Categories
Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban turns into a sniveling little girl when it comes to his MVP

Today was supposed to be Dirk Nowitzki’s big day as he received the franchise’s first ever MVP award from David Stern. But, then again, this was supposed to be happening during the pregame festivities of a playoff game and not from inside a conference room in Dallas. So, what should have been a celebration for the Mavericks organization felt an awful lot like a funeral. Here’s Mark Cuban delivering the eulogy.

Geez, Mark; guess it’s pretty tough to see your little boy all grown up, ain’t it? We haven’t seen a sadder owner since Roy Jackson had to put Barbaro down. And while the clip ends a bit prematurely, in typical Maverick style for the year, there was an incredibly awkward hug between the owner and his star after Cubes left the podium. In fact, Cuban looked like he was going to melt away into Dirk’s giant arms. We’re actually pretty surprised that Mark didn’t go for the double-underhook hug on his man crush. But wipe away those tears, baby boy, and turn that frown upside down; you’re starting to make Andrei Kirilenko, Dick Vermeil and Emmitt Smith feel a bit uncomfortable.

Categories
Oakland Raiders

Raiders fans are some douche bags, ya heard?

We all know that Raiders fans are a bunch of whackos that are one chromosome short of becoming full fledged human beings. So, it’s not really fair to put these mutants up against their rivals, 49ers fan, in a fist fight. Everyone knows that the brute physical strength would give those meatheads a decided advantage over the flower smelling hippies in San Francisco. What is fair, however, is to give Raider fan an opponent of equal mental capacity; like a 49er helmet for example.

First off, here’s a little insight from an outsiders perspective: you guys aren’t black! What’s with all the Ebonics? But that’s beside the point. We love how these guys think that a firecracker is just going to blow the helmet to smithereens. You gotta give these douches an “A” for effort though, but eventually even a Raider fan was able to figure out that no firecrackers, samurai sword, scooter, gun or blow darts can compete with a good ol’ fashioned smackin’ from a nine iron. Ya’ know what I mean, kid?

Keep an eye out for our favorite moment of dialogue when one of the dumbasses looks into the camera and says “I’ll shoot your motherfuckin’ ass with a blowdart, dawg.”

Links:

[49ersNews.com]: Video: Why Raider Fans Shouldn’t Inbreed

Categories
Boxing

Today in fake boxing steroids news


Rocky Balboa has pleaded guilty in Australia to one count of importing a banned substance (HGH) without a prescription and one count of posession of testosterone, a banned substance in Australia. Stallone was busted in February for trying to sneak the PEDs in his luggage and also trying to get rid of more evidence before a customs search by throwing vials out of his hotel room balcony. Unfortunately, the vials just landed in a garden box and were easily recovered.

Even though he did not appear in court via satellite link, Stallone apologized for the incident and his lawyers claim that he was taking both substances for a “medical condition.” Yeah, the medical condition being that he needed to be ripped for the final (please?) Rocky movie. We must accept that he has a serious medical condition that requires these drugs because his lawyer tells us so:


This is not some back-alley body builder dealing covertly with some banned substance in some sort of secret way. This was a legitimate medical condition being treated by doctors of the top ranking order in the west coast of the United States.

We didn’t realize Dr. Nick had moved to the west coast.

Links:
[Steroid Nation]: Sly Stallone sorry for his new black eye

Categories
MLB General

Sports Father of the Year Candidate: Anonymous choking coach


OK folks, we have our second Sports Father of the Year story from Clarksville Tennessee. It always surprises us the crap that goes on during kids sports. Last year, we had the father who pulled a gun on a ref and one who fired two coaches from his team after they dared to play his son on offense.

This year our first candidate was a Chinese father who made his daughter prepare for 2018 Olympics by running her into the ground at the age of 8. Our second candidate is a peewee baseball assistant coach who tried to pull a Latrell Sprewell on another coach after an altercation.

