Tag: funny

Categories
Golf

Annika vs. Michelle: Let’s get it on!

Despite being a horrendous golfer, Michelle Wie continues to get the hype. But now she’s finally starting to face some harsh criticism as well. Especially after a suspicious wrist injury forced her to withdraw from the Ginn Tribute as she came perilously close to breaking 88; had she broke the magic number it would have prevented her from playing for the remainder of the year. Oh, but that wrist was good enough to smack some balls over the weekend at Bulle Rock.

So, it starts with the fibbing of an injury here and there and before you know it we’ve got the next Lindsay Lohan on our hands. But before we look too far into the future, we want to focus on the present because Annika Sorenstam just put a verbal smack down on the teenybopper.

I just feel that there’s a little bit of lack of respect and class just to leave a tournament like that and then come out and practice here,” said Sorenstam, who soldiered on for four days despite returning from a back and neck injury.

“It’s a little funny that you pull out with an injury and then you start grinding. My doctor told me to rest.

Ohhhh, burn! What you got to say about that Wie?

I’m going through a hard time,” she said. “It’s my first time facing an injury.”

Asked about Sorenstam’s criticism, Wie said nothing was said to her and she had nothing to say back.

“I don’t think I need to apologize for anything,” she said. “I just have to take care of my body and move forward and only think of positive things.

You know what this means, right? Cat fight!!!!!!!!

Links:

[MSNBC.com]: Wie, no longer prodigy, faces harsh criticism
[Golf World]: Tension Convention

Categories
Soccer

Brazil loves their soccer…some a little too much

Lord knows that we have tried and tried and tried again to tell you just how moronic soccer fans are but then we realized that we really don’t have to do anything to convince people of the sanity or lack there of by these “footballers.” Take 22-year-old Jefferson Ferreira Lima and 26-year-old Jorge Luiz Sampaio Santos; these dudes are a couple of Brazilians who just love their Palmeiras club. In fact, they love their team so much that they were willing to throw a grenade at a bus full of fans from the rival Cruzeiro team.

Is this a joke? A freaking grenade!?! Unfortunately, this the mindset of many soccer fans across the globe after a loss. Hell, this is the mindset of many tackle football fan across the nation, but it’s not too often that you hear of a guy getting stopped in Foxboro with a missile launcher aimed at the Colts’ fan’s booze bus as it heads back to Indy after Peyton Manning leads his team to a road victory.

Listen, we’re all about passion for your team but we just think that trying to commit mass murder by explosive device is a bit overboard. So, soccer dweebs, if you must act a fool then keep it the on-field hijinks like these guys. That way the players can kick your ass for us.

Links:

[MSNBC.com]: Two Brazil soccer fans caught with grenade

Categories
Boxing

Mike Tyson has big screen dreams

What’s this downward spiral that everybody says Mike Tyson is currently on? Obviously you guys haven’t heard about Iron Mike’s new career choice. Sure his in-ring skills have deteriorated to a point that they are virtually nonexistent but it’s about what you do with your life after the game goes away that can determine a legacy. Just ask George Forman about new life after boxing.

So, what’s Tyson up to these days you ask? Well, he just so happens to have his sights set on the big screen. Yup, looks like acting is the way this freak with the face tattoo is gonna start spending his free time. Tyson recently participated in a music video for the movie “Fool n Final” and apparently that’s when he got the bug.

OH, did we mention that Tyson isn’t looking to grace the big screen in America but instead has his eyes set on international stardom by making his name in Bollywood? And if you’re not familiar with India’s cinematic style then here’s a little sample.

Something tells us that Tyson has a bright future on the other side of the globe; of course he has to get there first. Mike is facing charges for drugs and DUI after an Arizona arrest landed him in the slammer, again. But acting is in Tyson’s blood; he’s been playing the role of a mentally unstable and disgusting individual for virtually his entire life. Maybe now he can get paid for it.

Links:

[KOTV.com]: Mike Tyson Says He Wants To Act In The Movies

Categories
Atlanta Braves

Minor league manager shows why he’s in the minors

Okay, so this happened back on Friday, but you didn’t think we were gonna let this slip by; did ya?  After all, it is just one of the biggest meltdowns of all-time by a baseball manager.  C’mon, when was the last time you saw a fat guy in a Braves uniform doing a belly crawl to the mound?  Not to mention the classic grenade style toss of the rosin bag.  Jeez, Sweet Lou has got to be feeling a lot less stupid thanks to Mr. Phillip Wellman’s antics.  

