Tag: funny

Categories
NFL General

Mark Schlereth shows TV land why people call him Stink

We don’t usually talk about soap operas here at Sportscolumn, but when one of our favorite talking heads from ESPN decides to join the cast of Guiding Light, it tends to grab our attention.

You probably know him as the guy with the great hair on NFL Live or you might know him as Stink from his days with the Broncos. But regardless of how you know Mark Schlereth, you can now start to refer to him as Roc Hoover. Don’t believe us? Check it out for yourself.

What’s next? Is Barry Melrose going to join the crew of Laguna Beach?

It’s probably safe to say that Roc is going to be looked at a bit differently by his co-workers and ex teammates now. But who really cares? After all, Schlereth could be sharing the set with the next Eva Longoria. Perhaps they’ll even twist his arm and get him to hop in the sack with one of the daytime divas for a cheesy love scene. And, if you ask us, that’s not too bad of a way to earn a few extra bucks.

Categories
Dallas Mavericks

Mark Cuban turns into a sniveling little girl when it comes to his MVP

Today was supposed to be Dirk Nowitzki’s big day as he received the franchise’s first ever MVP award from David Stern. But, then again, this was supposed to be happening during the pregame festivities of a playoff game and not from inside a conference room in Dallas. So, what should have been a celebration for the Mavericks organization felt an awful lot like a funeral. Here’s Mark Cuban delivering the eulogy.

Geez, Mark; guess it’s pretty tough to see your little boy all grown up, ain’t it? We haven’t seen a sadder owner since Roy Jackson had to put Barbaro down. And while the clip ends a bit prematurely, in typical Maverick style for the year, there was an incredibly awkward hug between the owner and his star after Cubes left the podium. In fact, Cuban looked like he was going to melt away into Dirk’s giant arms. We’re actually pretty surprised that Mark didn’t go for the double-underhook hug on his man crush. But wipe away those tears, baby boy, and turn that frown upside down; you’re starting to make Andrei Kirilenko, Dick Vermeil and Emmitt Smith feel a bit uncomfortable.

Categories
General Sports

Mr. President, sir, your problems in Iraq are over. O.J. Simpson is on the case, sir.

Have you seen the television series starring O.J. Simpson? No, not the one where he pretends to be Ashton Kutcher as he attempts to sell unsuspecting car buyers his infamous white Bronco; we’re talking about The O.J. Simpsons.

Broadcaster.com has released a series of animated briefs that parody FOX’s The Simpsons but instead of Homer eating doughnuts, mmmm doughnuts, you get the Juice licking blood off a butcher’s knife. Apparently FOX isn’t too happy about the mockery of their famous animated family and wants all the cartoons removed. Good luck with that.

Here’s a look at an episode entitled “Warzone.”

Don’t worry, there’s more where that came from. After the jump, you can see O.J. explain what happened to mommy to the Simpson kids in “If I Did It” and then enjoy the antics of the Juice and his buddies Mel Gibson and Michael Richards as they celebrate the holidays in “Black and White Christmas.”

Links:

[CNN.com]: `O.J. Simpsons’ parody earns Fox’s ire
[Ad Freak]: Fox unamused by `O.J. Simpsons’ parody

Continue reading “Mr. President, sir, your problems in Iraq are over. O.J. Simpson is on the case, sir.”

Categories
Tennessee Titans

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!


Considering that Vince Young is the next Madden cover boy and all (check out the commercial, rooks), you’d think that the Titans would want to boost his game sells by giving him some big-time weapons to throw to. Well, let’s see; Tennessee hasn’t made any offseason moves for a wide receiver, they didn’t select a WR with their first pick in the draft and now we find out that the coaches are throwing bricks at the receivers they do have.

Fred Graves is the new wide receivers coach for the Titans and his sure fire technique for getting his players to keep their eye on the ball and follow it all the way into their body is to occasionally throw bricks at the guys. Now, if an ACME brick to the chest doesn’t get your attention then nothing will.

If I toss you a football and you drop it, no big deal unless I am yelling at you as a coach,” Graves said. “But if I toss you a brick, without you sidestepping it, you’re going to look at it with your hands and eyes. You won’t just throw your hands out there because of the consequences. Everybody knows, ‘Hey, this thing will hurt.’

This sounds like a drill that the Cowboys should start using. After all, Terrell Owens had so many balls pass through his hands last season that he looked like Paris Hilton in pads. And anyways, if he doesn’t reel `em in then he takes a brick to the head; what’s the big deal? Hopefully he’s not wearing a helmet at the time. That just might be the only way to knock some sense into that guy.

Links:

[WBIR.com]: Titans coach throws bricks to make point

Categories
All Other Sports

"The boys took a beatin on that one"

First off, we apologize to everyone who lost their lunch watching this video last week. But that’s not going to stop us from posting another terrible injury. Don’t be afraid to watch it though, it’s more funny pain than horrific pain. And you must have the sound on full volume to fully appreciate the clip.

It’s not often you get to hear the moment when future generations are all destroyed. It was like a million tiny voices crying out in unison and then suddenly silenced. Ohhh messieure!

(Hat tip: Sports By Brooks)

Categories
MLB General

Didn’t these guys learn anything from "A League of Their Own?"