According to Rafael Gonzalez, he called a time-out when the opposing head coach coach Bret Wyatt improperly stopped a ball that got past the second baseman (peewee coaches stand in the field) and was talking to him when the assistant coach of the other team cursed him and brushed his shoulder. Gonzalez spit his gum at him and he went nuts and started choking him. Both were ejected but no one can track down the assistant coach to file charges because nobody knows his name.

What? How is this possible? Does this Bret Wyatt guy not know the name of his assistant coaches? Was this just some random guy coming off the street to coach a bunch of kids? Are they letting Mr. Herbert coach now? Anyway, both coaches have been tossed from the league. We’ll keep you updated on any more insane fathers.

Links:
[Knoxnews]: 2 peewee coaches tossed after choking fight

Categories
Soccer

Sofia Loren threatens to get naked


Every yin must have its yang. Every dark must have its light. Every Mitch Williams must have his Joe Carter. And every report of Amanda Beard getting naked in Playboy must be countered with one about Sofia Loren threatening to do a striptease if Napoli gets promoted to Serie A.


I hope that Napoli win these last few games. You watch if we go up I will do a striptease,” she told Gazzetta dello Sport in an interview on Tuesday. “The fans have a total passion, the city deserves promotion.

Sofia Loren is no doubt one of the hottest women in the history of cinema. But she’s also now 72 years old. So unless she plans on traveling 40 years back in time to do this, this is gonna be eye clawingly bad. Now, we’re think this is just a joke but… let’s just make absolutely sure and root on the five opponents the team has left this season. The world, already reeling from Harry Potter’s uncalled for unit, does not need anymore bad nudity.

Links:
[Yahoo]: Napoli fan Sofia Loren to strip if team go up

Categories
Jacksonville Jaguars

Fred Taylor almost went sky diving without a parachute



Wonder if these guys were piloting
at the time?

Do you hate flying as much as we do? After experiencing some seriously disturbing in-air disturbances while visiting Africa, we’re guessing that Jaguars running back Fred Taylor does.

Taylor had been touring Zambia and Zimbabwe and all those other Z-countries in South Africa with his wife and his buddies Samari Rolle, Lito Sheppard and their lil’ ladies. Everything had been going swimmingly for group of tourists until the dreaded “Samari safari.” On the way back from checking out the wildlife, the 15-seat, single-propeller plane’s door flew open at about 6,000 feet and caused a panic amongst the normally cool pro ballers.

I thought that was it,” Taylor said Monday following the final day of Jacksonville’s three-day minicamp. “I put my head down and started praying. The runway was about two miles away, but it seemed like it took 10 or 15 minutes to get there.”

Taylor joked that it was the first time he felt like he was near death “since I was playing for (coach Tom) Coughlin.

Maybe Taylor should spring for a little safer accommodation on his next journey to a third world country. After all, it’s not like the guy can’t travel in style; the Jaguars just gave him a three-year extension worth $23 million. But things could have been much worse; what if there had been a bunch of killer snakes on the plane?

Links:

[CBS Sportsline]: Jaguars’ Taylor Gets Scare In Africa
[Gainesville.com]: Ex-Gators get scare during Africa trip

Categories
MLB General

The Full Count: Dice-K Dominates


1. The Dice-K we were waiting for: After all the preseason hype and promising first start, Daisuke Matsuzaka was plagued by a streak of poor outings. But to start off a series between AL heavyweights (Red Sox vs. Tigers), Dice-K gave his best effort yet. He threw his first MLB complete game, gave up just one run, and threw a whopping 124 pitches in the Red Sox’s 7-1 win. The victory gave the Red Sox an 8.5 game division lead, their largest since 1995, and they have the best record in the league at 26-11. This four-game series at Fenway should be one of the more entertaining so far this year. The Tigers will send Justin Verlander to the mound on Tuesday to face AL ERA leader Tim Wakefield.

2. Nearly a no-hitter: The Braves-Nationals game featured a pitching matchup of 18-year vet John Smoltz and first-year starter Jason Bergmann. Surprisingly, it was Bergmann who delivered a gem: 8 innings, 2 hits, and 10 strikeouts. He no-hit the Braves until the 8th inning, when Brian McCann hit a solo homer. Smoltz wasn’t bad either, but the Braves couldn’t muster any offense in a 2-1 loss. The win extends a season-high four-game win streak for the 13-25 Nationals, and Bergmann’s start was the highlight of their season so far. Atlanta’s loss combined with a Mets win puts New York back in first.

