Category: College Basketball

What? You rather a picture of Joakim Noah?

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Postgame: I didn’t realize they even assigned homework at Florida but Joakim Noah is already playing the ‘don’t expect me to do any work, I’m a national champion’ card. Student-Athletes indeed.

0:00 And that’s all folks. The clock has mercifully put us out of our misery. Congrats to the Gators, 2006 NCAA national champs. And now all that’s left is to watch One Shining Moment and this debabcle will be behind us. No one will be writing a book about this Final Four.

1:46: I realize that Gene Wojciechowski got assigned this column but… oops.

5:17: UCLA makes a bit of a run but as soon as they got within 12, Florida was able to make another easy dunk. Now it’s under 4:50 and the game is over. Florida is getting every loose ball as well. They are just out playing UCLA like UCLA was a D3 team.

10:00: 10 mins left in the entire game and Mbah a Moute gets the first mention of his name since opening introductions. If I were the Gators scrubs, I’d be getting ready to get in the game by now.

Does Bill Russell just get paid to show up at basketball games?

16:57: This game stinks and I’m calling it right now. Florida is up 42-27. There is no way UCLA will come back to win this game. They might never get within 10 again. I think we paid the price for a great opening few rounds of the tournament with 3 terrible Final Four games.

Halftime: So far so bad. Florida is up by 11 going into the half. Jim Nantz reminds us that the Bruins came back from 13 down against Gonzaga in an attempt to keep half the east coast viewers from turning off the TV. Anyone not named Farmar on UCLA should be shot during halftime.

3:50: Despite assurances to the contrary, this final game is just as bad as the semi-finals. I just found out that Joakim Noah’s mom is a former Miss Sweden. And his dad is a regular looking dude. How’d Joakim get so damn ugly?

9:54: Florida goes up by 10 on a 4-point play by Lee Humphrey Oswald. This game is getting out of control for UCLA. Where is their vaunted UCLA defense?

11:37: Gators up 17-11 with a chance to take it up to 19. This game has been decent so far but nothing spectacular. UCLA came out very unimpressive in the first half against LSU as well so maybe they can make a run and have this be a great game down the stretch.

16:11: Florida out to a quick 11-6 lead. We’re rooting against Florida (not for UCLA) so this isn’t fun.

Does this guy in the state farm commercial say “yeah G!” Didn’t that expression go out in the 90s?

Pregame:
The big game is here but we’re having trouble getting geeked up for this game after the Saturday snoozefests. They’re doing the introductions. I guess someone told the PA announcer how to pronounce Mbah a Moute but not Richard. Damn hicks.

It’s halftime and I’m giving up. There will be no second half of this live blog because these semifinals have been so terrible that I refuse to go on.

3:01: I swear to god Billy Packer just said “he’s gotten some of those homos to play tougher”. This game sucks so much I’m hearing things.

3:59: Does Voogd have money on the Bruins? He’s responsible for more assists than the UCLA players. Billy Packer says he isn’t ready to play this game. For once, we agree with Billy. This is a sad sad game. 20 turnovers so far. It looks like Florida will win the title.

7:37: Bruins up 9 points. zzzzzzzzzzz. At least Nacho Libre looks like a good movie.

You know, the problem with the whole Cinderella analogy is that we are always subjected to the Midnight Strikes headlines.

12:25: UCLA up 18-8. I’m feeling underwhelmed by these semi-final games. After such a great tournament, this Final Four seems to be a yawner. As much as we like the upsets, this is what happens when you have zero #1 seeds in the final four.

When was the last time Spike Lee made a good movie?

15:12: UCLA looks faster right now and is up 12-4. I guarantee a UCLA victory. In the crowd is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Peyton and Eli Manning. Looking forward to the Eli Manning drunk off his ass pics that will show up on the web within 24 hours.

20:00: Anyone who beats Duke deserves our backing to win it all.  So this live blog will be slanted towards LSU.  Unlike some people, we admit our biases.  

Hmmm.. Mission Impossible 3 tie in.  Let’s play follow the corporate trail: MI:3 is produced by Paramount, which is owned by CBS Corp — that was easy.  This is just like when Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to pull the South Park episode bashing scientology or he’d refuse to do any promotional work for MI:3.  Speaking of which, Ryan suggested that we remove Katie Holmes from Women We Love until she gets rid of that aliens in a volcano worshipping freak.  I second the motion.

When did LSU add “fighting” to their nickname?

0:00: Wait, Lee Humphrey’s childhood hero is Peyton Manning? Who the hell has Peyton Manning for a hero? I wonder if he has his fathead on his wall.

0:30: “There were a lot of people who underestimated their ability to make it through this tournament.” Most of it was you and Billy Packer, Jim. Notice that Billy Packer is silent again. He just won’t admit he was wrong.

2:57: In an NCAA tourney first, Noah gets a technical foul for being FUGLY. Ding Ding Ding – Billy Packer just said too long for the 100th time, setting a Final Four record.

5:16: Did Jim Nantz say that Laranega has a grandaughter too but no one cares? Anyway, this game is so boring that Ryan has thrown out this trivia question: Who are the seven coaches who have been to the Final Four and coached in the NCAA? Answers at the bottom of this entry.

8:46: I guess it’s time to root for LSU. Did I ever mention how much I hate Florida sports teams? This is a state that has the Marlins, a team that wins the World Series and then decides to break up the team in a fire sale. Now they’re in danger of being taken over by MLB because their ownership sucks so much. Then they have the Lightning, who win the Stanley Cup with a tradition as long as my junk, which is to say not very long at all. During the playoffs in their Cup run, the scoreboard operator had to inform the crowd what hockey rules like “offsides” and “icing” were. Florida winning any championships at all means that God has no interest in sports.

11:49: Florida is up 49-32. Florida is getting every loose ball, every defensive stand, and every three pointer. At least this game is going fast so we don’t have to suffer through this. I wonder if Joakim Noah will go first or second in the WNBA draft.

15:00: The dream is over for George Mason. Yes, I’m calling this game now. Florida is up by 15. George Mason is playing like an 11 seed right now, not the team that beat UNC and UConn. This just means we have to see Noah’s ugly mug for another game.

On top of this, we have to watch the stupid State Farm and Big Bucking Chicken commercials. I read an article about the advertising agency that has the Burger King account and how they are taking risks. Great. Thanks for taking risks and ruining our NCAA tournament watching experience. Feel free to send Cripsin Porter + Bogusky some hate email.

19:08: A terrible start for GMU as Lee Humphrey makes 2 three-pointers to start the half. (In case you haven’t noticed, I’m blatantly rooting for Groge Mason.) Florida up by 11. This Pontiac Solstice commercial song is probably second only to the Applebees shrimp song as most annoying.

Intermission: Florida is up 31-26 and we’re waiting for the second half to start. This Fed-Ex Kinkos commercial is genius.  That basically is every company I’ve ever worked with.

Jay Wright wins the best looking coach of the year award and Adam Morrison wins the Chevy player of the year. Of course, the one that counts, the AP player of the year, went to JJ Redick, who said that the Duke Lacrosse team was a great bunch of guys. You might want to stay away from commenting on Duke Lacrosse, JJ. If you want to support them, write them some poetry or something.

Trivia answer: Calipari, Pitino, Montgomery, Larry Brown, PJ Carlissimo, Jerry Tarkanian, and Lon Kruger.