But seriously, how is his squad supposed to rally behind a guy who acts like this?  That’s like asking Alec Baldwin’s daughter to have respect for her daddy after he called her “a rude, thoughtless little pig.” Some things are just impossible to forget.

Categories
New York Jets

The media’s muscle is flexing for Thomas Jones

So, we were just surfing along, minding our own business when this article about Thomas Jones and his rippling muscles jumped off the screen and smacked us across the face. Tom Rock spent the whole story slobbering over Jones’ arms like an enamored little school girl. Sounds to us like Rock might have a bit of a man crush going on, kinda like how Mark Cuban feels about his MVP.

With his bulging, tattooed biceps on display below those tucked-under white sleeves, it would be easy to think that Jones was the only Jet wearing full pads during the shorts-and-helmets practice. But it was all him.

Now we know that Jones is a physical specimen but this seems just a bit too Danielle Steel for our taste. But that’s all beside the point; what really got our goat was that this journalist was clueless when it came to the human anatomy. Rock needs to start doing a little research before he just dishes out descriptions like “freakishly large arms.” Sorry buddy, but this is the only guy we can find who is considered to be “armed and dangerous.”

But to be fair to Mr. Rock, he isn’t the only one who is starting to make football seem sort of creepy. We came across this piece on WCBSTV.com and the author seemed to have the same dreamy-eyed approach when describing Jones.

Jones’ jersey sleeves were rolled up to his shoulders, probably because the fabric would be no match to contain his sinewy arms. And it’s hard not to notice them, covered in tattoos and looking as if they should be on a professional bodybuilder.

Are we the only ones who feel dirty reading this?

Links:

[GreggValentino.net]: Home Page

Categories
All Other Sports

Oh, and you think you could spell "aniseikonia" ?!?

Now, we don’t usually bring you news from the world of spelling but, as you could probably tell by the interruption of your normal ABC broadcasting, the 2007 Scripps National Spelling Bee went down on Thursday…and we have a new champion, baby! Evan O’Dorney, 13, spelled “serrefine” without any problems to cap off a consonant and vowel filled tournament and won $35,000, plus a $5,000 scholarship and a $2,500 saving bond. Not a bad day’s haul if you ask us.

But it wasn’t all smiles at the bee as many casualties were left in O’Dorney’s path to the trophy, including Samir Patel, who many considered to be the favorite before the event. But the teary-eyed little nerd sealed his own fate last week when he compared not winning the alphabet bowl to “Dan Marino not winning the Super Bowl.” After he said that, Samir was doomed to misspell something simple like “clevis.”

Samir wiped away tears as he talked about his gaffe.

“The first thing I thought was c-l-e-v-i-s, and if I had been slow and cautious like I always am, I would have got it right,” he said. “But I just outsmarted myself. It was an easy word. I just made a stupid mistake.

But, hey, dry those tears baby boy; you’re the Dan Marino of spelling. That’s something to be proud of. It’s not as impressive as winning the big one, but it’s not bad. And you made ESPN’s “Best of the Bee,” so that’s pretty cool, huh?

Well, you did get outshined by the Napoleon Dynamite kid and that boy that fainted definitely showed more heart than you did. Hmmm, well you can spell really well and nobody can take that from you. You just can’t spell as good as this spastic little girl.

Links:

[Examiner.com]: Boy Wins Spelling Bee With `Serrefine’

Categories
Cincinnati Bengals

Someone might want to check Chad Johnson for horse steroids

So, if you had to guess, which NFL player would you say is crazy enough to race a friggin’ horse? Give up? Well, we all know that Ray Buchanan would probably guess it would be Shannon Sharpe but Sharpe doesn’t have the stones to go one-on-one with a stallion. You gotta be a batshit, fruit-loopy, Man-Ram type nutjob to go “man vs. beast” with a horse. So, Chad Johnson is naturally a perfect fit.

Ocho-Cinco will be taking on Restore the Roar on June 9 at the River Downs racetrack in Cincinnati, Ohio in order to raise money for Feed the Children. We can’t knock the guy for doing something to benefit a worthwhile charity but we have a feeling that he’d be trying to outrun the animals during a trip to an African wildlife safari. But regardless of motives, any way you slice it, this will be another entertaining adventure brought to you by Mr. Johnson.