Apparently the good people over at Maxim do more than just compile sexy spreads of some of the hottest babes under the sun. In fact, according to our sources, their magazines actually have words in them. Who knew? As a result, we did a little hunting of our own and found one of these mysterious “articles” we had been told of, and it turned out to be quite entertaining. So, without further ado, we give to you “Baseball’s Biggest Wuss Bags.”

#10-Mike Piazza, Oakland A’s

#9-Chuck Finley, California Angels

#8-Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants

#7-Vince Coleman, New York Mets

#6-Jose Canseco, The Surreal Life

#5-This guy

#4-John Kruk, Philadelphia Phillies/Baseball Tonight

#3-Mark Prior, Chicago Cubs

#2-Bobby Crosby, Oakland A’s

#1-Carl Pavano, New York Yankees

It’s a pretty accurate list considering that it came from a picture book. Ya know, Playboy might want to consider this concept of using stories in their mag as well.

Links:

[MaximOnline.com]: Baseball’s Biggest Wuss Bags

Categories
All Other Sports

This just in…badminton sucks harder than you thought

If you like the big mouthed portions and greasy trash talk that gets served on the side of every professional sport in the United States, then badminton is probably not going to be your cup of tea. There are no Chad Johnsons, Floyd Mayweathers or Gary Paytons floating around the pro badminton circuits. These guys pride themselves on their polite etiquette and gentle(wo)manly gestures.

I’m a huge hockey fan,” Santa Teresa badminton coach Mike Do said, “and if there’s a penalty, I’ll still boo. But in badminton, we don’t boo. We only cheer for good shots. Nobody yells `Miss!’ We teach them to be respectful of the game and their opponents.

Where’s the fun in that? Sportsmanship, we don’t need no stinking sportsmanship. In badminton, players are expected to honestly call their own faults and line decisions. Can you imagine a bunch of NBAers or NFLers calling their own fouls? Hell, you can’t even get a couple kids playing a pick-up game on the street to call their own fouls honestly.

They also gotta go shake hands with their opponent after the game which is a pretty customary practice for most sports but what we are really upset about is that players aren’t allowed to give the birdie a nice, hardcore, overhead smash when it gets popped up at the net. And some actually wonder why it gets labeled as a “sissy” sport. Badminton isn’t anything like the commercials make it out to be!

Links:

[MercuryNews.com]: No booing in badminton

Categories
Soccer

Finally, someone understands how we feel about soccer


There are enough great sports here in North America that we at Sportscolumn don’t usually look across the pond for colorful commentary on athletics. But there are some quotes that just can’t be denied. Like Jorge Valdano’s remark about the poor play of Champions League participants Chelsea and Liverpool.

Put a s*** hanging from a stick in the middle of this passionate, crazy stadium and there are people who will tell you it’s a work of art.”

“It’s not — it’s a s*** hanging from a stick.

For a minute there we thought that Valdano was talking about the Green Bay Packers. But regardless of what sport it was about, that was one of the greatest quotes in the history of athletic competition. Rank it right up there with:

What’s that? Playoffs? Don’t talk about– playoffs? You kidding me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game!

and

I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we’re talking about practice. Not the game that I go out there and die for and play every game like it’s my last but we’re talking about practice man. How silly is that?

Links:

[The Sun]: S*** hanging from a stick

Categories
Milwaukee Brewers

Brewers’ latest promotion goes ass up


If you thought that Reese’s did a good job of combining two of your favorite treats into one tasty experience, just wait until you get a load of the Milwaukee Brewers’ latest promotion.

Fans at today’s game will have the opportunity to get free tickets to an upcoming game and all they have to do to get them is participate in a free prostate exam. Yup, just let the good folks at the National Prostate Cancer Coalition feel inside your anus and you could get a pair of crappy (no pun intended) tickets to a Brewers game. Now, we know the Brew Crew is playing some pretty good ball right now but we’d rather throw down the $20-$30 bucks for our seats, thank you very much. Oh, and only the first 50 brave souls to get in line will get the tickets. Hopefully the 51st guy found that out before taking a finger to ass for nothing.

This is probably all very professional, well as professional as you can be in the rectal exam-mobile, but can you imagine walking out of that RV and having all your fellow fans pointing and laughing at you from the ticket line as you gingerly make your way over to the gates. Talk about the walk of shame. And anyways, how are you supposed to sit in a hard, plastic seat for three hours after that? But if you slap the magic word “free” in front of anything there will always be some cheap bastards lining up around the block. Some people will do anything for a little extra beer money.

Links:

[Bugs and Cranks]: Brewers Kicking, Inspecting Ass
[Froedtert.com]: Free Prostate Cancer Screenings at Miller Park
[OnMilwaukee.com]: Free Prostate Cancer Screening

Categories
St. Louis Cardinals

Albert Pujols scares the crap out of a ball boy

So, what do you do when Albert Pujols hits a laser shot right at you? Well, if you the ball boy for the St. Louis Cardinals you take a dive into the first row of the stands. Can’t blame the guy for not wanting to get blasted by the ball but he is the ball boy, right? Last time we checked it was his job to catch those things. But, hey, we’re not complaining; it gave us a great clip to chuckle about for hours.

Links:

[STLSportsMag.com]: Sometimes you just gotta bail…