, and it’s all very tasteful, except the stripper poles.”

Categories
General Sports

These guys are not bringing sexy back



You callin’ me ugly? Why I oughta…

So, The Phoenix decided to release their list of “The 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007” and it is a pretty good compilation of ugly dudes. But, here at Sportscolumn, we’re only fascinated with the most hideous, stomach turning sports dudes that made the list. Well, we’re not really fascinated with them. It’s more like we’re just interested in them. Uh, not interested in them as in interested in them; oh, geez, forget it. Here’s who made the list:

#90 – John Kruk, Roundballer

#74 – Peyton Manning, Spokesmodel

#72 – George Steinbrenner, Evil emperor

#62 – Larry Bird, Gomer Pyle with skillz

#57 – Randy Johnson, Buzzardly hurler

#55 – Ronaldinho, Goal getter

#53 – Bud Selig, Baller, shot-caller

#45 – The Duke Lacrosse Team, Player haters

#43 – Pacman Jones, Rainmaker

#40 – Curt Schilling, Bloggist

#37 – Tony Kornheiser, Roundtablist

#31 – Bill Belichick, Player-coach

#25 – O.J. Simpson, First-time novelist

Just so you have a sense of where exactly on the line of ugly these guys rank, here’s some notable markers to keep in mind. #82 – The Geico Caveman, #61 – Harry Knowles, #42 – Jeff Foxworthy, #36 – Brian Posehn, #28 – Dustin “Screech” Diamond, #24 – Phil Spector, #3 – Flavor Flav and, of course, #1 – Donald Trump. Just imagine if The Donald had his head shaved at Wrestlemania; actually that might have improved his looks.

Links:

[The Phoenix]: The 100 Unsexiest Men 2007

Categories
General Sports

Do we really need to tell you how moronic Stu Scott is?


Stu Scott has got to be one of the most annoying man on television and he’s proving that his disabilities are far worse than simply having a lazy eye. Mr. Boo-Yah opened his yapper to ESPN the Magazine the other day but instead of the normal horribly scripted garbage that comes spewing out, he shared some of his true feelings about culture in response to an email. We don’t know which is worse.

Emailer: Stuart, you say Pacman isn’t a bad guy, but Imus’ words reflect who he is? Whats the difference?

Stu: ” I didn’t say Imus was a bad person. I do think he’s racist and sexist”

“That makes him a flawed person, like Pacman.”

“Personally, though, I’LL TAKE PACMANS INDISCRETIONS OVER THOSE OF IMUS

Look, Stu, we all know that you can’t see out of that glass eye you’ve got, but it shouldn’t be completely skewing your view of reality. Imus is a documented bigot; nobody is saying he’s a saint, but Pacman?! You do know who Pacman Jones is, right? Please don’t make us go through the entire list of transgressions again, but we’ll remind you that he did spark a shooting after slamming a stripper’s head into the stage in Vegas. Call us crazy, but we’ll take the whole “nappy-headed hos” thing any day over getting an innocent bystander paralyzed.

What makes the cyclops’ comments even more retarded is that he came out after the whole Imus thing broke and said that the term “ho” is a way of being affectionate. Huh? So, how can Pacman possibly be less flawed than Imus when you think that Imus was only being “affectionate” when he called those hos hos?

Go away, Stu, just freakin’ go away.

Links:

[Awful Announcing]: Stu Scott Think Pacman Jones Is A Saint

Categories
Olympics

Ben Johnson is still disgracing Canada after all these years



Sorry Ben, they still haven’t
forgotten.

Canada has lots of enduring qualities: clean air, government sponsored health care, Labatt Blue Beer (actually the jury is still out on that one), and according to Bowling for Columbine, nobody bothers to lock their doors. Oh and don’t forget that its home to North America’s version of Amsterdam in British Columbia. But, believe it or not, Canada actually has some bad qualities as well, namely it’s residents.

A Canadian magazine, The Beaver (we laughed too), is conducting a search to find the “worst Canadian” of all-time and amongst the possible winners are some of the most vile and reprehensible criminals to ever call live in Canada. And then there’s Ben Johnson. You might remember Johnson as the world’s fastest man, but if you do then you need to seriously brush up on your sports history because he was quickly stripped of his medal for the tainted 9.79 seconds of shame due to the use of steroids.

You would think that the Canadians would be over this by now, after all it did happen in 1988 but noted Canadian historian Will Ferguson still seems a bit bitter.

He (Ferguson) refused to divulge details about his planned nominee. But he did mention disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson “humiliated Canada” at the 1988 Olympics by testing positive for steroids, and called Charles Lawrence — the 18th-century governor of Nova Scotia who orchestrated the expulsion of the Acadians — “an example of someone who has had a huge negative impact” on the country’s history.

Now, we’re no experts on our neighbors to the north but we’d have to say that the person who removed an entire population from the country would have to be considered to be a tad worse Canadian than some dude who poked himself full of the juice. But, hey, this is Canada’s poll, so we know that it’s gonna be all jacked up. This is the country where Terrance and Phillip rein supreme, right?

Links:

[Edmonton Journal]: History magazine launches search for `worst Canadian’
[Steroid Nation]: Ben Johnson in running for `Worst Canadian Ever’