3. All About the Pitchers: This season has been dominated by pitching, and yesterday continued that trend. Dice-K and Bergmann were great, as well as Greg Maddux, Dan Haren, Gil Meche, and Tom Gorzelanny. Maddux pitched a complete-game with one run allowed in the Padres’ 7-1 win over Cincinnati. Meche and Haren pitched a combined 15 scoreless innings in the Royals-A’s game, giving both pitchers an ERA under 2.00. The Royals won on a ninth-inning homerun by John Buck. The surprising Gorzelanny improved to 5-2 with a 2.36 ERA after seven shutout innings in a win over the Marlins. In other pitching news, the Angels’ Jered Weaver returned to form with a great start against the Rangers, which lowered his ERA from 4.26 to 3.62.

Player of the Day: JJ Hardy, Brewers: 2-5, HR, 3 RBIs in a 6-8 loss to the Phillies. This is more of a season-achievement award for Hardy, who now leads the National League with 12 homers and 37 RBIs. It is hard to even imagine a more surprising start than that of Hardy, who already has set his career high for homeruns.

Categories
NBA General

Around the Rim: Spurs and Suns get even more physical



Nash is mad as hell and he’s not
gonna take it anymore!

1. Wait; who won that game?
If you decided to turn in early last night and skip out on the end of Game 4 between San Antonio and Phoenix then shame on you. The Spurs were in control for almost the entire game, but almost was just enough space that the Suns needed and they put together a late surge that closed an 11 point gap and gave Phoenix a 104-98 victory that tied up the series at two games apiece. It was a stunning turn of events in SA as it looked like the Spurs were ready to take a commanding 3-1 advantage but it quickly fell apart as Tim Duncan got nailed to the bench with his fifth foul. As the game was coming to an end tempers began to flare as Robert Horry delivered a hard forearm shot that sent Steve Nash flying into the scorers’ table. A brief melee broke out with Horry, Nash and Raja Bell but the situation was quickly diffused as Horry was ejected from the game. However, what could prove to be quite costly was Amare Stoudemire‘s and possibly Boris Diaw‘s decisions to leave the bench area when the scuffle broke out. If David Stern decides to go by the book then their actions are worthy of an automatic one game suspension.

2. Cavs advance; well, almost

The Nets stuck around until the final buzzer but when the horn sounded it was Cleveland who had grabbed a 3-1 lead in the series and put themselves in an excellent position to finish this thing off at home on Wednesday. LeBron James is just one little victory away from etching his name into Cavaliers history by taking the team to their third conference finals ever. It has been 17 long, long, long years since the Cavs last made an appearance in Eastern Conference’s big show. And New Jersey made it a lot easier than it should have been as the Nets’ big three just couldn’t get anything going offensively because they combined for a pathetic 11-of-48 from the field. Sorry, Jay-Z, but that’s just not gonna cut it when King James is exploding for 30 points, nine rebounds and seven assists. Cleveland fans finally have some positive postseason memories to hold on to; hopefully Michael Jordan’s runner over Craig Ehlo hasn’t been too damaging over the years.

3. Could Larry Brown and Greg Oden be a package deal?
It looks like Larry Brow is the top candidate for the open head coaching gig with the Grizzlies, but in typical Larry Brown fashion he’s not making any decisions until he’s sure he’s going to get exactly what he wants. And apparently what Brown wants is the same thing that every coach is desires, Greg Oden. The draft lottery will be held on May 22 which means that we should know exactly where the ol’ ball coach stands by the time the last logo gets pulled from its oversized envelope. Memphis has a great chance of grabbing the top pick which would give the Grizz a solid core for the Yoda-like guru to mentor into young Jedi masters. But the journeyman doesn’t have the patience these days to groom some stick figure into the defensive stopper that his systems so desperately require. It’s an all or nothing situation for Memphis in this year’s lottery. But, then again, we can’t imagine the Grizzlies being too disappointed if Kevin Durant falls into their laps.