While we’re not experts in the art of man vs. beast, we feel pretty comfortable in saying that the safe money is on the horse because we’ve seen the old FOX show where that track dude got smoked by a zebra and then had the balls to accuse “Zippity” of cheating.

We suggest that Chad calls off the race against Restore the Roar altogether and tries to race a giraffe instead. Maybe Carl Lewis can work the sidelines of that event as well.

Links:

[ESPN]: Man vs. horse in benefit race at River Downs

Categories
Chicago Bears

Tank Johnson isn’t a fruit and vegetables kind of guy


If you didn’t know, football players are some big freakin’ guys! And the linemen are even bigger! So, you can imagine how difficult it must be to keep a 6-foot-3, 300 pound monster of a man satisfied in the kitchen. Now just try to keep that same big boy from getting hungry while he’s locked up in jail and receiving slop and bologna sandwiches a couple times a day. We would guess that it’s damn near impossible but we don’t have to guess because Tank Johnson’s 60 day stint in the pokey has produced a calorie by calorie break down of exactly what kind of junk food it takes to satisfy a hungry giant.

While in jail, Johnson received three meals a day but also spent $665 on other goodies to get him through his cravings. Here are some of the highlights:

162 Beef Sticks

40 Honey Buns

35 Summer Sausage Blocks

35 Bags of Chips

9 Jalapeno Cheese Spreads

6 Cans of Refried Beans

Now if that’s not the diet of a pro athlete then nothing is! But, we were kind of shocked to hear all of this considering that our diets consist primarily of beef sticks and sausage. Wait, that came out all wrong. Anyways, after reading this we’re guessing that Johnson headed straight for the right field seats at Dodger Stadium as soon as he was released.

Links:

[SunTimes.com]: Stay in jail not healthy for Tank

Categories
Golf

"Warning. Beware of aggressive otters"



Little bastard isn’t so cute when he’s
biting your leg and chasing you down
the street.

Don’t you just hate when you go to the local course for a relaxing 18 holes but your peaceful afternoon is destroyed by the golfer’s natural enemies of wind, water, sand and otters? Wait…otters? Yup, but not just any otters; we’re talking rabid otters!

Some crazy-ass otter at the Grand Harbor’s Harbor Course in Indian River County Florida went wild a few weeks back and bit three people in one day, forcing all of them to endure the dreaded series of injections to prevent the contagious disease. But this was no simple bite and release for our foamy mouthed critter; this otter was on a mission to infect human blood as it chased a pair of golfers off the course and down the street.

(Lani) Becker said the animal chased her at least 100 yards, onto a neighbor’s porch. No one answered the door and the otter continued to attack until she winged it with a doormat.

“I was terrified,” Becker said. “I had been bit and it just kept coming. You have a creature that’s crazy, chasing you. There’s very little you can do.”

(Anita) Stafford said Wednesday she has one more shot to go in a series of vaccines to prevent her from getting the disease.

“There’s a pond on that hole — it’s a short par 3,” Stafford said. “(The otter) was on the grass. He or she was just staring at me.

“All of a sudden he charged me and bit my ankle,” she said. “There are three punctures.”

Stafford’s golf partner, Max Hughes, was some distance behind her on the men’s tee.

“Max caught up — of course, he had a golf club,” Stafford said. “He was swinging the club at the otter.”

The animal chased them until they crossed a street, Stafford said. The couple then drove to Indian River Medical Center, where Becker already was being treated.

“He broke the skin in 12 different places,” Becker said. “The four big bites that I had all would have required stitches.

And you thought that all you had to worry about was the speed of the greens and the price of the beers when you went golfing. Now maybe you won’t laugh next time you pass the “Otter-Be-Gone” as you head out of the local pro shop.

Links:

[TCPalm]: Three bitten by rabid otter spotted on golf course in Indian River County

Categories
Soccer

Soccer guy doubles as on-field security

We don’t know much about soccer. The extent of our knowledge basically involves that we know the sport is called football everywhere else in the world. But we do know what we like and we like when athletes throw the smack down on fans who take to the field; even when those athletes are soccer players. So, here’s a clip of some soccer guy delivering a flying knee that would make James Irvin proud to an idiot fan as he runs around like a chicken with its head chopped off.

If you’re interested in actual names and teams then you should go visit our friends at The Offside. We’re just into “football” for the side dishes of violence, not the athletic competition.

Links:

[The Offside]: A Flying Dropkick is one way to Stop a Pitch Invasion