Monday’s Player of the Day: Steve Nash @ San Antonio 41 min, 24 pts (FG: 8-12, 3FG: 2-3, FT: 6-8), 2 reb, 15 ast

Buzzer Beater: After two long years of singing the praises of Steve Nash, today we finally usher in a new era of elite as Dirk Nowitzki dons the MVP crown and reduces Nash from “reigning” to “former” MVP. Dirk will probably be so stoked during his press conference that he starts doing his best impersonation of German sensation David Hasselhoff during his acceptance speech. Not! But if Dirk started mumbling while picking at a plate of food with his shirt off, you’d have to admit that it would make for some entertaining television. Hell, we couldn’t really blame the guy if he did show up to the ceremony in a drunken stooper just like his childhood hero. It’s gotta be rough when your best friend and the previous MVP is still ballin while you’re having to pretend to be happy and smile for the cameras when all Dirk really wants to do is hide under a rock until training camp begins.

Categories
Green Bay Packers

Odds and Ends: Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre


You ever get the feeling that inside Brett Favre’s head is exactly like that scene in Being John Malkovich and it’s “Favre Favre Favre Favre Favre” all the time? The guy with the biggest ego in all of sports (remember, last year, he called a press conference to tell everyone that he didn’t call a press conference to tell everyone he wasn’t sure whether he would retire…) demanded a trade after the draft but now claims he didn’t demand and a trade and never wanted to be traded. He was just frustrated. And now everyone has to worry about whether Favre will be happy on his shitty 8-8 team.

Of course, the only reason why this drama queen gets so much leeway is because he plays in Green Bay where they boo presidential candidates because he dares say that Peyton Manning might be the greatest QB in NFL history. Bunch of idiots.

In other news…

[Myspace]: Ken Griffey Jr. shares his jock with a Dodgers fan

[Kahlee’s blog]: Hmmm…. a naked female rugby scrum sounds better than it actually is.

[ESPN]: St. Bonaventure baseball coach pulls a Barry Switzer

[Our Book of Scrap]: Another crazy minor league baseball promotion: the world’s tallest baseball player in history

[Fox Sports]: Georgia’s women’s golf coach quits after telling too many “that’s what she said” jokes.

[HoustonTexans.com]: Amanda is your last Houston Texans cheerleader.

And finally, the Inside Track girls are spreading the rumor that Tom Brady will marry Gisele in Rome. Which brings us to case of the blind people over at the Big Lead. TBL is one of our favorite blogs but they actually think Kim “sex tape” Kardashian is hotter than Giselle Bundchen. Gisele is a supermodel with legs up to here… and Kim is a little tramp with a sex tape. How is this even a contest?

Categories
General Sports

Mr. President, sir, your problems in Iraq are over. O.J. Simpson is on the case, sir.

Have you seen the television series starring O.J. Simpson? No, not the one where he pretends to be Ashton Kutcher as he attempts to sell unsuspecting car buyers his infamous white Bronco; we’re talking about The O.J. Simpsons.

Broadcaster.com has released a series of animated briefs that parody FOX’s The Simpsons but instead of Homer eating doughnuts, mmmm doughnuts, you get the Juice licking blood off a butcher’s knife. Apparently FOX isn’t too happy about the mockery of their famous animated family and wants all the cartoons removed. Good luck with that.

Here’s a look at an episode entitled “Warzone.”

Don’t worry, there’s more where that came from. After the jump, you can see O.J. explain what happened to mommy to the Simpson kids in “If I Did It” and then enjoy the antics of the Juice and his buddies Mel Gibson and Michael Richards as they celebrate the holidays in “Black and White Christmas.”

Links:

[CNN.com]: `O.J. Simpsons’ parody earns Fox’s ire
[Ad Freak]: Fox unamused by `O.J. Simpsons’ parody

Continue reading “Mr. President, sir, your problems in Iraq are over. O.J. Simpson is on the case, sir.”